MelindaFlowers

I ponder a lot about random things now that I don't drink anymore. I think back to the living nightmare that active alcoholism brought to my life. The thoughts are often pretty obvious (like preschool level) but they still make a little bell go ding in my head.

Today I was thinking about how active alcoholics feel like crap every moment that they are not drinking. Every moment of every day that they don't have a drink in their hand. Complete and utter crap. Total garbage. Mental or physical, we were not centered, ever.

I was hungover everyday from 7 am until 5 pm whether at work, running errands, or on the couch which was becoming more and more common. Then I was drunk from 6 pm until I passed out. So, 10 hours of feeling like crap and five hours of feeling numb. I never felt good or happy. What a life, huh?

I was never content if I wasn't drinking. Even not accounting for the daily hangover, things like canoeing on a lake or walking the dog were not enjoyable like they should be. I never felt calm or content without drinking.

I have no idea what I am trying to get at! I guess I am just thinking about how I thought drinking made me feel good or centered but it did neither.

Doesn't your life of active alcoholism look so much worse in hindsight? Like even worse than you thought it was at the time?

I had a friend say something to me once that stuck with me for some reason. We were talking about Whitney Houston after her passing and my friend said that she sees the devil when she sees an addict drunk or high. She didn't mean it in a religious way, just that she sees pure evil and sadness when someone is under the influence. Immense sadness.

Okay, random nonsensical post over. Thoughts? Lol.....

OklaBH

"things like canoeing on a lake or walking the dog were not enjoyable like they should be. I never felt calm or content without drinking. "

SO TRUE! Even something as sweet as Christmas morning, watching the kids open gifts. My mind was racing. "Is it to early for a drink? Oh I will put it in my coffee cup"..Wasn't I smart?

I never thought the anxiety would go away. Im a high strung person by nature. But, the gut wrenching, anxious, paranoia is gone.

IDK about you, but I worry about relapse A LOT. i never want to get sucked into that cycle again.

Thanks for the thread. I will probably add more to it later, as I will always have a clustered alcoholic brain

afloatsober

I shared at one of my meetings recently that I have never felt happier in my life. It precipitated some debate and a few funny looks.....
The reason why I feel happier is summed up perfectly in your post.
Probably much better than I did! LOL
G

BackToSquareOne

Melinda, that was an incredibly powerfull post. I think a big part of it is that there isn't much in real life that stimulates the pleasure centers in the brain to the same extent as alcohol or drugs. The instant gratification is short lived tho and everything gets slammed into reverse as soon as the substances wear off.

The drive to recapture those feelings is what kept many of us comming back for more. Of course the problem is that after a while the good feelings can no longer be found. The seeking is then all about stopping the bad feelings or at least feeling half way normal. Given enough time you forget what that distant memory "normal" even felt like.

It is only in retrospect that I saw how completely mixed up all of that behavior was. Just glad that part of the story is over, no more trips to the haunted house in this lifetime!

Carbonized

The thing about using alcohol to stop the bad feelings is trying to figure out how to do that when alcohol is no longer an option.

Pipping

I can relate to your post Melinda. I spent most of my 20s and all of my 30s pretty much drunk or hungover. Whenever I couldn't drink I would feel exhausted and lifeless. I was always sick with stomach aches and colds, acid reflux and migraine headaches. I had a fungal nail infection that took five years to heal. alcohol is utter poison
On the devil thing I can relate to that as well. I have a relative that smokes pot and drinks and when he does both together and heavily, he gets a dead look in his eyes and talks in a monotone. It is really unpleasant and scary.

BackToSquareOne

You know Carbonized, one thing I found out the hard way is that you can at least deal with depression. It's not easy but it beats the living hell out of depression stacked on top of the living hell of alcohol withdrawal. One thing you can count on is that everything gets much worse with alcohol, especially anxiety and depression.

I can still remember my last withdrawals, a constant sense of impending doom, a feeling like I couldn't sit still, had to pace around like my life depended on it. Had constant racing thoughts, the anxiety and depression went to levels I had never before experienced. All of that doesn't even take into consideration the blind terror of early withdrawal, shaking, sweating, insomnia, seeing and hearing things that were not there. That's the point where suicide seems like a great option.

I don't know that there is a simple cure for depression in every case, there are countless things you can do to make life tenable. I do know that alcohol is not even an option, unless you really want to explore the depths of misery.

For now I just look at depression as something I'll just have to deal with, a challenge of sorts. I haven't beat it completely but it is much better with alcohol and drugs out of the picture.

0percentABV

I always say, and just did in another thread, that the few hours of drunken bliss isn't worth the day of pain that follows. My whole life was centered around alcohol. I had to factor it in in everything I did. "So I'm going to my daughters school function, liquor store closes at 8 so I should get booze now in case I don't get out of there in time." Hell most days I was thinking about drinking the moment I woke up. Or worse. Thinking about how I shouldn't have drank so much and then slowly talking myself into drinking when the work day is over and then plotting out when, where and what. And then when the writing was on the wall that I was an alcoholic trying to manage control of my drinking. Making sure it was just enough to "put out the tiny fires" but not enough to cripple me in the morning and then only getting enough to do that and spending the rest of the night fighting myself to not run to the bar or liq. Such a drain on myself, my family, my wallet everything!

I sit here now thinking what a fool I was to think that drinking was worth all that. Even jsut casual drinking. What's the point? I think about if maybe I wasn't an alcoholic would I still drink and sitting where I am today the answer is no. Feeling good feels great.

jerri11

Great thread, MelindaFlowers, and not random at all. Just reading thru this and thinking about my own experience. The drinking deadened all the bad feelings, but it also deadened the good ones too. When I was drinking I got NO pleasure out of anything at all except drinking. Now, all those things I use to enjoy are back and it just feels amazing.

gaffo

I am a serious drag racer. I do it whenever I can. I remember the horrible feeling of being hot and strapped into a very very loud car with a hangover many times, knowing that when I lost I would be able to get myself a cold beer and put myself out of my misery. It took me a while to live with the fact that win, lose, or draw, I wasn't getting anymore beer. Now I love it and I win more.