ImperfectlyMe

So I hate to get all transcendental on y'all but I was thinking about something this morning

As I was sitting in complete quietness, a rarity for me, I thought of how I wish I could do so many things in my life over. I thought and I thought and then I thought

I started thinking what if right now is my do over. What if in this very moment I was just given my do over opportunity and I just didn't know it. What if I continue the way I'm living with my head in the clouds and my feet buried deep in the sand, standing still as stone watching life go on around me. What if this way of living will lead me to deeper disrepair where one day ill wish I could do this part of my life over?

I've been semi asleep at the wheel a supporting character in my own life rather then the leading role. I've let others expectations of what I ought to do be my guide. I've settled a lot in life for fear of success.

In 10 years ill be half way through my 40's with teenage daughters. My mom role, which pretty much makes up my entire identity, will be drastically different. So today I decided its time to start making a life for me. In 10 years I can look back and wonder what could have been or I can decide today to start doing things to put me where I want to be.

It may sound small and ridiculous to some but I think when my youngest starts kindergarten, September, I'm going to go back to work. I'm not going to go back to the family business, which is what has always been presumed. I'm going to do something that is rewarding to me and fun and allows me to feel I'm contributing and don't have to ask for every penny I spend. That's as far as I've gotten, but it's pretty huge for me. I'm sick of sitting in my tower of isolation watching the world go by. Oh and today is 11 months sober !

sugarbear1

Congrats on 11 months!!!!!

alphaomega

Welcome to the first day of the rest of your life --

Congrats on 11 months. That's HUGE !!!

adee

I love this post - thank you for sharing your aha moment - it doesn't sound at all silly or small to me. I think you are right - we will look back at this as the fork in the road: do-over vs. do-nothing (or do-worse). I am earlier in sobriety but I'm starting to feel the most amazing sense of possibility, which in and of itself is a revelation. I'm hoping that as I go, I'll start having more concrete ideas of what to do with that possibility, as you are. Congratulations on 11 months!

jdooner

I am so proud of you! You are an inspiration and a great friend. I think you already know this is the right move for you. I encourage you to break down the construct of "I" and re-evaluate your self identity. As you know mine was blown up in this process and I am so grateful I blew up everything I thought I knew and am starting over from scratch.

You are being reborn and its a privilege to watch this transformation occur! Congratulations on the 11months but more so on realizing you next steps in life. Most people go through their life sleepwalking and die having never woken up.

Try reading Awakening by De Mello - great book on this topic.

Nevertheless

I always liked the saying.
"The best time to plant a tree was 20 years ago. The next best time is today"

And also... "If you truly love your work,you won't have to work a day in your life"

Of course,I myself have yet to find a job fishing or watching TV all day. But I'll keep looking

Fred

PurpleKnight

You gotta live YOUR life the way you want to!! . . . don't let anyone tell you how to live YOUR life!! . . . no point in getting to the end of it and looking back thinking "should of, could of, would of"!!

Go for it!!

EndGameNYC

Great stuff, IM. Yes, this is your "do-over." And your fantasy is very popular...the ability to go back in time and change things in order to get a better result. So popular is it that people actually act it out over the lifespan, without even knowing it, in what is known as "repetition compulsion" in my field. We tend to repeat traumatic events in order to master them in the present. Perhaps the most widely-used example is repeating behaviors from our abusive childhoods in present and future relationships. These behaviors are not always obvious, and typically present in symbolic form. For example, people with PTSD often re-experience the traumatic event(s) in dreams, hallucinations or in other, symbolic re-enactments.

There's a short story, Doctor Heidegger's Experiment, written by Nathaniel Hawthorne, that speaks to this issue from a novel perspective. Dr. H. offers four of his friends to drink from the fountain of youth which allows them to be young again. All four have lived admittedly wasteful and empty lives, and they promise themselves and each other that they won't repeat their destructive mistakes. They believe they have a chance to be the perfect people they never were. As soon as they start "growing" younger, they resume their bad behaviors, continue to make poor decisions and essentially lay the foundation for lives that are equally wasteful as the lives they lived before taking the drink.

Perfection, doing everything "the right way," never hurting ourselves or other people...all illusions.

You've made a great deal of headway by the tremendous support you've offered here. It's clear to me that you've been making progress since I read what were your first comments for me.

Perhaps the only good thing about trauma is that it presents us with a perfect opportunity to recreate ourselves. You're doing great.

SoberLeigh

11 sober months - beautiful; well done.

ImperfectlyMe

End game thank you so much for that comment it really meant a lot to me!

jdooner

Endgame - so much of your post spoke to me. Its taken a lot of therapy to realize that I have been unconsciously living a vicious cycle of past trauma over and over with tons of rage built around it doing out in unharnessed ways at my self and externally at others for over 30 years. Part of this has create an immense drive fueled by insecurity and a thrust to quench a hungry ghost (my addictions). Part of it was to suppress he little boy that was abused. In some instances I became the abuser and bully wielding status, money and power to keep others down and other instances yearning for the love I was unable to get in my childhood by putting myself in an abusive situation.

LadyBlue0527

Congratulations on 11 months!

Sudz No More

11 Months! Live it whoo!

silentrun

Congratulations on 11 months ImperfectlyMe.

Kaneda8888

Wonderful post and congrats on 11 months !

matt4x4

You are lucky if you are able to get a do over or a mulligan. Its just gambling when we decide to drink and something happens. Remember that this is a progressive disease. It gets worse never better. Even in sobriety.