Doug39

It's another Saturday night and again I drank too much today. I drank about 8 or 9 beers and about 3 or 4 shots of vodka and I am really not drunk...that fact scares me. I guess the fact that it is Saturday is irrelevant...I drink this much everyday.

I don't know if anyone here remembers me. I am a 50 year old married man that has been drinking everyday since 1989. I came to this website last year and managed to stay sober 4 months from July 2014 to November 2014.

It felt good to be sober but since my wife of 20 years and all my peers still drank daily I fell right back into this drunken lifestyle.

I will turn 51 next month and I am drinking heavily. I know my health will eventually breakdown; I have been trying to eat healthy and exercise but I know that alcohol must be cut out of my life if I don't want to be in an early grave.

I have to go see my doctor next month for a check on my high blood pressure issue and I dread it. It is only a matter of time till they find something wrong with me due to the damage I have done to myself.

Trying to quit at this point is a joke and I am only fooling myself. To be honest I don't want to quit drinking. I love it. After all these years the hangovers don't bother me because I know how to mentally deal with them. I was unhappy sober and I am unhappy as a drunk - I guess I have to just realized this is ME.

I really don't know why I am making this post - I guess I want to hear that it is ok to drink but I know this is the wrong place for that. I wish I could find the courage to quit drinking the way I did last July; but in reality I quit last year in fear after my doctor told me that my booze intake, being overweight, high blood pressure and anxiety would lead to a stroke if I didn't change my ways.

Thanks for listening.

Stoogy

Hi Doug, I don't remember you but i did not join SR until March this year, Reading your honest post i must say it does seem like you can quit if you choose too, relapsing can happen to any addict as we all know but as long as you really want to beat this you of course will fall short, its an all or nothing type situation for us really isn't it?
Sometimes getting a scare from the doctor puts a lot of things into perspective and like you i had a relapse after almost 1 year sober, but i quickly realised that much like you i do not want to end up another statistic of the alcoholic lifestyle, this disease wins too often as it is.
I wish you extremely well Doug.

PurpleKnight

If your happy with drinking, then go a head and push your chair away from your PC and good luck to you, there are others in need of support here on SR!!

But we both know that you're not posting for that, why would you come to a recovery website unless you thought you needed to change something in your life!!

Let's get real Doug!! . . . what do you really want to change about your life?!!

gvrecovery

You have to want to be sober to recover, so if you're not wanting sobriety then the alternative is to go on drinking as you noted: good luck.

Sudz No More

Hi Doug, I remember you and that you were doing so well for a while there. We all know it's tough but there is always the chance to change your mind. Maybe you could start having small discussions with your wife about wanting to quit to be healthy. Make it sound fun if both of you quit together and come up with nice ideas to do together sober.

If you can get her in on a plan you will have a much better chance of success. We'll be here when you are ready to lend you an ear and offer support.

Doug39

I guess you are right. The sick thing is I want the doctor to find something wrong with me or to have something bad happen that will give me an excuse to quit.

My biggest issue when I was sober for 4 months was that my marriage suffered. My wife still drank daily and since I didn't want to hit the bars, go to wineries, etc. and get loaded with her everyday everything started falling apart.

It is crazy that being good can become a bad thing.

Soberpotamus

How about quitting drinking now before the doc finds something wrong??

Doug39

Thanks...but that is easier said than done.

Soberpotamus

It gets much easier to quit when you are ready to quit. Hope you get ready soon. Good luck! Sounds simple, but there needs to be a desire for sobriety.

seek

"Health is the first wealth." (Forget who said that, but someone famous).

Groovitational

I am going to give it to you as straight as a I see it: Deep down in your soul you don't want to keep going this way. Deep down, you know why you're posting on a forum like this. You are strong enough to do this on your own and turn your life around. It doesn't take a doctor's diagnosis. This could really be the last straw, no exaggeration. You have control over your body. No one else is responsible for that. People care about you, don't abuse that.

WhiskyTengo

Just keep quitting.

Johno1967

That's all the reason to quit right there. You obviously can't control your intake. If you could it would be reasonable to say cut down however in your case I think you are past that. It sounds like your life is effectively unmanageable.

Seems to me you can either quit or start browsing for a coffin. There are options if you want to recover, but you love alcohol and may not have the motivation to do it.

jutam

I loved drinking. but my life just wasn't that good doing it day in day out day in day out. year in year out. I could manage the hangovers, drag myself to work.... now however, I eat well, go to the gym, blood pressure and weight better, energy good.... ive planned a volunteering trip to india and Nepal, I do activities, I feel better about myself.... the list is endless. I still loved drinking though. I don't want to die knowing all ive done is drink in the last year. good luck, I know the struggle

Soberwolf

You want to be told its alright to drink ? Been there lol

You stopped after doc said your going to have a stroke ?

STOP DRINKING YOUR GOING TO HAVE A STROKE

matt4x4

..........so these beers are what? 3% American beers? or are they 7% to 9% Canadian beers, or 12-15% Malt beers. Tolerance is something to look at, every alcoholic goes through it.

mistory5

You haven't hit any rock bottoms yet , have you?

Doug39

Is this really a factor? Alcohol is alcohol. In my early days of drinking I drank up to a liter of 80 proof whiskey everyday. So if I drink a 12 pack of 3% beer a day now is that better for me?

I get drunk everyday. That is the issue at hand. I don't understand what tolerance has to do with anything.

matt4x4

8 beers at 3%, or 15%, big difference on if you get drunk or not. Depending on body weight, food in stomach etc. Like you saying near beer at 0.5% makes no difference, well sorry to say there is a huge difference in the alc/vol per drink and if you get drunk or not. True enough alcohol is alcohol, dont be fooled into thinking you drink it for the taste. Otherwise, near-beer all the time right. I drank to get buzzed, drunk, blacked out, stupid crazy drunk. I always went for the 7% Black Ice Beer (if I was playing it cool, drinking "normally" in my eyes), or the 12% Vodka Cooler (hitting it harder), or the 40% Vodka bottle. But each and every choice, was just a matter of how long I wanted to wait to black out. Vodka = now, Beer = wanna hang with the boys and have some fun.

AG2013

I remember you Doug and I understand the frustrations you feel.
It is never too late to jump on the wagon. Being sober is not the magic pill you need to be happy but it is a major ingredient. You have to grow and change as a sober person otherwise you will fall right back into the delusion that alcohol makes you happy, even for the short term. It's difficult learning how to live differently sober but you can do it if you fight for yourself every day. Remember only an alcoholic knows if he is an alcoholic. It comes down to how you want to live these next 30 years. Good luck.