Unexpected challenge
Self recovered Self discovered
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Toronto Canada
Posts: 5,148
I believe you made the decision you cannot possibly regret. The older I get, the more conscious I become of not living with any more regrets than I have already accumulated. In a way, this is like making a term deposit in the bank - your investment in your future serenity will be paid back with interest. Guaranteed. And another thing, your Pa would like to have you there.
Bon Voyage.
Bon Voyage.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 10,912
Hey everyone, just an update. Again, thanks so much for "pushing me" in the right direction with how to handle all this. I do not typically struggle much with making decisions where more rational processing is required, but this particular area... every component of it is very emotional for me, and I can always use a little external help with such things. There is this tendency that sometimes when something has very intense emotional implication for me, it really tends to overwhelm and block my judgment. Anyhow...
So I arrived "home" and met my dad finally this morning!! (After a lot of trouble with the flights, so I got here ~a day later than originally planned, but that's OK). I was so excited and also nervous in the moment I rang the bell on the house... but when he came out to let me in, the encounter was just as wonderful as always. I have not seen him since early this year and I think he did visibly age and looks so frail...
We had a very nice lunch together and I'll just be hanging out at the house for the next few days. The place also has a large yard with a beautiful garden that he planted, which I never had since my childhood here. I think we can go to some short walks maybe. And just talk. Lots. He seems to be in pretty good spirits right now, I'm very happy too see that.
The "messy" stuff around it is that, as I expected, my colleagues from NY are just bombarding me with work, questions, ideas, lots of unexpected things in addition to what I knew would come. But that's OK as well. Luckily we have good internet connection so far here and I've got all my gadgets, so I can work as well.
My dad was showing me around in his garden this afternoon (he's a botanist and has a gigantic collection of pretty plants and also rare species). He really walks like an old man now, this is something I don't remember from last time...
OK I'll stop here for now. Again, thanks a lot for listening to all this
P.S.: He actually got two bottles of wine waiting for me here... Of course he does not know that I don't drink anymore, before I always welcomed all wine and spirits he used to get when I visited. He wanted me to open the wine at lunch, and I was quite confused what to do, but just said straight "dad... thanks so much for the wine... I don't drink alcohol now but if you would like to have some, no problem". He said no, not now. So wine went into the cabinet for now. I am definitely not going to even consider it and am glad I don't feel like it at all.
So I arrived "home" and met my dad finally this morning!! (After a lot of trouble with the flights, so I got here ~a day later than originally planned, but that's OK). I was so excited and also nervous in the moment I rang the bell on the house... but when he came out to let me in, the encounter was just as wonderful as always. I have not seen him since early this year and I think he did visibly age and looks so frail...
We had a very nice lunch together and I'll just be hanging out at the house for the next few days. The place also has a large yard with a beautiful garden that he planted, which I never had since my childhood here. I think we can go to some short walks maybe. And just talk. Lots. He seems to be in pretty good spirits right now, I'm very happy too see that.
The "messy" stuff around it is that, as I expected, my colleagues from NY are just bombarding me with work, questions, ideas, lots of unexpected things in addition to what I knew would come. But that's OK as well. Luckily we have good internet connection so far here and I've got all my gadgets, so I can work as well.
My dad was showing me around in his garden this afternoon (he's a botanist and has a gigantic collection of pretty plants and also rare species). He really walks like an old man now, this is something I don't remember from last time...
OK I'll stop here for now. Again, thanks a lot for listening to all this
P.S.: He actually got two bottles of wine waiting for me here... Of course he does not know that I don't drink anymore, before I always welcomed all wine and spirits he used to get when I visited. He wanted me to open the wine at lunch, and I was quite confused what to do, but just said straight "dad... thanks so much for the wine... I don't drink alcohol now but if you would like to have some, no problem". He said no, not now. So wine went into the cabinet for now. I am definitely not going to even consider it and am glad I don't feel like it at all.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 10,912
Here are some pics of my dad, his garden (the place where I grew up), his friends and colleagues - pretty much how, I think, he and his life will always live in my mind These are all pics from the last ~5 years that I have... And very representative about the environment I grew up also: with him, his self-created environment, his friends, his plant science, his successes... On the right side of all pics.
I hope you gals and guys don't find this boastful. I am really just so genuinely proud of him.
These are all pics from the last ~5 years that I have... And very representative about the environment I grew up also: with him, his self-created environment, his friends, his plant science, his successes... On the right side of all pics.I hope you gals and guys don't find this boastful. I am really just so genuinely proud of him.
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Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: East Coast USA
Posts: 120,874
He looks like a wonderful guy, Haennie. I really enjoyed your pictures.
He does appear to have declined from previous photos but he looks likes he still has some kick left.!!!
Enjoy your time together.
He does appear to have declined from previous photos but he looks likes he still has some kick left.!!!
Enjoy your time together.
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Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Sydney Australia
Posts: 4,225
Haennie....well, I started reading this thread, and my thoughts were screaming, "why can't this woman see in her heart she knows she needs to see her Father?!"...it's been playing on your mind (I read your other thread a few months back on the same kind of topic).
Turn the gadgets off, if you can.
You won't get this time with him back.
P.s. What a blessing to have such a talented and intelligent Father...a gift he clearly passed on to you.xx
thank you for sharing the pics....you must have grown up with amazing gardens!
Turn the gadgets off, if you can.
You won't get this time with him back.
P.s. What a blessing to have such a talented and intelligent Father...a gift he clearly passed on to you.xx
thank you for sharing the pics....you must have grown up with amazing gardens!
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Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: Poconos PA
Posts: 1,544
Thank you so much for the update and pictures! It looks like it has been a trip well worth taking. So glad you made the decision to go and even had a small test with alcohol and your resolve was not broken. Bravo
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 10,912
Some moments of this are so hard, guys. My Dad has been experiencing these episodes recently, when he suddenly falls and loses all his strength but remains 100% conscious and with normal thinking/awareness, and then recovers after 30-40 mins. He called his doctor when this happened last, and they came out to examine him, but he refuses to go to the hospital now. He was in the hospital ~a year ago and they did a very thorough examination, including neurological exams, brain CT, and all. Found nothing. But back then, he did not have these "falling" episodes. The spot on his head on the last pic I posted is from a recent fall, and there is a much worse one on the back of his head.
He is asking me, what is this? What causes these recent falls? He would like me to identify the cause but refuses to go to the hospital and have doctors do it. He says he does not want to spend his last days in a hospital, and die there. But is not afraid of death at all. I sit here and listen to all his stories and conclusions about how much he's loved life and has made the most of it, that's what he says, that he's made the most of it...
We hugged and cried for about an hour earlier today, it was like nothing I'd experienced before, like the delirium of one man drifting off in space with another who stays for now, the kind of harmony and unity experience I'd only experienced in the deepest romantic encounter before... sorry about the analogy but I do think it's similar. I know my therapist would also say it's similar.
Right now, we are just sitting here in his garden, talking about life, and death....
He is asking me, what is this? What causes these recent falls? He would like me to identify the cause but refuses to go to the hospital and have doctors do it. He says he does not want to spend his last days in a hospital, and die there. But is not afraid of death at all. I sit here and listen to all his stories and conclusions about how much he's loved life and has made the most of it, that's what he says, that he's made the most of it...
We hugged and cried for about an hour earlier today, it was like nothing I'd experienced before, like the delirium of one man drifting off in space with another who stays for now, the kind of harmony and unity experience I'd only experienced in the deepest romantic encounter before... sorry about the analogy but I do think it's similar. I know my therapist would also say it's similar.
Right now, we are just sitting here in his garden, talking about life, and death....
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 10,912
Please help
Friends, this is painful and crazy, in so many ways, I think I'm handling it well practically. The ambulance came, they examined him, he refused to go to hospital. Asleep now.
But right now I doubt my sanity and my sobriety... it's the middle of the night, I am jet lagged, and those wine bottles are in the cabinet... I know.
I will never drink, and I will never change my mind!
But right now I doubt my sanity and my sobriety... it's the middle of the night, I am jet lagged, and those wine bottles are in the cabinet... I know.
I will never drink, and I will never change my mind!
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: canada
Posts: 7,242
haennie,
dump them out. do it now. no point struggling with THAT when you can just get rid of them.
you can explain to your dad later, if need be.
then breathe. and again.
it's the middle of the night. you're jet-lagged. you're in turmoil, but you're there. really there, really present.
helping your dad and yourself.
one step at a time.
dump the booze and breathe.
let the rest go for now.
you're doing alright, doubts and all.
just sit.
nothing you need to do right now.
dump them out. do it now. no point struggling with THAT when you can just get rid of them.
you can explain to your dad later, if need be.
then breathe. and again.
it's the middle of the night. you're jet-lagged. you're in turmoil, but you're there. really there, really present.
helping your dad and yourself.
one step at a time.
dump the booze and breathe.
let the rest go for now.
you're doing alright, doubts and all.
just sit.
nothing you need to do right now.
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