Butterfly

Thanks heartsafire, I often wondered why he didn't seem to acknowledge my feelings about his drinking why even when he knew I was anxious and worried did he continue anyway. I always thought it was because he was selfish but maybe it was because he couldn't deal and the only way to numb it out was with more alcohol. That has helped me understand why he would wake up the next day and continue to drink, the shame of having once again let me down, hurt me, disappointed me or maybe even himself as he realised he hadn't controlled his drinking as he thought he could.

He talked a lot about the shame after a binge or a heavy night drinking and said he couldn't deal with it anymore.

mfanch

What is it like?

It is the same as for the codie, the only difference is the drug of choice.

Persys

I knew it was very bad for my body but I did not care. I knew it was bad for my relationships and my own mental health but I did not care. I thought about dying a lot, and worried when the next *&%$storm was coming from either a DWI, fight, etc.

I also knew that I could not stop. I would wake up every morning around 4am and worry that I was having a heart attack since my anxiety was so high from WD's. I worried a lot because for me, the single most important part of my life was something that I had to keep a secret from almost everyone. Only a select "lucky" few actually knew how I drank every single day, the rest got to wonder why I was so miserable and joyless most of the time.

Altoids

It is almost like there is another person living inside. The real me felt trapped inside. I knew what I was doing and I didn't want to be doing it. It is a compulsion that is really unexplainable, IMHO. My hubby says that trying to understand what it is like for me is like him trying the smell the color 9. But he tries and listens. I know I wouldn't be here if it weren't for his support.

As BigSombrero said " It's almost like having temporary dementia for a few years, and then trying to explain why you did the things you did. "

Butterfly

I initially thought he's left and out there partying with his friends who according to him have supported him through so much, now I know different. They don't care about him they just want him around to drink with but don't want to know that his life is falling apart. One of his friends told him he had issues with alcohol and needs to sort himself out, while in the next breath telling how wonderful it is being on your own, drink when you want, no one telling you what to do etc and inviting him round for a drink!! I'm not blaming his friends but can he not see they don't care about him. He did admit once after an argument about his friends that it's not them he's protecting it's his place to drink!!

Anyway I though he was having so much fun drinking with no responsibilities but your responses are helping me to realise that living with addiction is not fun. He is very depressed and says things like I'm still unhappy but that tough sh*t on me! I'm a useless drunken B*****d, your better off without me! I'm no good yet he refuses to get help! says this is who he is. I know it's not I know he's buried deep underneath just like you say altoids. My H would say at times that even if he didn't want a drink he'd have one anyway, I never understood why. For me if I didn't want to have a drink I wouldn't but I'm not an addict and I'm beginning to understand it's not that easy.

Thank you so much for your responses and giving me some insight into the struggles you go through.

jdooner

I am not sure, as I never hurt my family outwardly. For me I lost myself and was not present but I always provided. I don't believe an addict consciously knows the extent of the pain they are causing but everyone is different. I believe the addict rationalizes the choice, just like you perhaps rationalize the behavior and why you choose to stay in an unhealthy relationship.

I believe you are attempting to take a rational approach to an irrational situation.

I found the book In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts to be enlightening on addiction. Try reading it...bear with it for the first nine chapters then it will blow your mind.

trailrunrbyday

It is the most all consuming sad place to be - as an alcoholic.

Once it had escalated for me.....it would typically go something like this;

Feelings of HIGH and overwhelming anxiety(largely due to the ongoing feeling of my life being out of control, my shame in my inability to control my impulses and in letting down everyone around me over and over again). Most often on top of the mental anguish would be the physical withdrawal/need for alcohol. I would feel ill, jittery, a knot in my stomach, mind racing.

The first drink begins to calm the racing mind, jitters, physical and mental needs...

So it starts....the second, third and handful of next ones lets me find that floaty I don't care place....the numb place of "ahhhhhhhhh...okay, that's better...and I'm not drunk....I just feel better..."

At this point I feel GOOD, UP, Happy, easy going, relieved - I feel restored to okay/normal

But it doesn't stop there...my switch is broken and the desire to keep that feeling keeps me thinking another to keep me UP THERE....if I stop drinking, I will start coming down

In reality I am now getting hammered again...fed the needs and because my *switch* is broken....I just keep feeling maintained and better...I don't feel sick at all when I am drunk

BUT....later in the evening the guilt, the "I've crossed the line maybe...I think I've had too much but I NEED more...". I would usually start to see the disapproving looks from my husband, I would feel it was my RIGHT to have another - who the hell are you to tell me no(now I am getting defensive/depressed)...just TRY living like I am living(dealing with what I deal with...whatever)...but what I really mean is TRY being a FREAKING disaster - I'm sorry - I didn't mean to do it again....I need more...I need to drown what is now depression and guilt.....

and eventually I pass out and the next morning.....it starts again.

It is horrific and you feel COMPLETELY at the mercy of the need.....and honestly the only time I would really really think about my loved ones...was when I started to KNOW I had a problem..and somewhere a spark of wanting to stop started....and for a long time I numbed that and pushed it away with more booze.

I had to get to wanting it for ME....so that the ME was what my children and husband deserved.....I couldn't have done it for them I don't think.......it had to be for me and I am lucky that they are beside and behind me now. Truly a GRATEFUL alcoholic.

I am not proofreading or going to go back and see if this makes sense...I am only about 3 weeks sober so the recollections are very very fresh and I just let them pour out.

I hope he saves himself...and he will be lucky if you are there to see him for the man he truly is under the alcohol...we are NOT the people we seem when drunks....I don't even know that person and I NEVER would act as she did sober...it repulses me to think of my body being inhabited by that empty sad drunk.

ugh.
Closing out another 24....on my way to a meeting

Grungehead

I would suggest reading the Big Book by Alcoholics Anonymous, and more specifically the stories written by alcoholics who have gotten sober. They all explain what it was like for them in active alcoholism, what happened to cause them to get sober, and what it's like now that they are living by the principles of AA.

You can read the Big Book free online HERE.