trustno1

My H is an A. We have been married for 34 years. I am trying my best to understand him. I will not get into all the hurts. I am confused as to why does he leave, move away and isolate himself ? Is it because he knows I want him to be sober? I know he loves me, misses me. He says not a day goes by that he doesn't think of me. Yet, he claims he is happy, that he would rather be alone. He says so much crap, I truly believe he is so mixed up. Once you recovered, did you make amends to your spouse, partner, whom ever you hurt while drinking ? He has lied so much in the past 5, 10 years, I don't know what to believe. Guess he really doesn't want me, our marriage. He keeps leaving. This I do believe, he always says he is confused, doesn't know what he wants. Was hoping that you could enlighten me. What goes on in your mind when you are drinking ? Do you really not want to be with someone who loves you unconditionally ? Someone who has forgiven you, is your shame, guilt that tough that you cannot face your loved ones ? 5 years of counseling, reading, searching, and no one can answer these questions for me. Can you ?

Soberwolf

If you post this in our friends & family section youl get responses from ppl who have been in a similar situation

Nice to meet you

FeelingGreat

hi trust, as an ex alcoholic, I'm guessing his moving away is just so he can drink without any impediments. He probably does love you, but he's unwilling to stop drinking. If it's a repeat cycle he also knows you'll take him back, so he can have some home comforts in between.

Have a think about your own needs, because he's not bothered.

ubntubnt

hey trust, I think you can learn a lot from the site so please take time to poke around and read as much as you can. Alcoholism in a progressive addiction/disease. It starts as social drinking, progresses to drinking heavily and it then takes over completely. An alcoholic does not think rationally, they think with an addicted brain....this is a brain that just wants to drink to feed the addiction. Because it is progressive it eventually leads to drinking at any cost. Where once the alcoholic was a happy, balanced, loving person they end ip completely non functioning and prepared to let everything else in their life die if necessary to continue drinking. It is not rational....thats why it is a drug is called a drug. Because it isn't rational, you can't make sense of it. Your husband will continue to get worse and descend deeper down the rabbit hole until he quits drinking completely, forever. Thats really clear cut but also very true. Cutting down his drinking won't help.....would you expect a heroin user to get better by shooting up only once per day? You are dealing with a drug every big as strong and destructive here. Please take the time to read as much as you can and gather feedback and advice from others.

Nevertheless

When you are addicted,you feed your habit. It's that simple.
He can try to quit for you because he loves you. But sooner or later some temptation will come along,and he will be drunk before he knows what happened. It's truly unbelievable how something so simple can be so hard.
If the day comes that he has had enough,and HE wants to quit. It can be done. Alcohol takes control of the way we think,and we as alcoholics don't see the big picture from the outside,or we just have no desire to see it. Because the habit is controlling our thoughts. Only when we have had enough,and stay away from it a few months will we see just what it was we were doing.
I hope you don't give up on him,because it really is a sickness or disease. But also,you can't show him any kind of approval either. Because then you are "helping" the addiction. The only way for him to stop is for HIM to want to quit more than anything in the world. You somehow have to get that idea in his head,and yes that's a tall order. What we call a "rock bottom" can be the something that changes our minds. Where we slip so low we have just had enough,and actually realize what it's doing. There is no simple answer though.
I wish you the best.

Fred

IOAA2

Hi.

I suggest you trust the words and experiences of the folks at Al Anon meetings in your area. They have gone through what you describe and are healthy doing so. It won’t fix the alcoholic because it’s for your sanity.

BE WELL

zjw

for me in the final few years of my drinking career I was loosing my sanity if I had not already lost it. Nothing made much sense. Even when I was sober for a few hours each day I was not thinking clearly at all. For me being an active drinker at the time I made no sense when I was drunk and I made no sense when I was not drunk.

After I quit it took a few months but things started to make sense again. I started to make sense again.

Now I sobered up and like some would say here I tried to clean up my side of the street. So in your case you can clean up your side of the street all day long. But if he's not going to clean up his side then there can and will be more issues.

So while my side of the street is all spiffy I still got issues coming my way with my various relationships etc.. things take time.

Your trying to make rational sense out of an irrational person. cant be done. its best to accept it for what it is and understand that you don't understand. People will ask an addict why does he keep going back to the same thing that causes him so much trouble. Cause he's sick and he needs help. There is no more of an answer to the question then that. we can read into it all we want but no sense in trying to make sense out of it.

huntingtontx

I am sorry you are getting hurt. To an alcoholic, alcohol is his first love. He may love you too. It does not change the need for alcohol. I am sure he is not doing this to hurt you. He probably needs his space to drink without regret. The guilt an alcoholic feels for not being able to stop is hard, and it is even harder if you know your drinking is hurting others. He will have to find his own way. As others have said, he can't quit for you, it has to be for himself. I am married to an alcoholic, and I am a recovering alcoholic. Not the best combination. I ignore what he says when he is drunk. When he is sober he is a great guy. I try to keep the two separate in my head. Alcohol is a mean drug, and it takes to many wonderful people. You are in my prayers.

LBrain

It is rather difficult to explain unless you lived it from the alcoholic side of the fence.
To many, nothing was more important than that next drink. It doesn't mean he doesn't love you or care. His mind is in a sad state - he is not really in control.
But until HE "sees the light" and comes to the realization that HE must stop, this will continue. Unfortunately for some it takes a life altering event. I hope for you that it doesn't take something drastic for him to change. Many have just 'had enough' and turn their lives around. But the forgiveness thing can also be an enabling kind of behavior. Being forgiven so much over the years it has become another part of his reality. As long as he is forgiven, everything is okay. It's NOT. It's time you put your foot down. Give him an ultimatum. Even though you care and are in such a feeling of hopelessness, you have to say no to him AND to yourself. Worrying about him is not going to fix him, it will only make your life more stressful. Do the best you can to take care of yourself. And tell him that he is no longer part of your life until he stops drinking. He already is not a part of your life but he doesn't even realize it.

I got in my vehicle and drove to get more when I was already beyond stumbling. But nothing was going to prevent me from going to get more. Amazing when I look back at some of the things I had done. I would hide in the basement with my bottle sometimes. None of it makes any sense.

bigsombrero

LB is right - it's impossible to understand. I too once had a loving partner, a girlfriend I planned on marrying, had the ring and everything. However, I could not WAIT until she left the house so I could start drinking. If she didn't leave, I'd say hurtful things or make up stories to get her to leave. It didn't matter, all I wanted was to be left alone so I could feed my habit. I had zero control and was extremely ashamed. Much like a wounded animal lashes out at someone trying to help, the addict will also lash out in order to achieve solitude and isolation.

There is nothing you can do. You didn't cause it, can't cure it, and can't control it. Until he fixes himself, you can just move forward with your own life and make the best of it. Don't let his problem bring both of you down.

trustno1

Thank you ALL for taking the time to share with me, to enlighten me. It helped. Glad that huntingtontx was the last, it was like the old saying, "save the best for last", it brought tears to my eyes. I was in Al Anon for a long time but it broke apart. Never found a new one. 2013 -2014 My AH was with me. I was thrilled. Yes, he drank. He moved into another bedroom and drank. Truly breaks my heart. He is a wonderful man who refuses to acknowledge that there is a problem. Oh, he lied on & off while with me. See, he doesn't get that all the mistrust makes me insecure. When he had the opportunity to move out, he did, while I was away on a vacation. He didn't want to go away with me. Guess he was planning his escape.

I will never stop praying and hoping for him to get better. My sister said to pray that I have the strength to deal with whatever comes my way.
In a few weeks, we are going to be grandparents for the first time. He is so excited. He gives up every weekend to help our married sons with their first homes.
I told him over the weekend that he will always be my best friend, that I love him and miss all our good times. In our five years of being separated, I tried dating. No one was like my AH. My heart will always be with him. Other than that, I never hear from him. He goes to work but comes home and drinks. I know his job stresses him out.

Thank you again for being patient with me. I truly appreciate it. So happy for your sobriety. I would like to share with you what I am feeling with these quotes ~

trustno1

Darn, I wanted to share some images with quotes, guess I don't know how. I normally do an insert of an image not the URl.

Imagine a female walking a beach by herself saying this " SOMETIMES THE BEST THING YOU CAN DO IS NOT THINK, NOT WONDER, NOT IMAGINE, NOT OBSESS. JUST BREATHE, AND HAVE FAITH THAT EVERYTHING WILL WORK OUT FOR THE BEST. <3

Mountainmanbob

When I was running a muck with the liquid devil (relapse)
my wife called my AA sponsor
he recommended for her to read the AA Big Book

I think that you will find most of your answers there in that book

MM

trustno1

LBRAIN - WOW !!! Thank You. So my forgiveness was enabling him. I did say to him, " I am damned if I do and damned if I don't. So what's the point? "

I am going to print out for myself everything that you all have said & taken the time to enlighten me.

During these darkest hours of my life, I found tranquility from a great book. Buddhist Boot Camp. I wrote to the author, got to meet him at a book signing. He told me that my AH has to stop drinking and I have to stop with the expectations in order to have a fulfilling relationship. If neither needs are met, then there is no relationship. He is right. I have been working on myself for 5 years now. Still a work in progress.

Point well taken LBRAIN - be tough with him. You see all those phrases : detach with love, tough love, were all so confusing and conflicting to me. I really got it now thanks to you.

trustno1

mountainmanbob, is it the blue book ? I bought it. Wasn't working for me. It didn't answer my specific questions.

zjw

yep the insane are running the asylum. expectations can be just as bad.

Try reading awareness by Anthony de mello if you have the time.

I think there is a way for you to be happy regardless of what he does or doesn't do. and this happiness can include him or not.

trustno1

RRRR...I have been frustrated because I have been trying to insert a profile image to express who I am. I give up. No matter how many times I try to re size, it is incorrect.

BUT, Once Again, Thank You For Your Words.

Namaste

markz

You should go to Alanon. You are just as sick as he is!

trustno1

Thank you for that positive comment.

You have no clue what I have done to help me.

Mountainmanbob

Yes, the AA Big Book is usually blue, although I also have a study black one

I'm surprised that you did not find some answers in there
explains alcoholism very well I think

and also how it effects the family

Chapter Nine
THE FAMILY AFTERWARD
Our women folk have suggested certain attitudes a wife may take with the husband who is recovering. Perhaps they created the impression that he is to be wrapped in cotton wool and placed on a pedestal. Successful readjustment means the opposite. All members of the family must meet upon the common ground of tolerance, understanding, and love. This involves a process of deflation. The alcoholic, his wife, his children, his "in-laws", each one is likely to have fixed ideas about the family's attitude towards himself or herself. Each is interested in having his or her wishes respected. The more one member of a family demands that the other concede to him, the more resentful they become. This makes for discord and unhappiness.

Any~ why? Is it not because each wants to play the lead? Is not each trying to arrange the family show to his liking? Is he not unconsciously trying to see what he can take from the family life, rather than give?

Cessation of drinking is but the first step away from a highly strained, abnormal condition. A doctor said the other day, "Years of living with an alcoholic is almost sure to make any wife or child neurotic. The entire family is, to some extent, ill." Let families realize, as they start their journey, that all will not be fair weather. Each in his turn will be footsore and will straggle. There will be alluring shortcuts and by-paths down which they may wander and lose their way.