bigsombrero

My group of buddies and their wives have two big parties each year. One is to kick off Spring at the beginning of April, the other to kick off Autumn at the beginning of September (my apologies to those in the Southern Hemisphere, I know that sounds backwards).

These parties are complete booze-fests. The guys rib each other like the old college days, and nobody's ever without a beer in hand. There are shots, drinking games, slam-offs, etc. Mind you, these people are in their late 30's or early 40's.

Well it's almost April, and the big party is coming up. I did not attend the events last year, as it was my first year of sobriety. Now I've been invited again....and I don't want to go. However, I feel like I'm hurting the feelings of these folks. I can't help but feel I am letting them down by not attending. I think they feel I am being "anti-social"...but I don't want my "social" life to include this kind of thing. These were my best friends before I got sober, and without many new friends, they are kind of all I've got for now. It's making me anxious thinking about it. It's next weekend.

Am I crazy for not wanting to go to these semi-annual parties anymore?

GroundhogDay

Most of us secretly hate parties and weddings, I think. But we go anyway for the social networking. And yes, social networking is important to our survival and success.

Dee74

No I don't think you're crazy

I don't get much out of booze fests anymore - if I ever walk into one I make my excuses pretty quick. It's not fear, I just find it insanely boring.

If I want to catch up with old buddies I give them a call and make plans to catch up - no alcohol needs to be involved.

alphaomega

No way are you crazy. You are protecting something so precious and so hard earned . It's not a them thing, it's a you thing.

May I ask, do they know you are sober ?

Aarryckha

Heck, no, I don't think that's crazy.

I wouldn't want to be around that kind of environment either.

jdooner

I wouldn't but if you do, I would suggest having a plan A and plan B for an exit strategy. I would make sure you always have a non alcoholic drink in hand and I would set a specific time to leave. That said, if it is truly a booze fest then you don't have a legit reason to attend being sober...so I would prob find something else.

I have actually never found these events to be fun. When I was active I always woke up with regrets from these events. I am glad I have no interest anymore.

Aren't you moving to another State?

least

I don't think you're crazy either. Don't go if you don't want to. It's your life, after all.

EndGameNYC

What would be crazy would be to put yourself in a dangerous situation because you're afraid to let someone else down. You've been around here long enough to know how badly these things so often go.

If you do go, and as has been suggested, you need an exit strategy, and you need to follow through with it before you pick up a drink.

No one's feelings are so important to me that I'll place myself in jeopardy of revisiting my living hell for them.

awuh1

Just a thought, but you might want to attend just so you can serve as an example to those who may later decide they have a problem and want to stop. Perhaps just go for a brief period of time during the beginning of the event. Be honest about stopping and let everyone know you are staying only for a short period of time. I believe you would get more respect for doing this than you might anticipate. These people are friends after all, and being useful is what friends are for.

However, I agree with those above who say not to go if it poses a threat to your sobriety.

DG0409

I think this says it all. No need to over-complicate it.

As Dee said, if you want to be social with them, call them up and schedule a time to hang out without booze. If you don't really want to be social with them then don't.

Vandermast

man i notice all your posts and you ave worked so hard to kick the drink.....

i dont think its selfish at all that you dont want to go

all the other posts in this regard are really good....you'll make the choice that is right for you...bearing in mind your hard won freedom....

me personally find that when sober i just go to these things and leave when I feel like it...better to have that safety net as no one else will have it for you????

I really like your posts and wish you well my friend
v

MeSoSober

Do these friends know you're sober now? If they do, surely they would understand that their party would at best probably not be much fun for you and at worst would screw up your sobriety.

Pretty sure I couldn't do it. That for me, a decision to go to a party like that, where the booze is really the point, would be tantamount to a decision to drink. Or torture myself by NOT drinking.

Brian316

I don't think you're crazy at all man. I've been invited to annual gatherings by friends I grew up with (a guy I've known since I was like 12 comes to mind) that are booze and smoke fests and I don't go. Yeah it does feel kind of antisocial, but those things just aren't for me right now. Maybe one day I can do it and be ok, but that time is not here yet. I know you have longer sober time but still if you feel "weird" about it at all, I wouldn't go.

TopFlight

I probably wouldn't go myself. Typically these are situations you can predict the outcome of- people getting messed up, quickly. I'd either make a short appearance, catch up a bit with some friends, then call it a night or avoid the party again for the second year in a row. I've made the mistake in the past of thinking a situation like this would turn out better than I thought, but unfortunately that wasn't the case.

FeelingGreat

If these are good old friends, then it's understandable you'd want to catch up with them. When I attend drinking events I make a conscious effort to be very upbeat, which is not my usual demeanour. If other's are being high spirited through booze, I will try to get into the spirit and usually end up having a lot of fun.

1newcreation

What bout "your feelings"? Coz that's who you'll be looking @ in the mirror the next day!...alone

Hope4Life

I have made the choice to eliminate these kind of gatherings from my life. IMO, the people I used to drink with were 'drinking buddies' and not true friends.

I look at it this way..... would I give any of these people the key to my house, if I suddenly had to leave town? ABSOLUTELY NOT! Although, I do have true friends that still drink that I would trust implicitly, they do not have parties that are 'booze fests'.

The most important thing to YOU is YOUR sobriety. Guard it.....

wackybunny

Go if you want but here are some thoughts I have, for what they're worth... I'm probably writing this for myself because I have a similar issue avoiding avoid certain social situations now.

They may be upset if you don't go. But you may be overestimating how upset they'll actually be. Perhaps they'll only think about it for ten minutes or long enough to harass you about it but not really be so offended they don't want you as a friend. As for you letting them down, are they worried about letting you down by inviting you to a booze up party? Maybe they invited you because they care and want you to still feel included but respect your reasons for not going.
You can do something nice for them to show friendship in other ways (even just call for a chat or invite them for lunch). Or you can make an excuse not to go, plan a trip out of town, pretend you got sick last minute... Or worst case scenario, have a heart to heart and tell them how you really feel and how much you value them. We're grown ups now and can do what we decide is best for us. If you can't be friends with them and still do what's best for you... anyway...

Mountainmanbob

in no way are you crazy regarding not wishing to go
let us face the truth here
these heavy drinking parties just are not fun for us anymore

I do know a way in which to make a simple appearance (if you wish)

show up for the party just a little late
enjoy some time with some friends for an hour or so
slip out for a nice long walk
this gets you away for a while and no one will even miss you
return for another hour or two of visiting and then leave

I have used this method and for me it works very well

MM

afloatsober

No way crazy. If you were a recovering crack addict would you go to a 'crack fest' out of a feeling of obligation and loyalty. No, if your sober (and bloody hard earned) head tells you it would be at worst folly and at best, an ordeal, give it a miss and enjoy the sense of relief that you will feel at having made the right decision.
Good friends will get it.
My last relapse began at (but not because of) my attending a beery birthday party and the spiral down was breakneck and terrible...