trustno1

Thank you for sharing. I check out my blue book tomorrow. Too tired to go downstairs now. Good night. Lots of reading. That is all I do, mostly self help not novels. We all have our struggles, thus not judge and be careful of word choice , so we don't come across as offensive to make someone defensive. Like a quote by Confucius, basically he says that Life Is Simple, People Make It Complicated. It is all about the ego.

Bostonsportsfan

I can honestly say most of my life decisions as an alcoholic were poor. I was very confused. I couldn't start making rational life choices again until I stopped drinking and even then it took awhile. I have no idea what's going in your husbands head, but if he said he thinks about you daily and is confused, my guess is he wants to be with you but continues to distance himself because of alcohol. When I was drinking I didn't care about who's feelings I hurt or any of that and I was a complete ******* to a lot of people. Even if early sobriety I was still mean and unhappy because I was very, very confused still. It's a tough time.

GracieLou

And he won't but on top of that is the fact that his actions are affecting you, making you feel insecure and that is where Al-anon can help. He is not going to change and he is not going to ever understand your feelings, just as you don't understand alcoholism.

To be blunt, it is not your job to understand alcoholism, it is your job to understand being co-dependent and how to deal with someone that has alcoholism OR not. You always have the choice to decide not to deal with it. It is your life after all, not his.

If I live a good life and do the things that make me happy, then what others do or don't do with their own lives is really none of my business.

I have learned that other peoples actions, whether alcoholic or not, should not validate or invalidate my life, my feelings nor my self worth.

Now this is all easier said then done of course but I am learning. The only person I can control is me. The only actions or reactions I can control our my own.

trustno1

Touche GracieLou. I have spent thousands of dollars on counseling, books, etc. I have done Al Anon as well. I know everything you said and everyone else about me taking care of me. My purpose of being on here and asking was to hear it from someone in recovery. I just wanted to know what goes on in your head especially when you say you love someone yet the actions are different. I am human thus I am not perfect. We will always love each other, but I can't help feeling sad at times because so many years are being wasted. We have 2 sons who are so successful in life besides being loving, caring and sensitive husbands. One is going to make us grandparents. Both sons got married in the same summer. We were separated at that time but still went together. I made sure I thanked him for being an amazing dad and helping me raise these boys. Call me a Pollyanna, but I will always be a positive person and look to the good in someone.

zjw

I'm jealous. I sometimes have to look long and hard to see it. lotta tmes simply give up. I do realize at the end of the day you peel back the layers I think just about anyones a decent good person.

zjw

something like this is very important. For me I need positive reinforcement constantly. if someone hucks enough of that my way it starts working and making me feel better. Generally people have to do it till there blue in the face with me to see any results so must people simply give up. Sometimes I'm peeling myself up off the matt then someone gives up on that positive reinforcement and I just fall back down flat on my face.

I've learned this about myself and have realized I cant rely on others to help me get off the matt. other people get tired of me its not there job and what if there isn't anyone?

But I think its important that you remain supportive and positive for him as best and as often as you can. when your in the pit its nice to know someones in your court. and that no matter what that someones always going to be in your court etc...

trustno1

thank you. You made me feel good about myself today.

GracieLou

I was not trying to put you down and I apologize if I came across that way.

I assume trying to understand an alcoholic will lead to just more adjustments being made to your life, feelings, emotions so you can prepare for them in advance or be ready to react when/if they happen.

This is being hypervigilant and can be viewed as trying to control the situation. I know cause this is what I used to do. I am a double winner, I tried this frame of mind and almost drove myself insane, my life became unmanageable again and I never drank a drop.

If he is wasting his years then that is on him. If you are wasting your own then that is something else all together.

I understand being an alcoholic and I understand loving one. At some point I had to choose my life over trying to save his. I can't save him, the only one that can save him is himself. He has to want it, he has to do the work and he has to stay on point. No wondering into the woods because you see something shiny. But again, that is up to him, I have no say in the matter either way.

As far as your initial post, alcoholics love and care for people, but they love and care about alcohol more and until they get sober for an extended time and work a recovery program of some sort, that is the way it will remain. It is not that they don't love, they just can't feel the depth or the emotions other than their own. They are selfish and self seeking. They want to feel better, they don't care whether you do.

trustno1

GracieLou, I didn't mean anything towards you. I treasured what you and so many others wrote to me. Are you kidding ? I have done a copy & paste and printed out all the comments / advice. Stuck it inside my Co Dependent No More book. I own many bibles, not the traditional one but any book that touched my soul, my heart and my brain.

I am very grateful to all of you who took the time to answer my plea. You ALL have enlightened me. <3