DragonInTheSky

I for one have read quite a bit of judgment on this thread, and sorry...judgment and shaming just doesn't work for all of us in the way of helping. Zoey, I think it was awesome for you to be able to flush that crap down the toilet. Good for you! So, you had a few drinks and that's not good...but there is no need to "confess to your soul" or anything like that. If anything, your confession has been right here. You've laid it on the line for all to see, and that's brave knowing there will be those that get on your case about it, maybe a little too much.

I think you know best of anyone what you need to do for yourself to maintain your sobriety. Inside, we all know what we need to do. Just put those thoughts into action and move forward.

Nuudawn

Zoey..I too would like to commend you on not finishing what you started. Although sometimes the overall tone may come off as a tad judgy, one shouldn't minimize giving over to a craving..and for me, I know how tricky my little addiction is (and I know because it happened to me). I had one drink early on in my sobriety last year. One. I didn't feel good about it..there were circumstances...anyways, I didn't think it mattered. It did.

Guess what came into play 4 months into my sobriety when my addiction started playing the ole "you aren't an alcoholic..you can have a glass of wine now and then".

Guess what my addiction justified as proof of my ability to moderate?

The one drink I was able to walk away from.

You said you aren't going back to Day 1. Does that mean your sobriety date remains unchanged? That too is your business. I sobered up in May...then I drank on June 20. It was one day. My sobriety date is June 21st...simply because I want continuous momentum of not being hoodwinked by my addiction.

Don't get me wrong..you pouring that crap is a win..and should be commended.
There are just other factors in play. We are talking about a very wily mind when it's wrestling addiction.

zoey09

Nuudawn - I don't want to get hung up on a sobriety date. For some that may be incentive, I used to be very much into counting days. In my experience, it became a mild obsession, it wasn't healthy. You don't look at your age as so many days... For me I've stopped looking at my recovery in days. If it helps you during your recovery, all the power to you, but I've started to look at it as a journey. I go up and down, I've had highs and lows. Maybe I'm taking longer then some, I've been a member since 2013. But I'm still here and posting. I feel like - "welcome back to day 1" has a negative connotation. Day 1 for me is when I've slid so far down back into my old lifestyle. Today doesn't feel like day 1 or 2, it feels like a new day of my journey.

Anyways enough about day counting, looking back at my first post I agree it may have came across as I don't give a ****. I was somewhat drunk when I wrote it. I don't suggest putting yourself in that situation, or Patting yourself on the back afterwards, but I've spent far too much time beating myself up after a slip. Hating myself, feeling ashamed, spending far too much time dissecting te night and what I could have done different. I'm trying a new approach. I'm 26 and I'm starting to love myself, just the way I am. Faults and all. I'm ok with making mistakes, and yes to everyone I did learn something. It was something deeper then I could put into words, a shift within me, so I didn't share.

I just hope that if others screw up, you won't be afraid to post here. We discovered SR and hung around here because it's a relief to find others who are like minded. You might catch some **** from the responses, but I've been true to myself. I've read every post, learned from some, ignored others, but at the end of the day I'm grateful to have a place like this to share.

Dee74

Hi Zoey

I absolutely agree that there's no point to beating yourself up. and that pouring the rest away, and coming here to be honest were good things.

The trouble I had is I would rest on those laurels - which meant that next time I had the urge to drink, my mental mark for a 'good result' was moved...just a little.

Incrementally I got worse and worse, but deluded myself I was doing better cos I only had reference back to the last time I drank.
When I didn't do better than my last time I didn't sweat it, cos everyone goes overboard sometimes, yeah?....

By the end of my drinking days not drinking in the AM was cause for celebration.

Don't be bamboozled by your inner addict - you did well, but I think you can do better and you really need to strive for that if you want change to happen.

Look at what happened and at least take some lessons from it - for example, why it is you didn't come here for help...that kind of auto pilot can really end up being deadly...work out some strategies for next time maybe?

Hi again Dragon

Support. It's tricky.

I remember being affronted as a newbie too - how dare these people be SO judgmental?

The thing I didn't understand then, that I do now, is I can learn from others bad, mad and dangerous experiences.

I promise you that as a new guy trying to stay in recovery I didn't always know what was best for me - a major part of my brain was tuned to listening to my AV...so much so I didn't even realise it.

'You go girl' style support has value too, but it's my fondest hope that one day somewhere in my old man's blather maybe I can be guided to the right words to stop somebody from making the same dumb mistakes I did.

Maybe that's me dreamin'...but I try.

D

Tiptree

Zoey - My sobriety has been a very long journey, one with many bumps and detours, even major crashes along the way. I didn't just flip the switch one day and stop. Some can do that. Others have a much harder time. We are all unique. There is no need to beat yourself up. It won't make you better. Be proud that you stopped. But also be very afraid that you got yourself in that position to begin with. Next time it could be much worse. Figure out what happened before that first drink, and what possibly would have led to a different outcome. Learn from it. I'm glad you poured the beer out and are back on board. That is a very good thing!

VikingGF

Good for you, pouring it out, Zoey.

Lisa.

Nuudawn

Hey Zoey...I hold my days loosely as well. I am not a day counter. I just keep a vague idea of where I'm at for the good of my sobriety (as in where am I at mentally, emotionally). I have come to think of the 3 - 6 month phase ..as the trenches of sobriety in your first year. This first year is very important to me...as it is almost like the cycle of 1st year grieving. I have to get through all the seasons and occasions for the first time. I lost 4 months of sobriety last year. I have done enough reflection to understand why. I made it through summer..but I didn't make it through fall..I didn't make it through Christmas. That is the only way time is important to me. Oh I'm sorry..the "present" is very important to me too. I try to stay in that time space most of all : )..and THAT can prove challenging sometimes.

Anways..I'm sorry, I just didn't understand what you meant by not going back to day 1..hence my comment. I started my ascent into sobriety in May...and that is every bit as important as the day of my last drink. Trying to get your seat firmly planted on the sobriety horse is work...perhaps the hardest work. You might get bucked off a time or two...but you just keep fighting. I am proud of the work I have done in sobriety ALL the way through. I am proud of the 4 months I had last year (I did a ton of good work there on myself). It has all been part of my process. But I must learn from my pitfalls...and not allow myself to stumble into the same old detours again. That's where the lessons of relapse are worth their weight in gold.
The important thing is what we learn in this process...not approval or pats on the back (however nice that may feel).

I applaud your continuing progress.

caboblanco

well i'd just be glad the goddam cops didn't pull you over....don't have open containers in a car..that's like $200 a container over here....other than that ..don't worry about it

dwtbd

I've been on a lot more lately, and it maybe a little chest beating and grand standie. Heck look at my avatar, a tattoo?! Wtf? I am not a day counter , but I sure feel this year. This not my first time trying to be sober . Like you said this recovery thing(addiction thing) is a long process with many ups and downs.
I sobered up, pretty much, before I got married and kept a pretty good " lid" on it when our children were first born. There were years that I drank and everything seemed ok to others and maybe even myself. Not quite everyday and not always til blackout, but now looking back certainly not healthy in any sense, I just got comfortable with it.
When the kids were 2 and 4 , I remember thinking that by the time they were 10 and 12 "it" be better by then, I imagined I would either not drink or at least be a normal drinker, I think I was always working on being better at drinking, just had to figure out to stop the dysfunctional part and fix that. But it really never got better, sometimes I would quit even fairly long stretches , at least to my thinking they were long, but fast forward to the kids being 21 and 19 and there I was drinking in the am and passing out by the end of the night practically daily. For me it was a always I problem ignored at times but , I could no longer ignore the progressiveness of alcohol abuse.
Last year was the first time I decided that my choice was down to one option , quitting for good. It feels like I have been quitting since the first time drinking as a teen, I'm 47 now and I am finally done quitting, I quit.
I get , I think, what you say about the process and slips, and that you didn't just give in lately, that is awesome. I guess what I wanted to share was the that if you are at all like me, quit quitting at 26, I wish I did.

ChloeRose63

Zoey, I hear you. ♡