Strawberry777

Hi everyone,

Thank you all so much for your wonderful replys to my first question of how to tell the difference between a "problem drinker" & an alcoholic.....

I still dont know where I fall, but KNOW I have a serious problem. It was made even more apparent just how serious it is this week when I tried to quit cold turkey and only lasted 3 stinkin days!!

Anyway I know I need help, and need to start going to AA meetings on a regular basis, get a sponsor and all that good stuff.

MY QUESTION is: I am a closet drinker, NO ONE even knows what a huge problem I have. I am a single Mom of a 14 year old daugher, she has seen me pretty wasted a few times, but for the most part I am able to hide my nightly drinking. Although she has said to me a lot lately that I act SO DIFFERENT at night!! I usual come up with a lie about me taking pain killers or nightquill.... so sad I know. SHOULD I tell her the truth now??? I mean she and I are VERY close and I know that she looks up to me a great deal. SHould I tell her that I have been lieing to her EVERY night, and that I have been sneeking??? I am scared to death that she will never trust me again if I do!!!! What kind of message would that be sending her??? I think that I should just try and get help in secret, cause I am not sure her knowing would do EITHER on of us any good. I dont know if I could live with myself knowing that she would think so little of me after I fessed up???

Help................... not sure what to do!!

Thank you for your time in reading this!!

Linda

Gabe

It's an honest program Linda. Keeping secrets doesn't do anyone any good.

Ann

I agree with Gabe, Linda. Getting honest with her will help you keep honest with yourself and make finding the help that you want easier. Getting help is a positive thing, and you have nothing to be ashamed of.

And something I feel compelled to say, she probably already knows you have a problem and telling he would be a big relief for her too.

Sending hugs and prayers that you find the help you want and that your relationship with your daughter gets better every day,

Hugs
Ann

Patsyd1

Hi Strawberry,

Just for today, this moment, I would suggest focusing on you, and your sobriety. Don't drink, get to as many AA meetings as you can, sit and listen, identify and do not compare. Take the suggestions, get some phone numbers and call them.

Why not concentrate on today, there is time to let your daughter know what is going on. I can promise you that if she is 14 yrs old, she knows what is going on. Kids are not stupid, and at 14 yrs old, she is well aware of what alcohol smells like, what drunk is, and what is happening right in front of her eyes. They have all kinds of programs now in school that teach kids about drinking, drugging, sex, and all kinds of addictions and behavior that is not healthy for them.

When I got sober, my children were very young. My son was 5 yrs old, and my daughter was 5 months old. He knew that I was going somewhere at night called "AA". I didn't have any support under my roof for sobriety for at all. I was told by all my family members, that I wasn't alcoholic and that I didn't need those meetings. My 5 yr old knew that something was wrong with mom when she drank. Even at 5 yrs old, he knew SOMETHING wasn't right and it had to do with that stuff that I drank.

One night he asked me where I was going when I left the house at night. I was very honest with him, and told him "Alcoholics Anonymous Meetings", and I knew that there would be questions that he would ask, and I could call my sponsor if I got stuck. Well what my son said to me was this: "Mom, I don't know what that is, but please keep going, because I like you better this way"

Out of the mouths of babes. My 5 yr old son was my staunch supporter in my home. LOL He asked if he could go with me, and I took him to the AA meeting with me. He is 21 yrs. old now, and my daughter is 16 yrs old now. Both of them got to know about this disease, it is no secret. They are both well informed about addiction, alcoholism, and many other "secrets" that for generations were killing many in this family.

We are not bad people trying to get good, we are sick people trying to get well.

When my daughter was in the 7th grade she was given a special award because she got all the questions correct on the "Dare" test, yes, even the the 3 bonus questions. LOL

Its been a beautiful experience to get sober and work this simple program of AA in my own life. Yes I believe that alcoholism is an illness and its illness is passed on in families. Today I know that "recovery" is passed on also.

Alcoholics Anonymous, and the 12 Steps not only gave me back my life, a life second to none, but it gave my children the opportunity to do it differently, to not have to repeat the insanity of generations in this family.

We are only as sick as our secrets. I would suggest that you take care of you first, by getting sober, and working this program in your own life. And when the time comes, and it will, that you will be able to be honest with your daughter not only about you, your illness, and your recovery, but you will be able to be honest with her in a way that is healthy.

I wasn't planning on telling my son at first, because I had no idea what I was dealing with, so how could I explain to him what was going on. I did make a decision to not lie though, and if he asked, I would try to explain, in age appropriateness, what I was trying to do.

So I would suggest "don't lie", and when the time comes, just be as honest as you can with your daughter. What my childen learned is that this is an illness, and that secrets are very unhealthy and that its ok to be honest, and reach out and ask for help.

Take care of you first, do it for YOU.

Strawberry777

Gabe & Ann,

Thanks for your replys.

I have know doubt in my mind that honesty of course is the best policy..... STILL I am scared to death to tell her, how the heck do I tell her, what do I say??????????????? How do I possibly expain all the lies and diseption???????

Strawberry777

Patsy,

I agree w/ you about the take care of me first, and worry about NOT drinking today. I guess my real concern right now is, what in the heck to I tell my daughter where I am going for these AA meetings. I have only been to one so far, and of course I lied about where I was going...... cause if I do tell her where I am really going, well of course I need to tell her why?????? I am torn and frustrated and very scared as to what I should do.....

Patsyd1

Strawberry, you do not have to tell her TODAY. Take the focus off telling your daughter and put the focus on the only thing that you can do anything about today....... you and your sobriety.

If she asks, be honest and keep it simple..... "I am going to AA meetings"...

Take care of you first, and get to AA meetings.

Love
Patsy

Ann

You can discuss as little or as much as you want, Strawberry, perhaps just tell her that you find you are drinking too much and are going to try to get help, and leave it at that.

My guess is that she will be relieved.

Patsyd1

((((((((((Ann)))))))))))) now thats keeping it simple, thanks Ann

Anna

Hi Strawberry,

I would absolutely tell her the truth and I would be very, very surprised if she tells you that she already knew what was going on. When I was drinking I truly believed I was successfully hiding my problem from people. What an eye-opener - I wasn't!! Adding more lies to this issue will only cause more problems.

Love, Anna

Dan

Take her with you. I'm sure it's been said, but we're only as sick as the secrets we keep.

Ann25

Hi Linda--My name is Ann--Im an addict. I have two daughters--13 and 7. When I went to detox/rehab over a month ago I thought that I "hid" my problem well. When I got home me and my oldest daughter had a long talk and she told me she knew. She didnt know my doc(couple of them actually)
But she knew I wasnt "right". That cut me like a knife. The guilt I felt--still feel is overwhelming. But-ya know--she needed to know the truth. She understands now that that was not the real me. Dont get me wrong--there are some resentments there but with time we can get through it and get on with our lives. I highly suggest being honest with your daughter-as honest as you can be TODAY. It may take some times to be totally honest all at once. For me--my daughter doesnt need to know all the morbid details--but for TODAY I can try to be the best mom I can. My kids deserve that!
Hang in there Linda--and keep coming back. We`re always here to listen.