Step one
Old and in the Way
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: High and Dry
Posts: 789
Step one
Howdy gang. Met with my sponsor today, and just thought I'd journal a little on a step one issue I'm struggling with. If you'd asked me last week, I would have told you I had Step One nailed. Today, I'm just planning to stay sober for tonight without worrying about the rest. I'm just feeling bored and restless, and kind of searching for the point. Dealing with a few cravings too, but nothing I can't handle.
I accept that I'm powerless over alcohol for reasons that we're all pretty familiar with. There's really no doubt in my mind about that one. It's a lot harder to accept that my life has become unmanageable, and I'm really coming to understand the importance of that aspect of step one. I've got a great job; I'm blessed that I make plenty of money; other than occasional, mild expressions of concern, my wife hasn't complained that much about my drinking (much of which is hidden); and none of my kids have turned into goths (of course, my oldest child is only 4). By all outward signs, there's nothing in my life that I have any right to complain about.
I could write a list just as long in the negative column that any sane person would point to as evidence of unmanageability. Isolation, depression, hangovers, inefficiency at work, rigidity, disinterest in activities that don't involve drinking, alienation from my family, fears about wrecking my kids' lives, hiding my drinking, and the list goes on.
In my heart, though, it's hard to embrace the idea that things are unmanageable given how good things look from the outside. Most days - particularly after a few days dry, my life doesn't feel unmanageable, and giving into that powerlessness aspect seems like an acceptable surrender. I'm on day six right now, by the way, so I'm very much in that frame of mind.
I know all the AA catch-phrases - E.g., that alcoholism is progressive and that "YET" mean's "you're elegible too", etc. But the 12 steps make up a pretty steep hill, and it's hard to commit to going to any lengths necessary without that outward evidence that things have spun out of control.
I don't know if any of this has a point, really. I'm definitely not looking for sympathy here. Just trying to be honest about things, and maybe hoping to spark a little discussion. I've been treating this and the AA board as kind of my own little recovery BLOG lately, btw. Hope no one minds, and I do appreciate the feedback.
I accept that I'm powerless over alcohol for reasons that we're all pretty familiar with. There's really no doubt in my mind about that one. It's a lot harder to accept that my life has become unmanageable, and I'm really coming to understand the importance of that aspect of step one. I've got a great job; I'm blessed that I make plenty of money; other than occasional, mild expressions of concern, my wife hasn't complained that much about my drinking (much of which is hidden); and none of my kids have turned into goths (of course, my oldest child is only 4). By all outward signs, there's nothing in my life that I have any right to complain about.
I could write a list just as long in the negative column that any sane person would point to as evidence of unmanageability. Isolation, depression, hangovers, inefficiency at work, rigidity, disinterest in activities that don't involve drinking, alienation from my family, fears about wrecking my kids' lives, hiding my drinking, and the list goes on.
In my heart, though, it's hard to embrace the idea that things are unmanageable given how good things look from the outside. Most days - particularly after a few days dry, my life doesn't feel unmanageable, and giving into that powerlessness aspect seems like an acceptable surrender. I'm on day six right now, by the way, so I'm very much in that frame of mind.
I know all the AA catch-phrases - E.g., that alcoholism is progressive and that "YET" mean's "you're elegible too", etc. But the 12 steps make up a pretty steep hill, and it's hard to commit to going to any lengths necessary without that outward evidence that things have spun out of control.
I don't know if any of this has a point, really. I'm definitely not looking for sympathy here. Just trying to be honest about things, and maybe hoping to spark a little discussion. I've been treating this and the AA board as kind of my own little recovery BLOG lately, btw. Hope no one minds, and I do appreciate the feedback.
JUST FOR TODAY
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Lowell, MA
Posts: 104
Brookie, what I learned about honesty the most was, I had to get honest with myself. Sure, for all anybody else sees, everything on the outside looks great. Got to ask you an honest question. How do you feel on the inside?
Particularily to this list you posted.
A 20 lb bar that is gold plated looks great, until you find out it is lead.
I like the way you are looking at step 1 though, which a lot of people don't see at first. That it is in 2 parts. I am powerless over alcohol - My life had become unmanageable.
For me I not only had to admit these honestly to myself, I had to learn to accept them also.
Going to AA meetings has helped me a lot. I have learned to keep the drink down and am learning how to life a new life. A life that I like a lot better and I like the person I am becoming a lot better.
There are two things I would like to pass on to you. 1. There is hope, and you can find it in the fellowship of AA. 2. There is a better way of living that works, and you can find it in the 12 Steps of Recovery.
I have found all my answers in the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous, and I have found a solution.
Hope you do too.
God Bless.
Harry
Particularily to this list you posted.
Isolation, depression, hangovers, inefficiency at work, rigidity, disinterest in activities that don't involve drinking, alienation from my family, fears about wrecking my kids' lives, hiding my drinking
I like the way you are looking at step 1 though, which a lot of people don't see at first. That it is in 2 parts. I am powerless over alcohol - My life had become unmanageable.
For me I not only had to admit these honestly to myself, I had to learn to accept them also.
Going to AA meetings has helped me a lot. I have learned to keep the drink down and am learning how to life a new life. A life that I like a lot better and I like the person I am becoming a lot better.
There are two things I would like to pass on to you. 1. There is hope, and you can find it in the fellowship of AA. 2. There is a better way of living that works, and you can find it in the 12 Steps of Recovery.
I have found all my answers in the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous, and I have found a solution.
Hope you do too.
God Bless.
Harry
Old and in the Way
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: High and Dry
Posts: 789
Originally Posted by HarryH
Got to ask you an honest question. How do you feel on the inside?
That's got to be a small sign of progress.
I like the way you are looking at step 1 though, which a lot of people don't see at first. That it is in 2 parts. I am powerless over alcohol - My life had become unmanageable.
There are two things I would like to pass on to you. 1. There is hope, and you can find it in the fellowship of AA. 2. There is a better way of living that works, and you can find it in the 12 Steps of Recovery.
Best,
Joe
Paused
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Federal Way, WA
Posts: 30
Brookie - You raise many issues with respect to the "managability" issue within Step One. Without knowing much of your history it is hard to address.
However, you yourself identified several areas of unmanagability in your post
All of thes CAN be described as unmanagable aspects of your life, but only YOU through honest appraisal can determine if they are. As you may already be aware, many of the items you describe can more than likely be characterized as manifistations of "self" and fear. You will explore these in greater detail when you beging working Step Four. However, you have made a great start.
If any of the defects you wrote about above are causing problems in your life, then I would surmise there is at least a certain level of unmanagability there. Example, you stated somewhere in your post that there was not too much flack from your wife (although you admit to hiding it from her), but up above you state alienation from my family. That is just one instance that I bring to your attention. If that is NOT unmanagaeability my friend then what is? We don't have to become bankrupt or loose our jobs for our lives to be unmanageable. Try this phrase and insert any of your fears or concerns in the blank - "I am powerless over alcohol and _____________ is unmanageable by ME". For this example, put feeling as though I am alienated from my family.
You should start to get the picture when doing this. Then you will begin to understand how to begin solving the issues with Steps Two and Three.
As usual, run this by your sponsor. Keep what works for you, if any of it, and toss the rest.
In my experience, if I questioned or doubted and item, it was usually unmanageable by me, I only thought I could manage or "ghast" CONTROL it.
Thanks for letting me share!
However, you yourself identified several areas of unmanagability in your post
I could write a list just as long in the negative column that any sane person would point to as evidence of unmanageability. Isolation, depression, hangovers, inefficiency at work, rigidity, disinterest in activities that don't involve drinking, alienation from my family, fears about wrecking my kids' lives, hiding my drinking, and the list goes on.
If any of the defects you wrote about above are causing problems in your life, then I would surmise there is at least a certain level of unmanagability there. Example, you stated somewhere in your post that there was not too much flack from your wife (although you admit to hiding it from her), but up above you state alienation from my family. That is just one instance that I bring to your attention. If that is NOT unmanagaeability my friend then what is? We don't have to become bankrupt or loose our jobs for our lives to be unmanageable. Try this phrase and insert any of your fears or concerns in the blank - "I am powerless over alcohol and _____________ is unmanageable by ME". For this example, put feeling as though I am alienated from my family.
You should start to get the picture when doing this. Then you will begin to understand how to begin solving the issues with Steps Two and Three.
As usual, run this by your sponsor. Keep what works for you, if any of it, and toss the rest.
In my experience, if I questioned or doubted and item, it was usually unmanageable by me, I only thought I could manage or "ghast" CONTROL it.
Thanks for letting me share!
Member
Join Date: May 2003
Location: El Paso, Tx
Posts: 5,862
Originally Posted by Brookie
I could write a list just as long in the negative column that any sane person would point to as evidence of unmanageability. Isolation, depression, hangovers, inefficiency at work, rigidity, disinterest in activities that don't involve drinking, alienation from my family, fears about wrecking my kids' lives, hiding my drinking, and the list goes on.
I struggled with the same. I was a high functioning alcoholic, and as, you, by all outward appearances, I was normal. I couldn't get the unmanageability part either. But I journaled nearly verbatum what you have above, and with respect to your life, and your personal circustances, isn't the above a hinderance to YOUR life, as it pertains to you? Isn't all the above enough? I get ya I really do, as you grow in the program, and mature in sobriety, you'll be able to make better sense as to how it pertains to you, how you adapt it and mold the steps to your life style. I too, thought it was a tall order, one I wasn't sure I could commit to. But when I compare where I've been, where I don't want to go, and where I am now, it's a relativly simple "plan" to follow and work on to maintain, that oh so important aspect you've wanted to accomplish for so long, sobriety, no? Give yourself a break, it all works out as it's supposed to.
Don't get undies in a bunch
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: South Shore MA
Posts: 7,120
Originally Posted by Brookie
By all outward signs, there's nothing in my life that I have any right to complain about.
... it's hard to commit to going to any lengths necessary without that outward evidence that things have spun out of control.
I've been treating this and the AA board as kind of my own little recovery BLOG lately, btw. Hope no one minds, and I do appreciate the feedback.
... it's hard to commit to going to any lengths necessary without that outward evidence that things have spun out of control.
I've been treating this and the AA board as kind of my own little recovery BLOG lately, btw. Hope no one minds, and I do appreciate the feedback.
As far as rights to complain about.... I have a choice to deal with what ever comes along and with that choice I can complain or deal with it.
Could it be you have just been dealing with things because they are not huge? Still could be things there just not huge things.
Spinning out of control?
When a airplane starts in a spin... when is it a problem? When it first starts to spin or when it is 2 feet off the ground? It is a problem the whole time. At the beginning of the spin it is easier to stop and control the spin is all.
and now I am thinking if you get out of hand.... I have a fly rod that would look good with a brookie on the end *LOL*
Congratulations on how far you have come. Keep up the great work.
Old and in the Way
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: High and Dry
Posts: 789
Thanks to all for for the collective wisdom. Here's celebrating nearly a week sober.
Thanks Chy - That's my plan exactly. Definitely not trying to find all the answers at once.
Best - You've decoded out my nickname. Brookies are my favorite fish. Well, maybe tied with cutthroat, but people would get the wrong idea if I called myself cutthroat. Both live in the wildest and most unspoiled places, and are usually crazy to take a fly.
God bless.
Joe
Originally Posted by chy
Give yourself a break, it all works out as it's supposed to.
Originally Posted by Best
I have a fly rod that would look good with a brookie on the end *LOL*
God bless.
Joe
Moderator
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: Leaving Sparta
Posts: 2,912
Hey Brookie.
Recovery has taught me that the unmanagabilty spoken of in Step one appears in two ways.
1) Outward manifestations of unmanagability eg. job loss, broken, relationships, incarceration
2) Internal unmanagability eg. the inability to manage our emotions and feelings like anger, jealousy , resentments ,sadness which causes us to act in inappropriate ways.
The internal variety is obviously more insiduous and we can hide emotional unmanagability our entire lives.We may act out by raging when our anger becomes unbearable or we may isolate when our depression deepens.
Either kind of unmanagability is inevitably detrimental to the quality of our lives and to our relationships.
Recovery has taught me that the unmanagabilty spoken of in Step one appears in two ways.
1) Outward manifestations of unmanagability eg. job loss, broken, relationships, incarceration
2) Internal unmanagability eg. the inability to manage our emotions and feelings like anger, jealousy , resentments ,sadness which causes us to act in inappropriate ways.
The internal variety is obviously more insiduous and we can hide emotional unmanagability our entire lives.We may act out by raging when our anger becomes unbearable or we may isolate when our depression deepens.
Either kind of unmanagability is inevitably detrimental to the quality of our lives and to our relationships.
Paused
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Federal Way, WA
Posts: 30
Originally Posted by Peter
Hey Brookie.
Recovery has taught me that the unmanagabilty spoken of in Step one appears in two ways.
1) Outward manifestations of unmanagability eg. job loss, broken, relationships, incarceration
2) Internal unmanagability eg. the inability to manage our emotions and feelings like anger, jealousy , resentments ,sadness which causes us to act in inappropriate ways.
The internal variety is obviously more insiduous and we can hide emotional unmanagability our entire lives.We may act out by raging when our anger becomes unbearable or we may isolate when our depression deepens.
Either kind of unmanagability is inevitably detrimental to the quality of our lives and to our relationships.
Recovery has taught me that the unmanagabilty spoken of in Step one appears in two ways.
1) Outward manifestations of unmanagability eg. job loss, broken, relationships, incarceration
2) Internal unmanagability eg. the inability to manage our emotions and feelings like anger, jealousy , resentments ,sadness which causes us to act in inappropriate ways.
The internal variety is obviously more insiduous and we can hide emotional unmanagability our entire lives.We may act out by raging when our anger becomes unbearable or we may isolate when our depression deepens.
Either kind of unmanagability is inevitably detrimental to the quality of our lives and to our relationships.
Old and in the Way
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: High and Dry
Posts: 789
Originally Posted by Peter
2) Internal unmanagability eg. the inability to manage our emotions and feelings like anger, jealousy , resentments ,sadness which causes us to act in inappropriate ways.
The internal variety is obviously more insiduous and we can hide emotional unmanagability our entire lives.We may act out by raging when our anger becomes unbearable or we may isolate when our depression deepens.
The internal variety is obviously more insiduous and we can hide emotional unmanagability our entire lives.We may act out by raging when our anger becomes unbearable or we may isolate when our depression deepens.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Posts: 8,709
Originally Posted by Brookie
Paradoxically, it's hardest to remember that on a day like today, when I'm feeling good.
OK, you messed up and went overboard... Surely I learned a lesson. I'll be careful this time...
I guess I listened to that voice a couple hundred thousand times until I finally realized I can't be careful when it comes to alcohol and other drugs.
I know you know this.
But watch out for those feel good days.
And the voice that surfaces.
It's alcoholism calling your name.
Old and in the Way
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: High and Dry
Posts: 789
Thanks Dan.
You know the funny thing is I hear so many alkies say they just wish they could drink like normal people - have a couple of beers and easily walk away. I've never wanted to drink that way, and still don't. The first time I got drunk at about 15 or 16, I remember very distinctly thinking, "Man - I'll never get my fill of this stuff, but I'm d@mned sure going to try." I've always wanted to have as much as I could get, whenever I could get it. I've spent 20 years making and refining an art form out of that goal while not quite landing myself in jail or divorce court. I've been "controlling" my drinking with the concentration of a tightrope walker for two decades. But the idea of "learning my lesson" has never really been part of the equasion for me.
Reminds me of a thread that was active a few weeks back titled something like "why do normal people drink anyway?" I probably didn't realize how relevant that was to me at the time - and by the way I drank myself under the table the night that was up on the board.
Originally Posted by My Man Dangerous Dan
Surely I learned a lesson. I'll be careful this time...
Reminds me of a thread that was active a few weeks back titled something like "why do normal people drink anyway?" I probably didn't realize how relevant that was to me at the time - and by the way I drank myself under the table the night that was up on the board.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Posts: 8,709
Originally Posted by Brookie
I've always wanted to have as much as I could get, whenever I could get it.
"Man - I'll never get my fill of this stuff, but I'm d@mned sure going to try."
We must be distant cousins.Oh, wait, of course we are
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Posts: 8,709
lmao
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