zjw

I might ruffle some feathers here and its not my intention. But over they years when i've gotten advice from people who say "dont sweat the small stuff" that sorta thing or want to help me cope with a problem or situation and talk to me about how its not so bad its not so hard etc.. I sometimes get angry because some of these folks are on meds for depression or consume drugs etc.. and I think its easy for him to say he takes prozac or wtvr the case may be. I'll even think he's got an unfair advantage of sorts because he gets to end his day with a xanax. I know this isnt the case for everyone. theres plenty of folks who are not happy on these meds etc.. and there lives are not that peachy. Theres many of these same folks offering advice who could probably take some of there own advice (i'm guilty i give advice when my lifes a mess sometimes but doing so helps me also)

I have friends who can minimalize lifes issues for me when they have the same issues as me they just end there day with a case of beer or something and shut it all off.

I guess I just wanted to throw this up there and get some dialog going about it. Sometimes it can urk me when someone is talking to me in a condescending tone marginalizing my problems when there life isnt so rosey either they just happen to be on some substance. As if this gives them an unfair advantage of sorts even tho I know it can be just as debilitating or more so. Maybe I just get envious I cook up in my head that they get relief and i dont or something.

I dont really want to make this thread about me per say but I"m curious other peoples input as I'm sure there are others out there who think "oh yeah easy for him to say he goes home and gets high!"

It can also be confusing for someone like myself. who thinks gosh this guys really got it together he handles stuff so well only to later find out he's on some med etc... and then i'm left wondering maybe thats the trick?

jdooner

The OP is about comparisons, which I think when dealing with mental health is quite dangerous.

Certain drugs will have different effects on some poeple vs other people both prescribed, over the counter, and scheduled illicit. This renders the comparison ineffective and moot in my experience.

In terms of jealousy or envy of the well being of others, I think this is common in active addicts. As one gets better, I think they are able to see that they can feel good about the success of others and its not zero sum that their success or emotions are based on the failure of others.

biminiblue

I've found that when I stopped complaining to others about my life situation, they stopped giving "advice".

I think it's human nature to try to either squash the weak or lift him up. If you watch a litter of puppies, or a school yard, you'll see the same behavior. I agree with JD here. As we become more healthy, we are much more forgiving.

ScottFromWI

I'd also agree that it's really not in anyone's best interest to compare their sobriety to others. We each can only control what we do and say. And yes, certainly you will find condescending people in life, and those that judge, but that's just life - it's got nothing to do with our sobriety.

zjw

I think my problem was for the longest time I sat around thinking what is wrong with me someone would speak to me in a condscending fashion about a problem of mine and i'd beat myself up like crazy about it. I've come to realize that some people are just like that and it has nothing to do with me. Some times people just come accross all wrong or simply dont mesh well or are not really giving the advice that hits home.

In the past it would urk me to find out someone was on some med or drug and I'd think well see now everyone has there vice there crutch everyone needs there fix. I've since realized that well maybe some folks do but I dont. Maybe it gives them an unfair advantage maybe it doesnt what the heck do i know.

I like the reply thusfar I just wanna gain better perspective on this. I know there are other addicts out there that think like I once did. this stuff doesnt really bother me much anymore if anything I feel a sense of sympathy and compation that theres still those out there that cant seem to get past some form of substance. that theres still those out there that will be condscending rather then compasionate etc..

jdooner

[QUOTE=zjw;4886605]Maybe it gives them an unfair advantage maybe it doesnt what the heck do i know. QUOTE]

Unfair advantage at being happy? At living life? When I stopped lookin at life like a race and realized there is no finish line I have to cross before the guy next to me I found contentment, which I realize is happiness.

zjw

I learned when i sobered up and cleaned up my act when i was no longer some folks door mat they didnt care for me much. I learned there whole existance as far as I was concerned anyhow was to prop themselves up by focusing on my failures etc.. once they couldnt do that anymore they went elsewhere and backed off. Sadly there behaivior over the years had me baffled I used to hate on myself so much because of these kinds of folks and they would come accross as caring and helpful but in reality it was about them not me and it did nothing but confuse me and make me feel bad. I'll never get away from some of these folks (relatives) but luckily now i recognize things for what they are and just move on.

zjw

I drift on this aspect for some reason. I'm either not viewing it as a race and content with what is. Or life has a way of sucking me into that race and i claw my way back out to the content happy spot. Its a bit of a struggle still for me. I cant seem to sit in the content happy spot 24/7 I'm there a lot and many would think i'm irresponable with my lackadazical attitude towards things which is nothing more then wtvr it is what it is / acceptance.

jdooner

I think that is normal ZJW - its not a 24/7 thing for me either. But hte more I am in this moment the less turmoil I feel. So then the goal for me is to try in live in this space more and more and cut out things that cause me to be out of it. I believe its a process vs. instant.

ScottFromWI

It's really not possible for you to know, nor should it really be of significance for you. Are there addicts out there who swap additions from alcohol to prescription meds? Absolutely. Are there some who "med shop" so they can get scripts to keep their addictions live but try to pass it off as legitimate? - without question.

But keep in mind that there are also many, many people who take prescribed drugs exactly as their doctors would have them, and they help a lot of people.

zjw

Yeah i've had to read book after book after book to kinda pound that into my head. I'm almost done with the power of now and its about the same concept.

I think the disconnect for me was the years of brainwashing that i had to follow the book have a "plan" for my life set up those college funds for the kiddies have your 1.5 children and white picket fences set goals achieve them then set even higher goals never settle always strive for more more more focus on the future and address your past failures. No one ever told be to just be happy with right now. Just be happy with what is.

It begs the question with my OP tho shouldnt the ultimate goal be to be free of any kinda substance? To me if i decide to smoke pot vs drink beer or take prozac instead of drink booze or smoke cigarettes instead of dope to me it seems like i'm sitll not getting at the core of the issue i'm just trading substance for substance regardless of prescribed or not. Dont get me wrong I think there is a time and a place for perscription drugs and there a god send for many. I just think in the end we should hope to get to a place where we are free of that.

readerbaby71

Maybe you're talking to the wrong people. Just so you know, life on psych meds is far from perfect. I try really hard to just listen when someone tells me they're having a hard time. Patronizing or trying to "fix" things for someone else doesn't work.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1Evwgu369Jw

zjw

If i had to pin down a specific situation where it bothered me most would be when i'd get slapped by a condscending person over the years for being negative etc.. (which i was probably guilty of ) only to then find out they wash away there troubles with wtvr substance.

I mean I've had folks poke at me for my drinking and be condscending about it while they themselves where dope chimneys that sorta thing. I think gosh whats wrong with this guy! and believe me it would get to me big time!

It doesnt get to me much anymore. I avoid these situations and when i'm in them I realize they are what they are its not really my problem or concern.

jdooner

You should try De Mello's Awareness after Tolle.

Did you really believe this? You seem intelligent and while I don't doubt some of this might have been believable, I wonder if this is a bit of a cop out. I too used this excuse but knowledge is power. And with the power you have to do so otherwise would be impossible at this point. So don't dwell on the past, right?

Why spend any energy worrying about others? I would posit that doing so is easier because it takes the focus off ourself. I did this in early sobriety - I had to fix the World except for JD. I don't worry about others, I share my experience and how I relate, lke I am doing with htis thread. Anything more is none of my business.

It so happens that I agree with your perspective. I believe the substance has little to do with the addict. Getting to the core of addiction is difficult and when one understands the risks they transcend over substances and behaviors that one has to be careful of.

zjw

readerbaby71 I think your video explains it pretty well. You get faced with a lot of folks but not many wanna jump down in the hole with you and help you out. Heck even some that do we can take them the wrong way and chase them away.

One thing I struggle with and I'm trying to be better about it is putting myself in the other persons shoes trying to see it from there perspective trying to not just stand on my own soap box looking onward etc..

thats part of my reasoning for this thread is to gain some perspective.

I need someone who was condscending to chime in and say yeah I used to be that guy and heres why lol.

I find myself sometimes now thinking "WHY CANT HE JUST STAY SOBER" "WHY CANT HE JUST STAY ON THAT DIET" I wanna scream sometimes but then I have to check myself and say yeah well i was there and its far from easy when your in that guys shoes etc... Sometimes I wish I could jump inside of people and help give them what they need to get through but peoples minds can be such messes sometimes even my own is far from perfect.

jdooner

I used to think the way you are describing...that bum should just get a job. That fat person is so weak. I rationalized my own sickness on those around me. I did believe it was a zero sum game. Yeah, I once thought kids on Ritalin had an unfair advantage in school.

My htinking was askew and it took my own acceptance of me to realize how off my previous thinking was. This was the mind of an active addict/alcoholic though. I no longer think this way.

zjw

Oh i absolutly believed it. all through life I tried to follow the rules. dont get into debt then i would and i'd beat myself to up about how awful this was. or get that peachy home then i'd find what a struggle that mortgage can be etc.. Oh you not saving for your childs college how could you! etc.. Oh yeah i'd pull the club out and beat myself up over every little thing that wasnt going by the book.

zjw

yeah its interesting people can think "oh that dirtbag....." till they realize one day that they are umm that dirtbag too.

jdooner

Denial runs deep and honesty is diffiuclt, albiet achievable.

readerbaby71

Taking psych meds vs. drinking alcohol is not a valid comparison. I would love to be completely drug free, but it is not possible for me because I am bipolar. I had to accept that taking medication and managing my illness is something I will have to do for the rest of my life. Before you assume people's motivations for what they ingest, consider the fact that you don't know what is happening in their minds and that these meds may be life-saving for them.