IHaveToday

I have 16 days today! That may not seem like a lot, but for me it is an absolute miracle!!! I haven’t had this many days sober since I left rehab last October… I relapsed June 2013 after 5 ½ years of sobriety; when my wife called the police and had physically removed from our beautiful brand new half-million dollar condo directly on the beach. Physically handcuffed by police, embarrassed, humiliated, and forcefully removed from my dream life!!! I move to a cheap hotel and picked up the bottle after 5 ½ years sober! I drank day and night, sometimes for 4-5 days in a row. The anger, resentment and hate fueled my drinking; and after a while I found that I ABSOLUTELY COULD NOT STOP!

Today, I am struggling deeply with the remorse, guilt, and shame from my 14 month tear. Sober 16 days today, I am trying to deal with the wreckage of the past year. I have learned that I just CANT LOOK BACK (YET)! It seems like everything behind me is on fire! What a path of absolute destruction my alcoholism left in just that short time.

I nearly lost everything I had to this disease; my beautiful condo directly on the beach, $100K in the divorce, 34 days of rehab, two different relationships one of which ended with me being in handcuffs (again), wrecked my brand new car, got thrown out of a luxury apartment complex for being “drunk in the common areas”, 3 nights in the hospital, and finally my six figure job that I had for the last 14 years… Everything behind me is on f#@king fire!!!

Today, I am trying to live “One day at a time”, sometimes “One minute at a time”. Right now, I am trying not to look back at the burning wreckage I left behind me at all, except to pay the thousands of dollars in damage that I caused (car repairs, new place to live, new job, hospital bills, etc.); at least until I get to my 4th step with the guidance of a sponsor…

Thank you for letting me share… I have today!!!

trachemys

You're right to face forward. You know what looking back got Lot's wife, right?

leviathan

I get ya! optimistic a couple days ago, now I don't trust anything that falls out of my mouth. wife hurting. im hurting. I say all the wrong things. im aggressive out of fear. just scared that this is it for me. -as in maybe ill never get past this ****. im no longer leviathan the nurse. or leviathan this and that. im leviathan the drunk (doper, whatever.) at six months sober, im afraid my identity will still be defined by this at six years sober, and so on.

my research into the substance issues tells me its an "addictive voice" in my head making me want to say **** it. the thing is I really don't want to drink/use. BUT I AM feeling rather reckless. that's just as bad, just no hangover. realized just a bit ago that I shouldn't be driving. stone sober but impaired! -going to an AA meeting tonight, even though I hate the whole thing (please take no offence. AA is valuable and I know that). just grasping I guess. don't want to pay rehab just so I can talk face to face with others afflicted. probly gonna call a therapist too, as all the lines are blurred. which of my negative emotions are stemming from addiction (drydrunk. whatever), and which are normal reactions to what I sometimes view as a no win situation?

although I have historically looked at my event (getting ******* busted and canned) as a lifechanger that could have saved my life, and as an opportunity to have a more meaningful existence... if SATAN offered me a trip back in time to NOT GET CAUGHT, with the agreement to stay on course drinking myself to death, I would really have to think before answering. What does THAT say!!?

I know in the end its pride jackin with me, but goshdarn (not the best word, but I read Dee's post yest.)... then theres spouse. she gets to worry about me for the rest of our lives and deal with my inability to speak my feelings without getting upset and nasty. no matter what I do, she is punished by a situation not of her making. no matter what I do, any misbehavior will bring the addiction issue to her mind. how could it not? -TYPECAST! MY FAULT!

if I live to 85, this will still be in everyones mind.

im NOT saying anything CRAZY, but I understand where folks get the first glimmer in their heads suggesting they do drastic, dramatic things. Sometimes the light at the end of the tunnel is hard to see.

today im not going to use. OUT OF SPITE!!! not healthy, but it will allow me to keep my date. LOL!

Anna

It sounds like you have a lot to deal with and come to terms with. You will be able to do that, but it might take some time. You're right to not look back yet. Get yourself established with a bit more recovery before you turn around to face the issues.

biminiblue

Well, it's a start.

Can't unring the bell. None of us have been able to do that. Going forward the people in my life can get on board with the new me or not. There is no one I can't live without, and if my changes aren't enough for them, that's their issue.

When I was sober for many years, it was never brought up. Of course, I divorced my husband, so there was only my family and I made new friends out of necessity. It all worked out.

AA is going to help you look back and put everything in perspective. "I will not regret the past, nor wish to shut the door on it."

ScottFromWI

Welcome back IHaveToday. There's really nothing you can do to change any of the past anyway, so looking forward is a marvelous plan. I would potentially look back though at what you did during those 5.5 years sober and try to learn from it. Obviously you must have been doing something that worked, and definitely something you can build on.

PurpleKnight

16 Days is fantastic!! Keep it going!!

jutam

day 19. 5 treatment programs in 2 years.... I spent 10 years not drinking once..... feeling greatful after reading your post I still have a job and somewhere to live, and my girlfriend, and my car... but its all a case of the yets. I haven't lost them yet.....
Unfortunately I do seem to smash antique oak tables and windows....
may we both stay sober this time. we have done it before and can do it again.

leviathan

apologies for thread hijack.

LastMistake

Ihavetoday-

I totally understand the difficulty looking back. It's true what was said above, that we can't "un-ring" the bell. I have not lost as much as you but the things I have lost are still quite tough to handle but seeing as the wounds are still fresh I imagine that anyone in our positions would feel the same way so for what it's worth your not alone. Looking forward can be scary but at the end of the day none of us here want to repeat the mistakes/bad decisions of our past.

AlexThedude

I've learned from much substance abuse, that often my guilt can be alleviated by forgiving people who have wronged me.

zjw

You really cant look back and take on the load of regret and guilt. At the same time you gotta address your messes... But even those can be too much in early sobriety. So you do what you can when you can with what you can. Dont bite off more then you can chew and dont be afraid to take it slow. Some messes just go away or are simply in the past now its best to leave those there.

I get concerned I probably have another drink in me but I dunno if i have another recovery. Keep that in mind with relapses. I know I could go out and drink and have a grand old time. But I dunno when or if I'd sober back up again. I dunno if I'd make it another time around. That being said be thankful you made it your sober now Hold on to that with dear life its worth way more hten any condo or car etc....

I'd rather be homeless destitute and sober then have all the riches in the world and a drinking problem personally.