markcooper

Hi everyone,

This seems like a great forum and you offer so much support here it seems life-changing.

This my first post here and I wanted to share with you my story with binge-drinking and hope to find some encouragement, support and hope.

I am a 35 year old male. I started drinking alcohol when I went to college at the age of 18. For the last 17 years I have been what you would call a binge-drinker, regularly getting very drunk on the weekends (but normally not drinking much on the weekends).

However, during the weekends I drink excessively to the point I black out. My character changes and I become a drunk who at times is annoying, aggressive, stupid, foolish, etc...

I have humiliated myself countless of times. I have gotten into fights. I have lost friends. I have lost relationships.

At the same time, when I'm tipsey I become more outgoing, social and friendly. That is when I have my best moments but unfortunately there is a fine line for me between me being a happy social drunk (when I'm tipsey) and turning into a pathetic drunk....almost like dr. jekyl and mr. hyde. And I normally always cross that line (despite my best intentions not to).

My personality change when I am drunk is shocking....I become so out of character....I have had to apologize countless numbers of times for my drunkin behaviour....I have been kicked out of bars and clubs...I have been arrested twice...I have been assaulted a few times (once I ended up in hospital).

I probably have blown over $100,000 on alcohol since the age of 18....the older I got and the more I earned the more I blew on booz (mainly buying strangers drinks I meet at bars and clubs). I got to the stage where I would blow anywhere from $300 to $1,000 on a night of drinking (money down the drain).

Drinking has affected my career, my well-being, my physique.

Besides the self-destructive behaviour the AFTER EFFECTS last days....my hangovers are hell and I lose at least two days where I am a vegetable. During my hangovers I am normally very depressed and miserable, replaying the negative things that occurred the previous night. I also have no energy, no motivation and am exhausted.....I also eat very unhealthy and binge on junk when I'm hungover.....

I tried so many times to moderate my drinking but failed. I tried quitting twice (each time for 3-4 months) but always relapsed.

Alcohol is my poison.....these spirits posses me and take over my body. I need to fight it.

I don't know what the solution is....the problem is I can't see myself never drinking again. I am just desperate to be a moderate drinking who can control his drinking. Because I love the person I become when I am tipsey but hate the person I become when I'm drunk.

I look forward to any ideas to help me get over this and what a solution may be.

Thanks,
Mark

doggonecarl

Welcome to Sober Recovery.
Mark, if you could be a moderate drinker, you would be. But your track history, if I am reading between the lines of your post, leans heavily on the drunk side of the equation, and not the tipsey side.

But we cling so strongly to the dream that we can one day drink "normally"

That's pipe dream. I think coming here is good way to start. Read through the posts and see how so many come here feeling just like you. They want to drink without the consequences of their drinking.

Those who have success in recovery learn that quitting, forever, is the only solution. They accept that they can't drink and embrace a sober life.

I have, for three and a half years.

So can you.

Thepatman

Hi Welcome to SR!

If you are like me, staying at the tipsey Level was never good enough for me and so did:

Cutting down
Controlling it
Being happy sober and be able to socialise without a beer in my hands
Etc…

I have been on this site for quite some time, and never saw a story about someone that crossed the line being able to revert back to an occasional social drinker.

Probably not what you wanted to hear, but that's the reality of it.

But if you can cut back down to a normal drinker, make sure to PM me the solution! ;-)

Take care new friend!

ScottFromWI

If you are an alcoholic Mark, there is no way to return to moderate drinking. It just isn't possible. Thousands and thousands try, but they fail - every single time. There are no exceptions.

The good news is that many alcoholics quit drinking and live extremely fulfilling lives - many would suggest a better life ( me included ). SR is a great place to meet other people who are wanting to do so, or have already done so. And there is a lot of information on many other recovery methods.

You won't find information or suggestions on how to moderate though - because for us it is not possible. Hope you can stay with us and learn some things.

Hevyn

Welcome Mark! You're in great company - we all understand how it is.

You made some excellent points - thankfully you're very self aware. You're seeing what I refused to acknowledge at your age. Alcohol changes us - it is our poison - we can't control what happens once it's in our system. I spent decades trying to moderate. I'd have times where I thought I had the solution - but all roads led back to chaos and danger. The only way I could avoid the downward spiral was to stop all together. That's when I found SR and made my decision. I had wanted to much to be a social drinker, but proved to myself through reckless behavior it could never be possible. It was a relief to be free of it. I'm glad you're here to talk things over.

songthread

Welcome to SR.

And yes, there's hope! A lot of hope.

You are at a great starting point because you have been honest with yourself in acknowledging that you no longer want to be a person who becomes "out of character" and you realize that alcohol is your demon.

It's my demon, too, and my own out of character behaviors with this demon are cringe-worthy, so no judgement here.

When I first got sober, I had a real fear that I was going to lose my personality. How was I going to have fun? How was I going to be that exuberant, sociable, charming and funny person that I was when I was at the "good part" of the buzz?
When I had just the right amount of alcohol in my system, that's when I had my best moments, just as you describe.

Good news, that fear turned out to be unfounded. It did take a little while, but the exuberant and engaging and social part of my personality returned. And with a vengeance.

I think your true best moments are about to happen. I hope you are surprised by joy and find the same richer, deeper experience in life as I am finding. This is coming from someone, me, who used to be extremely cynical.

Give it some time, and hang here with us in SR. Tons of wise young and old souls here. We all help one another.

I wish you peace and strength and clarity as you move forward day by day.

Compass1

You sound like me. The problem with trying to be a moderate drinker is that once you hit the "tipsy" zone, your inhibitions are down and it doesn't seem like a big deal to continue drinking... and we know where that leads. I also found in the past that once I've had 1 or 2 drinks, its a serious bummer to stop there. For me it was, at least. Like, I wasn't quite sober, but I knew I could feel so much more giddy, etc with "a few " more. The only thing I can control is not taking the first drink. After that, I am the one who is powerless.

EndGameNYC

If we could stay in the "tipsy" stage, we wouldn't need help to stay in the tipsy stage.

There's a lot of support here, but many of us find that we need something more. Therapy, support groups...There's also a lot of information here, personal stories and treatment options.

When I got sober, I needed as much help as I could get. So I reached out, and have since been living a much better life than I could have ever imagined.

Wastinglife

I could have written your post to describe myself. My drinking followed the same pattern as you. Social, fun drinker to obnoxious, mean drunk to depressed and hungover the next day is how I lived for 10 years. I ruined a career, my health, as well police run-ins and lost relationships. I did 35 days in rehab and got a therapist and have been pretty much sober for 3 years (a few slips here and there). Have you considered professional help?

bigsombrero

Hey Mark,

A lot of what you said sounds familiar. I just got sober recently at age 37 after my drunken behavior evolved from "funny" to "scary".

Let me tell you: it's not the end of the world to quit drinking, in fact you will be just fine. Like it or not, you're going to have to start thinking about your long term health. I also started drinking at 18 and kept the party going too long and couldn't stop. I had my first seizure at 36 years old. You can't keep this up until you're 40, 50, 60. I know that part of you feels indestructible, but you won't make it that long. Welcome to SR, this is a good place to start.

Dee74

Hi Mark
Some great advice here

I used alcohol to loosen up too - and somewhere during the night I'd hiot the sweet spot, funny charming and yet not drunk...but I could never predict when it would happen, and I could NEVER stop drinking, so I ended the night passed out, blacked out or otherwise ejected for drunken and antisocial behaviour.

By the end of my drinking days, there was no sweet spot. I'd lost it.

It was just sober....or instant jackass. Thats one aspect of the progression of alcoholism.

I've been sober a few years now. Sure, I find I'm not as 'on' now socially - I'm quieter, and I listen more...I like small gatherings and not big parties - and most of all I enjoy nights at home...but thats the real me.

My friends family and loved ones love me for who I am. If they don't they're not in that inner circle

I thought not drinking ever again was a cataclysm, an ending...but it was actually a beginning of a live I love

D

EndGameNYC

Are you still with us Mark?

It occurred to me last night that you seem willing to endure a great deal of suffering in order to continue drinking to the point when you feel "tipsy."

No one wants to be judged by our worst moments in life. The thing is, the more I drank, the more "worst moments" I had, until my being at my worst became what most people saw of me and then thought of me.

Alcohol isn't selective. It rarely confines itself to ruining one or two parts of our lives. It takes it all. Over time, I became convinced that I was, in fact, that awful person that other people saw, if only because I left so little evidence to the contrary.

Based on your OP, you seem to be in a position to continue to lose some very important things in your life, including your own self respect. We don't have to lose everything in order to get sober, though many of us went that route.

It's time to put down the drink.

Dan1888

omg you have just described myself in every detail. Seriously you have experienced exactly what I have and I am the same age as you. Its almost scary how similar your experience with drink is to mine.

the binge drinking, the fun person up to a point then oblivion, the depression and tiredness after, binge eating and all the other things you mention. That is my story with drink exactly.

Im at the point now where Im just not drinking full stop. Im not great at socializing without alcohol but I hope in time that will improve.

Good luck.

DarkDays

I look forward to any ideas to help me get over this and what a solution may be.

Sorry cant really say much else other than nothing magical will happen by itself , moderating is like death by a 1000 cuts , prolonged constant slow torture that empty horrible feeling of having a couple of drinks then having to stop because you are moderating, yeh right !

Stopping drinking 100% forever will improve your life in ways you cant imagine, of course it does not feel like this is possible at the present time because you are trapped in prison alcoHELL. Me I used this Forum The Jason Vale book and Rational recovery , others use many other things.

Its such a cliché but really nothing changes if nothing changes.

Dee74

How are you going Mark?

D

matt4x4

Binge drinkers may have it harder then others when it comes to recovery from a seemingly hopeless state of mind and body.

Croissant

Mark, welcome. Hope you will drop in again.

This is so very true. When I wasn't drunk, I was at work hungover - either miserable, feeling sick, overly chatty (ie, still half drunk), snappy, not performing...or all of the above. I was never an authentic version of me, ever.

And yes...it takes all. I would never have considered drinking through the week so badly I'd be a mess the next day at work. But there you have it - by the end, I couldn't imagine not being drunk every night of the week. It felt insurmountable...

But you know what...I woke up one day and the humiliation of calling in sick was so bad, I'd had enough. Thinking of never drinking again can be too much to handle in the beginning. First days were just holding on to one more day sober and that's all I could mentally manage. To think of even staying sober 4 days felt like a marathon. So I just focused on keeping sober hour by hour, minute by minute sometimes...it's all I could manage.

It is possible. More possible than managing to stay "tipsy", in fact.