Unexpected challenge
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 10,912
Unexpected challenge
Hello, Friends.
This won't be a very happy post, unfortunately. As many of you that have listened to my stories for a while probably know, I have a special love for my father. "Special" in a sense that we have been each-other's best friends since my early childhood. Our relationship was was patchy when I was kid, but since my early 20's, we've really been the best friends one can have, I think. And during this time, I have lived geographically far from him; the farthest has been the last ~8 years of my living in the US, relative to our European base. For me, this ~8 years period has been both the most amazing and terrifying time of my life so far, including experiencing alcoholism and recovery from it now. And the most fascinating, consuming, life-changing personal relationships and career path segment. And my life had never been boring or "empty" even before, for sure. Sometimes, when I reflect on this period of my life, I am in awe with how I survived it at all. But I guess most of us have this "awe" about our existence, one way or another.
So the "challenge" right now, as I said, is about my dad. He's 83 years old. Originally I booked a trip to visit him for Christmas this year, but our recent exchanges suggest to me that it would have to be earlier. He's not terminally ill or anything right now, but is undergoing some very intense fear and existential crisis. At 83, it is both expected and weird.
My dilemma is that my schedule is packed with events for the upcoming month; some of these events have quite deep meaning and significance for me personally, why I set them. But now I feel that perhaps I should change my plans and go be with my dad in person. I am torn and can't decide what's best, or how to evaluate what's best. Life is, as usually, quite unpredictable!
This won't be a very happy post, unfortunately. As many of you that have listened to my stories for a while probably know, I have a special love for my father. "Special" in a sense that we have been each-other's best friends since my early childhood. Our relationship was was patchy when I was kid, but since my early 20's, we've really been the best friends one can have, I think. And during this time, I have lived geographically far from him; the farthest has been the last ~8 years of my living in the US, relative to our European base. For me, this ~8 years period has been both the most amazing and terrifying time of my life so far, including experiencing alcoholism and recovery from it now. And the most fascinating, consuming, life-changing personal relationships and career path segment. And my life had never been boring or "empty" even before, for sure. Sometimes, when I reflect on this period of my life, I am in awe with how I survived it at all. But I guess most of us have this "awe" about our existence, one way or another.
So the "challenge" right now, as I said, is about my dad. He's 83 years old. Originally I booked a trip to visit him for Christmas this year, but our recent exchanges suggest to me that it would have to be earlier. He's not terminally ill or anything right now, but is undergoing some very intense fear and existential crisis. At 83, it is both expected and weird.
My dilemma is that my schedule is packed with events for the upcoming month; some of these events have quite deep meaning and significance for me personally, why I set them. But now I feel that perhaps I should change my plans and go be with my dad in person. I am torn and can't decide what's best, or how to evaluate what's best. Life is, as usually, quite unpredictable!
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 10,912
Dee - yes I can move things around but it would cause a lot of disruption. I don't care so much about my "meaning", but as usually, I've pulled a bunch of other people into these plans and events. Team work. And some of these people are very enthusiastic about these shortly upcoming events, and rely on me to make it happen. I feel that if I decide to go and deal with my personal life and not be around physically, I will break their heart and I will also deceive others that trusted me and expect me to fully realize what I had dreamed up. This pattern has been so abundant in my life... Of course I know I should not always prioritize based on expectations. I am sure you are very familiar with the dilemma, Dee.
Trach - "What will you regret missing the most" - this is exactly what I am unsure about, why I am posting about it. There is my dad's emotional crisis vs. all these events and people here and right now that want me be here and participate. I certainly do not suffer from not having enough meaningful endeavors in my life, I've never had that that problem. How to choose from the abundance of all these meaningful things, however, is what challenges me every now and then. Like now
Trach - "What will you regret missing the most" - this is exactly what I am unsure about, why I am posting about it. There is my dad's emotional crisis vs. all these events and people here and right now that want me be here and participate. I certainly do not suffer from not having enough meaningful endeavors in my life, I've never had that that problem. How to choose from the abundance of all these meaningful things, however, is what challenges me every now and then. Like now
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,444
I'm very familiar with it...not so much now because my priorities and lifestyle have changed, but I try and strike a balance between being a team player and yet not letting that rule my life.
I no longer 'work' as such but I'm a team member here; I'm a team member with various musical outlets; and I've been a team member in some volunteering stuff.
Sometimes I need to be here/there, and I accept that.
Other times there's more flexibility.
These days I'm upfront about why I need time off and for how long.
If I do take time off I know I'l be covered and I know I'll cover others if they need to excuse themselves in future
D
I no longer 'work' as such but I'm a team member here; I'm a team member with various musical outlets; and I've been a team member in some volunteering stuff.
Sometimes I need to be here/there, and I accept that.
Other times there's more flexibility.
These days I'm upfront about why I need time off and for how long.
If I do take time off I know I'l be covered and I know I'll cover others if they need to excuse themselves in future
D
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 611
You only get one dad....if you're friends are annoyed they'll get over it, if you and your dad are close and he needs you I would go be with him. Not telling you what to do just thinking if this particular shoe was on my foot.
pray for strength
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: New England
Posts: 2,414
Go see your Dad, hug him tight and do not let go for as long as you possibly can. Keep that in your mind's eye for each moment when it will not be an option. Anyone who has ever had the good fortune to be in the presence and hold someone they adore will understand your drive to be with your Dad for a moment - and each will be here when you get back. It sounds like you repair professional relationships quite well if there are disappointments and hurt feelings in your absence. There will be no regret.
Member
Join Date: May 2013
Location: North East, US
Posts: 2,310
Make it happen, get to him. I honestly believe sometimes we have to live with hind site knowledge. Your life will be there when you get back, and as hard as it is to say, truth is his might not.
I'd give anything to have one last day with my dad.
I'd give anything to have one last day with my dad.
EndGame
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 4,677
I don't know what you should do.
I do know that if I were at the beach, and there were two people drowning, one of them my father and the other the world's foremost researcher in Ebola, AIDS, heart disease, diabetes, or whatever, and I could only save one, I'd save my father.
The other person is replaceable, but I only get one father.
You've arranged your projects based on teamwork. Though your participation and presence will be missed, your unfortunate turn of events will provide an opportunity for the others involved to step up and fill the void during what sounds like a very emotional time for you. Now that's teamwork.
I do know that if I were at the beach, and there were two people drowning, one of them my father and the other the world's foremost researcher in Ebola, AIDS, heart disease, diabetes, or whatever, and I could only save one, I'd save my father.
The other person is replaceable, but I only get one father.
You've arranged your projects based on teamwork. Though your participation and presence will be missed, your unfortunate turn of events will provide an opportunity for the others involved to step up and fill the void during what sounds like a very emotional time for you. Now that's teamwork.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 4,860
Oh, Haennie, I am so sorry that things are taking a turn in this direction.
I've shared with you once before as you weighed the difficult choices that arise in a trans-Atlantic family. My heart goes out to you.
Go home. See your dad.
It's been nearly five months now for me since *the* phone call. My brother. Calling to tell me Dad died unexpectedly in his sleep. Gone in an instant. I'm alway so grateful to have had the close, loving relationship with my Dad, much like yours.
I understand why others tell you they cannot make a decision for you, that it is ultimately yours to make. Me? I'd give anything for one more hug. One more chance to say "I love you." Just one more shared laugh. Cup of coffee. Anything.
Go home, Haennie. See your dad.
I've shared with you once before as you weighed the difficult choices that arise in a trans-Atlantic family. My heart goes out to you.
Go home. See your dad.
It's been nearly five months now for me since *the* phone call. My brother. Calling to tell me Dad died unexpectedly in his sleep. Gone in an instant. I'm alway so grateful to have had the close, loving relationship with my Dad, much like yours.
I understand why others tell you they cannot make a decision for you, that it is ultimately yours to make. Me? I'd give anything for one more hug. One more chance to say "I love you." Just one more shared laugh. Cup of coffee. Anything.
Go home, Haennie. See your dad.
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 10,912
Thank you so much, everyone!
I've made my decision about this considering my feelings, feedback on SR, and I also called my wonderful therapist who, at this point, knows my fears and how I tend to handle my fears in constructive and disruptive ways.
So the decision is that I am going. To my dad, and to my country, even though I am not familiar with the environment anymore, at all. I also arranged a professional visit and will give a talk about our research in the US, to the yet unknown colleagues in my country. In fact, my father suggested this (to "hook up" with people in our country, both regarding research and politics).
Anyhow, I have booked a flight for tomorrow to "home" and am packing as I type.
I've made my decision about this considering my feelings, feedback on SR, and I also called my wonderful therapist who, at this point, knows my fears and how I tend to handle my fears in constructive and disruptive ways.
So the decision is that I am going. To my dad, and to my country, even though I am not familiar with the environment anymore, at all. I also arranged a professional visit and will give a talk about our research in the US, to the yet unknown colleagues in my country. In fact, my father suggested this (to "hook up" with people in our country, both regarding research and politics).
Anyhow, I have booked a flight for tomorrow to "home" and am packing as I type.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: canada
Posts: 7,242
haennie,
what can help me in spots like the one you're in is to imagine myself close to dying. looking back. it's flawed and limited, of course, since i can't accurately imagine, but i do often get a real strong internal clarity that way on what the more important, the more 'right' thing to do is.
in twenty years from now, when i look back, what will i regret, or wish i had done at this spot now?
edit: oops, just saw your new post.
glad you're going
what can help me in spots like the one you're in is to imagine myself close to dying. looking back. it's flawed and limited, of course, since i can't accurately imagine, but i do often get a real strong internal clarity that way on what the more important, the more 'right' thing to do is.
in twenty years from now, when i look back, what will i regret, or wish i had done at this spot now?
edit: oops, just saw your new post.
glad you're going
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: North salt lake
Posts: 3,325
My Mom is soon to be 83. My Dad is also in his 80s. They all live in Alaska, along with my sister. I call them every day. Every night I thank God for one more day with these people. I know it won't last forever. I'm grateful for every single second. Have a good trip.
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 10,912
I've just talked with my dad on the phone. He told me, this time, that in the past ~2 months he had experienced these episodes... He would totally lose control of all body functions, faint, but remain completely conscious during the episode. I am so glad that he would usually call the doctor/ambulance whenever this happens. Apparently they took him to the hospital and examined, including a neurologist exam.
He asks me what this is, as something doctors don't seem to be able to pin down or tell him... he asks me if I knew as a neuroscientist. But usually in the next minute of our conversation, he diverts the theme. No need to psychoanalyze this particular thing for me, I think I understand better than I would want, and my father knows that I understand.
I feel that I the ~12 hours left for us to meet is an eternity!
He asks me what this is, as something doctors don't seem to be able to pin down or tell him... he asks me if I knew as a neuroscientist. But usually in the next minute of our conversation, he diverts the theme. No need to psychoanalyze this particular thing for me, I think I understand better than I would want, and my father knows that I understand.
I feel that I the ~12 hours left for us to meet is an eternity!
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