quitter13

I'm a few days short of 90 days and my 37th birthday. Yesterday my wife and I had a fight that lasted from 3pm to 3am. It actually started earlier in the day but she took off at 3pm and was gone for 6 hours with no contact. When she got home the issues had simmered to where she was in a rage. Unfortunately, these things happen at least once a week lately. She got violent and punched and kicked me about 20 times. I try not to react when she does that but she chases me around the house and corners me tries to challenge me to fight. If I try to leave she blocks the doors. Finally I slammed her into the wall to get her to stop. I try to never touch her in these situations because I know that no matter what the situation is , I am the one that will go to jail because I'm the man. But it is hard because I am much bigger than her and if any other person did the things she did to me, I would not allow them to get away with it. After about an hour of fighting she took off again. Since I do love her I can't just go to sleep and forget about it. So I lay awake until 3am when she finally comes home. She is calm by that point and we don't talk. It takes another hour for me to calm down and fall asleep...for 3 hours before going to work. I wish I could say this is the first day I've been to work on 3 hours of sleep because of problems like this at home but it's not. The irony is that these issues are effecting my job much more then drinking ever did. Last week I was the one that had to leave around 10pm to get away from her. I literally had to trick her and run out the back door. Not sneak out, but run as fast I could because she was chasing me. I ended up sitting in the car in a parking lot for 3 hours until things cooled down. I have a regular spot in the parking lot at a local park where I sit for hours and listen to music or read these days when this stuff happens.

I feel like I have to get out but I can't. My wife does't work so I am supporting us both. We share one car and I pay all of the bills. In the state where we live I am responsible for her. I can't abandon her so I feel like if I were to move out I would somehow have to pay for two apartments and get a second car so we both have our own. I am barely making enough to support us as is so those are not options. I've also been told not to make drastic life and relationship decisions for 6-12 months after getting sober.

I have talked to her about counseling both for together and individually but she refuses. Her mother is a schizophrenic who lives under assisted living and the longer I know my wife the more I see that she has some sort of underlying issues as well. She gets very irrational about things and has manic ups and downs.

Just need to get that off my chest. Hope everyone else is doing better then me.

huntingtontx

Wow, Dr. Phil says we teach people how to treat us, and I really believe we do. Next time she hits you call the cops and have her arrested. They will give her a place to stay. Get a restraining order and let her know till she seeks help, you can do nothing with her. No one, male or female should put up with abuse. End of story. If you were a woman everyone would be yelling at you to leave. You are a human and that is not the way you should be treated.

quitter13

I wish it were that easy. As I said, I know that the police automatically blame the male. To complicate things, she worked for the police department for 8 years so not only does she know a lot of the cops but she knows the system and what to say. She can turn it on and off at the drop of a hat so I know once the police arrive she would be crying and saying that I did things that I didn't and odds are the responding officers might be people she knows. It's complicated.

freethinking

That's really tough. I've been arrested for hitting my husband. The cops could just tell that I was the crazy one, and he had scratch marks on his hands so that is all they needed to go on.

One thing my husband did was also tape record (using his phone) my violent outbursts. While it made me irate to find out he did this, it was the right thing to do and he got me out of the house.

The tougher part of your situation is alimony, if you leave. I have no advice there, but I understand the frustration there.

Does she drink? I cannot imagine acting like this and staying out until 3am if one was not drinking. What you are describing, is me drunk.

suki44883

I am so sorry you are going through this. Physical abuse is ALWAYS wrong and no one should have to put up with it.

If it were me, I would go visit with an attorney and find out exactly what my rights are. No one should have to live the way you are living and I am sure there is some legal way for you to get out.

quitter13

She actually does not drink. The last time she drank was before I quit. That would be the easy answer but unfortunately I believe she has a much deeper underlying psychiatric condition. I actually do try to record her on my phone when things get out of control (as recommended by my former therapist) but she knows what I am doing so now when she sees the phone come out she flips the switch and starts to act calmly and tries to say things that incriminate me. Once again, she worked for the police for a long time so she knows what to say on camera that makes anything I record useless because she knows how to make me look bad instead of her.

quitter13

Yes thanks. I have spoken to one. It will cost me a minimum of $4000 which will really hurt. But I'm afraid if I try to do things with "cheaper" legal representation it will hurt more in the long run.

suki44883

Sounds like you have a decision to make. You can spend the money and get out or continue to live with her abuse and craziness. I know which one I would choose.

freethinking

My husband took out $4k (exactly) that we didn't have to attain a lawyer for this very matter. They advised him exactly what to do (the tape recording was one, of several suggestions). He, effectively, got me out of the house and I was therefore forced to address my mental health and alcohol issues.

The only time cops were involved was to serve me with the TRO stating I had to leave the house. They really had no *say* in serving me with the papers and making sure I left the premises. It was their JOB, because a judge had ordered it.

It's just like quitting drinking...you have to know which one you want more: do you want the madness to end or do you kinda/sorta want to stay.

I know this sounds weird, but if you love your wife, you'll do this.

quitter13

Thanks everyone for letting me vent. And by the way, I do not think drinking would improve my situation ;-) At least I have a clear mind to deal with this

Carlotta

Hi Quitter.
Domestic violence is not acceptable no matter who is the perpetrator. There are some good advice from people on this thread and I would also suggest that you call your local DV hotline. Many men are subjected to DV and there is no shame in seeking help. The fact that you do not hit back speaks highly for your character but not hitting back does not mean that you should be some crazed woman's punching bag.
I hope you will keep on being sober especially since you need a clear head to deal with the situation and also like some have stated, she might be drinking too. I know quite a few people with mental health problems and they are not violent.
Something happens when she takes off like that and comes back home acting like a banshee. Sounds like my physically abusive XABF.
There is a good sticky on the Friends and Family forum regarding domestic abuse with lots of resources. Here is the link http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...out-abuse.html

Take good care of yourself and keep your sobriety no matter what. Hugs

quitter13

I won't lie, though. I can be very rude and abrasive with her, and I have a tendency to break and destroy things. Yesterday before anything escalated I got mad because we were arguing and almost threw my phone and a bottle of bleach at the cat. She had not touched me at all before that. I've also been dishonest throughout this relationship, and done some shady things to her. Yesterday, when I shoved her, I did it outside and dragged her outside on the front porch. I hope the neighbors didn't see. I am not innocent either, ,and have participated in domestic violence as well. My brother has a history of mental issues also, so it looks like it runs in both families.

Carlotta

It's good that you are being honest about your part in it and it looks like you both need to work on anger issues.
I am a bit concerned about the poor cat. Have you guys hit him before when you two were fighting? He could be the innocent outlet for your anger and this is not his fault . Maybe you should look into finding him a new home or at least get him boarded by a friend/family member while you two are working on your domestic issues. The poor baby is probably so confused and so scared and none of it is his fault

quitter13

i.

Hawkeye13

It sounds like you two need very much to be apart.

I think you should do whatever it takes to make that happen.

It is fantastic you are staying sober and dealing with this, but frankly,
it sounds like a powder keg that will explode, and it is just a matter of time.

freethinking

Wow, you almost through a bottle of bleach at the cat? Sorry to be harsh, but that is f*cking awful. House pets are defenseless creatures who look to us as parents. WHy would that even occur to you?

I think it's good to be honest, but I hope you *hear* that abuse against animals is just LOW.

Sudz No More

It hard as it will be to do you might be better off being separated. When a relationship gets that bad it becomes dangerous in many different ways. Sometimes doing the right thing in life is painful, is there a place you can stay for free while you work things out? If you get the divorce finalized isn't it possible that you won't have to pay anymore?

quitter13

Actually no. That was my wife hacking into my account to post things to make herself feel better about herself. That is what I am dealing with.

freethinking

GET A F*CKING LAWYER.Your wife is out of control. I cannot stress enough, get a lawyer.

And to the wife, if you are reading this: see a doctor and get on some meds. Or, if you are lying about drug/alcohol use, get help. Your life is spiralling out of control.

And give the poor cat to a friend for the time being. Evil people abuse animals.

Brian316

I am really sorry to hear about this Quitter. You know, we are all sick people here because of our disease but people can be sick and sober too. As it sounds like you are finding out. Good for you for staying sober tho, know that if you drink that's all the more ammo she could use against you. I do think you need to leave. I had to get away from a verbally abusive spouse to stay serene. But it never got physical. My best advice- leave and focus on your recovery. Do not stay for her to abuse you again and do not drink.