torquemax777

I am a wife with an alcoholic husband. I usually post on the friends and family forum, but this particular question seems more appropriate for this forum. I was just curious why some of the negative physical consequences of drinking don't cause some alcoholics to quit? The last few times my husband has "tied one on" he has spent days afterward running to the bathroom with the proverbial "Hershey squirts." That, along with other stomach flu symptoms. Yet a week or two go by, and he's ready to give alcohol another go. If a person ate at a restaurant that gave them food poisoning every time they ate there, they would quit going to said restaurant. I realize that a majority of alcoholics either don't seem to have many hangovers (my mom claims my dad was this way) or that many alcoholics never quit drinking long enough to suffer some of the withdrawal issues. My husband is more of a binge drinker; primarily, I believe, because he's only white knuckling it for that week or two then just can't take it anymore, then ends up on a two or three day bender where be consumes beer every waking hour and is only "not drinking" about 4-6 hours while he sleeps. I've read that binge drinking is way more hard on your body than daily drinking; however, regardless of that, why continue to try it again if it's proven to make you sicker than a dog? And also, if he's able to make it for a week or two, why not at least keep going? Is almost like he just gets over being sick and feels good for only a few days before putting himself through the misery again! It's he masochistic or what? I could understand if he was like my dad was (before he died of colon cancer-probably indirectly related to his alcoholism) but for those of you who got sick after every binder, why was that not enough motivation to quit for good?

biminiblue

Some of us die from this.

I couldn't put two thoughts together at the end, and making rational decisions was not in my wheel house.

Alcohol quiets all the scary thoughts. Once we learn this, there is no going back.


Nothing says it better than the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous, page 30, First Edition:

IOAA2

Hi.
Talk about the $64,000 question.
Perhaps it’s as simply because we are addicted to alcohol along with many other factors. People who react to strawberries shellfish etc usually won’t try them again but we are wired differently like it’s a macho challenge, same for women. I had an uncountable history of promising MYSELF in the AM I won’t drink today. By 4PM the built in forgetter took over my actions and reactions and by 7PM a fifth was finished and I was passed out. Some people call that fun, now I call it part of the insanity of this disease. BFTGOG it ended when I ACCEPTED that I could no longer drink in safety. Denial I believe is the #1 reason most have so much trouble stopping.

BE WELL

AlexThedude

I honestly didn't realize how bad it was, during a lot of it... there were times I'd think about it, but I would forget about it while drunk.

GracieLou

Like IOAA2 I told myself many times I would not drink today and the minute I left work it was a race to get home and drink. The physical pain was rarely ever a deterrent for me. If anything I just drank earlier in the day. The so called hair of the dog. Get drunk again to wash away the hangover.

First, I have an obsession of the mind. I thought about drinking all the time. All day long I wanted to drink. Then once I drink I have the craving. I have one and I want more and more and more. I drink faster and the drinks are stronger each time. The thought of being sick from it does not even occur to me, ever. I never thought, I am going to pay for this later. The thought just does not come or appear in my brain and even if it did, I wouldn’t have cared.

The person that eats a bad meal does not go again but they not addicted to that meal. There is not an obsession or a craving for that meal. It just registers in the brain not to eat that again. It never registered in my brain not to drink again.

I am sure you have a had a craving in your life for ice cream or a cheeseburger. You get it and you think “YEAH, that was good, that hit the spot!”. You feel satisfied.

I never hit the spot. There is no spot. The off button is broken or missing. I was never satisfied.

torquemax777

Thank you all for your replies, that's kinda what I thought, but it's very discouraging, because as it's often said here, something to the effect of, " an alcoholic will only quit when the negative consequences outweigh the benefits." It just seems like chronic diarrhea would be on the top of the, "enough is enough" list. So, if that's not enough, along with the 5 DUIs, 3 times to prison, countless times in jail, a permanent restraining order placed on him by my ex husband (he can never be within 100 yards of my three daughters) and now developing health problems, what will it take for Pete's sake!?!? I was going the diarrhea would be the last straw. I'm not ignorant to the fact that some alcoholics never recover until they die, but it's hard for me to give up when I've seen him stay sober for up to a year at a time, and after all that we've been through. But I'm barely hangin on anymore.

desypete

i never gave up before i was beated because i always believed i could one day master the drink
its the insanity of it all
why does a jay walker keep on trying to throw himself in front of moving traffic and hopes he will not get hit ?

wouldnt you think that sort of behaviour is a little bit odd ? yet the alcohilc will do exactly the same except its drink that he wants to play russion roulette with

doggonecarl

Our affliction defies logic. I don't know why some quit and some don't. I figure the desire to get sober is like a flame. In some of us, it burns bright. In others, it is weak, flickers, and sadly, for some, it goes out.

least

My drinking fit the definition of insanity: doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. I knew it was bad for me but continued to drink anyway.

I had to get some sober time under my belt before I could see it for what it really was - an addiction.

torquemax777

So, in all reality, I asked a rhetorical question, in that, I kinda knew what the answers would be before I even asked the question. It's one of those, "only time will tell" and "who knows what or even 'if' it will take" eh? I'm just so jealous of all of you who seem so solid in your recovery and sobriety. I realize, any of you could fall at anytime you let your guard down; but as the months and years go by, your odds of permanent sobriety go way up. Congrats to y'all for any amount of sobriety you have obtained. There is no AA or celebrate recovery or smart here in this tiny Mormon town (I think they have their head in the sand) I'm trying to get him to read the posts on this site, but it's challenging as he despises technology. I thought maybe a separation might be helpful, but I have no financial means to do so at this time. But I do appreciate all of you guys and your insight.

Gottalife

The insanity of the first drink is really a defining characteristic of the alcoholic. The absolute inability to leave it alone no matter how great the wish or the need. No sane person would touch a drop if they had even just one of the bad experiences that are a regular consequence for us.

Though at times we may try to straighten out, and maybe even manage a good dry spell, there always seems to come a time when all our defences are down and we find some flimsy pretext for taking the fatal first drink.

Something more is required. If there are no AA groups or other alcohol services in your area, perhaps try some of the self help books that are available. It may also be possible for you to make contact with Alanon who, I am told, can do a lot to help you.

zjw

why does an obese person continue to keep a poor diet and not exercise?
why does the smoker still smoke despite the warnings right there on the label?

we are sick we need help is all. Many non drinkers do some rediculously dumb things over and over again.

For example I have a cup in my bathroom i'll drink out of when im thirsty. I rarely wash this cup out. I generally know its time to wash that cup when for no reason at all I have the hershey squirts myself and I think hmm DUH quit drinking out of a rediculously dirty cup.

Sooner or later I'll learn.

I'd wake up hungover day in and day out and gladly drink again each night. Made 0 rational sense. But then not everything we do is rational or logical at all.

Che

My guess is that you know it is supposed to make you feel good, that it makes other people feel good, and for at least awhile, it really does make you feel good.

Why do people keep searching for love even if they've had their heart broken a million times, or hold onto friendships that hurt them, or stick by people who don't properly care for them?

The answers may be kind of the same. I know that the day I stopped having a problem was the day I figured out what alcohol actually is. To be clear, I mean that we get messages from everywhere that tell us how great a thing alcohol is, and people get messages from everywhere about how great love is. Both those things have real flip-sides if things don't go well, both those things are basically fine if they do go well.

I just want to try to give you a thought provoking answer. I am not saying love and alcohol are really the same thing, just that the reason people endure suffering for either might not be all that different. It's easy enough to say that while your husband puts up with what alcohol does to him, you put up with what your husband does to you. It's also fair to say sticking by a human being is totally different from sticking by a drug.

zjw

yeah take it a step further one could really belittle another for there habits. For years and even now there are certain people that just cant seem to wait to poke at me for my various habits. I could maybe spend my money this way or that way. I could eat this and not that. etc.. The kicker with it is I could nit pick any one of these folks for there numerious rediculous habits as well.

It can be hard to accept people as they are even when you can see they are hurting themselves. Someone who's accepting and supportive of you no matter what your circumstances is priceless. We sadly dont get to many of these in life.

torquemax777

Zjw, your response was very humbling as I'm both overweight and I smoke (my AH smokes as well) I think you hit on a point that also makes it very difficult to give up on him. Who am I to leave him when I have my own addictions?

He's even brought that up; I told him that it my being overweight and a smoker has such consequences that he can no longer tolerate living with me, that he should absolutely, without a doubt, leave me because of it.

A lot of spouses will leave an alcoholic that is not abusive, drunk driving, etc... Simply because they cannot watch them drink themselves to death. I can honestly say that if that was the only reason, I would probably stay with him; and may do so anyway.

The problem I'm facing though, is that he continues to put himself at risk for all sorts of VERY BAD consequences; still drives drunk, wants to fight, misses work, etc.... Not to mention that the older I get, the harder it is for me to cope with his rants, raves,and tantrums. I don't feel physically threatened, but like for example, the other night he literally acted demon possessed! He was screaming at Satan, and almost tore our shower apart, then got out and started banging his head over and over! All this after he took our 3 month old 4 wheeler out after he was already drunk and got it stuck in a mud hole so deep he was covered from head to toe in mud. AND, he does not remember anything after getting the 4 wheeler unstuck.

So if my smoking and being fat is causing that much turmoil in his life, yes, I suggest he runs, not walks, as far and fast away from me as possible.

zjw

either of you are free to leave the other for whatever reason. no one is perfect and the desire to change has to come from within the individual. He should accept you for who you are despite your flaws. Like wise you should accept him for who he is despite his flaws.

My wife tolerated my drunken nonsense for years. I told her recently what i did was awful and i'd never tolerate that out of someone else. See? I could easily ruin someone elses life through the ringer witht hat drunken stuff but I honestly dunno that I could tolerate it out of someone else. Pretty sad huh?

But at the end of the day there is a point where your ruining yourself by being with the person. And its time to move one. I dunno when this point is.

I smoked 2 packs a day drank like a fish and was 275 lbs. When the panic attacks got so bad from the drinking i quit. Eventually i said hey i wanna feel better i quit smoking and lost the weight. I now weight 150 lbs and am fit and dont smoke. In my case my wife is still heavy. In her time she'll slim down or she wont it doesnt matter I'll love her just the same.

But yes it was hard for me to rise up despite situation. Believe me my wife would want me to eat cake with her. Years ago one or the other would wanna quit smoking or quit dope and the other would drag the other down. Neither of us was strong enough on our own to stand up and rise above the nonsense despite the others drag on us.

2 people can be so bad together or they can be so good together.

Its hard becuase one decides to say enough i dont wanna do it anymore and the other drags the other one back down knowingly or not it doesnt matter. back into the pit ya go.

I had to claw my way out believe me. and My relationship is a little off I know she doesnt feel quite right me being mr health nut etc.. and her not things are a bit off balanced.

You can set an example try not to let his nonsense eat ya up and do whats best for you. When someone gets sober they have to be rather selfish and do what they gotta do to get themselves sober for the greater good etc.. They gotta get there inner house in order before they can get there outer house in order. For me it was the same game with diet exercise quiting smoking etc...

Alcoholics pick good spouses they say tho. My wifes still with me. your still with him. Your here looking for help. Pretty awesome if you ask me. Sounds to me like your trying to get out of the pit. I hope he can get out too tho.

Hawks

Clancy I. - AA Speaker - "My Case Is Different": Clancy I. - AA Speaker - "My Case Is Different" - YouTube

This guy paints it up better than I could.

He's about 50 years sober, if I recall that correctly.

Decades of wisdom and experience on what makes alcoholic folk... Tick, so to speak

CAPTAINZING2000

Page 21 and 22 from Alcoholics Anonymous big book.


How many time people have said to us: "I can take it or leave it alone. Why can't he?" "Why don't you drink like a gentleman or quit?" "That fellow can't handle his liquor." "Why don't you try beer and wine?" "Lay off the hard stuff." "His will power must be weak." "He could stop if he wanted to." "She's such a sweet girl, I should think he'd stop for her sake." "The doctor told him that if he ever drank again it would kill him, but there he is all lit up again."
Now these are commonplace observations on drinkers which we hear all the time. Back of them is a world of ignorance and misunderstanding. We see that these expressions refer to people whose reactions are very different from ours.
Moderate drinkers have little trouble in giving up liquor entirely if they have good reason for it. They can take it or leave it alone.
Then we have a certain type of hard drinker. He may have the habit badly enough to gradually impair
him physically and mentally. It may cause him to die a few years before his time. If a sufficiently strong reason - ill health, falling in love, change of environment, or the warning of a doctor-becomes operative, this man can also stop or moderate, although he may find it difficult and troublesome and may even need medical attention.
But what about the real alcoholic? He may start off as a moderate drinker; he may or may not become a continuous hard drinker; but at some stage of his drinking career he begins to lose all control of his liquor consumption, once he starts to drink.

torquemax777

Zjw: Wow! I'm very impressed that you turned your life around in so many healthy ways!!! Whether alcoholic or not, we should all aspire to live healthy as you have discovered. Thank you so much for your wisdom and insight. It would probably work in our favor, if instead of just quitting something bad for us, we would just commit our lives to being healthy on every way. I can see "us" being that. And I can most definitely see the potential in him that he's throwing away. I'm a little perplexed though as he's been court ordered in the past to every type of therapy, and it's convinced that if those things worked, they would have by now. He believes that he just need to get back on track with his relationship with God and follow the precepts laid out in the Bible and "choose" not to drink. I'm all on board with that, except that in the past that has led to a lot of depression, guilt, remorse, and feeling like he's a hopeless loser. Even the Pastor one time told him that in cases like his, it's sometimes imperative to combine the spiritual with medical science in order to achieve serenity. Anyway, I congratulate you on your sucessful recovery as well as achieving over all healthiness! Way to go!

zjw

I wanna pick apart your last post because you said a lot so bear with me
In my case I figured that I had to clean up my act clean up my inner house so that i could be better for the rest of us in this house. I guess in my case I was the alcoholic. But he has his battles and you have yours. If each works on themselves a bi-product of that is a better and improved "us". Its sort of a seperate game. each should work on each(s) issues.. Not tearing each other down. etc.. Each would be the inner house in this case us the outer house. It will take an incredible effort On his part in particular just to get his own self cleaned up. He may not be able to focus on the "us" you may not be able to either I do not know. But lucky for the both of you is as you work on yourself(s) the bi-product "us" will improve greatly. You can even come together lay down your arms no guilt trips etc.. just understanding or understanding that you dont understand even. Simple unwaivering support from both sides. Take it in baby steps dont bite off more then you can chew.

YEP!! Of course you do or you wouldnt be here. or you would not tolerate his behaivior. Love is a funny thing but its also a pretty awesome thing. If you stay together or not love is what it takes to resolve stuff like this in the end.

Therapy will not fix him. A program will not fix him. A book will not fix him. This board etc.. nothing can fix him. But he can fix him. See at the end of the day no one no program no nothing can get sober for him. No one can hand him the magic bullet the magic solution. Geeze I wish there was one but there isnt one. So as long as we seek some magical solution "therapy" "program" "snake oil" we'll never ever find our way out of the mess. But when we look deep inside ourselves and start asking the right questions inside of ourselves we can find the solutions. Places like this board or therapists can help sure but at the end of the day it has to come from within and really only within. Man i wish someone else coulda gotten sober for me its a very lonely place to be. I feel very alone knowing no one can keep me sober but me. I wish someone or something could do it for me but it cant. Thats just how it is. I have to do it.

I think he has the right idea. but here is the kicker. Everyone falls down. Everyone makes mistakes you have to just get back up and keep trying. The time for depression and guilt and remorse is over thats in the past you have to leave it there. Relapse? so friggen what just dust yourself off get back on the wagon DO NOT beat yourself up over it. The guilt the depression the remorse will send him running back to the bottle ::shaken head:: cant do that game. Even if you are guilty. sometimes you have to say I dont care I'm going to apologize and move on or i'm going to put it behind me but I WILL not beat myself up over it. I will not hold on to this bag filled with guilt remorse depression. I carried around bags of **** as I'd like to call them for far too many years. Inside each bag was guilt, remorse, anger, depression I felt that they where my bags to carry and no one else could. When i sobered up I got rid of some bags. Other bags didnt belong to me. The more i released myself from all that garbage the more being sober got easier. Its why its one day at a time. Right now int his moment dont hold on to yesturdays nonsense and dont worry about what may or may not even happen tommorrow.

I'm not sure medical intervention maybe needed I have no idea really. But there is a level of spiritual intervention that needs to happen. When one lets go of stuff thats haunting them and causing them to drink etc.. where do they let of of it to? For example I had a lot of debt when i sobered up. Boy did i wanna drink over it. I threw my hands in the air let it go gave it to my higher power and walked away from it. I felt So relieved the weight of the world was off my shoulders. and you know in a few months the solutions came for my debt and in those few months that i waited I did not care i was no longer huanted by it anymore.

Its a bit of cutting your losses and trying to give youselve(s) as clean of a slate as possible. The last thing either one of you needs its more nonsense dragging you down and keeping you from being the good "us" you so desire.

but its a one day at a time process. each day wake up make the right choices go to bed. its like ground hog day really. and you dont take yest with you into the next day etc..