alwayssober1

Hi all,

I'm doing alot better than last week when I was on the ropes when an annoying condition flared up, i had strong cravings and intense anxiety and depression set in, but since I've destressed that has calmed down now, back to focusing on my sobriety....

I quit drinking new years eve hoping i will finally make progress in sorting my life out, I felt like life was passing me by and I had to take action, stop being one of life's spectators, I blamed drinking on me being lazy, unmotivated, disinterested in everything in life except beer etc.

I'm 6 months, 1 week sober, in a way I've improved my health, I bet my liver is happy, I've lost around 20kg, so I look better, but I still feel like that same person I was before? I'm still lazy, unmotivated, I started cycling everyday and eating healthily to try and give myself a boost but I still feel lost? I'm struggling to find a job, I don't know what I want to do with my life?

I thought giving up drinking would be the first important step in fixing my life, but I still feel I lack direction and meaning in my life....I feel like I could have drank everyday the past 6 months and I would still be where I am right now? I've made no progress?

What I'm trying to say is I blamed the heavy drinking on my dissatisfaction in my life, now I'm sober I realised it wasn't alcohol holding me back, it was me who was holding myself back all along....

MIRecovery

AA has a blue print for living. It brought meaning, hope and healing. Quiting is the first step fill the hole left by alcohol is the second

jdooner

I would say you have come a long way but not giving yourself credit where credit is due. You are learning to cope without the use of substances (alcohol), which is huge. This is such an amazing feat and you are burying it in this post.


Again, you have so much to be proud of - you have lost 20kg, 6 months sober. How about setting a goal to help with some of the other things now. BTW - Someone cycling and loosing this much weight is not lazy. Have you thought about journaling. I feel like you are describing sometimes and having a daily plan of action can help keep me on track.


I would wager this is not true. As I point out above, you are moving mountains even if you don't want to give yourself credit for this. What comes through in this post is a lack of purpose. What is this all about. I think this existential and important question is a big one. Now that you are living your life and feeling your feelings what is this all about? I get it. Have you thought about reading some books?

To me it seems your at a critical crossroads. You can either let you fear of change drive you back to drinking or seek to learn more and continuing on your journey. For me I am choosing to move ahead. Sobriety has opened up new doors that require exploring and I hope you continue this journey with me.

Good luck

IOAA2

Hi. As described in AA, drinking is the tip of the iceberg. There are a lot of items below the surface we need to work on that we tried to escape from. The alcohol gave us some comfort for awhile but stopped working and now we need to work on the underlying reasons which can be an eye opening adventure. I along with many drank to cover up my feelings which I never learned to handle and resulted too often in anger then poor relationships.
It’s work but certainly worth it in the end when we can feel comfortable in our own skin for perhaps the first time.

BE WELL

zjw

its been a slow step by step process for me. sober up sort my brain out exercise eat right loose weight sort my brain out more get out of debt sort my brain out some more. Fix problems after problems exercise some more read some more learn some more about what i was doing wrong.

I got one biggie problem left on my list my job. I hate it and I wanna get a new one. I just have not found a solution yet. The recovery process is step by step for me things evolve you evolve with it. I'm not sure that you ever cross the finish line spike the ball and do the dance. I think there is always going to be problems but I think you can eventually find a nice routine / situation that fits you well. for me most things in my life fit me well. I wish some stuff was different but i'm pretty accepting of how it is if i cant change it. But My job for example is an area I wish was different and i'm not very accepting either so I know I need to get this worked out.

sometimes you gota figure out what "lazy and unmotivated are" with my job i'm lazy and unmotivated why? cause I hate it. because it takes every last ounce of strength to do it. I'm not a lazy and unmotivated person so I wont beat myself up over it I know its not me Its just a circumstance in my life that just doesnt fit me well right now. I also like to garden go running spend time with my family etc.. some might say oh your lazy and unmotivated why dont you go make more money elsewhere. I say why? I enjoy doing these things etc... if it where up to me i'd forage for wild food go running and swim naked in streams all day would that make me lazy and unmotivated or happy and free?

I spent a great deal of time after i sobered up trying to find out what makes me tick what makes me happy. When i was a child my mom used to tell me you think your peter pan you wanna never grow up and be responable you wanna just do nothing with your life etc.. She'd tell me how life doesnt work this way and that i'd have to quit screwing around. I've now realized shes right. I do wanna be peter pan I'm happiest that way sue me but its what makes me happy. Speeaking of maybe I shoulda called in sick to work today! DOH!

doggonecarl

It is tough to feel you have a direction and purpose in life without a job. But take it from a former workaholic, there are more things in life to give it purpose than a job.

While you aren't working, think about volunteering somewhere. You have the time, and helping others is fulfilling. If your career is the priority, look at job training opportunities, or school, to enhance your resume.

zjw

I know for a fact I had to find purpose and meaning in my life from places other then my job. there is 0 reward for me at my job. its just one SH*T sandwich after another there. But running gardening helping others playing with my kids etc... that feeds met hat gives me purpose.

besides I dont think my employer is gonna put flowers on my grave

zjw

its tough to think things could be worse soemtimes. as much as i hate my job I could have a worse job. Maybe you cant find a job cause the right one just aint come around yet. It might be a blessing in disguise too.

PurpleKnight

Sometimes we equate success and meaning in life with the things we can see around us, job, relationship, money etc etc, but being 6 months Sober is no easy achievment, check out some of the Newcomer and Friends/Family threads and you'll realise how many mountains you've moved to get this far on your journey.

Sobriety is a very important foundation that can be built upon, doors that you probably didn't even imagine existed can be opened, you mentioned your health, loosing weight, starting cycling, would you have imagined these things 6/7 months ago?

Sometimes I think we just need to stop being so hard on ourselves, Rome wasn't built in a day as they say, others have already mentioned some good ideas, don't be afraid to try something new out, all this free time that we spent drinking, start something new, what would you like to achieve in life now that alcohol isn't holding you back? the world can have a lot more potential through Sober eyes!!

desypete

in my early days

my life was unhappy as all i did with my days was sit about on my own, the only time i felt free was when i was in an aa meeting around people but then after the meeting i would go back to my empty flat and my empty life.

what i needed in my life was a program of action i could do each day

the just for today card in aa helped me as i would do the things it would suggest i do

i had to wake up each day and have a bath, put on clean clothes, then go out of my empty flat for a walk and count the roof tops, this kept my head held up instead of down

then i had to say hello to people out in the street who i didnt know just a friendly greeting of good morning or somthing like that

i wouldnt do anything like this as i would feel daft but when i tried it i was amazed at just how friendly people would be back to me so i kept on doing it
now i do it without a second thought but its taken a long time of effort to do it in the first place

my head keeps telling me not to do these things but when i try them i find i like it

then i had to find a job, and fill in a lot of my time working
this is why i would to go back to early recovery as i know just how hard i had to work on me to effect a change

i was pushed into aa service work and i never wanted to do it as i thought i needed to be an aa expert to be able to even make the tea in meetings

all the way along so far i fight everything until it hurts me enough then i try a different way or i listen

it can be hell on earth living on your own and sober and feeling good about being sober
today i know that just the fact i am sober is worth more to me than all the money in the world and i am happy in my heart just being sober

aa or living sober doesnt mean life is going to be wonderful or that life will not have bad days in them
but to be sober on a bad day is just amazing but its takes a lot of hard work and effort at the start to learn new habbits of getting off my backside and doing something : )

jdooner

Purpleknight triggered a thought for me AS...I used to think I needed things to make me happy. The next title would solve everything, once I went from VP to Managing Director. A new sports car would fix my ailments. It had to be because I was out of shape so hire a trainer and get in shape. A bigger more exciting vacation. A New House. A new beach house. What I was doing is outsourcing my life. I was isolating in my addictions. Tolle, writes a great book or several but the Power of Now and a New Earth. The second I have not finished but both describe living in the moment and not outside of ourselves.

You have everything you need inside of you to be happy! Now you have the tools being sober to access the goods.

Archelon

About a year after I got sober I was feeling like that too. Ho hum, now what, half dead inside.

My sponsor said "make a list of what you want" So I did and showed him and he said "you don't want a life, you want to win the lottery!"

It was my same thing, stuff, stuff. I used to do it with food and drink. So I realized I need some new thinking. This may sound stupid, but this is what I did. Go to the library to a section I never go and get two books.

Listen to a new radio station. Watch a different kind of movie. Eat at a different kind of restaurant.

My brain was in a rut, and I needed different ideas to shake it up. That helped me get choosing instead of just doing my same thing. Yes i like this, no I don't like that.

I went to a career counselor and did some tests about skills and interests, thought about things I never considered and took some jobs that were so different from my others.

Sponsor said to me that not knowing right away, or trying something and changing my mind isn't a mistake, it's life.

taking different kinds of jobs, I met different kind of people. That was really the best thing. I learned to laugh again.

zjw

yeah thats a tough one. keeping things in perspective.

alwayssober1

Whoa! Thanks for all your great replies, you have given me a lot to think about....

At first it was just to stop drinking, now I'm 6 months sober and I'm thinking about other stuff apart from just "not drinking"....so I guess that is progress being made.

As you all know getting sober things get super clear, no more burying your head in the sand, dealing with reality, everything seems overwhelming but I guess its going to take time to feel more resilient, only the past month I've been really thinking about my life and with that self doubts creeping into my thoughts etc.

It is a journey I want to stick with, I know deep down inside this is the right decision, there as been more self development in the past 6 months than there has been the last 12 years!

Its like starting your life all over again, with that possible opportunities to learn/develop yourself, I'm out of my comfort zone but that is a good thing.

Thanks again!

zjw

yeah thats for sure.

Yeah I never buried my head in the sand I just drank away my problems. I thought the life i had was what i wanted but clearly i wasnt happy as i drank the misery away not even realizing how miserable i was. Now i'm sober and i'm trying to fix this and fix that and solve these wrong turns i took in life. And sometimes I wanna stick my head in the sand (notice i didnt say drink) sometimes I wanna ignore my troubles it just seems easier to ignore stuff focus on the positive stuff and let other stuff fall by the wayside that I cannnot tackle and solve. Like I know i'm slipping on my performance at work. But I just cant take it anymore so i'm letting it slide and i'm trying to focus on things that make me happier and feel better about myself instead. In my case yeah it might cost me my job at some point but Like i said before I gotta right the wrong turns i've made in my life.

Facing our problems head on is tough. Its really easy when you got solutions but when your hands are tied thats when I feel like sticking my head in the sand but thing is I"m not very good at that even i'm much better at worrying myself sick about stuff!

All I ever read tho is to be more positive focus ont he good things dont sweat the small stuff etc.. So its what I'm trying to do. tho I'll be honest in my case I'm kinda concerned its going to cost me a my job but then with how much i hate my job would that really be a bad thing in the end? I dunno.

EndGameNYC

I left myself with quite a mess when I finally put down the drink following my three-year relapse. I was shot, physically, spiritually and psychologically. It was enough for me to just be able to sleep for a few hours each night, and even that was exhausting.

For about the first year, I was content to be able to get to a meeting and go to outpatient treatment each day. I had no plans, no ambitions and, being out of work and largely unemployable, carrying broken relationships from my relapse, and having destroyed myself financially as well, I was in no position to set larger goals, and had (in my mind) virtually nothing to look forward to. I imagined I may never be able to return to work, and be forced into a very early retirement. My only plans, and these were very vague though rather regular, included finding a nursing facility that I could afford, and then live out my possibly many years playing bingo and eating pudding for dinner.

I imagine that many of us neglect temperament when it comes to things like motivation and fashioning achievable goals. Temperament refers to the part or parts of our personality that are largely hard-wired. It's generally thought that we cannot change our temperament in any meaningful way, but that we can use it to our benefit rather than apply it as an instrument of failure or regret. I'm not a natural planner; I don't think in words and numbers, but in pictures. Making lists means nothing to me, and is only an extra, unnecessary and usually distracting form of resistance to doing what I need to do. Rather than enhance my actions, making lists is a huge obstacle for getting things done. If there are things that I never want to do or finish, all I need to do is put them on a list.

I "see" what needs to be done, and picture potential outcomes of my actions, much like a cartoon strip. It's like reading a story from start to finish, or from finish to start, with a variety of beginnings and endings. Rather than force myself to make plans in any systematic way or write lists, prepare charts and graphs, I read my own self-generated stories. I've learned that I can be very successful in this way, and the process itself is continually and exponentially rewarding.

Anna and others here are big on promoting making small but reasonable changes in the beginning, and doing so was crucial for me. Changed my toothbrush, the routes I walked to meetings, tried to eat something different each day with the little income I had, convinced as I was from my previously long-term sobriety that I wasn't at that time going anywhere fast. The smaller changes prepared me for whatever larger changes were in store for me down the line, just as this was the first time I got sober.

Whenever I've debated doing something new or different in my life, or resume something I stopped doing or lost during my relapse, I never concluded that "I can't do it." Instead, I read the story to the end, and made a decision as to whether or not I want to do it, or am at least willing to do it, regardless of the outcome. With some things, this is an ongoing story, while with others, I either table my plans for a better moment, or decide quickly as to my next move. In the main, I'm not at all afraid if my plans don't work out precisely the way I want them to, since doing nothing at all is much worse than trying and either failing or discovering that my interests lie elsewhere. Doing nothing is despair, which is no decision at all; taking action invariably brings me to a better place.

I won't provide any kind of comprehensive list that includes all the wonderful places and things that my willingness to participate in life on a range of different levels has brought me. I don't know that that would be helpful for anyone. But suffice it to say that I am generally a happy person regardless of how my plans work out. It is the doing and not the deliberating or even the outcome that sustains me and makes life meaningful.

Any one of us can make plans; there are great rewards in taking the actions required to bring our plans, our goals and our dreams into reality. Yet we cannot and will not ever know this without getting our hands dirty.

alwayssober1

I totally get the drag when your in employment you hate, I've personally never found away to put 100℅ performance in a job that I despise, a boss and colleagues you can't stand. Seems like you've got your priorities right, I know its your livelihood, but at what expense? Your mental health? (Stress/depression etc)

For example I would find it very difficult to have constant horrible stressful working weeks and still not drink come the weekend, i would blow a fuse! Do what your comfortable with and screw the rest, crap like that can cause burnout.

Don't let the b*****ds grind you down.

zjw

I wish I would have come to a site like this or AA sooner I waited till 1 year in or so. But I've since learned just how debilitating alcoholism is. and the fact that i struggled so hard just to retain my employment was not so bad. that others too have had very difficult times with employment. I thought I was alone that first year. I did not realize that its a more common problem. I'm 3 years sober now and I still struggle to hold on to this very same job I think largly in part becuase of the mess in my head. From one perspective I'm on easy street from another this is the pitts!

Its a sad illness and most including myself dont realize that its hard to keep a job in recovery for some of us. I beat myself up over this for a long time. I told myself there must be something wrong with me etc.. I felt like i was a special snowflake with the worst unimaginable rpoblems ever. Then i met others with the same issues and thought geeze I can relate I'm not crazy amazing!.

zjw

BINGO!


I've walked off jobs over lesser nonsense then what i tolerate these days. But these days I have a higher mortgage and a wife and kids etc... For all intensive purposes i'm just waiting to get laid off anymore. I cant seem to pull the trigger myself and up and quit. I cant find anything that will pay me what i make now. and No one wants to make the tough choices IE sell the house move to something smaller so I can maybe get something else that works better etc.. So I sit here stagnent hopeing to get laid off one day so that then I'll be FORCED to make the changes I should make. Thing is I'm not fool it would be wiser for me to do this in my timeframe. IE sell my house move to something smaller then take another job making less if thats what will make me happy and keep me sane. If I have to do this under the gun because I got fired its not going to work out as well as it could. But again my wife doesnt want to sell the house etc.. No one wants there boat rocked so my hands are tied I sit here and grin and bear it.

The upside is I dont think any other employer would tolerate me and how i've been in the last however many years. The beuty of that tho is its given me the chance to recover from drinking get myself healthy and repair stuff in my life. and still get a paycheck along the way. But I'm at the point now where I'd like to close this chapter and move to the next but my hands are tied.

alwayssober1

Arrhh right, you've got responsibilities, respect to you, your trying to balance a good life for your family with your own sanity, I've heard an almost identical dilemma with a mate of mine, he works 12 hours a days, hates it, but can't do anything about it because of his responsibilities, no other job in that salary scale.

I think its a very good idea to live below your means, be it a smaller house, cheaper car, have enough money to save/invest, a nice little nest egg for a rainy day/retirement, so you don't have to live paycheck to paycheck, under the mercy of your employer.

But like you say, if you can get away with slacking now and again then good on ya!