Clueless boyfriend preaching "willpower"
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Join Date: May 2014
Location: New York
Posts: 165
Clueless boyfriend preaching "willpower"
I have a very caring, supportive boyfriend who is brand new to being in a relationship with a recovering addict/alcoholic. He admittedly knows nothing about addiction yet still feels the need to try to give me his 2 cents on the topic at times.
This morning we somehow got on the topic of wedding receptions and I was sharing how I have a bad history of getting way too drunk and having disasters at weddings. He starts saying, "I don't understand why you can't just have one or two then stop before you get out of control." I tried explaining that as an alcoholic/addict I simply don't have the ability to have just one of anything and have that be enough for me. That once I start it feels next to impossible to stop before getting totally obliterated. So he starts talking about how I need to have more "willpower." I wanted to strangle him! I keep trying to explain that willpower has nothing to do with recovery and he just isn't getting it. I think part of him hopes that someday I'll be able to drink normally with him.
He wants to understand me. He's willing to try an Al Anon meeting and we are starting counseling together next week. Is there any other way I can help him understand what this disease is all about?
This morning we somehow got on the topic of wedding receptions and I was sharing how I have a bad history of getting way too drunk and having disasters at weddings. He starts saying, "I don't understand why you can't just have one or two then stop before you get out of control." I tried explaining that as an alcoholic/addict I simply don't have the ability to have just one of anything and have that be enough for me. That once I start it feels next to impossible to stop before getting totally obliterated. So he starts talking about how I need to have more "willpower." I wanted to strangle him! I keep trying to explain that willpower has nothing to do with recovery and he just isn't getting it. I think part of him hopes that someday I'll be able to drink normally with him.
He wants to understand me. He's willing to try an Al Anon meeting and we are starting counseling together next week. Is there any other way I can help him understand what this disease is all about?
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,436
Hi Amester 
I used to get upset too - and I'd try to educate people...eventually I realised - normal drinkers don't need to understand alcoholism - I do.
There's tons of support here and in other places on the web and in real life.
I'm sure your bf is trying to help. I think it's best to try and remember that, especially when you want to smack him with a skillet
D
I used to get upset too - and I'd try to educate people...eventually I realised - normal drinkers don't need to understand alcoholism - I do.
There's tons of support here and in other places on the web and in real life.
I'm sure your bf is trying to help. I think it's best to try and remember that, especially when you want to smack him with a skillet
D
Member
Join Date: May 2014
Location: Colorado
Posts: 62
Thanks for writing this. I feel the same way with the people I know sometimes. I have just recently realized myself that the only time I have "willpower" is the will to not drink AT ALL, to not put myself in those situations. Once I start drinking, there is no stopping. I hope your boyfriend learns a lot at the meetings and is willing to change his outlook!
As far as understanding the ways that alcoholism affect people, there are many threads on here and books to be suggested, but I think I'll let one of the more experienced members point you in the right direction, I am still rather new here. Haha
As far as understanding the ways that alcoholism affect people, there are many threads on here and books to be suggested, but I think I'll let one of the more experienced members point you in the right direction, I am still rather new here. Haha
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 5,229
my wife told me a few times on a few occasions that I should go ahead and get a 6 pack of my favorite brand it had been a while and surely i could handle it. Or to go ahead and order a drink with dinner. each time I had to explain to her that I shouldnt. She would then say oh come on its no big deal you can handle it you've done so well you can have a couple drinks its no big deal. I finally had to escalate it and say you dont understand I just cant have 1. I cant have any it'll never stop at 1 or 2.
It finally sunk in for her and I could tell she was like gee i guess that aspect of our lives will never be the same again. She sometimes wants to drink but is afraid to bring it in the house or do it around me. Shes worried it'll tempt me too much and such. I told her go ahead do what you wish its my problem. She says no no it might be not be fair to me. Anyhow now she'll have a few drinks with her friends if shes out then of course this makes me nervous cause she'll drive after having a couple. I'm sure shes just fine and sober to drive. But I look at it via my perspectiv there would be nothing sober about my driven if i had just drank.
My point is it might just take a little time for it to sink in for him. Unless he's an expert and feels he can educate you? Then It might be a tougher battle.
It finally sunk in for her and I could tell she was like gee i guess that aspect of our lives will never be the same again. She sometimes wants to drink but is afraid to bring it in the house or do it around me. Shes worried it'll tempt me too much and such. I told her go ahead do what you wish its my problem. She says no no it might be not be fair to me. Anyhow now she'll have a few drinks with her friends if shes out then of course this makes me nervous cause she'll drive after having a couple. I'm sure shes just fine and sober to drive. But I look at it via my perspectiv there would be nothing sober about my driven if i had just drank.
My point is it might just take a little time for it to sink in for him. Unless he's an expert and feels he can educate you? Then It might be a tougher battle.
EndGame
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 4,677
You're a trailblazer, Amester. Many people here and in the rest of the world report having serious relationship problems, yet never seek help. Or they seek help, but quit very early on for a variety of reasons (excuses). People have commented on emotional and physical abuse, emotional abandonment, psychological manipulation, infidelity, all kinds of addictions that smother the relationship, withholding sex and affection, and plain old nastiness. Though I mostly understand why people choose a living hell over living a fulfilling life, this simply does not have to be the case. There are much worse things in life than being alone.
Based on your comments, your problems are nowhere near being deal-breakers, and you're very wise to seek counsel before things crash and burn.
Based on your comments, your problems are nowhere near being deal-breakers, and you're very wise to seek counsel before things crash and burn.
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 10,912
Originally Posted by Amester 
s there any other way I can help him understand what this disease is all about?
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: illinois
Posts: 907
hope this gets better. i don't have your problem. my spouse saw the Ugly, and seems to enjoy the new me. also we have both had friends in addiction and recovery.
i can relate, however, by thinking of my father. my dad in every possible way does not share genes with me (long story). he and i are alike in many ways. people know instantly that i am his kid.
a couple aspects of our personalities (key aspects) are different. hes very analytic, and im a constant philosopher. he has no understanding of my substance issue, other than what ive told him, as he listens like a student.
he slipped into advice mode for a second when i visited last time, and i had to shut him down. i told him "you cant grasp what this feels like, dad. and no, it DOESNT make sense. but im not the first to deal with it, and i have great mentors."
my mentors are this community.
hell. i didnt trust the counselors at my rehab if they werent recovered. i actually switched after asking one point-blank. had her pegged in three minutes. i told her i trusted her education and her motives. i just "felt better" talking to a fellow sufferer. she understood. i think it was not the first time she had heard this.
i can relate, however, by thinking of my father. my dad in every possible way does not share genes with me (long story). he and i are alike in many ways. people know instantly that i am his kid.
a couple aspects of our personalities (key aspects) are different. hes very analytic, and im a constant philosopher. he has no understanding of my substance issue, other than what ive told him, as he listens like a student.
he slipped into advice mode for a second when i visited last time, and i had to shut him down. i told him "you cant grasp what this feels like, dad. and no, it DOESNT make sense. but im not the first to deal with it, and i have great mentors."
my mentors are this community.
hell. i didnt trust the counselors at my rehab if they werent recovered. i actually switched after asking one point-blank. had her pegged in three minutes. i told her i trusted her education and her motives. i just "felt better" talking to a fellow sufferer. she understood. i think it was not the first time she had heard this.
Guest
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Canada
Posts: 4,580
Originally Posted by Amester
, "I don't understand why you can't just have one or two then stop before you get out of control."
I'm not sure he ever truly can understand. Unless you have ever endured some sort of addiction...it would be really hard to "walk in those shoes" so to speak.
Just yesterday in conversation with my dear older brother who is a retired RCMP..who has seen the ravages of addiction..said to me...
"Why can't you just limit yourself to a number? I have no more than 3 beers in a sitting and that's it! No more.".
But that's the problem...I can't be certain of anything once alcohol hits my bloodstream. I just can't.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 10,912
I tend to agree with what Nuudawn said. I actually had a first hand experience trying to understand a condition that, I think, no one who does not have it can truly get, no matter how much studying.
I keep writing about one of my past relationship with another alcoholic here on SR because it just fits into the context of many discussions. So I had no problem understanding his alcoholism whatsoever, I know it inside out because I have it myself. But, it wasn't the only problem he had. Actually not even the problem that I first noticed about him after we met. He had a neurological sleep disorder called 'narcolepsy'... but he never told me. I just recognized more and more weird things about him from start, some truly strange mysterious things and very odd behaviors. Drove me nuts after like 3-4 months of dating him, so many things I had never seen in anyone and could not make sense of them at all. Still, he would not tell me. So finally, after ~5 months of crazy thinking and research, one day it all pulled together in a flash of insight and I figured it out. Now that was quite a puzzle to solve without any help, but I got it right, and told him that I did.
So that definitely made a big difference in the relationship, he was extremely relieved. Then I started getting myself into the literature, reading everything I could find about it, going to online forums for people with sleep disorders like I'm coming to SR for my problem, talking to others that had my friend's problem.... I was researching it obsessively for like 2 years and in the end I could have written a dissertation on it.
BUT I could never really "get" it. I mean I understood the mechanism as well as science understood at the time, and read tons of personal stories, discussions... also talked with my friend about it and then I was very familiar with the symptoms and hardships he struggled. But did I ever *feel* it? Did I know how he felt? Nope. Some of the emotional consequences of that disease are truly devastating and very weird. And I felt extremely guilty that I did not handle it better. I could have handled our shared addiction problem, I think, but all these things together were just too much.
Just an experience I had about understanding a condition intellectually very well, but really not from someone's internal subjective experience and the myriad subtle consequences.
I hope your boyfriend can find a way; at least addicts in recovery can live a 100% normal, fulfilling life if they avoid their drug of choice, so that's good.
I keep writing about one of my past relationship with another alcoholic here on SR because it just fits into the context of many discussions. So I had no problem understanding his alcoholism whatsoever, I know it inside out because I have it myself. But, it wasn't the only problem he had. Actually not even the problem that I first noticed about him after we met. He had a neurological sleep disorder called 'narcolepsy'... but he never told me. I just recognized more and more weird things about him from start, some truly strange mysterious things and very odd behaviors. Drove me nuts after like 3-4 months of dating him, so many things I had never seen in anyone and could not make sense of them at all. Still, he would not tell me. So finally, after ~5 months of crazy thinking and research, one day it all pulled together in a flash of insight and I figured it out. Now that was quite a puzzle to solve without any help, but I got it right, and told him that I did.
So that definitely made a big difference in the relationship, he was extremely relieved. Then I started getting myself into the literature, reading everything I could find about it, going to online forums for people with sleep disorders like I'm coming to SR for my problem, talking to others that had my friend's problem.... I was researching it obsessively for like 2 years and in the end I could have written a dissertation on it.
BUT I could never really "get" it. I mean I understood the mechanism as well as science understood at the time, and read tons of personal stories, discussions... also talked with my friend about it and then I was very familiar with the symptoms and hardships he struggled. But did I ever *feel* it? Did I know how he felt? Nope. Some of the emotional consequences of that disease are truly devastating and very weird. And I felt extremely guilty that I did not handle it better. I could have handled our shared addiction problem, I think, but all these things together were just too much.
Just an experience I had about understanding a condition intellectually very well, but really not from someone's internal subjective experience and the myriad subtle consequences.
I hope your boyfriend can find a way; at least addicts in recovery can live a 100% normal, fulfilling life if they avoid their drug of choice, so that's good.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: canada
Posts: 7,242
"I don't understand why you can't just have one or two then stop before you get out of control."
Amester,
to that, i can only really reply: "that's right, you can't. i don't really understand it myself. "
because understanding the "why" of that is, to me, nowhere near as important as accepting that it is so.
i'm one who believes understanding why is most of the solution to most everything (or at least an often-required starting point), but with THIS thing?
it's not something "understandable" in that kind of way.
Amester,
to that, i can only really reply: "that's right, you can't. i don't really understand it myself. "
because understanding the "why" of that is, to me, nowhere near as important as accepting that it is so.
i'm one who believes understanding why is most of the solution to most everything (or at least an often-required starting point), but with THIS thing?
it's not something "understandable" in that kind of way.
Grateful
Join Date: May 2013
Location: NC
Posts: 1,763
I've given a few close friends and family a (bit over the top) analogy of what it's like to not have the willpower to control my drinking. I tell them it's kind of like holding your breath as long as you can, and when you think you can't hold it any longer see how much longer you can go using willpower. Your compulsion to breathe is about as strong as my compulsion was to drink.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2014
Location: New York
Posts: 165
Thank you so much for all of the feedback and insight, you've all given me a lot to think about. He is nearly illiterate (his words not mine) and would never be able to sit and read a book on the subject. Although I may check out some of those titles myself. Maybe I need to be more patient with him, why am I expecting a non-addicted person to relate to my struggles with substances? I guess he doesn't need to understand me to support me?
Member
Join Date: Nov 2013
Posts: 370
Maybe you can use the analogy that a "little" booze for you would be about like asking him to stop after a "little" sex. Seriously though, all he needs to understand is that he doesn't. Good deal he's supportive, I worried about that when I started dating, my GF is pretty cool with it too.
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: Colorado
Posts: 3,474
In Terms He Can Understand...
In Decades at various levels of Customer Service/Support, my schtick was to try to address and solve various issues through the Eyes of the Customer. It was all about their perspective; not my perspective.
'I don't understand why you can't just have one or two then stop...'
I would memorize the line above he said to you and store it for another day for use this way.
About everyone has their 'over the top' thing. Maybe playing Video Games. Maybe watching Sports all Weekend. Perhaps it's having that 3rd piece of Pizza. Wait until he engages in his over-the-top, 'excess' behavior. After a pregnant pause, recite that line above back to him. Like a Customer, perhaps then it will be driven home, and make sense when you deliver that line in terms he'll be able to relate to.
The trick would be a smooth and timely delivery such that it doesn't seem like snark.
'I don't understand why you can't just have one or two then stop...'
I would memorize the line above he said to you and store it for another day for use this way.
About everyone has their 'over the top' thing. Maybe playing Video Games. Maybe watching Sports all Weekend. Perhaps it's having that 3rd piece of Pizza. Wait until he engages in his over-the-top, 'excess' behavior. After a pregnant pause, recite that line above back to him. Like a Customer, perhaps then it will be driven home, and make sense when you deliver that line in terms he'll be able to relate to.
The trick would be a smooth and timely delivery such that it doesn't seem like snark.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2014
Location: New York
Posts: 165
After doing some research I've found that there are barely any Al Anon meetings in our area but there are quite a few open AA meetings close by, he says he'd be happy to go with me to some of those. That might not be a bad idea right? I need to start getting myself to some meetings anyway. Or would that just make things worse somehow?
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