Clueless boyfriend preaching "willpower"
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Originally Posted by Amester 
After doing some research I've found that there are barely any Al Anon meetings in our area but there are quite a few open AA meetings close by, he says he'd be happy to go with me to some of those. That might not be a bad idea right? I need to start getting myself to some meetings anyway. Or would that just make things worse somehow?
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Originally Posted by Amester
I have a very caring, supportive boyfriend who is brand new to being in a relationship with a recovering addict/alcoholic. He admittedly knows nothing about addiction yet still feels the need to try to give me his 2 cents on the topic at times.
This morning we somehow got on the topic of wedding receptions and I was sharing how I have a bad history of getting way too drunk and having disasters at weddings. He starts saying, "I don't understand why you can't just have one or two then stop before you get out of control." I tried explaining that as an alcoholic/addict I simply don't have the ability to have just one of anything and have that be enough for me. That once I start it feels next to impossible to stop before getting totally obliterated. So he starts talking about how I need to have more "willpower." I wanted to strangle him! I keep trying to explain that willpower has nothing to do with recovery and he just isn't getting it. I think part of him hopes that someday I'll be able to drink normally with him.
He wants to understand me. He's willing to try an Al Anon meeting and we are starting counseling together next week. Is there any other way I can help him understand what this disease is all about?
This morning we somehow got on the topic of wedding receptions and I was sharing how I have a bad history of getting way too drunk and having disasters at weddings. He starts saying, "I don't understand why you can't just have one or two then stop before you get out of control." I tried explaining that as an alcoholic/addict I simply don't have the ability to have just one of anything and have that be enough for me. That once I start it feels next to impossible to stop before getting totally obliterated. So he starts talking about how I need to have more "willpower." I wanted to strangle him! I keep trying to explain that willpower has nothing to do with recovery and he just isn't getting it. I think part of him hopes that someday I'll be able to drink normally with him.
He wants to understand me. He's willing to try an Al Anon meeting and we are starting counseling together next week. Is there any other way I can help him understand what this disease is all about?
however, I would strongly encourage you to also go to closed meetings solo.
ive ran into a few people in my life that ive mentioned im in recovery. yup, got the "I just don't understand it" reply a few times. great thing is that they don't have to understand. yup, gotten suggestions from people that don't know anything about alcoholism/addiction. had one man who later on started talkin about health problems he was having, so I started talkin all this,"oh, ya just gotta do this n that" stuff.
"yer not a doctor so why tell me how to take care of me?"
"exactly!!!" was my reply.
I wonder if he got it.
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Join Date: Dec 2010
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This is an interesting twist for me.
I'm still trying to convince my son not to EVER take another drink, because after he has "just one," he does not stop until the one drink has turned into a 4 or 5 day binge, ending up with his asking people to call in sick to work for him. He usually does this after months of not drinking, thinking that on the next "long weekend" he has earned the right to "relax."
I just wonder how many years, if ever, it is going to take him to understand that for him, there is never "just one."
I'm still trying to convince my son not to EVER take another drink, because after he has "just one," he does not stop until the one drink has turned into a 4 or 5 day binge, ending up with his asking people to call in sick to work for him. He usually does this after months of not drinking, thinking that on the next "long weekend" he has earned the right to "relax."
I just wonder how many years, if ever, it is going to take him to understand that for him, there is never "just one."
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Yes, now that you think of it, that was certainly true of me.
No one could have "made" me quit drinking, any more than they could "make" me quit taking opiates.
I don't think it ever works unless you have decided it for yourself.
No one could have "made" me quit drinking, any more than they could "make" me quit taking opiates.
I don't think it ever works unless you have decided it for yourself.
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I agree with your boyfriend. It does come down to willpower. Anything else is just an excuse. In fact, I know I am in the minority here but I hate classifying it as a disease. Cancer is a disease. Consuming alcohol for us is just a bad decision. I think about drinking everyday and have even planned too but do my best to stop because like you, it doesn't end with 1 or 2. In fact, I think it is pointless to have 1 or 2. Its not like people drink vodka because it tastes good. I don't understand why the non alcoholics even consume 1 or 2. Everytime I have ever drank, the goal was too get drunk. My problem came was when I would only do it once a week to doing it nearly everyday.
I am not preaching by the way as I struggle daily not to mess up because 1 day turns into a 1 week bender for me. If you are sober for say 3 weeks, chances are all withdrawl stuff has subsided so what else does it come down to if not willpower?
I am not preaching by the way as I struggle daily not to mess up because 1 day turns into a 1 week bender for me. If you are sober for say 3 weeks, chances are all withdrawl stuff has subsided so what else does it come down to if not willpower?
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Originally Posted by NoJimmy
Maybe you can use the analogy that a "little" booze for you would be about like asking him to stop after a "little" sex. Seriously though, all he needs to understand is that he doesn't. Good deal he's supportive, I worried about that when I started dating, my GF is pretty cool with it too.
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Originally Posted by Kllme
... what else does it come down to if not willpower?
The Higher Power concept hung me up for quite some time. That hang up cost me dearly. I've come to believe now that my Higher Power... my God if you will, is my conscience. If I listen to it, and just do the next right thing, I'm ok.
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The Doctors Opinion in the big book talks about that overpowering craving after the first drink as being the manifestation of an allergy, and that is a good simple way to explain it. I am allergic to cats. No problem if I stay away from them, but if I don't I develop a reaction. There are pills that help with this.
There are other allergies like peanuts and bee stings which can have fatal consequences and bring on different symptoms to my cat allergy. Penicillin is another one.
I am also allergic to alcohol. My liver function is different to ordinary folk and it processes alcohol differently. Because of this I can never consume alcohol without becoming very ill.
As far as will power goes, alcoholics have more than most people. Just try and stop one drinking and you will find out how much will power they have. But it was never enough to maintain permanent recovery on its own.
There are other allergies like peanuts and bee stings which can have fatal consequences and bring on different symptoms to my cat allergy. Penicillin is another one.
I am also allergic to alcohol. My liver function is different to ordinary folk and it processes alcohol differently. Because of this I can never consume alcohol without becoming very ill.
As far as will power goes, alcoholics have more than most people. Just try and stop one drinking and you will find out how much will power they have. But it was never enough to maintain permanent recovery on its own.
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Originally Posted by Kllme
In fact, I think it is pointless to have 1 or 2. Its not like people drink vodka because it tastes good. I don't understand why the non alcoholics even consume 1 or 2. Everytime I have ever drank, the goal was too get drunk
And just as a side note because this just popped into my head, I'll never understand why he and my dad thought it was appropriate to drink alcohol while they were doing my intervention. That seems to me like a bit of a mixed message lol
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Originally Posted by Amester
I have a very caring, supportive boyfriend who is brand new to being in a relationship with a recovering addict/alcoholic. He admittedly knows nothing about addiction yet still feels the need to try to give me his 2 cents on the topic at times. This morning we somehow got on the topic of wedding receptions and I was sharing how I have a bad history of getting way too drunk and having disasters at weddings. He starts saying, "I don't understand why you can't just have one or two then stop before you get out of control." I tried explaining that as an alcoholic/addict I simply don't have the ability to have just one of anything and have that be enough for me. That once I start it feels next to impossible to stop before getting totally obliterated. So he starts talking about how I need to have more "willpower." I wanted to strangle him! I keep trying to explain that willpower has nothing to do with recovery and he just isn't getting it. I think part of him hopes that someday I'll be able to drink normally with him. He wants to understand me. He's willing to try an Al Anon meeting and we are starting counseling together next week. Is there any other way I can help him understand what this disease is all about?
So you're both in the same boat, right?
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Originally Posted by SoberCAH
What's willpower?
I have certainly never had it.
I have certainly never had it.
also an indicar driver.
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Originally Posted by Gottalife
As far as will power goes, alcoholics have more than most people. Just try and stop one drinking and you will find out how much will power they have.
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I think of alcoholic as being more of slave to compulsion/habit, than using willpower. Whereas, those who effecting deliberate change is exercising will. I see alcoholic as passive, and push for sobriety as assertive. I remember when I first became alcoholic, I see myself as young, wounded rebel out to party hard and die young and this was my brazen choice, but very quickly I realize that choice nowhere to be found and I was in chains.
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Originally Posted by Cow
I think of alcoholic as being more of slave to compulsion/habit, than using willpower. Whereas, those who effecting deliberate change is exercising will. I see alcoholic as passive, and push for sobriety as assertive.
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It take me while to understand my perspective is worthy, dSob. As very newly sober, cynical, and cantankerous Cow, I afraid to do harm. But in reading and reading, I see is many peoples like me.
This topic I think is very profound and interesting -and probable in reality it play out uniquely for everyone. I total understand every side. I think I has gone through every "phase" possible of alcoholism, from initial euphoric high, to long time drug of choice, to drinking lifestyle, to drinking habit, to full on addiction, to attempt to stop, to resignation that I never gonna stop, to full out battle to stop, to loss of battle, to end of road, and ultimate to surrender by attrition.
I hope nobody get caught up in willpower or no willpower, or is disease or no disease. IT NOT FREAKING MATTER. It poisoning and diminishing every aspect of you life! Important thing is to stop, ASAP. If I could tell younger self anything, at any of these stage, would be to STOP NOW via whatever mean necessary. Period.
This topic I think is very profound and interesting -and probable in reality it play out uniquely for everyone. I total understand every side. I think I has gone through every "phase" possible of alcoholism, from initial euphoric high, to long time drug of choice, to drinking lifestyle, to drinking habit, to full on addiction, to attempt to stop, to resignation that I never gonna stop, to full out battle to stop, to loss of battle, to end of road, and ultimate to surrender by attrition.
I hope nobody get caught up in willpower or no willpower, or is disease or no disease. IT NOT FREAKING MATTER. It poisoning and diminishing every aspect of you life! Important thing is to stop, ASAP. If I could tell younger self anything, at any of these stage, would be to STOP NOW via whatever mean necessary. Period.
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Originally Posted by Cow
I hope nobody get caught up in willpower or no willpower, or is disease or no disease. IT NOT FREAKING MATTER. It poisoning and diminishing every aspect of you life! Important thing is to stop, ASAP. If I could tell younger self anything, at any of these stage, would be to STOP NOW via whatever mean necessary. Period.
I do believe that every person reading this has the power within themselves to stop (and stay stopped) drinking alcohol. They may need to use that power to reach out for different kinds of support, resources and recovery plans, but the power to do so is within them. I hate that "will power" is so often seen as a solo endeavor. Strong will power isn't necessarily a static attribute or gift, it can be strengthened over time and this can be a very helpful part of the recovery process.
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