xoffender

Hi,

If we ignore, for the moment, why I would continue to drink at all if it makes me miserable I have a question.

Recently there's been a few occasions that I've not been able to go to because of other commitments. If I'd gone to these 'occasions' it highly likely I would have gotten drunk, felt bad about it, resolved never to drink again etc etc.

However, I didn't really miss the occasions themselves and now I'm about 3 weeks clear of any booze I feel pretty good.

Does anyone have an option on whether it's 'healthy' to avoid situations where you would normally drink ? Should a sober be able to go anywhere and not be tempted.

I was figuring, well I can't avoid situations where alcohol will be the main focus forever, but I could probably have a pretty good go.

Thanks in advance for any thoughts on this.

SoberLeigh

Personally, I wouldn't recommend attending those drinking occasions until I was much further along in sobriety - until you have had a chance to build your sober muscles, as Dee would say.

Lusher

Hey xoffender-
Healthy, no I don't think it is healthy to go. However, I really don't have a big problem with abstaining from alcohol if I go to a place where there's drinking. I've even returned to my old haunt once for dinner. (Ain't the same when you're sober)

The problem that I do have is the insatiable feeling that I'm missing out on the 'fun.' I have come to learn that much of my old life style is really not all that fun without booze. So I do tend to avoid going, mostly for that reason.

There is a huge temptation, however I've already 'paid my dues' when I first stopped 15 months ago, and I'm not willing to put myself in a position to risk starting it all over again.

When in doubt.....

Gottalife

IME and in AA speak, a recovered alcoholic can go anywhere, even boozy parties, provided he has a good reason for being there, and he is in fit spiritual condition. An alcoholic who cannot meet these conditions still has an alcoholic mind. Hiding from booze has never been a reliable long term solution.

Dee74

I avoided a boatload of responsibilities as a drinker...it strikes me as amusing now that I too would wonder whether it was healthy to miss a party.

I say it's not only healthy but probably necessary.

One day you'll be able to go anywhere, with anyone, and do anything...but have some respect for your recovery in this initial phase.

Take time out to build up some 'sober muscles'. It's like weight training but with the mind...grow change...Spend a little time on you.

Make sure recovery is absolutely irrevocably what you want - when you prefer being in recovery then nothing will phase you.

D

LadyinBC

I am over two years sober and I still don't go to parties where it is a big drink fest or bars. And I most likely never will. For me there is just really no point in going and my sobriety will always come first.

Lovenjoy

in my early recovery i avoided many situations where i knew i would want to drink. i agree that developing 'sober muscles' first is important. actually i think it is more about recovery than sobriety. changing our thinking..... putting down the drink is the first step. a recovering alcoholic who lives recovery is able to go anywhere and be around anyone without temptation.

it took awhile for me to get there. early sobriety/recovery is precious. if it helps to avoid, then imo avoid until there is no need. it's a powerful disease and i wallowed in it for a loooong time. it takes some time to walk back out of the woods...

congrats on 3 weeks!

Soberwolf

This

pulltight

I've not been very careful in where I go or what I do in my new sobriety.

Like Dee said, I look at it as flexing my sobriety muscle but it was really wearing on me last week and I was seriously thinking about drinking.

I'm taking a break from that practice for a long while.

desypete

i went to a wedding the other week had a great dinner and stayed around for a bit of the night time do
about 9 pm i went home i had more than enough and had a good time
didnt want or need a drink and it was never on my mind as i enjoyed peoples company something i had never done when i was a drinker we had a good laugh and the best bit is i didnt nothing wrong or upset anyone or offend anyone
i woke up the next day with a clear head etc

of course i take that sort of thing for granted these days as its no big deal until i read or hear about someone who might be worried or scared about there first ever party or occasion there going to

if you must go then go but please dont think you have to stay there longer than you need to
go for an hour and if you feel uncomfortable then just say to them you have to go now
you can leave and go at anytime you want
i left the wedding disco at 9 pm for many people it was just starting as there drinking was starting to kick in but for me thats time enough for me to leave them all to it

so remember you dont have to stay anywhere you feel uncomfortable in and you can go at anytime you wish

Ptcapote

I think you got some damn good advice here, xoffender and I don't have any brilliance to add. For me, I stayed well away from events where I knew there was going to be alcohol for at least the first six months of my sobriety. After that, I went if required (job) but still largely stayed away, especially if I knew it was going to be an event dedicated mostly to drinking.

Now I am OK being around alcohol and it doesn't bother me. However, what I have found is that I avoid a lot of parties simply because being around drunk people is no longer much fun at all for me. Not because I want to drink, but because it actually is kind of boring and/or annoying. Drunk people are really only fun and entertaining to other drunk people, I've discovered...and even then not so much, maybe...

I agree with what LadyinBC said 100% though. I guard my sobriety like the lifesaving gift that it is. I am under no illusions that it could be gone tomorrow with one slip on my part and, with it, the life I have managed to build for myself over the past 21 months. This has been the first stretch in a very long time, maybe ever, that I have been genuinely happy and at peace without the aid of any chemical. It took a long time to get here and although life is far from perfect, it is way better sober than it ever was drinking. And that is precious to me. More precious than any silly risk I would take like putting myself in a situation where I would be tempted to drink.

The temptation may go away for you too after awhile and many people I know are fine in these situations but nothing is worth my sobriety at this phase. NOTHING.

Ptcapote

I think you got some damn good advice here, xoffender and I don't have any brilliance to add. For me, I stayed well away from events where I knew there was going to be alcohol for at least the first six months of my sobriety. After that, I went if required (job) but still largely stayed away, especially if I knew it was going to be an event dedicated mostly to drinking.

Now I am OK being around alcohol and it doesn't bother me. However, what I have found is that I avoid a lot of parties simply because being around drunk people is no longer much fun at all for me. Not because I want to drink, but because it actually is kind of boring and/or annoying. Drunk people are really only fun and entertaining to other drunk people, I've discovered...and even then not so much, maybe...

I agree with what LadyinBC said 100% though. I guard my sobriety like the lifesaving gift that it is. I am under no illusions that it could be gone tomorrow with one slip on my part and, with it, the life I have managed to build for myself over the past 21 months. This has been the first stretch in a very long time, maybe ever, that I have been genuinely happy and at peace without the aid of any chemical. It took a long time to get here and although life is far from perfect, it is way better sober than it ever was drinking. And that is precious to me. More precious than any silly risk I would take like putting myself in a situation where I would be tempted to drink.

The temptation may go away for you too after awhile and many people I know are fine in these situations but nothing is worth my sobriety. NOTHING.

MesaMan

I still skip small Dinner Parties IF I'll be the only one there not Drinking. They're 'OK', but it's just not worth the energy expended. Anymore, it's like hanging around, say, Folks who want to get together and talk about their Special Breed Cats, or Knitting. Just not my Gig. So, why would I put myself in that position to be bored? I leave Cat People to talk their Cats, and I leave Drinkers to their Drinking.

I do Bars for Meals. No problem at all. The first of big Holiday Parties is coming up, and I'm kewl with that. Larger Groups = some Sober [and older] Folks to hang with part of the time. As you'll discover, much of the World is Sober.

I rehearse my Lines to turn down Drinks, and I always have Escape Plans. Just mentally preparing a bit makes it all enjoyable again. I hate getting trapped, so I don't. For me, hanging around Drinkers as an option at any gathering makes a huge Psychological difference. Then, I can take it or leave it...

One thoughtful Pundit on here mentioned it taking him ~3 years before he truly felt like a non-Drinker, right down to his Bones. That makes some sense. I'll shoot for that Timeline, and see how it goes. No hurry.

Soberintexas007

I am only 10 days sober but will be going my sister in law's bday party this saturday, which will be a drink fest. I am only going to support my husband, as he enjoys family functions. Am I taking a risk with my sobriety? Yes. But I believe that alcohol is going to be everywhere, and I feel confident that I can get through it. Maybe the fact that I have had sobriety before has influenced this decision...

GracieLou

It is healthy for YOU. Grab just a little bit of selfishness here. If not attending it the best thing for you, then by all means, do the best thing for you!

It depends on where you are in your recovery AND how the people at the gathering are drinking.

For me, I could sit at dinner with someone that was having a social drink. They have a cocktail or wine with dinner. I feel I would be okay with this.

I cannot sit at a BBQ/Bonfire were most of the people there are drinking alcoholically. Were the main purpose of the gathering is to get drunk.

I can go a restaurant with a bar. I sit in a booth and eat dinner. I can't go to a bar and sit and drink a Coke.

I would not put myself in situations were there is ANY temptation. I don't want to dodge bullets so I stay away from the gun slingers.

NoJimmy

It's very healthy to avoid such situations in early recovery. There is still a strong pull to drink, and to return to that familiar lifestyle.

I feel one of the most important things I've learned in recovery was to redefine my social life. I now have no concerns about my ability to be around alcohol, but I have no interest or business partaking in events where booze is the central focus. Not to mention that I don't find drunks to be very fun or entertaining these days.

Johno1967

I've been sober over two years and I still avoid them. It's not that I'm concerned I'll drink it's more that I used to go to these things because I could get booze, now I'm happier to pass and not go at all. I drank in the beginning to be more sociable but the real me is basically a reserved home body. Don't need booze to have a good time.

CScott

I don't think avoidance is "bad" or "unhealthy," in itself. Just matters if it works for you. I would recommend avoiding social events where alcohol is the main event, like a bar. Maybe, as you get more comfortable in sobriety, start attending events where alcohol might be present but not central, like a sporting event. It matters on comfort, some people are better off avoiding altogether.

Eventually, from my experience, the places I avoid where alcohol is central are becoming increasingly less appealing to go to. Fact is, unless I was with a group of good and supportive friends, staying up all night to watch people act silly and make bad decisions doesn't really strike me as someplace I want to be.

xoffender

Thank you all so much for taking the time to reply to my question, there's some fantastic advice here.

I take the point that if you're truly sober you should be able go anywhere and not feel the urge to drink - this is something I need to work on.

Something Johno1967 really hit home too, in that I think I'm pretty much the same, I prefer to spend my time at home and am a pretty reserved guy. I need a fair amount of time in my own company too.

It's not really a struggle for me to skip these drinking events tbh, so for the mean time that is what I'll do.

Thank you all again - I truly appreciate it.

doggonecarl

That you refer to them as "drinking events" says all you need to know about them and underscores the wisdom you show in avoiding them.

Good luck.