Sudz No More

Years back I started going mostly electronic payments for things via debit and credit but I always kept some spare cash in my wallet. My wife knew exactly why I always made sure to hit the ATM to put some cash in my wallet. It was harder to trace how much I was actually drinking. I had the usual excuses why I wanted the petty cash handy, the odd cup of coffee or quickie snack that I would use as a scape goat. Cash was easier for those small quick transactions I would reason but $60 dollars? She knew full and well I didn't want to leave digital traces of the all the dives I was stopping at to get my fix. Plus, some of those dives to buy cheap potent beer didn't even have card machines or would charge extra to use them.

Now that I finally quit for good I almost never have cash in my wallet. I just don't use it so I don't keep it. Today, I received a few dollars from someone as a casual tip so I thanked them and tucked it in my pocket. When I went to move the money to my wallet the old ingrained thought popped into my head. How those couple dollars would go to good use on the way home, stop at the local dive and buy a few 24 oz Ice Beers with 7% alcohol for $1.00 each. I was surprised at how quick the thought had occurred but quickly forgot about it as I was busy. It wasn't until I got home that I thought of it again but I was happy to note to myself that I didn't dwell on it and didn't white knuckle all the way home.

15 months later I just don't obsess over alcohol anymore, those major urges have long since left my mind. Still though, somewhere deep down in my Psyche there still exists a mechanism for my dormant addiction. I will make sure to keep it good and buried to continue dissolving into the background.

Keep your head up and your feet down and keep moving.

SoberLeigh

If I have money in my pocketbook, I have somebody else's pocketbook.

Sounds like you have made great strides on your journey to sobriety. Power on.

GotGrace

Nicely done!

I sometimes have that knee-jerk reaction when it is the cocktail hour and I am suddenly alone in the kitchen (rare for me): now's my chance to top off my soda with some vodka and no one will know! Old habits die hard, I guess.

Good job keeping the cash in your wallet!

freshstart57

I am learning to route thoughts about drinking through my conscious awareness instead of letting them railroad my intentions into getting and drinking alcohol. That's how it used to be, there would be something like you said, cash in my wallet or driving by a liquor store, or maybe it was something that irritated me and made me angry. Yup, a knee jerk reaction or a reflex - the thought bypasses the conscious control center.

A mindful awareness lets me slow things down and gives control over my actions to my thinker instead of my drinker. It wasn't easy at first, but it is becoming second nature now. I agree it is still there, but that old habit just doesn't drive my actions anymore. It can't.

beckys

I'm still fairly recently sober, and have been avoiding going out to the shops with cash/cards, as I know it would only take a couple of seconds decision to get a drink and get out of there. It's all the things I used to do that bring back the thoughts - it's not usually that I WANT to, more that it's like being on auto-pilot.

Dee74

It's nice to dismiss those thoughts isn't it Sudz? Good going man!

D

hopeful4

Good for you. I did not ever "let" my husband have any cash. He still made those $1.00 debits for those 7% beers. We are now in the throes of a divorce.

Sometimes I wish I would not have tried to control his addiction, that way I could have went through this a long time ago and been done with it. Good for you that you are in recovery, I wish you and your wife all the best!

God Bless!

LBrain

Sudz No More, good on you. Thanks for the post. Reminded me of when the wife went into a rage when the end of year credit card tally showed up. I can't type it with the emotion she had. Then I discover ATM cash withdrawals hide the evidence. I remember the day I discovered Kesslers - a big jug for about 10 bucks. I was spending 40 bucks on a small flask of hifalutin sippin whiskey and drinking it like gatoraid. What was I thinking?! The more I saved the more I spent. I thought I was the only genius in the club.
Almost every day I hear something that reminds me of what an idiot I was. Thanks.

least

Thank you for sharing that. I too get the odd thought of buying wine while at the store... then remind myself that I no longer drink!

zjw

huh only a dollar each ya dont say where is this place at? ::FACEPALM::

almost 3 years and i still get stupid ideas now and then its ok.

Sudz No More

Lol, we stop at nothing

Brian316

Good to see you dismiss these thoughts. I know what you mean tho. I walk by a liquor store and sometimes think, why I could shove a bottle in my coat and no one would know. Interesting on the point tho, using your cash on booze so it doesn't show up on the bank statement. That's something I would do! Isn't it great to not have to live that way anymore?

matt4x4

I dont even notice liquor stores, or even bars anymore. Dont notice the beer cans on the ground anymore either.

courage2

Good for you to dismiss the thought! One of my small pieces of advice for newly sober people (myself included) is to keep no cash around. If you're like me and were hiding your drinking from loved ones, credit card transactions are out of the question. Having little to no cash on hand just puts an extra small barrier between me and a bottle.