Wendolene

I did make excuses for not going to my closest friend, but I have barely left the house for days and another friend has persuaded me to go, as they think it will do me good.

This will probably be the first social occasion I have been to where the majority will be drinking (the friend who persuaded me to go doesn't drink, however). This was largely the reason for me originally turning down the invite. I was told that the other people attending were warned not to bring wine, which made me feel awkward for two reasons - it means that my 'secret' may be out of the bag to a bunch of people I barely know and have only met once (last time they saw me, I only had two drinks the entire evening and it was nearly two years ago, long before my drinking spiralled out of control), and people are skirting around me, altering their behaviour because of me. I would never expect anyone to do that. I'm already thinking that these people, who my friend wanted me to get to know better, are just thinking 'oh, another alchie', and I may as well go wearing a placard or something .

The other thing is: I suffer from crippling shyness. Watching everyone else all relaxed, happy and chatty, whilst I am pressurised by the person hosting it to talk to people more (she has often ended up doing this in the past) and feeling extremely tense, doesn't sound like much fun to me. I know I shouldn't need drink to be able to talk to people I don't know, but it sure helped.

I hate being 'different'. Being the watcher on the walls. Even before alcoholism truly struck last year, I have always had trouble fitting in. It's like sitting in the canteen at school all by myself, wishing I could join in with a group of people, chatting happily. Or watching the other kids play together in the playground.

Has anyone else coped at a similar occasion this early in recovery? I'd also love to hear from people who suffer from social anxiety, or any kind of anxiety disorder. I just need some reassurance really, as I am so scared and nervous.

I know things won't get better for me if I keep avoiding situations. I just can't bear to watch other people, not affected by this 'affliction', enjoying themselves, knowing I will not be able to for the rest of my life unless I sort my thinking out.

in advance!

Dee74

I don't really enjoy social occasions.

I fought that for many a year and that awkwardness was at the heart of a lot of my drinking.

I don't fight it anymore. It's me. Outside of my small close circle I'm friendly enough but pretty shy and not terribly loquacious.

People either get me or they don't.

I used to break my back trying to get people to like me.
Now I know some people won't like me, or understand me - and I'm ok with that.

I think it's a process wendolene.

I understand wanting to get better with social skills, but I also it's ok to have those smaller get togethers with close friends first, and then work up.

I hope the BBQ turns out ok. When in doubt about conversation, ask questions of people...it really works

D

IOAA2

hi. personally I would not go under the circumstances discribed but that's me. if your in the program and you do go I'd strongly suggest bringing a program person with you for support. it will work if we work it.

BE WELL

Luper

I have always been "a loner". Terribly shy and introverted. Anxiety issues my whole life.

Everyone tells me I need to get out and meet new, sober friends. I understand, but not sure I will ever change the way I feel. I am comfortable with my very few, close friends and being by myself. I think we are all different, and that is not wrong IMO.

I wish you the best. Go with your gut regarding the BBQ. Do what's best for you.

doggonecarl

Your friend thinks it will do you good? Your friend doesn't have crippling social anxiety and isn't trying to quit drinking.

Doesn't sound like fun to me.

jdooner

Based on what you describe I would not go. I think there is a voice inside you trying to protect you and its coming out in your words. To me this is a battle between your sober self and your AV.

Either way I wish you the best with the decision and the event. If you do go have a exit plan early and some type of safety in place.

BTW - I did this type of stuff in early sobriety and it almost killed my sobriety. I had to leave these events and I still don't like them.

zjw

I'm not going to tell you to not trya nd overcome your shyness but accepting who you are for what you are is fine too. I kept thinking my anxiety or shyness intereacting with others was somehow some kind of a flaw with me. I later realized its just how i am and I"m much happier and more content to be the quiet guy in the corner. Some people love to socialize some people dont its no big deal. Thats the conclusion i've come too. It bothers some people that i'm so anti social but there the ones that are bothered by it not me. to me I see it as this is how I am I'm not harming anyone I'll bust out of my shell every now and then but otherwise I am who I am accept it it.

I got tired of feeling bad about myself because i didnt fit the mold everyone else felt I should fit.

SonomaGal

You are 5 months in (from your signature) so it seems you have a good handle on sobriety, but still social events with drinking are hard, even for extroverts (which I'm not). My recommendation is to an exit strategy and use it if you need to! You might find that it's fun, and you're glad you went, or you might find that it's stressful and irritating. Either way you'll learn a bit about yourself. Stay strong!

Leshar

Hi Wendolene,

How are you? Did you go to the BBQ?
I want to say that I understand your discomfort about your shyness and social anxiety. I have this too. The responses here have helped me. We're good people at heart. We mustn't let ourselves be judged by others.
You're doing so well, be proud of yourself!
Best wishes.

newwestdork

I hear you on the social anxiety part - I'm pretty introverted as well and often thought the booze would help me with interacting with people. Well, I interacted with them alright, just often not how I or they would have liked.

Did you wind up going? How did it go?

Hope you're well.

TucTee

This. It's easy to project yourself as a social butterfly when you're drinking and your own perceptive capacity is imbued. After all, you're part of the "group" and socializing care-free with a few drinks in you. But, that's the dangerous beauty of alcohol and other mind-altering substances: it can deceive you and create false expectations and needs regarding socialization.

This all presumes that you used to be more gregarious when drinking and now struggle to be the same way sober. Even if you've always had a tough time being social--sober or drunk--the only way now to come to terms with diminished social skills is to come to terms with who you are and what you prefer. Countless people--myself included--find themselves much less socially-inclined once the alcohol source is capped.

Like Dee said, it's a matter of being happy. If you can be happy not being a social butterfly and having a small circle of friends, enjoy that. But most of all, enjoy yourself. No matter how many friends one has, everyone's alone at some point in the day.

Wendolene

Hi there,

I just wanted to thank everyone for their insightful and kind replies.

I did go in the end, but I have definitely gained from the experience. The friend who took me also has pretty extreme social anxiety, so I wasn't alone (it's bad that misery loves company, and I wish none of us had to suffer this, but at least my friend had empathy towards my situation and the fact that I might want to escape if it was too much).

Part of the evening hit a nerve. My friend who was hosting the BBQ knows that wine was my first love, but I was kind of naive in thinking that because of this, they would all be drinking beer and spirits. Out came my favourite dark fruit cider, and I had to stare at glasses of it, and the box of cans, all evening. Before I drank alcoholically, my partner introduced me to this drink, but when I was battling alcoholism and the withdrawals from wine, he would suggest that, if I had to drink to stop myself from having a seizure or the DTs, then something weaker like fruit cider would be better. It triggered some uncomfortable memories of my illness when it became pretty advanced, but in a way, this was a good thing, as I thought 'why on earth would I want to go back there again'?

I spent a good while playing in the sandbox and Wendy house with my goddaughter, which was lovely, as I hadn't seen her for a long time, and my friend kept saying 'how much her daughter had missed her aunty'. I got to be a big kid for a bit, and it kept me away from the alcohol. My friend and her children are like family to me, and it made me feel loved, and like my existence was not useless, and worth so much more than drinking myself into an early grave. I want to be around to see them grow up, to start school, go to college, get their first job, and hopefully, at some point, have kids of my own.

I am grateful to have the circle of friends that I do, as, albeit small, every single person inside it means so much to me. I'd pick quality over quantity any day.

The other people there also seemed very pleasant, so, all in all, it was a lovely evening. My anxiety was very troublesome at some points, but the fact I got through it without a drink has made me feel like I have grown that little bit stronger as a person.

Leshar

Wendolene, thanks for the update!
I'm glad you did well.

MesaMan

Sounds quite like one of my early BBQ 'Triumphs'. Well done! Regrettably, the World doesn't quit Drinking solely because we do, eh?

I got 'hooked' on Strong Cider in your Region during one of many my Biz [and Pleasure] Trips. Finally eased off of that over time pre-RR Sobriety decision.

What our mutual Claymation Pal 'Wallace' said in one Video pertains to your masterful BBQ experience: 'Well, that went about as well as expected!'

Gonnachange

Congratulations on following through with your plan.

SonomaGal

That sounds like a wonderful and challenging evening! Hopefully next time you can do lunch or ice cream with them and remove the alcohol from the equation (:

EndGameNYC

Social anxiety is a very real and extremely debilitating condition. Personally, I very much cherish my time alone, but I also benefit from social interactions and would never think of replacing them with virtual interpersonal engagements. My life and my work are much more fulfilling with genuine relationships and my chosen interactions with other people. But this is not the case for everyone. Yet when solitude turns to isolation, and our lack of connection only produces increasing anxiety, an ongoing existential sense of dread and an overwhelming feeling of being all alone in the Universe, then I would recommend that something else needs to be tried.

One of the problems with those who struggle with "crippling shyness," introversion (as though 'introversion' were a diagnosis) or social anxiety is that they convince themselves that they need to behave in ways that will avoid having strangers and other people reject them socially, the most horrifying of all possible outcomes. By doing so, they imagine other people as being harsh and critical, giving over a tremendous amount of power to what people think of them; they become someone who they are not, which is both extremely alienating and exhausting. Twisting one's self or one's true nature into grotesque representations of what we think we need to be in order to avoid the potential suffering seemingly inherent in social interactions is also extremely painful. Even small signs of potential dislike or rejection from others are magnified way out of proportion, and the fear of trying to survive yet another social event becomes increasingly distorted and distorting, often eventuating in the person remaining largely home-bound. Social anxiety is nothing if not a distortion of our expectations and fears around being with other people, often to the extent that we either consciously or unconsciously anticipate total self-annihilation.

There is no clinical reality of agoraphobia without either panic attacks or severe anxiety. Yes, the fear often becomes crippling, and the person learns to live a solitary life, with perhaps one or two notable exceptions. In this day and age -- and as a reference to a different thread on SR -- the Internet, PCs, iPads and smart phones fill the void of social interactions, again leaving the person increasingly isolated, though there are also cases in which people are able to better access and engage the "outside world" (and it truly becomes something that is very much "on the outside") in ways that are unavailable in face-to-face engagements. (By itself, this is a huge topic, and I cannot do justice to my own thoughts, experiences and beliefs on this on a message board.)

When you work on building a better life, making yourself a stronger and more responsible and responsive individual, become more aligned with your genuine self, you will also learn to better manage (and not just survive) situations in life that used to make you cower in fear while you were drinking. The plan is simple, but we tend to make its execution unnecessarily daunting, relegating it to a long list of things that we "just can't do."

If we can't or won't make a life for ourselves, why else are we here?

aborkie

At the next gathering if someone offers me a drink or asks why I'm not drinking, I will just say I'm not into drinking anymore, which is the truth. At the same time, I would not be surprised if anybody even questions me.