What is it like for the alcoholic??
 

Hi I became curious after someone posted a thread on the F&FF about what it is like for us and it got me wondering. My ah left me 5 months ago so he could do what he wanted and drink when he wants he doesn't want help and at times he doesn't acknowledge he has a problem other times he does. I'm not asking why he left or how I can help him I know I can't and I have to focus on me and my kids but I have began to think about what it is like living with addiction.

I have read the psychology of addiction but that's not really a personal account of what it is like for individuals who live with this. Can anyone help me understand what is is like for you, the cravings, the thought processes, why even if people are feeling depressed they still feel alcohol will make them feel better?

I apologise if this post is difficult for people, I genuinely do want to understand

Thank you

Hi Butterfly

I think you're asking for a novel sized response really :)

In 25 words or less I was addicted. I believed that alcohol would either make me feel better or at least forget.

I needed to drink in order not to feel ill.

I had no other coping strategies in my life but drinking.

I came to crave drinking so much that it became my #1 priority over partner, my friends my job and even my own health.

it really was, for me, a kind of insanity.

D

Thanks dee

You mentioned the "thinking process". I believe our thinking process is warped by the addiction. Even the proverbial "dimmest bulb on the tree" could assess our relationship with alcohol and make the logical conclusion that it is very unhealthy. Heck even us alkies do this in some of our more lucid moments. However when push comes to shove, we can rationalize anything to take another drink. This too, is a thought process, but an unhealthy one.

I was depressed when I didn't drink. Drinking made depression go away, at least for a while. We don't feel that alcohol will make us feel better, it does make us feel better. Read "Under the Influence" to get the science behind this.

Upon sobering up I was more depressed than ever - alcohol IS a depressant after all. I had to get about 10 days of sobriety for the depression to leave me. This is why rehab can be critical to some people. I did this isolated in my bedroom, after a hospital detox. It is important to know the difference between detox and rehab. If you don't please research it.

In terms of cravings, I don't know how to answer this. To me a craving is something a pregnant woman has when she suddenly has to have some food she normally doesn't eat. At least these cravings have a healthy side effect - science has shown us this is for some vitamin or mineral that the fetus really needs. There is no positive to craving alcohol.

I don't even call them cravings. I don't "crave" oxygen, even though I need it to survive. I just breathe. In much the same way, I didn't crave alcohol in my active addiction, I just drank it, just like I breathed the air - with no thought put into it.

The process of getting sober included re-establishing a healthy thinking process. AA helped a lot, although it isn't for everyone.

I hope that helps and let me know if you have any questions.

Hiya
Very potted explanation for as to how it was for me.
Started at 14 to cope with feelings and feel more assured and that i 'fit in'.
Didn't realize then that once i had one, i needed more.
Started turning on me at about 25 but i denied that it was the booze causing the problems.
It then became a need above all others.
I lost wife, home, career an self but drank more heavily to drown feelings of shame and guilt. Fear of the future and self loathing became constant companions.
Still unable to stop. Partly because i feared the consequences of withdrawal and partly because i simply didn't know how to live sober and never had.
Booze eventually stopped working, i felt as bad with it as without it and my health deteriorated rapidly.
I had lost practically everything again and was drinking to simply achieve oblivion.
I hated myself and booze and thought i was doomed.
Then something happened and i was able to stop and deal with the consequences of stopping.
My life, in all aspects, is better today.
I am still prey to fear, confusion,inadequacy and extreme emotions, but with the help of others in recovery and my loved ones i am learning and working hard at change.....
An open AA meeting is an enlightening experience for anyone interested in or affected by alcoholism.
G:)

Butterfly - do you have any bad habits? Are there foods that you eat that you know you shouldn't but do so anyhow? For me the easiest way to explain this mental disorder known as addiction to someone with bread.

For me I know it did nothing good for me. It was empty calories and against the desired outcome that I hoped to achieve but I would rationalize its only one piece of bread. Its only 100Kcals I will just workout a bit more tomorrow. Well that never happened and I would not eat just one piece of bread. This for me was a form of addiction.

Addiction is a mental disorder because the addict knows not what he/she is doing. The addict has deluded himself or herself that what they are doing is not bad. Even in the end stages where the addict (I include alcohol in this) does not want to drink, he/she is unaware of the extent of the disorder. As such, they continue to rationalize their behavior. They begin to abhor the very thing they once loved and become dependent upon the substance or behavior.

Alcohol is no different from bread, just more dopamine, Crack is no different than alcohol just 1000x more dopamine. It just gets more acute and concentrated. There is also lots of biological things going on but that would be my layman's attempt to shed some more light.

Until the addict wants to change from within all attempts are futile.

Wow thank you taking 5 and afloatsober your experiences have been very thought provoking for me and I appreciate your honesty.

Thanks jdooner, I struggle with the part that the addict does not know what they are doing? Do they not know the impact their addiction has on their family or is it they do but can't control the impulse to drink?

I would suggest the latter, at least in my experience. I knew drinking had negative impacts in many areas of my life, yet I still drank. It's not rational thought.

Thanks Scott I suppose with my husband I always felt he couldn't control the urge to drink although he tried but I guess it became to difficult and for now, I don't want to say easier as I am certainly beginning to understand that nothing about addiction is easy but for him it was the only option. Stay at home and continue letting down his family or leave as he isn't ready for sobriety and I don't think he wants it.

For me drinking brought me to a place of contentment that nothing else could It was the missing peace of the puzzle that completed me. There was another person who lived inside of me and the only way to shut him up was to drink. The sober me and the drinking me were constantly at war but the drinking me always won

Thank you Butterfly for bringing this subject up and thank you everybody for your responses. I hope it's okay if I ask a couple of question, I hope that's okay Butterfly for me to add some questions.

Question I was wondering is do you feel guilt, love, shame, contentment etc. during or/and after drinking? And the things that you say during drinking are they truths?

Also if you are in recovery now looking back, what would you wish your family, friends, or spouse would have done then to help in any way with recovery? Or would letting you go through it on your own the way to get to recovery faster?

Thank you for your response.

"Booze eventually stopped working, i felt as bad with it as without it and my health deteriorated rapidly."

This explains the end of my drinking career perfectly and was the very reason I decided I needed to help myself and stop.

Butterfly you are doing exactly what you need to do for yourself and your family. Just don't forget that there is nothing you can do for your husband. Until he decides to stop anything you do will be futile. The change will need to come from within.

Best wishes

Have you ever been really drunk, and kind of forgotten what you did last night? You have a headache, body hurts, and you feel remorseful, guilty, and kind of scared? Imagine living like that ALL THE TIME. When that becomes your reality, 24/7, you more or less become a different person. I knew exactly what I was doing when I chose alcohol over my partner - I was in the midst of addiction. It was Alcohol vs. Girlfriend, and when it came time to make the choice, it was an easy one. I was under the impression that alcohol made me feel good all the time, and it didn't ask questions. I was swimming in delusion.

I can't really explain it. It's almost like having temporary dementia for a few years, and then trying to explain why you did the things you did.

For me it was this, I "know" the damage and harm, but feel like I can't do anything to stop it, so I drink and feel it less. Feel less guilt, less failure.

also do justify it.


The alcholic puts the blame and responsibility on others, because they don't know what to do. It's unconscious. But say "I have to drink, my spouse is a nag" or "my kids are making me crazy" or "boss is a jerk" or something like that.

If we make it like it's other people's problem, then we are free to go our way, "sucks to be them" attitude.

I didn't want to feel my pain and failure. I say it's better for my family if I stay drunk, I"m nicer that way. They disagree, I say "they don't see how I sacrifice trying to be a nicer person"...feel sorry for myself. At the time, I believed I was the good guy, and they just didn't understand.

Thank you everyone who has replied I really appreciate it.

Boudicca, it took me a long time to realise I couldn't help him and no matter what I said nothing would change until he wanted it to. I'm currently going no contact and although it's heart breaking I am powerless over his addiction I only have power over my own recovery.

Bigsombere, that is a really brilliant analogy and actually helped me relate. I do remember times when I got so drunk that the next few days were awful, worrying if I hurt, annoyed someone, now I don't drink to that point actually I don't really drink at all not because of that I have seen the damage alcohol can do.

Archelon I didn't really think my AH blamed me or anything/one for his drinking but he did blame me for not being able to drink when he wanted because I was so anxious about it, he told me once after he left that he enjoys a drink and I don't and that's grand but he wants a lifestyle where he can drink, he is a binge drinker. Would have drank felt remorseful and guilty for a few days swearing off drink, never put me through that again, loves me, doesn't want to lose me and how he was going to get help, then a few days or even a couple of weeks later he had himself talked round to being able to manage a few beers and telling me he could control it. Now I know he loves me but he didn't want recovery for himself. He has said that he couldn't keep hurting me and letting me down and he just needs to be on his own. He is very depressed and is drinking more now particularly at the weekend. I know when he moves into his own place which will be soon, currently living with his parents, which also restricts his drinking, he will deteriorate quicker.

Hi lovenlies of course I don't mind. My AH left me 5 months ago and I can definitely say he felt shame and guilt over his drinking and what he put me through, but it never lasted long and not because he didn't always feel it but because he would convince himself he could manage his drinking, this was his alcoholic voice talking. The shame and guilt would start again after he binged. This was one of the reasons he said he left he couldn't keep putting me through it, now that could be an excuse but he wasn't and still isn't ready to seek help. I know he still experiences the low depression after drinking And almost daily but I don't think he still feels guilt and shame but I don't know he won't talk to me he has shut me out.

Yes I do believe he loves me but I believe he loves alcohol more and at this time until he seeks recovery for himself that will always be his first love. That was hard for me to hear at first but I have accepted it and that there is nothing I can do about it. So yes they do feel love.

The one thing I have been told by everyone on this forum and the F&FF forum is that You have to focus on you and what you can do to help you recover nothing you do or say will force him into recovery it has to be his choice and his alone or else it won't work for him. He has to want it more than anything else.

The sole focus of someone's life, becomes alcohol the more the addiction takes hold, that's the easiest way to describe why people become so selfish in their actions, simply leaving a family, kids, to head off and drink, nothing becomes or is more important than having a drink, my life was focused on facilitating my drinking, nothing would stand in the way of that, so my actions and choices were influenced heavily by the addiction.

Even sadly to the point of an alcoholic continuing on despite health issues, an alcoholic may even kill themselves through alcohol, what insanity does that say about things?

Thankfully I got off at a train stop, long before the train crashed!! :)

Good for you purpleknight. I don't think health issues will stop my H from drinking, he's began experiencing shakes after he's been drinking. This worries me.

Maybe this will help shed a little light on addiction.

My ex-husband was a sex addict. During his disclosure to me about his addiction (he had been living a double life for years before I discovered his addiction) I remember asking him, "Did you ever think about me before you (fill in the blank)?" "Did you ever think about our children? Our friends? Your parents?" He gave me the most chilling response: "You all never once crossed my mind."

At the time I thought he was just a selfish bastard. But the more I learned about addiction the more I learned that the shame and self-loathing is so bad that you can't even begin to imagine the damage you are doing or the victims you are leaving in your wake. And how do you get rid of shame? You numb out with your addiction, thus the vicious cycle begins. You are not thinking of anything or anyone. All you can think about is your next fix so you don't have to feel.

It's the same for any addict no matter their drug of choice.

As far as wishing what my family could have/would have done different as far as my alcoholism, it wouldn't have mattered. I had to finally make up my mind that the pain of being an alcoholic is more uncomfortable and detrimental than the pain of getting and maintaining sobriety (yes to an addict sobriety is unbelievably painful - esp in the beginning). Just like my ex-husband had to decide that the pain of staying in sex addiction was easier than recovery.

I tried to control my ex-husbands feeble attempts at sobriety. Guess what happened? They were feeble attempts and he's now my ex-husband.

All you can do is be there until you can't. And then you have to let go. Everyone has to set their own bottom line...their own boundary for what they can take until it's just too much. And then you have to let go.

Melody Beattie has a brilliant passage in "The Language of Letting Go" which explains this delicate dance between addicts and those in recovery. It's called The Bridge. Maybe it will help as well.

on my side of the fence: My favorite passage from Melody Beattie's Language of Letting Go.