2blackkittehs

Hi all - long time lurker, I guess I behave here as I do in real life, very much the loner.

I've been sober 15, will be 16 months, in a few days. SR is my primary method and I read every day.

We hear the phrase of being a sensitive lot but I wonder if I'm being paranoid? I got sober about 14 years ago for about a year. At that time, I had a relative say to me "I'm going to get you drinking again." It wasn't due to them that I relapsed, but it's in the back of my mind now.

He's known I've not been drinking since since Christmas. Memory is not one of his strong points, so he's made comments that if I did a favor for him he'd buy me a beer. I just let those pass. We've recently been spending some family time together. He'll see me drinking a soda, yet, ask me If I want a beer. We were at dinner the other night, he had a martini that he didn't want to finish and asked me if I wanted it.

Our relationship is strained so I don't want to come right out and tell him him he's being an ass but I almost feel like he's taunting me. I was very much a doormat when I was drinking and I don't think he's too appreciative of the fact that I will say no to what I feel are impositions.

So, what say you all, am I being paranoid or reading to much into his actions or is he trying to sabotage (May be too strong of a word) me?

I've been ruminating on this the last few days and would just like another perspective or to see if anyone else has had a similar experience.

PS: loving being sober, life is so much easier now.

Verte

No, you are not paranoid.

If you say that you do not drink alcohol one time then you have delineated a boundary. Your relative repeatedly offering you alcohol is repeatedly not respecting (or maybe remembering?) your boundary.

Aren't you frustrated and tired of being around this relative. It seems like you have to repeat yourself often. Has he lost his recall capacity?

Is his life just so alcohol soaked that he cannot fathom that someone could chose to not drink alcohol?

Maybe you are sensitive but in this case anybody would be annoyed.

EndGameNYC

"No, thank you, and I'd very much appreciate if you didn't ask me again."

2blackkittehs

Thanks so much, yes, boundary is exactly the word I should have used. He doesn't seem to pleased that I'm setting those and asserting them.

His not respecting those boundaries is very much part of why I avoid him.

He's a normie, can have a drink or two and not think twice so I don't think that he's alcohol soaked.

NYC, I'll be using my new shiny spine. a simple assertion can feel like a confrontation to me, so it'll take some practice.

Mirage74

No, you're not being paranoid. I have family members who ignore boundaries too, so can relate. Some people just don't understand or respect the plight of an alcoholic. Remember this disease kills. For him to shove it in your face like that tells me he's the kind of person Id avoid altogether. I certainly wouldn't worry about being rude to him. But take your time being assertive, like you say,

Croissant

Don't know the guy, but yes, when people are used to you not speaking up and suddenly discover that you can actually string some thoughts together to stand up for yourself, it shocks them.

Try not to take it personally. Also, I'd be watching my drinks while I was around him...not saying he would, but given he's already stated he'd get you drinking a gain, and he sees you as weaker than him, what's to stop him slipping something in your drink?

tim68

Doesn't sound like anyone I'd want to be around. Just sayin.

jnoob22

Sounds like he could use a meeting or 30 himself. He may have no intentions of destroying you but that's what he's trying to do and not realizing it. I'd like to think that I would have a talk with him and explain alcoholism and ask him to back off. If after doing that, I'd like to think I would avoid him. Someone said something about him possibly slipping booze in your drink. Remember that a drink is a trip back on the road to death. Imagine that he was trying to convince you to play Russian Roulette. It may sound absurd but given what you know now about alcoholism, it's not so absurd is it?

biminiblue

It's difficult to escape that doormat/victim mindset.

Try to not look at it as, "he's doing this to me." Instead take the approach of, "I will gently remind him I'm not interested."

He may get it and he may not. It's not about him. It's about your recovery in the world.

fini

ach, don't waste your precious time trying to figure out his intention(s).

they hardly matter with regard to how you'll handle yourself around it.

i find that if i can keep the focus on what i'll respond with next time and get that settled in my mind, then ...it frees me up.

Music

When I came to AA I was told to surround myself with positive, uplifting people who were of the same mind as me. He doesn't sound like someone I'd want to spend time with.

DoubleBarrel

I would not be NEARLY this polite or nice about it.

Someone pushing booze on me is like waving a loaded gun in my face.

I think it would go something more along the lines of What the **** part of NO do you not understand you thick headed *******?

Low

I'm with DoubleBarrel but would be just a little gentler..I would and I have done this....sit right across from him and just ask: "What part of I don't drink anymore don't you understand?" Don't say another word until he answers. But, again, I am with the rest of the group and he would be the last type of energy I would want around me.....good luck!

karate

I told a friend , once .

Don't just get me one Beer , bring a 12 pack .

Then when I beat your head in , I can say I was drunk .

Most people don't offer me one after that

DowntownNYC

He's sound kind of like a tool. I would just tell him "I don't drink, remember? I've told you like twenty times."

Received

Well now. Hmmm. People that come right out and tell me they are going to get me to do something? Nope. Not a flipping chance. I refuse, absolutely REFUSE, to allow someone to OVERTLY think they can manipulate me into danger.

There is nothing "normie" about another person saying "I'm going to get you drinking again". That, to me, is the equivalent of "communicating a threat". And I take that very, very, seriously.

Am I a sensitive lot? Phshawwww. No. Nobody puts baby in a corner. Nobody.

2blackkittehs

Thanks everyone I need to come here more often.

I've spent so many years being a doormat believing that I deserved to be treated poorly and just took it.

Now, when I perceive that something's off, I second guess myself and wonder if it's reality or I'm over-reacting or misperceiving the situation. I almost gaslight myself, if that makes sense?

I'm doing better at recognizing abuse or manipulation and not accepting it, but it's a slow process for me.

Happily, I won't be around him for several months to come.

zjw

Not sure what to say other then I can relate I"m in the same boat. Being the door mat I swear stupid naive idiot is tattooed on my forehead and I dont realize it.

for me as I sobered up lost weight got fit gained some confidence without saying anything people became intimidated by me. and the ones like your relative that I have had to assert myself with we have tough relations now. Some things are not the same and probably will never be again. The relationship was built upon me taking the beating all the time once i stopped these people didnt know what to do with themselves. many left my company others we still comunicate but things are not the same.

what can i do about it? I dunno.

I'd have to ask you the same thigns I had to ask myself.

how do I feel?
Do i feel right with my choices?
am i doing the right things?
what business is it of anyone elses to dictate directly or indirectly how i live my life?
Why should I let these people beat me down and make me feel bad what good is it?

and so on. In the end I always found to just keep heading downt he sober road and makeing the good choices was the way for me I couldnt let the bumps in the road knock me down and send me sliden backwards. My health and sanity as far too important.

but its not easy. many still think i'm a doormat. I've even graduated to A$$hole with others what can i do? I'll never please everyone.

I read a book recentlyt hat said with people like this you have to just be like PFFF wtvr thats just how that guy is let it roll off your back and move on. I'm still trying to get to that point myself. years ago before i started drinking I used to be that way so I know i can do it.

Brian316

Congratulations on your sober time! No you aren't being paranoid at all. I think many of us do become a bit more sensitive in sobriety, but I'll speak for myself, there's almost nothing worse for my serenity than being taunted by a drunk. I would just tell the guy you don't feel like drinking and hopefully never will.

MesaMan

At some point, my latent Smart Azz emerges. This never takes long. Zingers that come to mind until Doctor Density gets a clue...

1. I'm gonna get you drinking again.
A: Well, you're certainly the right one to make a Person want to drink.

2. Do you want a Beer?
A. No I gave it up. Exactly what you should do instead of asking me repeatedly if I want Alcohol anymore.

3. Do you want to finish this Martini?
A. No thanks. I prefer only interesting Company when Drinking.

See how easy that was?

Presently, it's twisted 'fun' for him to muck with you. When you make doing that not fun anymore with some zinger answers that will pin his Ears back, he'll stop. The fun aspect will have evaporated. His behavior is attempted control, really. Folks like this, when being rude in a 'subtle' way, will feign outrage when confronted. Or, they'll accuse you of being rude when you whip out the zingers. I simply take them on relentlessly until they stop. Behavior Modification 101. If they're not being rude, there's no reason to be rude in return. As we said as Kids: 'you started it!'

Meanwhile, rehearsing a few zinger answers sure is good snarky fun; even if those comebacks are never used! It also eliminates the 'regret' of later thinking 'gee, I should have said xxx...'