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That's it. Sorry, long post

Old 02-09-2015, 11:38 AM
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That's it. Sorry, long post

Hi everyone,

sorry for the long post, but I have to get this off my chest right now.

Yesterday I had a "lovely" new incident thanks to me being the mess I am at the moment. I know totally now and accept that this is going to make me loose everything and kill me if I don't do something serious about it now. Well, I knew that for quite a while, but now I really feel it and accept that I can never drink again if I don't want to deteriorate any further.

Basically I had been on a week-long bender again, the same drinking pattern that I maintained for the last months. Drink excessively for about a week, then dry out for a couple of days (including insomnia, night sweats, bizzare and terrifying dreams once I could go to sleep for half an hour, anxiety and rapid heart beat), then repeat the circle of misery. I should also mention that while being on those binges, I didn't do anything except sit around alone in my small flat, listen to music, sometimes chat with the few social people I have left (about 3 people) and go to sleep being blackout drunk. Following day wake up late in the day still with quite a high BAC, go to store to stock up and repeat this insanity.

So yesterday I had this moment (still not sober) when I just knew: enough is enough. Apart from the physical pain, it's the emotional turmoil that made me think: "I can't stand this any longer." Feeling utterly useless and hopeless all the time, knowing full well that I am about to destroy my life completely, still not being able to stop and change. A feeling of total desperation. And also a sense that I deserve this and that it's my purpose to destroy myself because I'm such a useless and weak and screwed-up loser who has pissed away so many opportunities and is nothing but a royal pain in the rump and a constant worry to his parents. Thinking about suicide as a more and more attractive "solution".

So I decided to actually visit my parents (they live about 1 hour and a half away), come out with the truth (had been hiding a lot of the drinking from them and pretended to be doing well at university, although I'm absolutely sure they knew that something was terribly wrong, my mum actually confirmed that now) and go to rehab or a therapy or something. Just something to try to change, because it's more than obvious that I can't do it on my own.

So I had to take the bus because still having something in my system and didn't want to risk driving and ******* up even more. Had the plan to actually buy more alcohol at the train and bus station, but ran out of that because when I got there the bus was about to go, so I decided to take it. The bus was probably a couple of minutes on the highway when I knew that I was about to have a MASSIVE panic attack. Guess I was withdrawing a bit at that point and my anxiety was way high because of the whole situation and what I was about to tell my parents. I felt it coming and it did come. Thought I was going to have a heart attack or stroke or something, heart rate at something like 180, hands and mouth started to get cramped. Rushed to the driver and told her that I needed an ambulance, couldn't even speak properly at that point because my mouth was cramped and I must have looked like I was having a stroke.

So end of the story, had to be driven to hospital with ambulance, the bus driver and paramedics were incredibly friendly and understanding by the way. In hospital they wanted to keep me and transfer me to a detox center, but since it was only 30 minutes from where my parents live, me and my mother decided to get me out.

What followed was a conversation filled with many tears (haven't cried like that for quite a while). Well, after a night with zero sleep I was able to sleep for some hours during today. Still having minor withdrawals, but managable. My parents and I both agree that something has to be done, so I'm going to be looking for some therapy/rehab options. They are supportive but also very disappointed and angry (can't blame them for that). The problem is that my mother wants me to do therapy in the town were I have my flat, whereas my father thinks this would be very dangerous and not helpful since I've been there alone all the time and very unstable. He wants me to do something here, so I can stay at their house at first.

By the way I'm nearly 24 now, so if I don't do something about this now, I know that I will live in utter hell very soon. Already feels like I'm there to be honest.

Well, that's it for now, sorry again for this long post and thanks to everyone who takes the time to read this.
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Old 02-09-2015, 11:46 AM
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Im glad your here Darkdespair i really hope this is it now thats a big wake up call bud

You have our full support and you can pm me anytime bud
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Old 02-09-2015, 11:53 AM
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Congrats on taking the first BIG step... talking to your parents and clearing the air. It takes a lot for us to come clean and spill the truth of our actions so that is fantastic!
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Old 02-09-2015, 11:54 AM
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Aside from the question of where you are going to begin this journey of sobriety, what's the plan this time, and how is it different than in times past?
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Old 02-09-2015, 12:18 PM
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Thanks a lot for your support everyone! The difference this time is that I want to get professional help. I knew that I couldn't get out of it on my own anymore for a while, but this time I really feel it and want to get help to stop this train towards wreckage. So I'm talking about seeing a therapist, doing therapy or rehab or something similar, and also try some meetings which they most likely will recommend anyway. I'm going to phone a helpline for alcoholism and drug addiction tomorrow and try to get an appointment there. Everything else will only make everything worse I know.
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Old 02-09-2015, 12:23 PM
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Sounds like a good plan DD. I hope you consider a name change when things get better. All the best to you.
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Old 02-09-2015, 03:09 PM
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I'm really sorry you had to go through all that DD but I really hope you can make this a turning point

It's never too late to do things right

D
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Old 02-09-2015, 03:20 PM
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Good luck in detox/rehab DD stay in touch bud
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Old 02-09-2015, 04:56 PM
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Thanks again everyone for your kind words and support! It really helps knowing that there are others who have struggled with similar problems and made it through and can live a totally different life today. Gives me a lot of hope, and that's what I totally need right now after feeling hopeless for a long time.

It's hard to face the music with a clear head, especially thinking about how I started out and what I've made of myself over the years. I don't want to indulge in self-pity here, but I started out as a very promising and bright little boy, I remember the joy and pride in the eyes of my parents. Breaks my heart to think about it and what I did to my parents during these last years of alcoholism. Constant stream of disappointment, screwing up yet another opportunity (basically screwing up everything like a lunatic who doesn't care about anything), avoiding to take responsibility for anything and yet continuing on my path towards self-destruction, losing interest in a lot of stuff (I'm a musician for instance, but haven't managed to make a move with that) and becoming this miserable looking young man with a bloated face who's depressed all the time and just wants to drink himself stupid again. Sad and pathetic.

I also believe that I have some serious other problems (personality-wise) that I've probably been trying to bury under the alc, and that they have to be worked on in order to get better. But hopefully that can be established and discussed in therapy or what I am going to do.

Unbelievable how low alcohol can take you (especially mentally and emotionally) and yet the only thing you want is the very thing that's destroying you and making you feel this way. Total insanity. Here's hoping for a better tomorrow! Thanks again everyone, it really means something to me that there is this great community where people care and understand.
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Old 02-09-2015, 05:09 PM
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Well done DarkD on taking the first step
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Old 02-09-2015, 05:18 PM
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I can relate dark despair. I had a period of about 6 months where all I did was sit at home and drink. Only left the house to buy booze. I hid it from everyone. I had quit my job because I was convinced I was going to be fired. Not even my girlfriend at the time knew. She lived an hour away so it was easy to hide.

I ran out of money and was at the end of my rope. So like you, I hopped on a greyhound bus to my gf's place and confessed everything. Stayed there for a month since i had no job. That bus ride though was tough. Sweats and shakes. I took a handful of Benadryl before the trip to calm me.

I didn't get any help though I sobered up for a month but was back drinking soon. You can't do it alone. AA, therapy, rehab, this site. That's what i employed. Stop the madness now and you can save a lot of suffering later on in life.
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Old 02-10-2015, 02:22 AM
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Thanks for sharing. Your descriptions of how you feel and what you were doing to yourself brought tears to myeyes because I feel your pain.

Thank you also for reminding me of what I don't want to go back to. I used to drink alone and thought I enjoyed it , at the time. It is really a messed up hell.

You're a lucky guy to have that family support.

I wish you all the peace you deserve.
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Old 02-10-2015, 07:08 AM
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Anytime bud
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Old 02-10-2015, 07:54 AM
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Thanks for taking the time to write that out. That "moment" when we know enough is enough and it's time for a change (RIP Owen Hart!) can come in many shapes and forms, and often it is while we are under the influence.

I'm sorry that your moment ended up with a medical emergency, and I'm sure that helped cement it in your mind that you've had enough booze! Congrats on making the decision to quit, and if there's any advice I can offer it's perhaps just that I think your old man might be right... It might be therapeutic to do your recovery around loved ones and not alone.

Stick with it, you got this... and then you got a long bright future ahead.
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Old 02-10-2015, 08:58 AM
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@Kate 15:

Yeah, it's unbelievable what we can do to ourselves. When I began drinking some 8 or 9 years ago, I never would have thought alcohol could take you such low places. But looking back on it my drinking habit was messed up right from the start, always drinking excessively and starting to drink alone very soon.

I know I'm very lucky to still have my parents who support me, as I know many people who go through this misery don't.

@everyone: thanks for keep posting here. Today I've arranged a meeting with an alcohol/drug-counsellor for tomorrow. Gonna be very nervous I'm sure, but I know that it's the right step and it feels very liberating at the same time.
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Old 02-10-2015, 09:40 AM
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good luck DD you can do this.
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Old 02-10-2015, 02:20 PM
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I started out as a very promising and bright little boy
I think a lot of us did - apart from those here who were girls

Seriously tho....forget about wasted years or squandered opportunities...noone can change yesterday.

Today is a blank canvas - it's never too late to write a new ending to your story

D
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Old 02-10-2015, 10:03 PM
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Good on you for making that appointment! I'm sure you won't regret it.
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Old 02-12-2015, 04:27 AM
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Hey SR fellows,

yesterday I went to the appointment, it honestly was the best thing I've done in a long time. Afterwards I felt really good. Not only was it the first move I've made on my own in five or six years, but I felt hopeful afterwards.

I don't know how to really put this, but for the last years I had convinced myself that this is who I am, this is my "destiny", to screw up everything and be an alcoholic and die this way. And what's even more sad, for a while I thought this was a cool way to live. Writing this down now feels scary, because how can anyone think like that? I think I have some underlying mental and emotional problems that need to be addressed, but first I have to work on the alcohol.

Have another appointment in one week, so right now I have to distract myself from you-know-what. I really don't want to screw this up and I feel very commited to doing this and getting better, but I also know that it's going to be tough. The counsellor suggested meetings as well (no surprise there), and I think I'm ready for that as well. I'm going to check out some local options and phone them. Thanks for listening!
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Old 02-12-2015, 02:59 PM
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Great job on going to the appointment!!
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