Help to handle a difficult situation
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2009
Posts: 22
Help to handle a difficult situation
Hi. I quit drinking almost 5 years ago. I have to say that I have done very well with very few difficult moments in the past years, except for one problem that has come up some times and that yesterday night came out really harshly.
As I said i quit drinking almost 5 years ago (it will be 5 years in september) and, for almost 4 years now, I'm happily engaded with a girl that knows everything about my past with alcohol (I was very open with her about my problems from the start...) and that has never had any herself. She almost never drinks and when she does she limits to one glass of wine during the whole night.
The problem I'm talking about comes out when we are out toghter with other people expecially during dinners, after dinners or special occasions.
Yesterday night we were invited at her cousin's wedding party. We were assigned for dinner at a table with other 8 people, six boys and two girls, my girlfriend knew some of them by sight from many years before (she moved from her little town where the weeding took place to my big city almost 4 years ago) I instead was a complete stranger to all of them.
First of all the boys were not very friendly to me, but that was not the problem, the problem arose when I politely told them that I drink only water like I always do on this occasions: they started to offer me repeatedly glasses full of wine in a very insistent manner, then they even became rude saying things like "Why don't you drink, are you ill?", or : "Are you an alcoholich or something?" and then they started to make fun of me on top of that. This situation went on for more or less an hour, at that time I was full and to avoid staring to beeing rude myself I get up from the table and went to the bathroom. My girlfriend followed me and I told her very harsly (as I was more than upset about the situation) that she knew about my past problems and that she should have advised me about these people so I could decide if I was willing to go to the wedding anyway or skip it. I also added that i was very surpriesed that she knew people with such bad manners and habits.
She than, to my suprise, proceeded to attack me verbally saying that this thing that I have with people that drink was putting her in a difficult situation with her cousin and she even told me that "It would have been better if I drank like everybody else".
I must tell you that I was so stressed by the whole situation that, for the first time in years, the tought of going back to that table and dirnk flashed trough my mind. Hopefully I managed to fight it back and finished the night alone on a bench in the park waiting for her to go home.
Today I woke up really scared because I realized I was so close to a relapse and, on top of that, my girlfriend is still mad at me because "I ruined the night for her and her cousin with my behaviour".
Well, for the future, what can I do to handle a situation like the one I descibed better?
Thank you in advance!
As I said i quit drinking almost 5 years ago (it will be 5 years in september) and, for almost 4 years now, I'm happily engaded with a girl that knows everything about my past with alcohol (I was very open with her about my problems from the start...) and that has never had any herself. She almost never drinks and when she does she limits to one glass of wine during the whole night.
The problem I'm talking about comes out when we are out toghter with other people expecially during dinners, after dinners or special occasions.
Yesterday night we were invited at her cousin's wedding party. We were assigned for dinner at a table with other 8 people, six boys and two girls, my girlfriend knew some of them by sight from many years before (she moved from her little town where the weeding took place to my big city almost 4 years ago) I instead was a complete stranger to all of them.
First of all the boys were not very friendly to me, but that was not the problem, the problem arose when I politely told them that I drink only water like I always do on this occasions: they started to offer me repeatedly glasses full of wine in a very insistent manner, then they even became rude saying things like "Why don't you drink, are you ill?", or : "Are you an alcoholich or something?" and then they started to make fun of me on top of that. This situation went on for more or less an hour, at that time I was full and to avoid staring to beeing rude myself I get up from the table and went to the bathroom. My girlfriend followed me and I told her very harsly (as I was more than upset about the situation) that she knew about my past problems and that she should have advised me about these people so I could decide if I was willing to go to the wedding anyway or skip it. I also added that i was very surpriesed that she knew people with such bad manners and habits.
She than, to my suprise, proceeded to attack me verbally saying that this thing that I have with people that drink was putting her in a difficult situation with her cousin and she even told me that "It would have been better if I drank like everybody else".
I must tell you that I was so stressed by the whole situation that, for the first time in years, the tought of going back to that table and dirnk flashed trough my mind. Hopefully I managed to fight it back and finished the night alone on a bench in the park waiting for her to go home.
Today I woke up really scared because I realized I was so close to a relapse and, on top of that, my girlfriend is still mad at me because "I ruined the night for her and her cousin with my behaviour".
Well, for the future, what can I do to handle a situation like the one I descibed better?
Thank you in advance!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2014
Posts: 306
Well, I truly feel sorry that you had to endure such boorish behavior. IMO, the only people who would ridicule you for not drinking are people who have drinking problems themselves. I too would have been very upset to be treated so rudely and insensitively. I probably would not have shown such restraint and class and you should be applauded for not making a scene.
It is important for us to establish and enforce boundaries with which we are comfortable. I can't speak to your relationship with your GF; but it certainly seems you need to communicate about this issue. Also, you didn't drink, so BRAVO!
It is important for us to establish and enforce boundaries with which we are comfortable. I can't speak to your relationship with your GF; but it certainly seems you need to communicate about this issue. Also, you didn't drink, so BRAVO!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: C.C. Ma.
Posts: 3,697
Hi. Congratulations on not drinking! Our #1 priority is to NOT pick up the first drink. Your situation is a reason I usually choose to not attend drinking situations and I’ve not had a desire to drink for many years. It’s that we don’t know what might happen when alcohol is flowing.
We choose to not drink for our own safety, not someone elses insecurities about themselves.
BE WELL
We choose to not drink for our own safety, not someone elses insecurities about themselves.
BE WELL
not little, a stranger no more
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: in the crowd
Posts: 410
Hi Adepitice,
First, I'm really sorry that you had to make such a bad experience at the wedding, and congratulations on still staying strong. I think it very important that you spoke up for yourself and I can imagine that you feel hurt and abandoned because your fiancée did not support you in this situation.
I think your finacée reacted in a quite inconsiderate way, but there may be several reasons why she reacted this way. I think that you need to talk this through. Preferably when the mood is not too negative. You know her for quite some time, so you'll probably know if it is best to adress this right away or if it is better to first let the situation cool down a bit.
One possibility is that your partner reacted that way because she was responding to you being stressed out and maybe adressing the issue in a harsh tone. In that case, maybe the argument just became too heated and she also felt attacked and judged because you said you didn't know that she knew such rude people (relatives?)
But still, you need to tell her that you need a solution how to adress this situation in the future. Is she willing to discuss this with you, and will there be otions that you both are ok with?
Is she aware that her support is important to you and that you cannot risk your sobriety for one evening of fun? If you could drink like anybody else you wouldn't have quit in the first place? You don't need to justify your sobriety in front of strangers, but on the other hand, maybe it would have shut them up. Still, it is your choice and their behaviour was disrespectful and out of line.
Or is it on the other hand possible that this are her general views on you not drinking? That is a more severe problem, especially since she probably knew from the beginning that you were in recovery. I think sometimes it is hard for non-alcoholics to imagine how it is. I recently had a good friend ask me after 5 years of sobriety if I thought I was really an alcoholic (she never saw the worst of my drinking). But we know better. Would she rather want a boyfriend that is your old drinking self than a guy who causes her the mild inconvenience of refusing drinks offered by strangers?
I hope you and your girlfriend can sort this out. Good luck, and all the best,
Simone
First, I'm really sorry that you had to make such a bad experience at the wedding, and congratulations on still staying strong. I think it very important that you spoke up for yourself and I can imagine that you feel hurt and abandoned because your fiancée did not support you in this situation.
I think your finacée reacted in a quite inconsiderate way, but there may be several reasons why she reacted this way. I think that you need to talk this through. Preferably when the mood is not too negative. You know her for quite some time, so you'll probably know if it is best to adress this right away or if it is better to first let the situation cool down a bit.
One possibility is that your partner reacted that way because she was responding to you being stressed out and maybe adressing the issue in a harsh tone. In that case, maybe the argument just became too heated and she also felt attacked and judged because you said you didn't know that she knew such rude people (relatives?)
But still, you need to tell her that you need a solution how to adress this situation in the future. Is she willing to discuss this with you, and will there be otions that you both are ok with?
Is she aware that her support is important to you and that you cannot risk your sobriety for one evening of fun? If you could drink like anybody else you wouldn't have quit in the first place? You don't need to justify your sobriety in front of strangers, but on the other hand, maybe it would have shut them up. Still, it is your choice and their behaviour was disrespectful and out of line.
Or is it on the other hand possible that this are her general views on you not drinking? That is a more severe problem, especially since she probably knew from the beginning that you were in recovery. I think sometimes it is hard for non-alcoholics to imagine how it is. I recently had a good friend ask me after 5 years of sobriety if I thought I was really an alcoholic (she never saw the worst of my drinking). But we know better. Would she rather want a boyfriend that is your old drinking self than a guy who causes her the mild inconvenience of refusing drinks offered by strangers?
I hope you and your girlfriend can sort this out. Good luck, and all the best,
Simone
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Ireland
Posts: 25,826
What does your fiance say when she gets offered another drink? I always think it's fascinating how non drinkers, or those who don't drink much, who don't have a problem with alcohol can be so casual and say I'll just have a softdrink or water, if she only has 1 glass at social events, there must be a point when she says something similar.
I wouldn't get into the ins and outs with people, just say "I don't drink alcohol, it's a personal choice, so I'll have a water thanks", keep it casual and relax . . . you simply don't drink, don't get into the reasons.
I was surprised at my first few social events including weddings, that loads of people don't drink, you are now in that category, no one goes up to grandma at a wedding and gives her a hard time for not drinking, so stand your ground and have confidence in your decision.
I wouldn't get into the ins and outs with people, just say "I don't drink alcohol, it's a personal choice, so I'll have a water thanks", keep it casual and relax . . . you simply don't drink, don't get into the reasons.
I was surprised at my first few social events including weddings, that loads of people don't drink, you are now in that category, no one goes up to grandma at a wedding and gives her a hard time for not drinking, so stand your ground and have confidence in your decision.
Canine Welfare Advocate
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Norfolk, VA
Posts: 10,962
Originally Posted by Adepitice 
Well, for the future, what can I do to handle a situation like the one I descibed better?
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
I think taking jabs at your girlfriend was the thing that set her off...sounds like.
There comes a time when I have to be confident in my non-drinking and be able to express that in a way that is not at all ambiguous. It's no one's business why I don't drink.
If your girlfriend tells people you don't drink because of alcoholism and you don't want her to, that's a different thing.
I think there are some people in the world (like those guys) who feed on others' weaknesses. They are a type of bully who like to see people squirm or feel uncomfortable. I have to be able to stand up to them or they take even further advantage.
Good luck. Hey, you didn't drink. The rest is just noise.
There comes a time when I have to be confident in my non-drinking and be able to express that in a way that is not at all ambiguous. It's no one's business why I don't drink.
If your girlfriend tells people you don't drink because of alcoholism and you don't want her to, that's a different thing.
I think there are some people in the world (like those guys) who feed on others' weaknesses. They are a type of bully who like to see people squirm or feel uncomfortable. I have to be able to stand up to them or they take even further advantage.
Good luck. Hey, you didn't drink. The rest is just noise.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 1,997
Hi Adepitice,
Eeek. First of all those people were incredible rude. There is a possibility the rudeness had something to do with what was in their glasses most of the day. Be happy you weren't one of them. Unless they are total morons, there is a good chance they ain't feeling all that great about their behavior today. And if it doesn't bother them...they are rude bullies. I'd rather be known as the ill alcoholic than a rude bully. Just me.
Strip away the subject matter and let's just look at how to handle rude people in general. Exit stage left. Very difficult to change someone when they are being rude. We either have to take it with a grain of salt and just politely excuse ourselves leaving them to their fun and games or politely point out they are out of line. Tough call at a wedding though.
I wonder if there are any wedding receptions that don't have some form of sh*t going down at some point? I've seen and heard plenty of stories myself. Wonder what it is about them. I suspect the open bar has something to do with it.
I don't know. As far as your fiancé is concerned if it were me I would just ask her what she is really mad about. She may not even really know other than it just didn't turn out well in general. Might as well just ask and calmly talk about it. Stick with sharing how you both feel and leave the wedding details in the background. It would be good practice when you get married. You will disagree again. Might as well get practice on how to navigate through it.
Hope it goes well. Hey, great job on the almost 5 years. Great job handling people trying to push you right to the edge and you not folding. Great job.
Just my opinion. That's all.
Eeek. First of all those people were incredible rude. There is a possibility the rudeness had something to do with what was in their glasses most of the day. Be happy you weren't one of them. Unless they are total morons, there is a good chance they ain't feeling all that great about their behavior today. And if it doesn't bother them...they are rude bullies. I'd rather be known as the ill alcoholic than a rude bully. Just me.
Strip away the subject matter and let's just look at how to handle rude people in general. Exit stage left. Very difficult to change someone when they are being rude. We either have to take it with a grain of salt and just politely excuse ourselves leaving them to their fun and games or politely point out they are out of line. Tough call at a wedding though.
I wonder if there are any wedding receptions that don't have some form of sh*t going down at some point? I've seen and heard plenty of stories myself. Wonder what it is about them. I suspect the open bar has something to do with it.
I don't know. As far as your fiancé is concerned if it were me I would just ask her what she is really mad about. She may not even really know other than it just didn't turn out well in general. Might as well just ask and calmly talk about it. Stick with sharing how you both feel and leave the wedding details in the background. It would be good practice when you get married. You will disagree again. Might as well get practice on how to navigate through it.
Hope it goes well. Hey, great job on the almost 5 years. Great job handling people trying to push you right to the edge and you not folding. Great job.
Just my opinion. That's all.
Lovin Life
Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: Vancouver island
Posts: 16
Well first of all CONGRATS on almost 5 years sober and for not slipping up at the wedding. Now as for your "fiancee" first she owes you a huge apology second you needed to talk about this with her and tell her in no uncertain terms that she can't say **** like that. She needs to be on your team. Of course this is my opinion and more experienced people on here might disagree with me. I might have a bit of some anger issues as I probably would of smacked a few of them and then left or maybe just thought about it LOL. The main thing here is you were in one of the most challenging times of your sobriety and came out victorious!!!! Talk with her and if she doesn't understand then In my opinion you have two choices. One try never to get in that position again or unfourtunately maybe the two of you should reevaluate your relationship. Good luck to you and thanks for sharing. BE STRONG! !!!! Lots of love!!!!!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 3,677
Adepitice,
I am going to guess at your age, but I would venture to say you are still pretty young. So many of us here who are older are probably looking at your reaction to those people with a great deal of understanding. But we are also thinking of ourselves in that situation (at least I am), if ONLY I knew then what I know now!
The reality of the situation is that NONE of those people are important in your life. If they are important in your fiancé's life, you may need to rethink what you share in common with her in terms of your worldview and what really matters.
Peer groups are definitely stronger entities in our youth, for sure. Ignore them. Their comments were stupid and selfish, and like another poster said above, they probably are insecure about their own drinking habits. If they were not, there would have been no reason to comment.
Lastly, it's about time at 5 years into your non-drinking status that you begin to view yourself as a "non-drinker." It truly is an identity shift, and it requires no defending. Once that shift truly occurs and you own your new identity, any affronts to it are just silly. It is just who you are, period, end of story, no explanations required.
I'd check out the Secular Recovery section of SR and read about AVRT. It suits a lot of us and you will find LOTS of secure non-drinkers there.
We do understand, though. The kinds of behaviors you describe really are adolescent, and you do not need to engage in conversations with people like that. If you find yourself at a table of people like that again, be secure in yourself and just smile at them and say, "NO, thanks." You don't even need to explain that you don't drink alcohol. It isn't their business what you drink.
By the way, I'm in a profession where there's always LOTS of celebrating going on (usually with champagne) and I am offered a glass most of the time. If there is no sparkling cider offered for me, I accept the champagne and lift the glass to my lips during the toast, but I don't take a sip. If you can handle it, just let them force a glass of wine on you and let it sit on the table, untouched.
In early sobriety, I would not suggest that. Or ever, for some. For me? That works.
I am going to guess at your age, but I would venture to say you are still pretty young. So many of us here who are older are probably looking at your reaction to those people with a great deal of understanding. But we are also thinking of ourselves in that situation (at least I am), if ONLY I knew then what I know now!
The reality of the situation is that NONE of those people are important in your life. If they are important in your fiancé's life, you may need to rethink what you share in common with her in terms of your worldview and what really matters.
Peer groups are definitely stronger entities in our youth, for sure. Ignore them. Their comments were stupid and selfish, and like another poster said above, they probably are insecure about their own drinking habits. If they were not, there would have been no reason to comment.
Lastly, it's about time at 5 years into your non-drinking status that you begin to view yourself as a "non-drinker." It truly is an identity shift, and it requires no defending. Once that shift truly occurs and you own your new identity, any affronts to it are just silly. It is just who you are, period, end of story, no explanations required.
I'd check out the Secular Recovery section of SR and read about AVRT. It suits a lot of us and you will find LOTS of secure non-drinkers there.
We do understand, though. The kinds of behaviors you describe really are adolescent, and you do not need to engage in conversations with people like that. If you find yourself at a table of people like that again, be secure in yourself and just smile at them and say, "NO, thanks." You don't even need to explain that you don't drink alcohol. It isn't their business what you drink.
By the way, I'm in a profession where there's always LOTS of celebrating going on (usually with champagne) and I am offered a glass most of the time. If there is no sparkling cider offered for me, I accept the champagne and lift the glass to my lips during the toast, but I don't take a sip. If you can handle it, just let them force a glass of wine on you and let it sit on the table, untouched.
In early sobriety, I would not suggest that. Or ever, for some. For me? That works.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: illinois
Posts: 907
If i am exposed to persistent rudeness, the only people that get any second chances are family, close friends, and those im being PAID to deal with. with family and friends, i can ask point blank:"so, whats up?!".
chances are, if you would have started imbibing, you would have still been a target for some kind of b.s. ridicule.
i also question any pressure regarding alc. drinking. why arent people insistent about tea when they are drinking it? can you imagine? -"dont you want some tea? just one glass! is something wrong with you?!".
just sayin. theres a reason or two people zone in on this. its usually not said by folks with no issues. i think some people resent the sober. i remember feeling that way a couple times, but only after i started my own internal "do i have a problem?" dialog.
when i was in my completely care-free using stage, i didnt give a hoot about what was in other glasses. i had my own to worry about!
chances are, if you would have started imbibing, you would have still been a target for some kind of b.s. ridicule.
i also question any pressure regarding alc. drinking. why arent people insistent about tea when they are drinking it? can you imagine? -"dont you want some tea? just one glass! is something wrong with you?!".
just sayin. theres a reason or two people zone in on this. its usually not said by folks with no issues. i think some people resent the sober. i remember feeling that way a couple times, but only after i started my own internal "do i have a problem?" dialog.
when i was in my completely care-free using stage, i didnt give a hoot about what was in other glasses. i had my own to worry about!
EndGame
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 4,677
It's difficult to determine from your comments, Adepitice, whether or not you were being overly sensitive to those who prodded you to drink, or that they were simply boorish people who are representative of the other numerous people who only object to bad behavior when someone else is doing it.
On the face of it, your girlfriend's reaction to all this seems a bit over-the-top, so I'm curious as to whether or not you've been in any kind of similar situation before this.
On the face of it, your girlfriend's reaction to all this seems a bit over-the-top, so I'm curious as to whether or not you've been in any kind of similar situation before this.
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