lightnlove

Hi, I used to be very social. Then, after losing my friends because of my addiction, and no money, my ex boyfriend and I stayed home all the time. But when we did go out, I was too shy to talk to anyone...until I got a few drinks in me. It even came to the point that I avoided social gatherings and couldnt even get intimate with my ex unless I was drinking. I am newly single and am so fearful to date again and get intimate without being drunk. I just dont know what to do. Everyone keeps asking me when I will start dating again, bit am afraid because I might be a bore justbtjinking that I cannot go over crazy with booze. i am currently taking milk thistle which is helping with the cravings, but the insomnia is preventing me fromvstopping with thw booze at night. i apologize ifbthere are typos, I am onvmy phone and it is difficultbto edit words! I guess I just wanted to get that out since my family doesnt know I have a problem and have no one to ask for advice. Thanks!!

matt4x4

Ah yeah, the pitfalls and springs of the mind. Soooo self conscience. This brings me back to my newcomer days. What if this or that happens. Looking back at the past, and looking forward into the future, planning away. Just means I am urinating in today.

Cravings only happen when you take a drink. Otherwise its just a thought, or obsession. On your phone? and typing? odd!!!!!!!!!!!!! Never heard of that. Something is up!!!!!!!!!!! What is up?????????

SteveJr

I was always shy and anti-social. Those couple of drinks (at first) made me more social. Add about five years of routine drinking, I turned into someone incredibly obnoxious who damaged my friendships, lost trust from family, friends, & myself.
The longer I was sober, the less insomnia I had.

I just take risks, talk with people, laugh at myself if I say something stupid. Everybody's different, but after the hell alcohol brought me through, it's easier to talk with people, mostly because my mind reminds me of the gratitude that I don't have to be dependent on that **** ever again.

nicole100

You should try to fight through it without a nightly drink. You may have a few tired days, but it should fade.

Good luck!

Ryno03272009

I can relate to all of what you shared. I was always a "drink to party" type of drinker - from beginning almost until I decided I had enough. After I decided I had enough of the drinking, I still wanted to party but quickly learned I did not know how to do that sober (with out drinking).

I had many times when I "stopped" drinking and tried to date and that also became awkward (or maybe Thats what I thought anyways). One time, I brought a date home (and I was sober) and things had gone well enough between the two of us that we were going to bed together. I quickly learned a unfortunate reality... I didnt know how to have sex without being drunk! So i decided to go out to the kitchen to make us "one drink"... Long story short - I woke up next morning on the living room couch to the date I came home with calling me a a-hole and slamming the door. My roommates told me i had the "one drink" and then more and more and forgot about her and went and partied with neighbors who were up drinking... I guess I wasn't ready yet at that time to just be responsible with someone I enjoyed being with sober (for the entire night).

Later on...And FINALLY when I made the decision to live a sober life and put drinking behind me I had to do a lot of work with finding myself before I realized... I AM BORING!! But In realizing this I also came to make acquaintances with many people who I would now consider "normal" who were not "party drinkers" and who are responsible and appreciated the things I do and I began to figure out how to date with out drinking and today... I have a wonderful girlfriend of 3 years who I sometimes know thinks I am boring but i am her kind of boring so we fit well together.

Keep your chin up and stay away from those "Party drinker" scenes and get involved with the program and when the time is right you will meet some people or maybe a specific person who appreciates the boring you (like I did with my gf) and this relationship will help continue you to build your sobriety and the realization that "boring" is OK and in fact its NORMAL

Johno1967

Same here. I was a reserved, shy and awkward 18 year old when I started drinking to fit in with my army mates. 27 years later after, the army is a a distant memory I stopped drinking and find myself to be a reserved, shy and awkward 46 year old.
Bit hard to change now! 😃

FeelingGreat

Hi Lightnlove, my theory is that a lot of alcoholics start by drinking for confidence. It's a great social lubricator except when you get to point where you can't stop. I ended up drinking alone, so it didn't really help my social life.
Do you need to rush into dating or a drinks based social life? Maybe you could start small with activities that aren't focussed on drinking, but some other activity like sports, or yoga or hiking. Doing an activity takes the focus off having to interact directly with others. Volunteering is another possible activity where you meet people with a purpose in mind. Don't let your friends pressure you into doing something uncomfortable that threatens your sobriety.

PurpleKnight

Along time ago, I resolved when it came to relaitonships not to be something that I'm not, if someone doesn't like the new Sober reserved you then that's their problem, and the relationship is probably not going to work anyways, so I wouldn't worry about someone elses opinion of you.

I do think though it takes time to adjust, and being Sober, you'll realise you were not the life and soul of the party to begin with, the party would have still continued without any of us being there . . . standing completely Sober in a bar, watching what's going on, you realise that there are so many things happening, and people naturally talk to other people that they don't know in social settings.

The thing is when I drank, I didn't have conversations either, the evening revolved around "managing" my drinking, so in a way there was no difference between drunk and Sober, I still needed to learn how to have a confident conversation, you'll be surprised how much drunk conversation (late into the evening) revolves around nothing that memorable, in fact I can't say I used to remember that much about any previous evening.

Being Sober however opens up new possibilities

Pipefish

Saw a woman on a train recently wearing a badge that said "I like boring things" It made me smile & I wanted one too

Of course, the irony, the 'things' in question are not actually boring, they're just generally speaking not reliant on partying or imbibing. In reality, hard as I tried to like those things, I never liked them, and in order to 'cope' and 'have a good time' on terms that didn't belong to me, I drank. In truth, to me, those were the boring things, and that becomes ever more true for me personally as time goes by. Not my cup of tea, never were.

I love that I no longer feel the pressure to be someone I'm not...it's liberating. Sobriety is great for finding out who you are, and what you enjoy. Go for it, and doing it solo, is slowly getting to be one of the joys of my recovery.

And as for intimacy drunk...imo, that's not really intimacy, it's just sex, and they are very different things. I rarely/never made a wise decision about dates or relationships drunk, and as I still struggle with that sober, the best I can do for now, is leave that be, and focus on being OK with me first

Wish you well. Take good care of yourself

NedStark

I used to have major problems with shyness. I always needed a drink. It's something that you will have to work on yourself. You aren't a boring person, I'm sure. All I can say is, in time it will be easier. Drink helps a lot of people, but it isn't true unless it comes from you and not the drink.

You will get better in time, just look for ways to slowly build confidence and self esteem. Small things, baby steps. Eventually they will grow and you will be better for it. You will get there in the end, will just need a little patience.

gravity

One of the AA "promises" is to no longer be afraid of people. Between AA and counselling, I've changed from a quiet, awkward drunk guy into a confident outgoing sober guy. Dating isn't a problem for me.

Ryno03272009

By coincidence, yesterdays reading from Hazeldens 24hours a day book related to us as alcoholics finding our true selves...

"We have gotten rid of our false, drinking selves and found our real, sober selves. And we turn to God our Father for help just as the Prodigal Son rose and went to his Father. At the end of the story the Father of the Prodigal Son and says: 'He was dead and is alive again. He was lost and is found.' We alcoholics who have found sobriety in AA were certainly dead and are alive again. We were lost and are found. Am I alive again?"

Even if you feel like your not "alive" like you were whilst drinking I hope you realize that by being sober you will become more alive than ever before... Only in different and better ways.

sobermeplease

Ryno

Joe Nerv

Same here.

I originally started drinking so I could not be shy, and I could meet, and date women. And it worked. That was pretty much what was at the root of my alcoholism. That turned on me quickly, and when it did things got really ugly. The fear was compounded beyond anything I ever imagined, and I became suicidially depressed, and agoraphobic.

Through the help of AA, and the 12 steps I'm no longer the person I was before I ever picked up a drink, and certainly not the person the drink turned me into. Dated a lot during my sober years, and I'm now happily married to a woman I've been with for almost 18 years.

Important part I think for me was that dating was not my goal when I got sober. Feeling like a normal human being was. I threw everything I had into getting sober and becoming a new person. The rest then fell into place. When we're feeling horrible about ourselves it's a challenge to be outgoing. When we start reaping the rewards of a sober life, confidence can't help but to creep in. The steps helped me to start trusting that things would go as they should, AA helped me start learning to relate to people sober, helped me crack open the shell I lived and climb out.

I would add lots of detail to the above, but I have to get to work. Honesty, open mindedness and willingness were the key for me to all the above. AA, and diving headfirst into the steps pushed the door wide open.

Stang

There are some things far worse than being alone. Being a drunk is one of them.