Does the awkwardness go away?
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Ohio
Posts: 3,785
It took me a while to get comfortable in my own skin. I was always worried I was saying the wrong thing or acting the wrong way and I realized that was one of the reasons I liked to drink in the beginning. To fit in, to relax, to feel like one of the gang, to not have the anxiety about what I was saying nor doing.
I never learned to get past that and just accept myself for who I am much less give others a chance to like me for me.
Give it some time. I am not sure how long you have been sober but it does get easier.
I never learned to get past that and just accept myself for who I am much less give others a chance to like me for me.
Give it some time. I am not sure how long you have been sober but it does get easier.
Guest
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: The Deep South
Posts: 14,636
The social awkwardness is starting to get better for me at 445 days. I'm feeling much more confident in my own skin. Not so worried about what others think of me. It's a mindset and mentality thing too. Once you start reading recovery literature, affirmations, and putting a few boundaries into place here and there, you see what a difference it makes. And seeing that I can actually improve in these ways makes me never want to jeopardize my sobriety.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 5,229
3 years and i'm still not good at any of that. when i was a kid I had no problem fitting in i was the center of attention even the ring leader if you will. Then i changed schools one year I became the outcast at the new school i had no friends etc.. then I changed schools again the same routine started hanging out with the kids that did drugs etc.. they where the only ones that accepted me. I never really fit in anywhere after all that.
Point is I know at one time i was able to mingle with no issue with other people. Somewhere along the line that went out the window.
I fake it pretty well when i need too. Put up a front let everything believe i'm mr social if thats the front i gotta put out. inside its a differnt thing going on and i'm glad to be away from the situation later on.
I'm always worried I'll say the wrong thing. I always make the most offensive jokes to the wrong crowd etc.. Insert foot My wife even tells me i have no filter for my mouth it just falls out. so sometimes its easier for me to just be that quiet guy in the corner where I know i'm causing no harm.
Point is I know at one time i was able to mingle with no issue with other people. Somewhere along the line that went out the window.
I fake it pretty well when i need too. Put up a front let everything believe i'm mr social if thats the front i gotta put out. inside its a differnt thing going on and i'm glad to be away from the situation later on.
I'm always worried I'll say the wrong thing. I always make the most offensive jokes to the wrong crowd etc.. Insert foot My wife even tells me i have no filter for my mouth it just falls out. so sometimes its easier for me to just be that quiet guy in the corner where I know i'm causing no harm.
Forum Leader
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 16,945
I guess it depends on what social situations you are talking about. I would frankly not feel all that comfortable in a bar ever, and i don't think I would or should - i don't drink so there's no reason for me to hang out at bars or parties dedicated solely to drinking ( bachelor parties, guy's drinking weekends at the cabin, etc )
I do feel comfortable and have no issue with weddings, celebrations, or other activities where alcohol is served, but not the main reason for being there.
I do feel comfortable and have no issue with weddings, celebrations, or other activities where alcohol is served, but not the main reason for being there.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: illinois
Posts: 907
prob different for everybody.
im pretty comfortable with my close circle now, and once warmed up(when the greetings are finally done), i seem to be doing better already, at 4 months out.
alot of my socialization was just a bunch of folks getting sloppy and loud. as for those situations-im still avoiding, but not really missing.
i figure theres a perfectly good reason i dont enjoy crowds. they are dumb, rude and easily dangerous. ability to feel comfortable in crowds is a conditioning. we have to learn it. probably why im more of a country mouse.
im pretty comfortable with my close circle now, and once warmed up(when the greetings are finally done), i seem to be doing better already, at 4 months out.
alot of my socialization was just a bunch of folks getting sloppy and loud. as for those situations-im still avoiding, but not really missing.
i figure theres a perfectly good reason i dont enjoy crowds. they are dumb, rude and easily dangerous. ability to feel comfortable in crowds is a conditioning. we have to learn it. probably why im more of a country mouse.
pray for strength
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: New England
Posts: 2,414
Hi Dreamer0,
A few weeks into my committed soberness I felt generally whacky 100% of the time. Like I was not used to using my own legs. At this time, I went to my first social event, a neighborhood outdoor barbecue. While walking there, can of fizzy water in hand, I felt anxious - like just before the gun goes off before the sprint of a cross-country race. Upon arrival, my eyes were open a little too wide, my mouth a little too dry, talked a little too fast, too jumpy...you know, adrenaline flowing so I had to make a conscious effort to slow-it-down.
When my neighbor handed me a 'Dark and Stormy', I jumped out of the way like she was wielding Kryptonite (and I was Supergirl), we locked eyes and that split-second was AWWK-WARD for me, to say the least. But it was just a split-second and I said "no thanks, I'm good with my water". The problem over the next 15 minutes is that the drink was offered 2 more times!! and I had not pre-meditated what to DO or SAY after my initial 'no thanks' and I became increasingly uncomfortable. No one at the BBQ had any idea what was up. They did not really care. It was me who was wicked uncomfortable. Did they sense anything...I have no idea. It was a gorgeous day and I took off after 20minutes (which I did premeditate, amen).
This past weekend, a few months into soberness, I went to my first wedding while sober - there was an open bar. Asking for fizzy water with lemon was an enormous boost and I did my best to chow-down on the good food and desserts. Danced. Had great conversation. Fun. No big deal really.
BUT, I am only a few months into soberness and will not put myself in situations that were once acquaintance and alcohol soaked. Not going there. Do not know when I will choose to do so. This would be ridiculously uncomfortable for me in so many ways right now...even if I brought my laptop and stayed logged into SR for support.
What kind of socializing and situations are inducing awkwardness right now for you, Dreamer0?
A few weeks into my committed soberness I felt generally whacky 100% of the time. Like I was not used to using my own legs. At this time, I went to my first social event, a neighborhood outdoor barbecue. While walking there, can of fizzy water in hand, I felt anxious - like just before the gun goes off before the sprint of a cross-country race. Upon arrival, my eyes were open a little too wide, my mouth a little too dry, talked a little too fast, too jumpy...you know, adrenaline flowing so I had to make a conscious effort to slow-it-down.
When my neighbor handed me a 'Dark and Stormy', I jumped out of the way like she was wielding Kryptonite (and I was Supergirl), we locked eyes and that split-second was AWWK-WARD for me, to say the least. But it was just a split-second and I said "no thanks, I'm good with my water". The problem over the next 15 minutes is that the drink was offered 2 more times!! and I had not pre-meditated what to DO or SAY after my initial 'no thanks' and I became increasingly uncomfortable. No one at the BBQ had any idea what was up. They did not really care. It was me who was wicked uncomfortable. Did they sense anything...I have no idea. It was a gorgeous day and I took off after 20minutes (which I did premeditate, amen).
This past weekend, a few months into soberness, I went to my first wedding while sober - there was an open bar. Asking for fizzy water with lemon was an enormous boost and I did my best to chow-down on the good food and desserts. Danced. Had great conversation. Fun. No big deal really.
BUT, I am only a few months into soberness and will not put myself in situations that were once acquaintance and alcohol soaked. Not going there. Do not know when I will choose to do so. This would be ridiculously uncomfortable for me in so many ways right now...even if I brought my laptop and stayed logged into SR for support.
What kind of socializing and situations are inducing awkwardness right now for you, Dreamer0?
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 852
Closing in on 6 months...I can say it's gotten a lot easier being social without drinking. I guess I always had the confidence in myself, but when I was drinking...I needed the drink to be social. Now that I'm not drinking I'm slowly starting to get use to not drinking in ALL social situations life throws at you. I guess for me anyways, social situations were never difficult, alcohol just made them 100 times easier, so I drank instead. I'm now seeing I don't need the booze to feel "normal" in those situations.
Good luck to you.
Good luck to you.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: UK
Posts: 375
When you were drunk you weren't really socialising; you were just not caring what other people thought about you, and didn't care how much of a tit you looked and sounded to anyone who wasn't also blotto.
What you're doing now might feel awkward but it's a whole lot more sociable than the other option. As time goes on you'll get better and better at it and more and more comfortable.
What you're doing now might feel awkward but it's a whole lot more sociable than the other option. As time goes on you'll get better and better at it and more and more comfortable.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Indiana
Posts: 639
Just reading this thread has made me feel better. I actually kinda had this on my mind earlier tonight. I am about 8 months sober and I have seen a lot of miracles happen already in my life. However, I am kind of in an awkward place socially.
You see at one time, I was the life of the party. Maybe. LoL I used to get invited places and I'll be honest, at one time I had a lot of fun drinking and drugging with everybody else. But now it's almost like I've regressed back into being this shy stand offish person. I've never really had a lot of friends ever, but it's like I could relate to people more when I was a drunkard. I don't know. I don't want that again I know that. And most relationships that start over chemical indulgence don't last. But I do feel like a bit of an outcast right now. Just my feeling sometimes.
You see at one time, I was the life of the party. Maybe. LoL I used to get invited places and I'll be honest, at one time I had a lot of fun drinking and drugging with everybody else. But now it's almost like I've regressed back into being this shy stand offish person. I've never really had a lot of friends ever, but it's like I could relate to people more when I was a drunkard. I don't know. I don't want that again I know that. And most relationships that start over chemical indulgence don't last. But I do feel like a bit of an outcast right now. Just my feeling sometimes.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,454
I've never been good with social stuff - that's what got me into drinking...but I'm the most least bad I've ever been right now 
My friends accept me for who I am - other people who don't? meh
D
My friends accept me for who I am - other people who don't? meh
D
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 1,997
I've found that the more I try something new the better I get at it. Like a lot of things. Takes practice.
I used to be a big thinker all the time. I could spend hours researching something I wanted to work on. So far, I've yet to be able to think my problems or issues away. I have to actually do something. And for most, I wasn't great at them at first. That's okay. It got easier if I just tried to go a little bit further than the last time.
Kind of like spiders. I used to be scared of them. I would bug spray them but then I would feel bad for killing them. I decided that it wasn't fair to them and it wasn't really working for me either. They can't help they don't look like a cute kitten or puppy. They deserve to live as much as the next living thing. So I started picking them up in a jar to take outside. Then I got to where I could use a paper towel. Now I can actually just cup one in my hand and run it outside.
Stupid story but I guess what I learned was reading about overcoming my fear of spiders was not nearly as effective as actually finding out by experience my fears were mostly unfounded.
So if your uncomfortableness is fear, maybe just practice a little bit being around people. I think the way I moved on from most of my fears was just facing them and learning it was okay to be awkward at first. It got easier.
Now, I'm not talking poisonous spiders or ones that can cause a bad bite. That would be wise to stay away from those.
Same with social situations. Practice in some safe social situations at first.
Good job with the not drinking! Hang in there.
I used to be a big thinker all the time. I could spend hours researching something I wanted to work on. So far, I've yet to be able to think my problems or issues away. I have to actually do something. And for most, I wasn't great at them at first. That's okay. It got easier if I just tried to go a little bit further than the last time.
Kind of like spiders. I used to be scared of them. I would bug spray them but then I would feel bad for killing them. I decided that it wasn't fair to them and it wasn't really working for me either. They can't help they don't look like a cute kitten or puppy. They deserve to live as much as the next living thing. So I started picking them up in a jar to take outside. Then I got to where I could use a paper towel. Now I can actually just cup one in my hand and run it outside.
Stupid story but I guess what I learned was reading about overcoming my fear of spiders was not nearly as effective as actually finding out by experience my fears were mostly unfounded.
So if your uncomfortableness is fear, maybe just practice a little bit being around people. I think the way I moved on from most of my fears was just facing them and learning it was okay to be awkward at first. It got easier.
Now, I'm not talking poisonous spiders or ones that can cause a bad bite. That would be wise to stay away from those.
Same with social situations. Practice in some safe social situations at first.
Good job with the not drinking! Hang in there.
new2this
Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: Los Angeles, California
Posts: 23
Originally Posted by Dreamer0 
How far into sobriety (if ever) did the awkwardness go away? Maybe it's just me but I feel so incredibly uncomfortable socializing etc. sober.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Bay Area, California
Posts: 314
Even though I'm an introvert, I have done sales professionally for years, and it all comes down to the pitch. If you feel awkward about what to say in social situations you might come up with a few "pitches" beforehand about what you've been up to. For example: something nice or funny that's happened recently in you personal life; something new or interesting professionally; something you find interesting culturally or intellectually... Small talk is hard, but much easier if you prepare. Also think of a few questions for others yo get them talking. Most people love to talk about themselves with a good listener. And to answer your question, yes it does get easier as time goes on, definitely.
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