Just breathe for me.*graphic in a not good way*
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Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Utah
Posts: 214
Im going to stay sober. just checking out on life right. now. Dont wanna clock in in 15 minutes, for work. wish i wasnt stupid and lost my god damn razor blade you know. thought about asking someone to buy me one which i doubt would happen. This is probably only time im touching my phone today. No a.a. tonight. not sure what im going to do other than just avoid life when i can. lifes terms are a crock of **** i hate when ppl say that, amd when someone says ill take another 24. man if you can take a 24, take a week and just be sober. **** em. have a good day. I really wish i could find that razor tho. Not like i have anywhere to ******* lose it.. maybe its in my sheets. hmpf
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Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Utah
Posts: 214
im not going to quit my job. i have a work injury and a family to support that doesnt really want anything to do with me. i just love them i think of them alot. I found my razor but didnt use it. Ive been hit on a lot last few days. I want friends not just kisses and sex. 12 days sober. pretty rough. Just having a tough time needing to talk and nobody to really talk too. The people at a.a. are ok. one dudes been sober 20 years. he goes to hear everyones trouble make him feel good about himself. ******* *****. I honestly couldnt have a conversation with these ppl outside of a.a. I dont think im better than them. I just dont wanna talk about a.a. **** all the time. Oh when i use to drink bla bla bla. Id like to have a normal conversation. Not just, oh we need to talk to each other to make sure we dont drink....
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Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Utah
Posts: 214
fired my lawyer for assault a few hours ago. goto court monday for protection order. if she dont drop it im just hiring a lawyer for the protection order. Im not a criminal, the wounds i had are defensive you dont get clawed on ur neck from attacking someone, thats when you get marks on your knuckles. just saying.
I just want my family. I feel like crying. but im not a cryer. Might cry when my sons born is about it. Last i cried was when my daughter was born lol. and before that... was a good 8 years of not crying.
I just want my family. I feel like crying. but im not a cryer. Might cry when my sons born is about it. Last i cried was when my daughter was born lol. and before that... was a good 8 years of not crying.
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Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 508
12 days is great news, so's the not cutting. I suspect the withdrawl from the booze is creating these emotional lows and they will pass in time, just like all the others feelings. Sounds like you've got your head screwed on straight to me... Keep going
Driving my wagon of hope through beautiful views on my road to myself
Driving my wagon of hope through beautiful views on my road to myself
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Utah
Posts: 214
i dont have withdraws from booze i didnt drink like i use to. before i would drink all day get dt's when i wasnt drinking. before i quit i would drink once every 2 weeks. not everyday.
ive lost everything. Been homeless in a town 34 days that everyone wants me out of. I would love to ******* ruin someones weekend this weekend. i hate superbowl brings back bad memories of bitches hurting me. straight up tried to pick a fight with some ************ who almost hit me when i walked across the street. 40 mph in a 15 really dude. told him hes an ******* he got scared took back off. Im pretty fit. ive been walking the streets for days. Get an apartment then people pretend to wanna help, u need this or that? yeah i ******* asked you three times already am i speaking chinese? Im thinking of buying a gun and hurting some people. once my court stuff is settled. i honestly dont care.I find sobriety easy. In a way. I find my feelings unmanageable. as i know how this post has gone, people will be put off to reply. Im negative and aggressive. Im also honest.
When i was growing up i was more into drugs. Booze has always been back up booze withdraws i find funny. DT's i find funny. see stuff that isnt there is pretty funny if i would to answer that question if i was ever asked. i know some people dont like em. but its ******* life. For awhile i had a hard time trying to figure out what was real or a dream. Im sure i might have some mental health issues but i cant afford nor do i care to find out. Its my life.
move to a town u never been to, with everything you have get kicked out of ur house with nothing and come back from that when a town in the mean time is trying to push you out and you are successful, in bouncing back. Im a pretty good guy with ****** up thoughts im sure alot of people are. I know im not weak thats why i wanna **** someone up. I found brand new razor blades im done talking about if im going to cut or not. Its my blood ill make more when it bleeds out you know. if i go for the wrist again might aswell go for the other this time i dont give a **** what anyone sees im sober been ****** every which way my lifes on the table i dont care what anyone has to say to me. If they even have the balls to say anything. i just got my pretty-boyness and muscle. I find it akward, users, junkies. ... look 40 when their 20 im 28 most ppl think im barely 21.
Humans are ******* stupid. Im starting to get pissed off at a.a. i find the program a joke. higher power this that what the **** ever. My mother was catholic my father was christian. in utah, its mormons. well joseph smith suck my dick. mormon prophet seen how theres so many religions, had the wholy spirit visit him whatever vision, came out with mormonism, so basically he just added to all the religions he thought was bogus and became a prophet of another bogus religion. Im sure i possibly offended someone with this post. Higher power is just will power. or in some ppls threads claiming to be trying to get sober, lack of will power. If you cant break a habit youre weak. Im sorry, but some people are just ******* weak. I feel they havent been there. done that. What fueled me at the begining was i herd ppl tell stories of this or that or music, getting messed up. My goal was to out do em. drink all day, add xtc to that. ativans every 5 minutes, mix some heroin into it. **** i was spending thousands of dollars a day or week on cocaine. I can spot a drug deal a mile away im not ******* stupid. I lived it. I did it. I robbed single mothers growing up from money they needed to buy kids diapers to fuel my addiction. Im not proud but i can ******* admit it. I use to break into peoples houses when they were asleep to fuel my addiction. I owned guns grown men brag about when i was 13. I use to be a real bad person. I cant steal now. I just work hard. I faced grand theft charges at the age of 15. I had a friend that beat a Murder 1 case. i been there i lived it i didnt want to be out did.
I herd a guy i met tell stories of doing duster. I never did it so thats why i started. i huffed that **** around town in front of everyone. what would you think if you seen someone rip that **** in front of you walking down the street in front of your kid? the ppl i did it infront of, didnt do a thing. I was so ****** up a few times i thought ppl walking around when i was all ****** up had mosquito repellent spraying bugs that obviously werent there.. i would just call them "grabber jabbers". i lived in colorado. went to cannabis cup. smoked enough weed for a nation. if i didnt delete my facebook. ... i posted pix of **** not many ppl would, of drugs. Almost every drug dealer i met wholesaler or not said i was their best customer. For a looonnnggg time i was proud of that, nobody was out doing me. I ran from the cops on foot in colorado, ran from cops all day when i use to have my sn 95 v8 mustang in colorado i couldnt be caught. Like i said i was a bad guy. ive been better. I use to not be a good guy. Im trying to be better than a good guy thats why im doing this sobriety thing. I find threads from or about cow, pointless. I find yall feeding a loser who claims this or that and cant even own up to their own feelings. That goes back to youve been there or not.
My father i use loosely, i like to refer to him as my pops. didnt want **** to do with me he would just about smoke meth in frnt of me then be my dad. when he found out i smoked weed was when he wanted to be apart of my life. then i chose my pops over my friends. we would smoke so much when we got out the car like in the music videos or movies. smoke would just pour out the car when a door opened or window was cracked. then he died and i chose him over my friends when he died... my "friends" would want nothing to do with me. because i pushed em out. i would sit in the gutter for days waiting for someone to talk to me. they never did. Eventually someone got some balls to talk to me, they admitted they didnt know what to do or say to me. and i told them i just wanted someone to say something. one assholes like why you sad everyone dies. I wanted to ******* whoop his ass he was 45 and i was 16. he had no clue. i had the guns to kill his whole ******* family. later the friend who talked to me or "group" of friends, as i said in a earlier post we were on or off... they all ******* died in roxborough fire. im sure theres still a youtube video. Idk i dont wanna look i dont need to look up what i lived.
anyway. theres some ****.
im 13 days sober.
ive lost everything. Been homeless in a town 34 days that everyone wants me out of. I would love to ******* ruin someones weekend this weekend. i hate superbowl brings back bad memories of bitches hurting me. straight up tried to pick a fight with some ************ who almost hit me when i walked across the street. 40 mph in a 15 really dude. told him hes an ******* he got scared took back off. Im pretty fit. ive been walking the streets for days. Get an apartment then people pretend to wanna help, u need this or that? yeah i ******* asked you three times already am i speaking chinese? Im thinking of buying a gun and hurting some people. once my court stuff is settled. i honestly dont care.I find sobriety easy. In a way. I find my feelings unmanageable. as i know how this post has gone, people will be put off to reply. Im negative and aggressive. Im also honest.
When i was growing up i was more into drugs. Booze has always been back up booze withdraws i find funny. DT's i find funny. see stuff that isnt there is pretty funny if i would to answer that question if i was ever asked. i know some people dont like em. but its ******* life. For awhile i had a hard time trying to figure out what was real or a dream. Im sure i might have some mental health issues but i cant afford nor do i care to find out. Its my life.
move to a town u never been to, with everything you have get kicked out of ur house with nothing and come back from that when a town in the mean time is trying to push you out and you are successful, in bouncing back. Im a pretty good guy with ****** up thoughts im sure alot of people are. I know im not weak thats why i wanna **** someone up. I found brand new razor blades im done talking about if im going to cut or not. Its my blood ill make more when it bleeds out you know. if i go for the wrist again might aswell go for the other this time i dont give a **** what anyone sees im sober been ****** every which way my lifes on the table i dont care what anyone has to say to me. If they even have the balls to say anything. i just got my pretty-boyness and muscle. I find it akward, users, junkies. ... look 40 when their 20 im 28 most ppl think im barely 21.
Humans are ******* stupid. Im starting to get pissed off at a.a. i find the program a joke. higher power this that what the **** ever. My mother was catholic my father was christian. in utah, its mormons. well joseph smith suck my dick. mormon prophet seen how theres so many religions, had the wholy spirit visit him whatever vision, came out with mormonism, so basically he just added to all the religions he thought was bogus and became a prophet of another bogus religion. Im sure i possibly offended someone with this post. Higher power is just will power. or in some ppls threads claiming to be trying to get sober, lack of will power. If you cant break a habit youre weak. Im sorry, but some people are just ******* weak. I feel they havent been there. done that. What fueled me at the begining was i herd ppl tell stories of this or that or music, getting messed up. My goal was to out do em. drink all day, add xtc to that. ativans every 5 minutes, mix some heroin into it. **** i was spending thousands of dollars a day or week on cocaine. I can spot a drug deal a mile away im not ******* stupid. I lived it. I did it. I robbed single mothers growing up from money they needed to buy kids diapers to fuel my addiction. Im not proud but i can ******* admit it. I use to break into peoples houses when they were asleep to fuel my addiction. I owned guns grown men brag about when i was 13. I use to be a real bad person. I cant steal now. I just work hard. I faced grand theft charges at the age of 15. I had a friend that beat a Murder 1 case. i been there i lived it i didnt want to be out did.
I herd a guy i met tell stories of doing duster. I never did it so thats why i started. i huffed that **** around town in front of everyone. what would you think if you seen someone rip that **** in front of you walking down the street in front of your kid? the ppl i did it infront of, didnt do a thing. I was so ****** up a few times i thought ppl walking around when i was all ****** up had mosquito repellent spraying bugs that obviously werent there.. i would just call them "grabber jabbers". i lived in colorado. went to cannabis cup. smoked enough weed for a nation. if i didnt delete my facebook. ... i posted pix of **** not many ppl would, of drugs. Almost every drug dealer i met wholesaler or not said i was their best customer. For a looonnnggg time i was proud of that, nobody was out doing me. I ran from the cops on foot in colorado, ran from cops all day when i use to have my sn 95 v8 mustang in colorado i couldnt be caught. Like i said i was a bad guy. ive been better. I use to not be a good guy. Im trying to be better than a good guy thats why im doing this sobriety thing. I find threads from or about cow, pointless. I find yall feeding a loser who claims this or that and cant even own up to their own feelings. That goes back to youve been there or not.
My father i use loosely, i like to refer to him as my pops. didnt want **** to do with me he would just about smoke meth in frnt of me then be my dad. when he found out i smoked weed was when he wanted to be apart of my life. then i chose my pops over my friends. we would smoke so much when we got out the car like in the music videos or movies. smoke would just pour out the car when a door opened or window was cracked. then he died and i chose him over my friends when he died... my "friends" would want nothing to do with me. because i pushed em out. i would sit in the gutter for days waiting for someone to talk to me. they never did. Eventually someone got some balls to talk to me, they admitted they didnt know what to do or say to me. and i told them i just wanted someone to say something. one assholes like why you sad everyone dies. I wanted to ******* whoop his ass he was 45 and i was 16. he had no clue. i had the guns to kill his whole ******* family. later the friend who talked to me or "group" of friends, as i said in a earlier post we were on or off... they all ******* died in roxborough fire. im sure theres still a youtube video. Idk i dont wanna look i dont need to look up what i lived.
anyway. theres some ****.
im 13 days sober.
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,445
I have to be honest.
I get venting but the negativity in this thread is exhausting to read - it must be crushing for you to live, man?
The idea of venting is to let things go - but you seem to vent and then still carry stuff around with you.
You must want change, right?
Think about what you're prepared to do to make that change - it may be as simple as setting aside a few minutes to focus on the things you're grateful for.
Everyone's got something they're grateful for, yeah?
D
I get venting but the negativity in this thread is exhausting to read - it must be crushing for you to live, man?
The idea of venting is to let things go - but you seem to vent and then still carry stuff around with you.
You must want change, right?
Think about what you're prepared to do to make that change - it may be as simple as setting aside a few minutes to focus on the things you're grateful for.
Everyone's got something they're grateful for, yeah?
D
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Utah
Posts: 214
Im greatful for being a man. admitting things others cant accepting ownership. i change every year. Humans dont like change. I can make myself change. change is easy. i feel. willpower. I havent been "sober" for 13 days.. in years. i just swap vices. if u asked me, am i really 13 days sober since i cut a few days ago? fuel for thought. i havent hurt myself in 2 years but a few days ago i did. So then... whats "sober"? I know im tough to handle im pretty intense but if you read half of that, Im sure you can accept why im intense. I dont beat bushes.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,445
Im greatful for being a man. admitting things others cant accepting ownership. i change every year. Humans dont like change. I can make myself change. change is easy. i feel. willpower. I havent been "sober" for 13 days.. in years. i just swap vices. if u asked me, am i really 13 days sober since i cut a few days ago? fuel for thought. i havent hurt myself in 2 years but a few days ago i did. So then... whats "sober"? I know im tough to handle im pretty intense but if you read half of that, Im sure you can accept why im intense. I dont beat bushes.
Nothing wrong with intensity per se...I just hope you can find some peace man - everyone deserves that
D
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Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Utah
Posts: 214
i landed a career.. in a town some people lived in 20 years and "cant" find work. i could give you a phone number to call if you dont believe me. i had 2 jobs for a brief time on top of that, when i figured the secondjob was a waste of time i quit.
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,445
I have no reason not to believe you. You sound like a guy who can get things done.
so...why not apply some of that same determination to your recovery, and healing some of those old wounds?
D
so...why not apply some of that same determination to your recovery, and healing some of those old wounds?
D
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,445
Yeah, I read it. I read everything in this thread.
Again, why wouldn't I?
I'm not going to play 'FML' with you to find out which of us suffered the most....theres no point in that for either of us...but if I can find peace from my past in my life, you can find peace from yours too
D
Again, why wouldn't I?
I'm not going to play 'FML' with you to find out which of us suffered the most....theres no point in that for either of us...but if I can find peace from my past in my life, you can find peace from yours too
D
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Utah
Posts: 214
i dont see peace in someone admits he stole from a single mom providing for their daughter. kinda curious if youre male or female.... I quit fml and just like i said i been there done that lost everything but my car, so im sure it could get worse i have a breathalyzer if i goto jail miss my breathalyzer appointment for 80 bucks i get locked out of my car and get ****** out of my smart start contract and owe 2000 dollars because of missing that 80 buck appointment every month. im not trying to have the worst story in the world. im just honest. i lost pretty much everything i have nothing to lose by being honest. i been there done that. Im a pretty boy. Was homeless. How many ppl you know even claim being pretty boy. my ******* ex girl would even say i had man purses. and well i lived out of em they worked i lost alot in roxborough fire. not sure if you looked that up, but after losing **** in a fire its pretty easy living out of a man purse or a backpack. This is my thread so i aint comparing. Theres too many threads here i dont even really try to check threads out. Im not here for the positive threads or negative. i choose what i choose. atleast im trying and can admit. instead of being my trigger lives 7 blocks away so i gotta get ****** up. You have every reason to not believe me its the internet. i think what makes me think believe me, is i post ****** up **** that is coherent. i just dont own a galaxy phone that doesnt do punctuation right. Im on a galaxy relay that likes to work when it does with my problems i m living within my means. i could compare all day. I recall grown men being like.... i own a ar-15. bitch i owned one of those before i had a drivers license....
Last edited by Dee74; 02-01-2015 at 02:10 AM.
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