Treerat66

I have found that once I stopped joining in with the booze fests the non-drinkers and folk in control of their drinking in the group seek me out.

bigsombrero

Yes, they know I'm sober. But I think they kind of "want me back" and since our group of friends only gets together 2-3 times per year (we are at the age where people have young families, new marriages, etc) this is one of the only times we can do it.

Last year, I met some people out for brunch before the party, but did not go. Maybe that's what I'll do in the future. I dunno.

Sasha4

I understand Big.
I remember your first posts from when this happened the first time after you got sober.
I think I recommended that you cook breakfast for them all the morning after and wake them up by bashing a large pan with a metal spoon.

I have a weekend away next weekend.
I don't want to drink anything more than tea!

I have won a trip to New York and go in April.
I am dreading it. I feel nervous every time I think about it.
I will probably be the only non drinker there. They will no doubt be stacks of questions about why I don't drink, can I not just have one, is life not dull without drinking, that I will never find a man if I am in bed by 9pm with my rollers in, night cream on and a cup of hot chocolate.

I feel really lonely at the moment.
Like I am out on a limb.
I spend every evening on my own.
It will be nice to have some conversation and company but I expect that after three diet cokes, I will be wanting to go home.
Drunken conversations are not fun when you are sober and they are telling you for the 21st time about something they find hilarious and you don't share that view.
I feel like I am no fun. That by not joining in I am disappointing friends, being bad company.
Do you think your friends fully understand that they are creating pressure for you when they try to get you to join in?

I do prefer my life like it is now.
No more drama, panic, worry, lies or guilt. I would see me as 'crazy' if I wanted those horrid times back.
But I guess it is difficult when your friends have no experience of what we have experienced.
I just wish that every special occasion did not have to be marked by drinking yourself silly.

I think it's also something I never expected to be a big part of giving up drinking and that it would keep coming up as a prominent theme.
I know my drinking upset other people. It caused drama and spoilt certain occasions.
So logically I thought by me that giving up drinking will not upset or hurt, or worry anyone anymore and for that they would be happy.
Seems not to be the case.

Just remember it's a couple of days a year, not something that happens every week or every day.

Wishing you the best from Europe xx

bigsombrero

I feel all of these things. And just like you Sasha, I am up-and-down about it. It's like I'm in some kind of "self-imposed exile"....but I actually don't see it that way. But I think that OTHERS see it that way.

My main issue, and maybe yours as well, is dealing with the perception that I'm some kind of isolated hermit now. And that others think I'm in pain, or that I'm suffering. For example, if I don't show up to this party I feel others would be worried. "Gee, Bigsombrero, he is a really sad person if he can't come out with his old buddies", etc. etc.

But like you, I'm not sad about that at all. I needed to slow things down. I need to figure some $h*t out here. My life was crazy for the past 20 years as an active alcoholic. I'm sober just 1.5 years. I will be 40 years old in a year, and I'm trying to think of the long-term here. Going back to parties like these (where I was the star attraction for my drinking prowess) feels like a step in the wrong direction. This is not where I see myself in 5 years. I don't want to "reacclimate" to this kind of thing....I want to find my own new niche.

I have a job, I go to work. I come home, go shopping for dinner, and watch TV and go to bed. Right now, that's fine for me. I guess these types of invites and social pressures make me feel like I'm "not doing enough" when right now what I have is plenty enough.

DG0409

They have a saying over on the family and friends side of thing here that seems like it might be applicable: 'What others think of me is none of my business.'

MesaMan

Thanks to Early Retirement, I'm past the Work/Trade Show/Int'l Biz Dinners/Socializing. Those situations would have made Sobriety much tougher to pull off. 10 weeks into it, here [10 Jan 2014]. All is well; no cravings, really.

One old trick I used, and still do when Solicitors darken our Door, is to act like I'm talking on my Mobile. Face-to-Face, as at Parties or at dreaded long, Corp Meetings, you can 'twitch' a bit and act as though your Mobile was on 'Vibrate'. Read the imaginary Text or incoming Phone Number [there isn't one, of course], and beg off that way, due to some 'emergency' to attend to. When my Dad was in Assisted Living, I fended off everything from Panhandlers wanting Money to an intrusive Stranger by using a fake incoming call about Dad as an 'excuse'.

We had Rental Property. Something imaginary at a Rental 'that just came up' [on your Mobile] is another such excuse.

Of course, a standby is always how 'some new Medicine I'm taking' is incompatible w/Alcohol. I skip the details, because they're imaginary.

In Sports, there's this practice called 'Muscle Memory'. Spike the Volleyball or hit the Golf Ball so many times, your Body does the 'right' thing automatically w/o conscious thought. In a like manner, rehearse your Party/Bar/Wedding Reception lines the same way and watch them convincingly roll off your Tongue. It lowers Stress for me. I'm covered.

I practice my lines. Always have. I was in front of High Tech Customers a lot, and verbal stumbles erode Customer confidence.

Bars are just fine now by me. One recent Dinner was a total disaster for me because my Wife's relatively-new Gal Pal is a Binger. She alone got well into her 2nd Bottle of Wine, and hit 4 tokes of Pot thereafter. Call the Recycling Center because she was trashed. Other times, she's been within the norm. There's an obvious Codependency going on. I've since bailed w/o regrets on that promising foursome. I'll possibly circle back around to that foursome ~1 year into Sobriety, and have promised only to re-examine the situation at some distant future time. For now, the Gals can carry on w/o me. So far, the understanding from this Couple re: my 'new' Sobriety is reasonably understanding. I can't get into stressful, escape-resistant situations if I'm not there. It's just 'too soon' for me. I'm letting each Relationship play out as it will. Overall, I plan to hang with former Pals/Drinkers because most all have slowed WAY down with age. 1 or 2 Drinking Couples at Dinners in or out are fine thus far. Time will tell, and I'm very aware of potential complacence.

I'm getting A LOT from this Site, and hope to post more near-term. Good Folks here, obviously.

Sasha4

I so love not being the star attraction anymore!!!!
I have never thought of it like that. I love that!

I think that it could have carried on for another 5 or 10 years for me, being the drunkest train wreck at every party, function, occasion I went to.
I'm super glad I stopped it.

I'm known for having some strange interests.
I spend a lot of time on my own.
I like looking at pictures of derelict buildings and how they have decayed inside. I collect globes. I love the number 4.
I am sure people snigger and laugh about it, but for me I would rather they laugh at me for that than for being a drunk.
I can cope with that!

xx