Newcomer Inching Towards Recovery
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: Philadelphia, PA
Posts: 5
Newcomer Inching Towards Recovery Hi, everyone. I wrote this on January 16th, I can't believe it was that long ago, but things have stayed the same. I think about not drinking every day, I'm trying to get there. I think starting here will help. This is where I'm at. And after reading a lot of posts here I think you can probably relate. -Jen (Also, not sure I can post something this huge but we'll see.)
What I'm about to say is hard. But I'm ready to share this, at least from this comfortable, semi-anonymous spot. For the past, I don't even know how many years, I've been walking a fine line between "drinking a lot" and "alcoholic". I really don't know how long it's been going on. I tried to come up with a date in therapy today. All I could say was that I've been drinking heavily for at least 5 years, practically daily for probably two. I tried putting marks on my calendar when there was a day that I didn't drink but the marks became so few and far between that it just depressed me to continue doing it.
Today I realized something important: "I don't feel anything," I told my therapist. She's a god damn genius who I believe generally cares about what happens to me and wants better things for me. I've been seeing her for years. "...Which is why I started drinking so much in the first place," I said, "because I didn't want to feel anything. And now I have reasons to feel and it's just sad." One of those reasons is my gf. We met in early August (2013) and it was nuts [....] What I'm trying to get at is that I can't have both relationships. I can't be with her and continue my f-ed up, self-abusive relationship with alcohol. I just can't do both. And there's one that I want more than the other. I was telling my therapist this and she was like, "Well, I'm hoping..." "It's her," I said.
Drinking is not fun anymore and it's definitely not funny. I'm ashamed of myself and embarrassed. It affects every single aspect of my life. It's gotten worse since I've been living alone. I can drink whenever I want and however much I want without anyone around to notice and possibly judge me. I can get so drunk I'm stumbling around my apartment and running into things. The last time I lived with someone I was already drinking enough, and regularly, to know that sometimes I was blacking out. I know because of things he would tell me later and I'd have to admit that I had absolutely no memory of what he was telling me. There's nothing cute about that. It's pathetic. Sometimes it feels like I'm physically dying. Because I am, I am slowly killing myself.
When I say it affects every aspect of my life, I'm not kidding. It's reached the point where I don't want to go out. I've never been terribly social but now I'm practically a hermit. I go to work, I go to the liquor store, I come home. Repeat. I'm a solitary drunk. I prefer to buy a bottle after work (vodka, gin, bourbon, sometimes wine) and go straight home and start drinking. Alone. Alcohol has this awesome side affect (which a lot of people probably don't realize): It worsens your anxiety. Most people know it's a depressant, but it also does wonders for anxiety. Which is crazy because I'm already anxious all the time, and stressed, and in order to go out I feel like I need to be at least a little bit tipsy to handle the anxiety... Perfect circles.
So for a while now my therapist has been suggesting detox, rehab, AA, all of which I turned my nose up at, believing I could handle it myself. My longest sober stretch in recent memory occurred at the end of July 2013. I lasted 12 days. And I felt incredible. I was less anxious, happy, I could think! My brain wasn't all fuzzy. I physically felt and looked better. My therapist recalled that period today. "You looked bright-eyed," she said, "I liked seeing you like that." But the bitch of addiction is that it's very, very tricky and very, very persuasive. Thoughts started creeping in, thoughts like, "you've done so well, I bet you could handle a few drinks, as a reward!" I can't. And part of me knew that. But I gave in to my addiction and almost immediately went right back to drinking daily.
Detox? I'm not physically addicted to it. Yet. So no.
Rehab? I'm still not over being locked up on psych units as a teenager so... No.
AA? Um. Maybe? Lately I've been feeling an overwhelming need to sit with people who understand this ****. Who know how it feels to not be able to say no, who have these overwhelming cravings and feel powerless against them. Because no matter how much someone who doesn't have this problem can sympathize, they can't, CANNOT, ever empathize with how this feels. This psychological prison that makes you care about almost nothing but your next drink.
I'm working on finding the courage to go to a meeting. It's scary and it's hard and I don't want to admit that it really is this bad. Like I said earlier, it's shameful and embarrassing. But I'm getting there. I'm very, very close. Finally. I want to be free and I want to fully feel these awesome feelings that my wonderful, supportive gf evokes. I want to be present.
What I'm about to say is hard. But I'm ready to share this, at least from this comfortable, semi-anonymous spot. For the past, I don't even know how many years, I've been walking a fine line between "drinking a lot" and "alcoholic". I really don't know how long it's been going on. I tried to come up with a date in therapy today. All I could say was that I've been drinking heavily for at least 5 years, practically daily for probably two. I tried putting marks on my calendar when there was a day that I didn't drink but the marks became so few and far between that it just depressed me to continue doing it.
Today I realized something important: "I don't feel anything," I told my therapist. She's a god damn genius who I believe generally cares about what happens to me and wants better things for me. I've been seeing her for years. "...Which is why I started drinking so much in the first place," I said, "because I didn't want to feel anything. And now I have reasons to feel and it's just sad." One of those reasons is my gf. We met in early August (2013) and it was nuts [....] What I'm trying to get at is that I can't have both relationships. I can't be with her and continue my f-ed up, self-abusive relationship with alcohol. I just can't do both. And there's one that I want more than the other. I was telling my therapist this and she was like, "Well, I'm hoping..." "It's her," I said.
Drinking is not fun anymore and it's definitely not funny. I'm ashamed of myself and embarrassed. It affects every single aspect of my life. It's gotten worse since I've been living alone. I can drink whenever I want and however much I want without anyone around to notice and possibly judge me. I can get so drunk I'm stumbling around my apartment and running into things. The last time I lived with someone I was already drinking enough, and regularly, to know that sometimes I was blacking out. I know because of things he would tell me later and I'd have to admit that I had absolutely no memory of what he was telling me. There's nothing cute about that. It's pathetic. Sometimes it feels like I'm physically dying. Because I am, I am slowly killing myself.
When I say it affects every aspect of my life, I'm not kidding. It's reached the point where I don't want to go out. I've never been terribly social but now I'm practically a hermit. I go to work, I go to the liquor store, I come home. Repeat. I'm a solitary drunk. I prefer to buy a bottle after work (vodka, gin, bourbon, sometimes wine) and go straight home and start drinking. Alone. Alcohol has this awesome side affect (which a lot of people probably don't realize): It worsens your anxiety. Most people know it's a depressant, but it also does wonders for anxiety. Which is crazy because I'm already anxious all the time, and stressed, and in order to go out I feel like I need to be at least a little bit tipsy to handle the anxiety... Perfect circles.
So for a while now my therapist has been suggesting detox, rehab, AA, all of which I turned my nose up at, believing I could handle it myself. My longest sober stretch in recent memory occurred at the end of July 2013. I lasted 12 days. And I felt incredible. I was less anxious, happy, I could think! My brain wasn't all fuzzy. I physically felt and looked better. My therapist recalled that period today. "You looked bright-eyed," she said, "I liked seeing you like that." But the bitch of addiction is that it's very, very tricky and very, very persuasive. Thoughts started creeping in, thoughts like, "you've done so well, I bet you could handle a few drinks, as a reward!" I can't. And part of me knew that. But I gave in to my addiction and almost immediately went right back to drinking daily.
Detox? I'm not physically addicted to it. Yet. So no.
Rehab? I'm still not over being locked up on psych units as a teenager so... No.
AA? Um. Maybe? Lately I've been feeling an overwhelming need to sit with people who understand this ****. Who know how it feels to not be able to say no, who have these overwhelming cravings and feel powerless against them. Because no matter how much someone who doesn't have this problem can sympathize, they can't, CANNOT, ever empathize with how this feels. This psychological prison that makes you care about almost nothing but your next drink.
I'm working on finding the courage to go to a meeting. It's scary and it's hard and I don't want to admit that it really is this bad. Like I said earlier, it's shameful and embarrassing. But I'm getting there. I'm very, very close. Finally. I want to be free and I want to fully feel these awesome feelings that my wonderful, supportive gf evokes. I want to be present.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 29
I know its tough to tell your story but I hope it helps that I can relate to pretty much everything you just said. Especially the part about living alone. I know what you're going through. I'm hoping you feel a little better now that you've gotten it out.
Congratulations on the first step.. and good luck
Congratulations on the first step.. and good luck
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