Brian316

I actually have a similar issue. My counseler feels I am too hard on myself at times. But it's hard for me sometimes to think about the person I was, how I treated people and most insane how I could justify my destructive behavior. I am hoping working the steps of AA will be beneficial in this.

9111111

Bigsombrero, I’m from the F&F section, but I struggled with guilt and dwelling in the past as well..

I had a front row seat watching a close friend’s life spiral out of control over alcohol and mental health issues.
Knowing that it was my choice not to leave this toxic situation earlier, watching my friend in so much pain and anger while being helpless, and acting in so many ways that sure were not productive but the best kind of support I could offer back then still makes me feel sad and guilty at times.

I often wish that I could turn back time but I can’t. If you would ask me what I wish for my friend it was that they were finally able to love themselves, learn from the past and not let history repeat itself, and finally live the happy and healthy life they didn’t have in a long time but deserve so much – just like anyone of us.

By regretting the past and making amends we show compassion for the people in our lives.
Do we allow ourselves to have the same kind of compassion for ourself?

rc4dt1

I have struggled with lack of confidence and poor self esteem my whole life. In hindsight, it has improved at times in my life when I know I am doing the right thing for myself. The "right things" tend to be exercising, meditation, being honest with myself and others, being open - sharing, having contact with some higher purpose/power (believing that I am not in control of everything and accepting things the way they are to the best of my ability), regularly attending therapy, journaling, spending time with healthy/supportive friends and family, etc.

For me - these things seem to most present in my life when I am working the 12 steps. I too have went in and out of the rooms. I go "out" of the rooms because I start to resent the people, the sayings, the "shoulds" and "should nots".... But what I realized, after relapsing again and again because I refused to accept that I needed help (an repeated trying to stay sober on my own), is that I don't have to own other member's perspective. It's MY responsibility to do what I need to in order to stay sober and provide MYSELF with the best life possible.

I take suggestions. I listen. I pray about it. And then I try to make the best decision. It's working and it's leading to improved self-confidence. It's also leading me to a place where I value myself more. I recognize the damage I can do and have developed the awareness that I can choose not to damage myself.

My two cents

SonomaGal

I too have experience lowered self confidence since coming to terms with my drinking problem, and I'm trying to work thru it and do see that a lot of it is false, though intense at times. Since you wrote about your rock bottom time being the issue that bothers you the most, maybe it triggered a fear that you can't really trust yourself to take care of your life. When our lives get out of control it's scary and shocking in retrospect. But all you have to do is look at all the hard work you've done to come out of it, and see how things are now. Since you've quit drinking, know that you have great strength and the capacity for powerful change. These alone are incredibly strong characteristics, so do try to give yourself a break. Have you tried making a list of your strengths versus weaknesses? Maybe that will give you a direction to start working on yourself with the intention of building up your self confidence again.

Sasha4

I wish you didn't feel like this Big, but I can understand why you do.
I still struggle with similar feelings.
You don't deserve to feel like this.
You are a kind, caring, funny man who has given many people here lots of support.
I'm happy that you are my friend.
You deserve to feel at peace with yourself and what happened.
I don't know anyone who has gone through life without any blemishes or blips or things they wish they could change or stop happening.

I wish I could make things better for you and look after you.
You have so much more to offer than what you were.

I wish you the best
Your EBFF x

bigsombrero

I've had a lot of success since I started "quitting" things.

I stopped drinking and got healthy. I stopped smoking cigs and feel better about myself. I stopped puffing weed and got a job. I stopped being withdrawn and had a relationship (for a time anyway).

So part of me thinks: "Are my natural instincts wrong?"

It shakes my confidence. Makes me fearful that I can't trust myself. It's almost like part of me is "gaslighting" myself, instilling doubts in all of my progress.

Maybe it's best to turn that thinking around. I didn't STOP drinking...I simply started embracing a sober lifestyle. It's not as complex and dark as I continue to believe. I don't have "demons inside", and I'm not a bad person. I've often given advice to others that it's best not to over-think things. I think I'll do my best to hit the OFF switch and try not to be so intense all the time when it comes to self-analysis. Yeesh.

Thanks for the support and feedback guys.

Dee74

I think my natural instincts are pretty damn good.(even if I say so myself )

After years of not taking the easy option, I weakened in my late teens and I let myself be talked into some long lasting and really terrible lifestyle choices.

I stopped listening to my natural instincts for a couple of decades.

I think your story is not that dissimilar Big S

D

Gottalife

Hi BigS.
I guess a therapist could fix your issues whereas AA is concerned only with alcoholism, at least that's how it should be.

The things you describe just remind me of how low I felt when I came to AA. I wasn't busting with resentment, I was full of guilt and remorse because, not only did I constantly let everyone down, but I also constantly betrayed my own values. I felt absolutely worthless.

I found the solution in AA, as I'm sure you know by now. I learned, for me, I had to go much further than hoping the memory would fade, though that is what I would have liked to do. You often hear of repressed memories giving problems down the track, I am certain that would have been the case with me.

The big book contains promises around most of the steps. For dealing with this stuf through steps 5 and nine, we pare promised we will be delighted and be able to look the world in the eye. Furthermore we will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it and we will see how our experience can help others. Just to draw a distinction, this is steps AA not slogan AA.

I learned something of instincts in the process to, though not very flattering. I had shut down, or more accurately not developed emotionally. In the latter part of my drinking and in early sobriety, until some of these promises kicked in, I lived by instinct. This is about the most selfish way I could live. Every decision I made was based in fear that some instinct would not be satisfied, or alternatively, any relationship I had was based I satisfying my instincts. Very wrong thinking, which caused people to react badly, but I was unaware of it at the time.

My instincts are now back how they should be, I'm pleased to say. Not much happiness to be found in that form of self centredness.

TopFlight

BigS as others have suggested, I believe a psychologist can assist you in guiding you through these issues. Honestly, for the longest time even thinking about seeing a professional made me cringe. It wasn't until things got tough enough to where I decided to see one and was able to peel away at some of the issues I had been having. I remember one particular meeting where I had touched on something in my past and I just broke down in tears. And believe me man, I rarely ever cry. It was just the issue I touched on was something I was holding on for MANY years and it hit a trigger in me. For the rest of that day, my head was in the clouds thinking about that meeting. I knew I had been carrying this with me for a long time, yet it had never been at the forefront of my thoughts until that very moment.

Sometimes we try to react to every negative thought in our head and remedy that specific issue, but deep down it may be bigger than that. Sometimes it takes a person from the outside to ask the right questions and guide you through these issues to help you discover what may be really bothering you.

Croissant

Hi BigSombrero...it hits me from time to time, but not as much as it used to.

One thing I did notice earlier on was, I was so used to feeling bad about everything - either as a reason to drink, or because of drinking. For example, bad day (must drink), thank god the day is over (must drink), life sucks - nothing to do tonight (must drink), my family annoy me (must drink). All negative thoughts.

Then after drinking...feel sick (you loser, why did you drink?), gonna be late for work (cos you drank, idiot!), I look terrible (because you drink every night, that's why you are fat and aging)....and on and on. The irony is, I honestly viewed myself as a positive and confident person!

I guess what I'm saying is, it's just not the drink that we were in the grasp of, but also a twisted, tangled mess of negative feelings, self image and messages to feed our reason to drink. That can be hard to shake and takes work.

Not sure if you can relate to the above...but it is possible to address it and move through it. It's damn hard work though, and part of the recovery process - well, for me, anyway.

MattyBoy

I feel this way sometimes BigSombrero. And what you said about those drinking days feeling like a dream rings so true for me. It doesn't feel like it was ME who got that bad, it was like it was someone else and it was all a dream. The feeling is at it's worse when I'm with a group of people, chatting and having a good laugh and I'm suddenly hit with this feeling of "I'm just like these people, same sense of humour, same moral code and values so why did I have that problem and why did I get that bad and these people didn't/don't have a problem with alcohol..? What makes me different?"

We all have to move on sometime though, and other people who have never had drink problems will still have done things in their past which may still nag at them in the present. It's just human nature to constantly evaluate ourselves and our past actions.