ubntubnt

Hi Dav, I think your drinking sounds pretty heavy to be honest. I fully understand the loneliness issue, I have worked away from home for two decades and much of it has been anything but a party.
I feel that if you drop the booze you will give your real self a chance to discover itself and express itself and from that better things will flow in time. Alcohol will just dig a deeper hole rather than pull you out of it. Jan 1 is just around the corner....how about writing a list of 5 things that you will do next year? They don't have to be big life changing things, just things that you might have always wanted to do. For example....I am going to set up my own alcohol free group to meet on Sundays with kids. I advertised last week and had three replies already. I have only two requirements for the group 1) you struggle with alcohol and 2) you have kids. Anyway, you get the idea. Being sober will give you the wind to do the things that will open your door to others.

Michael66

So it sounds Davaidavai like sprotual growth and companionship are the the things you feel are most lacking at the moment.

I've loved, and still love, the spiritual journey. I have my spiritual home firmly rooted in the Church, but I also very much enjoy attending a weekly meditation group run by Buddhists. We meditate for about an hour and then we have some discussion. I enjoy the social contact in both Church and the meditation group. I'm sure you must have already thought whether you want to follow a spiritual path with others. That, I think, can be very rewarding but we do all need to find somewhere that allows us to explore that path with some freedom.

I can relate to what you say about the pleasure of alcohol and also the fantasy. It frustrated me that I didn't soon feel better, psychologically, after giving up. In fact for about 4 months I was more miserbale than when I was drinking.

God bless you Davaidavai

davaidavai

Thanks, but it all sounds so bleak. Groups and lists. I feel like I've tried all these things. AA, a sponsor, endless meetups. I just seem to have this knack for forming no personal connections. I'm not sure how common this experience is. It's sort of a relief to think that other people actually do form connections and fall in love with each other. I don't have the energy to drag myself out to do things alone like I used to, or wade through the vast indifference of other people. This is extremely self indulgent schlock, so sorry.

kittycat3

Hi D, I can relate to being lonely. I myself have plans to get out and make new friends in the new year. (I'm still working on the specifics.)
I can relate to the overwhelm of it all too. I plan to figure out what to do, one thing at a time. I am not sure what your issue is with not forming personal connections, but have you tried other AA groups, or made efforts yourself to "connect"? (Invite someone 1:1 for coffee, or to do some activity you enjoy?) As they say, if you want a friend you should BE a friend

Sorry if it sounds trite or cliche, but it's also a nugget of truth

awuh1

davaidavai
I noticed when you said that you "have tried all these things", that you did not mention the steps. Have you done them?

If not, perhaps that should be next on the to-do list?

davaidavai

I can't tell if I'm bad or not at connecting with people. It sucks. It sucked in AA as well. Those rooms can be just as cliquey and weird as the bar, worse if you've found one where the they are thick as thieves and some guy feeds his extremes on you through passionate sloganeering. But still at their worst there is something peaceful there. And it's not like that for everyone. I suspect that the people who were loved in the bar or before the bar are also loved in AA.

Yeah, I did the 12 steps over 8 months. Got to 12, but I suspected that my sponsor didn't think I was doing them right. I think he thought that I wasn't being honest with my amends list. And honestly, I'm not sure if I want to commit all the way to this particular way of life. Right now, I'd prefer to have it in my arsenal, like therapy and books and just trying to lead a more energetic life.

I accept the limitations regarding people as not bar specific. People everywhere are cliquey, fearful, self avoidant, slippery. Happiness is affirmed and sadness is heaped upon by the same short sided maxims that people use to avoid change and market toothpaste, although really I think most of who we are is an inheritance of some kind. There is little to earn. There is little to become.

But, this time I think I have some clarity. I accept my cultural and economic limitations. I'm from parents who couldn't and can't take care of themselves. I'm a person without connections gutting it out. I'm from a puritan society which itself seems conducive to the suppression of human nature and the manifestation of addictions and neurosis. I will never become Gerard Depardieu. This is it. Society pisses me off, but the fantasy is even more infuriating because it's based on society's biggest and most tedious gospel lies. But beneath that there is the world and there is something worth listening to I hope.

So I'm open to discovery, and I have sum forward momentum.

kittycat3

Well it certainly sounds as if you are thinking deep thoughts.....not sure what you mean about society suppressing and manifesting addictions. I suppose, but that's just life isn't it? It's hard, we all have bills to pay, and we are human beings that crave a "fix" to relieve pain. It makes sense to me.
I know people can be cliquey but maybe you need to keep looking for your "tribe". Attend another meeting, find one with someone you can buddy up with. We are social beings, some more than others, and it might be harder for you than most to make those connections but I believe you can if you try. Your therapist may help you craft a plan for how to do so, yeah?

davaidavai

I think my drinking and outlook is culturally specific, is what I mean to say. If I was from Russia I'd drink for another set of reasons. I'm from a small town where I felt totally alien. You know, just one of those places so amped up on its little enthusiasms, sports, skiing, organic produce. The preachy little isms of the place, and I always felt like there was no way into human warmth. And there wasn't for me. I grew up in a kind of solitude and I've spent my whole life alone, preached at by the economic imperatives of pulling yourself up by your bootstraps, although you have no connections, going out and making sense of yourself with others, although your situation is just the unintelligible half of the same culture, the same equation of mega churches, sport utility vehicles, jocks and nerds. I've never really had much of a reason to feel good about myself, and there are many reasons to drink, anywhere. And I'll always have the crap of my upbringing in me. I accept it. I'll always have that bullied, put upon, unadvised, un looked after little kid inside me, and maybe if I can live with that, then I can respect myself. My therapist is more of a listener than an adviser. He'd probably annoy the crap out of me if he were otherwise.

kittycat3

Ha. Well I have made much progress with therapists that annoy me...in fact I had one that down right pissed me off!
I'm working with one now who is helping me address the sad little kid inside of me. Her theory is that is who needs tending to so I can heal and move past the hurts of my childhood. I think you are on to something though....
I'm sorry you are struggling, but as I said, I too feel alone. I hope you have a wonderful 2015 and find some resolution to what you are grappling with!

JanieJ

Brilliant post Wayne. So true.