Ginna637

My fiance (until yesterday) broke up with me via text while is in rehab. He has been there for (4) months and went there when I threw him out of my home for drinking and lying to me about it. At first he was very angry with me, but after I wrote to him and explained why I had to do it, he became a little more receptive and eventually became the loving man that I knew. Our letters to each other were full of I love you's, I miss you, etc. I was approaching a time in my life when I needed surgery that we had discussed while we were living together, and he wanted me to keep him informed as to the date. After he sent me again another beautiful loving letter, he stopped writing. I was calling the rehab weekly to check on his progress. He is in a Christian facility 900 miles away, and could not call me due to the fact that I am not immediate family or his wife yet. The man who ran the house that he was in, always informed me that he was doing great. He always told him when I called. I asked him to let him know of my surgery date, and asked if he could please call me due to this. I was directed to call another gentleman who would be able to help me with that. I spoke ti him, and he informed me that he would speak to my fiance', and call back the next day and he would have an answer. I called the next day only to be told by him, that my fiance' did not want to call me, but that he was praying for me. Of course, this upset me terribly.I told the gentleman that I felt as if I was in limbo, as I did not understand why my fiance' has stopped all communication with me. I though that perhaps I overwhelmed him as with my last letter to him, I had included my last will leaving him everything, and even naming him beneficiary on my insurance policy. He said that he would try to speak with him, and if he acquired his permission he would call me back. He never did. This facility is an all male facility concentrating on the teachings of the bible to combat addiction. There are three steps to this year long commitment. The safe house being the first step, the restoration house, where they go for 40 days, and then DLC which is like a step down, where the men live with about 6 men per house, and take care of themselves, having a little more freedom. during the safe house and restoration stay, all cell phones and TVs are not permitted. There is no medical supervision there, only spiritual leaders offering individual and group counseling. My fiance has been there before and left the program after only completing 5 months of the 12 month program. He has now been there for 4 months and has been passed over to go to restoration twice. They are only sent there when the facility feels that they are ready. He does work daily there as a carpenter, working long days, and then going to bible study and counseling sessions. His day may end at 10 PM. With all this being said, I found out that he was given his phone back with restrictions. I texted him to ask if we were over. He didn't answer. I continued to text and finally got my answer. He said that we were over,and that he was moving on with his life! How do you move on with your life in a rehab???? I have been so supportive of him during all of this. I've sent food, gifts, vitamins, and even handled all his issues like health insurance, and renewal of his drivers license. He could not renew it in PA with an out of state address so I just found out that he has a NC drivers license now. I paid all of his PA fines in order for him to have that made possible. I am hurt and upset. He has 7 months to finish this program. Why in the world would he break up with me? His last later told of his love for me, and how he missed me! If he had to concentrate on himself, why didn't he just say that? Does anyone have any advice? Our relationship spanned his alcoholism, sober stage, alcoholism, and now sober again, so it's not that we had a relationship in one stage of this. The owner of the facility did tell me that he left 2 years ago to be with me, but told me that throwing him out saved his life. He also told me that if he wanted to come home again to dissuade him as he has to finish this program. I agreed. Could the facility be telling him to stay away from me?

yeahgr8

If he really so ers up this time and embraces recovery he will literally be another man, it just happens that way. Unfortunately for partners they sometimes, actually a lot if the time, find that they are dealing with a new person who's tastes, values and beliefs arent the same as they were when in the relationship with that partner

This isn't to say that he wants another partner he just wants to move in from the old him and find out about the new him.

Sorry you got caught in the crossfire, have you thought about getting some help for you? Maybe alanon?

Ginna637

I agree that he could be trying to find himself and perhaps he is a different man. That's why I stressed that we were together when he was drinking, and then recovery, and then drinking again. We were together although for a short time, during both sobriety and recovery. He was sober for 5 months when we were together in the past. Could he be so different this time?

RocketQueen

There could be a million and one reasons why it has happened. Really, the only person who can answer your questions is him. Perhaps give him a bit of space and time then ask for an explanation. Remember that his recovery isn't about you. Whatever he did last time obviously didn't work for him, so he needs to do things differently this time if he wants to make it stick. He may very we'll be viewing life very differently than he did in his last recovery stint.

In the meantime, keep your chin up. You did him a huge favour and possibly saved his life. Perhaps get yourself to some AlAnon meetings and look after YOU. Good luck.

yeahgr8

Yes he can be, if he us in real recovery this time. This means a big personality change in order to be able to stop drinking and be happy about it. He would not have drink after 5 months if he had made this change last time.

It's a good opportunity for you to get some support for you and move in so this doesn't keep happening in one form or another from relationship to relationship:-)

If you need an explanation in 6 months you haven't moved on.

Live

Better to find out that commitment doesn't mean much to him now than after the wedding.
sorry for your pain and confusion.
You deserve better.

Music

Seems like kind of a cowardly thing to do, breaking up with you by texting. Check him off and move on.

Weaver

I understand becoming a new person once sober etc. I still feel bad for those left behind after all the destruction the alcoholic causes. It's selfish and I feel your pain. I'm very sorry to hear

Ginna637

Thank you everyone. I appreciate all of your kind words. This hurts more than I can express. Of course I've been through break ups before, but never one that has shocked me more than this. It came out of left field, especially after all of his letters to me were so loving, and sweet, just as he was when we lived together. He even expressed in his last letter that I may forget about him because he was not around. I assured him that I wouldn't and that my engagement ring was still on my finger and would not be removed until he replaced it with a wedding band. So you can imagine my pain when all communication stopped and then I get the break up text. Usually it's another woman that causes this sudden turn of events, but he is in a rehab facility that houses all men only. There is strict supervision and no contact with the outside world except for church on Sunday and supervised work during the day. The minutes of the day are filled to the nano second. I am moving on, but I just wish that my heart could accept this. If there was some sort of reasonable explanation, understanding would help my heart's acceptance of this. Also it shocked me because I was his life line. He has no where else to live, no vehicle, no job, and just got his license restored thanks to me. Not that I would want him because he needs me to supply those things for him, but to end a relationship that provided you with a life to face the unknown seems crazy to me. If there was to be an end to this, it would have been more likely that I would have done it, not him.

Music

I'm wondering about a reasonable explanation as to why your were his "life line". Sounds to me like you had way more invested in this deal than he did. I think the break up is a gift to you. Look at the bright side. Now, all you have to worry about is YOU! So, what are you going to do about it? And please don't say, "I'm going to find another drunk to take care of." I hope being a care taker is the source of your self-esteem.

Ginna637

Music the explanation of life line is that I was the one that provided the home, clothing, food, transportation, etc. He had and has nothing. He lived with me for 4 months before he even was able to acquire employment. He had no drivers license, a very small amount of clothing, no money, no place to live, no auto, etc. I had all of those things. He then worked and contributed to the household. I threw him out when I found out that he had been drinking after he was caught once before, and we agreed to have him go to rehab which he had to stop due to the insurance company not covering that facility. Yes I invested a lot. I did it because I loved him and this was an investment in our future, as we were to be married. together we paid all of his fines, acquired health insurance, I purchased all of his tools for him on my credit card as he was a carpenter. He also had little and/or bad credit. I opened my door to him as he was coming from rehab and assured me that he was fine. I wanted to help. I wanted to provide him with a life where he would finally be happy and not have to turn to Vodka to enjoy. He even told his family that this was the life that he always wanted. This brought such joy to my heart to hear that. I thought that together we would have a wonderful life. Other people have turned their lives around, so I saw no reason why he couldn't, especially with my love, help, and support. Now he has cut me from his life and is back where he started. He does have a drivers license now though. He is housed in a facility and his program will not be completed until January 2015. To me he is living a stress free very structured life right now which is a far cry from reality. It's like going away to camp. I feel that he is in for a rude awakening. As for me, life goes on. I am a strong woman and I will recover from this. Time heals all wounds. I just have a feeling that he will contact me again once he starts coming into the reality of life, away from his safe haven. I just hope that I am strong enough to walk away from him, the way that he walked away from me.

falseemperor

lovesymphony

Good for you, Ginna. Time does heal all wounds. I broke up with a man I was crazy for about six months ago and I felt like I couldn't breathe and would literally die at first. Now I'll be OK if I never see him again. Of course I don't know about your ex since I've never met him but I and my sisters have seen enough hot and cold behaviour from men we loved for me to think "manipulator" right off the bat, as I read your posts. In fact I would be surprised if you ignore your ex and he does NOT come back apologizing and excusing his bad treatment toward you. Just my two cents. Keep being strong.

Music

Ginna, nobody knows better than I do how love can play a part in a relationship. My wife and I were married when she was 18, and me 19. When we got sober, we'd been married about 15 years and had 3 kids. We've both been in AA for a combined total of 75 years. There's no doubt that love trumps a lot of things including good common sense. At some point though, a person has to realize that when one or the other is in active alcoholism, he/she may love the other person but "true" love is for the alcohol, not the other person as has been proven by the actions of your friend. Excuse the type-o in my last post. I meant to say that I hope your self-esteem I'SNT connected to your desire to take care of someone, otherwise the possibility of getting involved with another drunk is very real.

I've been the cause of some very real problems, even in sobriety and I've asked myself on more than one occasion why my wife stuck it out. She says that she knew the real, and good me was in there somewhere and she loved me enough to give time, time. However, we both agree that if either of us ever went back to drinking, that would be a deal breaker unless there was immediate treatment and recovery. I hope for your sake, you've learned a lesson here so that you don't make the same mistake in the future. I hope and pray for the best for you.

Ginna637

Thank you all for your wonderful empathy and insight. I appreciate all of you. I did what I did for love. Like your wife music, I believed and I still do, that there is a good and decent person inside that addicted man. Even while he was drinking he went to work everyday, and was always kind and caring towards me. Or arguments were when he would look high to me, and when confronted he would deny doing anything that caused that, saying instead that he had taken medication (too much) due to his back hurting. (he had surgery on it years prior). Yes he lied, and yes I could understand that the drunk's love differs from sober love, but he loved me drunk and also when he was in rehab 2 years ago. He would call, text, and send videos stating so. I tend to think now however; that perhaps he was laying a foundation for a place to live upon his release as his family told him that he wasn't welcome there, and he had no where else to go. That thought that perhaps I was being played hurts more than the break up. But I must admit, he wasn't a slacker. Once he moved in, while trying to find employment, he build me a walk in closet, tiled my bathroom, and started to finish the basement. Yes he's a good man, and I'm a broken woman.

Music

We're all broken people Ginna. There was only one I know of that wasn't and He got broken by broken people. The problem isn't that we make mistakes or bad decisions from time to time. The problem happens when we don't learn from them, and figure out a way to recover and move on. We can't fix what we don't acknowledge. We all fall but only the broken ones stay down. Get up, stand straight and move on.

Nuudawn

So what was in it for you Ginna? After all you have done for him...INVESTED in him...he owes you doesn't he? Doesn't he?

Healthy relationships don't work like that Ginna. I know this must all be incredibly painful for you. So painful you are asking alcoholics for answers. Water seeks its own level and I can't help but think...your addiction...is him.

What you are now facing is not that much unlike what any addict must face when they have to give up their DOC. It is painful and lonely and ultimately it is YOU you must face. Why would you want to be in relationship with someone you have to look after...give a life too?

Love addiction/codependency is as cunning as any other addiction. I would look into counselling and support for your fine self.

Ginna637

Nuudawn - WHY ARE YOU ON HERE? WHAT'S YOUR ISSUE???? I know my issues what are yours? People on here are to be supportive and caring. What's your drug of choice bullying? Maybe you need to take a class on etiquette. Take a read from your Donald Miller quote. What's with the porn star look profile pic?

KissMyTiara

I think Nuudawn posted a thoughtful answer. Harsh to swallow but realistic. I know you are hurting Ginna.

Dee74

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