How can I forgive my blackout mistakes? They are eating me alive.
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Join Date: Jan 2015
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How can I forgive my blackout mistakes? They are eating me alive.
For the past 3 years I have struggled back and forth with alcoholism in college. About a year ago I met an amazing man whom I love very much. During that year things have been great except for a few nights with friends where I have relapsed into a blackout state. One, most recent night in particular, I woke up at home the next day with no recollection of the night but had a terrible feeling. Then, my friend had told me that a man in a bar had kissed me. I told my bf and he forgave me and ever since then I have seriously toned down, but am scared for the next semester. I would never do anything even remotely deceitful sober. I beat myself up emotionally and mentally over it because I am disgusted. That event has made me reevaluate every night I have ever gone out. Although I had gotten blackout before, I had not had any reason to believe anything else happened but I can't stop thinking what if...someone else had kissed me or something along those lines and I just didn't remember? That fear is eating me up inside everyday and I don't know what to do. I can't look at my bf without thinking about these hypothetical situations. How do I forgive myself for things that probably didn't even happen? He doesn't deserve that. Do I need to just forget these situations with time? I have tried so hard and while I can forget them for a while something will happen that will bring up the fear again. I don't even want to go out anymore. Can someone please give me some insight on how to better myself?
Hillbilly Girl
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: In my Garden
Posts: 3,953
Glad your here tsetori......you are not alone in having done things while drinking that you deeply regret. Tomorrow is done & gone, you can only move forward. Do your best to let go & forgive yourself, as beating yourself up about it is likely to keep you stuck in the cycle. Take it one day at a time...you've come to a great place here for support & understanding....you are among friends.
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Join Date: Jan 2015
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Thank you MariahGayle. I thought that the situation was over when I received his forgiveness, but it is slow days like today that the fear consumes my mind. I feel safe speaking to you all here. I do want so badly to remove myself from the cycle.
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Join Date: Jan 2015
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Thank you MariahGayle. I thought that the situation was over when I received his forgiveness, but it is slow days like today that the fear consumes my mind. I feel safe speaking to you all here. I do want so badly to remove myself from the cycle.
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Join Date: Jan 2015
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Thank you MariahGayle. I thought that the situation was over when I received his forgiveness, but it is slow days like today that the fear consumes my mind. I feel safe speaking to you all here. I do want so badly to remove myself from the cycle.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 69
I started drinking when I started college and did many, many things that I was ashamed of. I've accepted that alcohol more or less turns me into a different person (and was told as much by someone). Thankfully I quit drinking not long after finishing college but it took a while for me to forgive myself.
The process of forgiving myself didn't even begin until some time after I quit drinking. That's pretty messed up considering some of the things I did. Alcohol made me extremely selfish, even when I wasn't drunk. It wasn't until I quit that I was able to look objectively at what I had done, and process the long overdue guilt.
My advice to you is to quit drinking ASAP so you can focus on yourself and take a look at what alcohol has done to your life, so you can move on and live in a way that makes you proud of yourself.
The process of forgiving myself didn't even begin until some time after I quit drinking. That's pretty messed up considering some of the things I did. Alcohol made me extremely selfish, even when I wasn't drunk. It wasn't until I quit that I was able to look objectively at what I had done, and process the long overdue guilt.
My advice to you is to quit drinking ASAP so you can focus on yourself and take a look at what alcohol has done to your life, so you can move on and live in a way that makes you proud of yourself.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 10,912
Tsetori, I also think it starts with quitting drinking for good and focusing on maintaining that for a while. Of course it's very hard to live with these kinds of regrets, but the truth is, most of us are not equipped emotionally well enough to be able to deal with these things in the very early days... let alone trying to correct past wrongs. In this particular situation, if your troubles are mostly centered around your behaviors relative to your relationship, and you are still together, maybe have some good long honest discussions with him about all this and let him know that you seriously want to change your habits.
Later on, what works for me is doing positive things that target the present and future, not the past. There is no way to fix what was done, and trying to attempt it may just take you into more and more excessive ruminations and attempts that remain unsatisfying. I would say, trying to become a better partner in the future might be the best way to go, and that can only happen by working on your sobriety and your attitudes as a person in the present and near future. You might find that by focusing on your new phase of life might help forgive yourself some of those things. Others will probably recommend working a 12-step program also -- that might also be something to look into.
Later on, what works for me is doing positive things that target the present and future, not the past. There is no way to fix what was done, and trying to attempt it may just take you into more and more excessive ruminations and attempts that remain unsatisfying. I would say, trying to become a better partner in the future might be the best way to go, and that can only happen by working on your sobriety and your attitudes as a person in the present and near future. You might find that by focusing on your new phase of life might help forgive yourself some of those things. Others will probably recommend working a 12-step program also -- that might also be something to look into.
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Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: California
Posts: 2,693
I have blackout horror stories that would make a seasoned alcoholic blush.
If I were to continue drinking they would happen again and I'm not willing to ever go back to that horror. It took me a long time to get over the shame and regret but I can now that I don't drink. When we drink we lose control. Our behavior is totally unpredictable.
Are you ready to stop? You won't have to worry about any more blackouts if you don't drink.
If I were to continue drinking they would happen again and I'm not willing to ever go back to that horror. It took me a long time to get over the shame and regret but I can now that I don't drink. When we drink we lose control. Our behavior is totally unpredictable.
Are you ready to stop? You won't have to worry about any more blackouts if you don't drink.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Eastern Us
Posts: 1,366
Stop drinking and you won't have anymore blackout issue. As for the past, correct what you can and move on. The only moment you get to live now is this present one. Don't ruin this moment fixating on your past behavior.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: illinois
Posts: 907
this is difficult for those of us prone to beating ourselves up. although it is not productive to rehash and dwell, there is an original message your consciousness sent you that is valid. you did something (or drank something) that made you cross a line, and the consequences were painful.
as an absolute pro at flogging myself, i can give this advice:
get some alone time and allow your regrets to speak to you. let them go to town! then tell them you have listened. you have learned for them. you will make the necessary changes. be thankful you have a conscience (some folks dont, and they are truly lost). mentally tell these regrets that if they are done now, then the conversation is over. draw a line in the sand, and move forward improved.
this did not completely fix things for me, but when feeling grim, i can remember that i learned everything i could, and ive already "paid the price". -this helps me at least reduce the intensity of these episodes.
as an absolute pro at flogging myself, i can give this advice:
get some alone time and allow your regrets to speak to you. let them go to town! then tell them you have listened. you have learned for them. you will make the necessary changes. be thankful you have a conscience (some folks dont, and they are truly lost). mentally tell these regrets that if they are done now, then the conversation is over. draw a line in the sand, and move forward improved.
this did not completely fix things for me, but when feeling grim, i can remember that i learned everything i could, and ive already "paid the price". -this helps me at least reduce the intensity of these episodes.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: illinois
Posts: 907
this is difficult for those of us prone to beating ourselves up. although it is not productive to rehash and dwell, there is an original message your conscience sent you that is valid. you did something (or drank something) that made you cross a line, and the consequences were painful.
as an absolute pro at flogging myself, i can give this advice:
get some alone time and allow your regrets to speak to you. let them go to town! then tell them you have listened. you have learned from them. you will make the necessary changes. be thankful you have a conscience (some folks dont, and they are truly lost). mentally tell these regrets that if they are done now, then the conversation is over. draw a line in the sand, and move forward improved.
this did not completely fix things for me, but when feeling grim, i can remember that i learned everything i could, and ive already "paid the price". -this helps me at least reduce the intensity of these episodes.
as an absolute pro at flogging myself, i can give this advice:
get some alone time and allow your regrets to speak to you. let them go to town! then tell them you have listened. you have learned from them. you will make the necessary changes. be thankful you have a conscience (some folks dont, and they are truly lost). mentally tell these regrets that if they are done now, then the conversation is over. draw a line in the sand, and move forward improved.
this did not completely fix things for me, but when feeling grim, i can remember that i learned everything i could, and ive already "paid the price". -this helps me at least reduce the intensity of these episodes.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: The Sooner State
Posts: 1,725
ah yeah the shame & guilt. No fun. Only way to make it "feel" better is start making positive changes and grow as a person. For right now focus on not drinking, one day at a time. Sober time under your belt will sooth the memories. It sucks. Still to this day a drunken episode/memory will pop in my head. I pray and dismiss it. I cant change it. The guilt used to keep me drunk. See the cycle? comfort=numb=awful guilt=time to comfort again
Only you can stop it.
Dont beat yourself up. We have all been there!
Only you can stop it.
Dont beat yourself up. We have all been there!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 22
Hey there and welcome! I am only on day 2 but have never felt so ready or strongly that it is time to quit! I too have a great guy and experience blackouts. I can swear I am going to control it better, etc. It always creeps back and bam, another blackout. I often get flirty although I usually don't recall it. I am not sure why I do that because I really do love my guy! I can only assume I'm a little insecure and feed off the attention or maybe lacking some reassurance...good luck and id say just quit If you can! HUGS
Member
Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 22
Hey there and welcome! I am only on day 2 but have never felt so ready or strongly that it is time to quit! I too have a great guy and experience blackouts. I can swear I am going to control it better, etc. It always creeps back and bam, another blackout. I often get flirty although I usually don't recall it. I am not sure why I do that because I really do love my guy! I can only assume I'm a little insecure and feed off the attention or maybe lacking some reassurance...good luck and id say just quit If you can! HUGS
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Toronto
Posts: 3,195
I have struggled with ruminating over blackout behaviour. I have ended up in jail cells at least 5 times, ER 4 times, and fought friends and family. I ruined a relationship with the girl I was going to marry over my blackout behaviour too. Time and acceptance will eventually allow you to forgive yourself.
I've never done anything remotely the same while sober so I know I am still a good person. You are still a good person too. We have a disease of the brain that gets activated when we drink. Sober is our only hope!
I've never done anything remotely the same while sober so I know I am still a good person. You are still a good person too. We have a disease of the brain that gets activated when we drink. Sober is our only hope!
Member
Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 13
For your past blackouts? Remember that some people act poorly sober! Clearly you're a decent person, but you'll never change the past! You're human, and ALL humans make mistakes. The best thing to do is move forward.
Tsetori as someone struggling after a bender.... to avoid future blackouts, we should both not drink.
Speaking on your matter has made me feel better about mine too. Thank you and best of luck. This is something millions have beaten, let's be next!
Tsetori as someone struggling after a bender.... to avoid future blackouts, we should both not drink.
Speaking on your matter has made me feel better about mine too. Thank you and best of luck. This is something millions have beaten, let's be next!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 23
Tsetori, wow I can so relate to your post! I also started drinking in college and started getting blackouts early on. When I'm sober I'm a very responsible person, completely different when drunk. I too was haunted by thinking about "what I might have done" during partying. Some things I did were truly awful, similar to your experiences, and getting myself in very dangerous situations. I was sober for 7 years and recently relapsed. When I started drinking again those anxious thoughts were back instantly, because I wasn't sure what I had said or done in my drunken stupor. Those thoughts took up a lot of energy and was almost paralyzing for me. Probably because I'm a very responsible person without the alcohol.
I have quit drinking again, it was so not worth it going back.
Thank you for writing about this, good luck to you!
I have quit drinking again, it was so not worth it going back.
Thank you for writing about this, good luck to you!
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