2blackkittehs

Hi Everyone -

I just celebrated 1.5 years on July 31. I love all the changes and I'm much happier than I've ever been. Great new job working in the industry that I've always wanted to. I always dreamed of going into this field but never made the effort or had the confidence until I got sober.

On to the epiphany - even in long sobriety it amazes me how my mind can regress to previous thought patterns. I've always had low self-esteem and much self-doubt. I've made some great strides in not going there but I realized something the other day and why I do this to myself.

I was speaking with my mom the other day and she asked me "Are they still happy with you at the new job?" My dad did this all the time too while he was still alive. I don't recall being asked "Are YOU happy with the new job?" This has been going on since i started working 30+ years ago. My twisted mind takes it as "you're lucky you have a job because you're obviously not smart enough or talented enough to keep it."

That self talk spirals into "you suck, you're going to get fired" when there's no basis for it. I've not had any counseling in the six weeks I've been there, I've had compliments, yet I still go there.

Anyone have any suggestions on how to stop doing this to myself? In my previous drunk life, my first reaction would be to reach for a drink. Thank goodness that I've trained myself to not go there and it's not my first or last instinct. How can I self-validate or offer myself affirmations that doesn't get countered by the negative self talk?

RobbyRobot

Hi 2blackkittehs,
You may want to consider how your low self-esteem and self-doubt feelings are creating and feeding your thinking on your negative appreciation of self-worth, and not the other way around. Have you considered this perspective?

You can protect yourself from such negativity by going out of your comfort zone and re-creating experiences which you already know bring you good feelings, such as hobbies, sports, interests, friends, helping others, etc. All of these will help you feel better and this will eventually win the day for you over thinking and feeling negative. Do you have activities and so on your already familiar with which bring you good feelings?

If not, it may be helpful to seek these out. A lot of the time we drank so as to feel good, if even for a short while, even though we ultimately knew the drinking couldn't last. As well, drinking left us worse off, goes without saying, as you know already since you now choose not to drink.

Its not (just) always our thinking that needs to change. Its also our feelings about ourselves and our lives that do better after an honest examination.

Hope this helps.

2blackkittehs

Thanks, that makes sense but it's a challenge to wrap my head around. It's kind of which came first, the chicken or the egg?

I workout daily which has been a huge help. I'm an extreme introvert and don't much like spending time with people. It makes me odd however I've accepted it about myself. I prefer the company of animals and would like to volunteer but I'd want to rescue them all and would truly become a cat lady. I think the sadness even in a no kill shelter would be too much for me to cope with healthily as well.

I am pursuing some interests that I had during my long drinking career but never did. I signed up for fencing lessons but will be waiting until Sept. 1 when my insurance goes into effect. Can't risk any injuries in the next few weeks. I'm also going to sign up for surfing lessons. Something I told myself I'd do before I was forty, then forty-five then fifty. I'll do it before I'm 51

Boleo

It sounds more like your Mom is the one with self-esteem issues. What you have is principle and boundary issues. The principles you need to work on are humility and forgiveness. The boundaries you need to work on are expectations and detachment.

There are other programs that deal with these better than recovery does.

Fly N Buy

1.5 YEARS = YOU ARE A WINNER!!!
That's is quite an achievement - Congratulations!

I think the epiphany is actually a major one and most of us alkeyholics suffer from the exact same thing. That's why we put up a front for the rest of the world to see. Sounds to me like you are now comfortable in your own skin!!

Without being confrontational, you might tell Mom that those words are hurtful to you. True emotional security can be shattered by parental questioning. Tell her you love her, but don't put me down.

How about - Hey, Mom - ya know what?! THEY ARE DAMN LUCKY TO HAVE ME!!!

Peace, keep up the good work and don't think too much!!

oak

I really liked the book Feeling Good by David Burns. It explained simple techniques to challenge the negative self-talk.

I've also found EMDR therapy to be very helpful. EMDR International Association or EMDR Institute, Inc.

I also keep a distance from my mom and other hurtful people.

Everyone is different. I hope you find what works for you. Very cool that exercise helps. I am so impressed that you are going to do fencing and surfing lessons!!!

2blackkittehs

Thanks Oak! I appreciate the suggestions - I'll check into both the book and the method.

I do my best to stay away from negative. My mom's just shy of 86 years old, widowed and her remaining children and sibling all live on west coast and she's back east.

I sometimes wonder though if my mind interprets things negtively even when they're not supposed to be. Oh well, more therapy is probably in order for me.

Bubovski

I find self talk using positive acronyms helpful in working on a stale old mind set.
Sort of based on Cognitive Behaviour Therapy.
Hope your new found insight leads you to better social adjustment.

EVW.......enjoy valued work.....

NightsWatch

I wonder if I do this too...

Congrats on 1.5 years sober!! That's quite an achievement. I hope to get there at the end of next year.

As for your OP, I relate in terms of patterns of thinking that result in low self-esteem and self doubt. I still fall into those thought patterns sometimes, but I'm a lot better now than I used to be. For this, I credit going to therapy for the last 4(?) years. It's funny but when I started, I thought I'd see her for 10 sessions or something, but I'm still at it. It took a LONG time for me to stop automatically thinking with the negative patterns. By long, I mean, years. And it happened gradually. I wish I could give you something that will solve the problem immediately, but I'm not sure there is one? There wasn't for me anyway.

I think CBT is good for this type of negative self-talk thing, and the Feeling Good book oak mentioned is a good one to start for that.

Another thing I'll say is that learning to be more gentle and compassionate with yourself helps immensely too.

Serotonin

My hyper codepenent mother has a habit of making remarks like that.

least

Congrats on a year and a half sober

DoubleDragons

Your mother's remarks were about her, not about you. Don't own her insecurities. Hurting people hurt people. Try to detach yourself from the hurt feeling and examine it. Where did her remark affect you in your body? What did that feel like? Did her remark sting you because of an insecure feeling you are harboring about your job? Is that feeling based on any kind of reality?? If you can own your feelings and detach from them and examine them, they will soon pass having no power over you. You are not your feelings.

zjw

I found a few things I was good at and just KEPT DOING THEM! I got better at them and better And realized I was good for something it may not have seemed like much but it was to me and it started to bleed into other ares of life. Then I started to realize i was not good at somethings and I could improve as much as i could but I might always need to work in some areas I might not ever be good at somethings.

Like I'll never be able to ride a skateboard. I now lame example but I'm ok with the things I cant do well. I'm estatic about the things I am good at. And I know I'm not totally worthless etc..

So maybe find some things your good at make it a point to do them often etc.. Its a real confidence builder.

FeelingGreat

hi, just read your OP, and my immediate thought was that now you realise you have that instinctive reaction to your mother's words, you're part of the way to dealing with them. It's the feeling of unhappiness or dissatisfaction where we can't trace the source that festers.

Do you think your mother meant to suggest things should be going wrong by now, or was that your interpretation? If it was deliberate it might have been coded concern for your sobriety, rather than an intentional put-down. Either way, now you know your response you can pull apart the deeper feelings and neutralise them (I hope).