Need Guidance - Telling An Alcoholic Parent About Your Own Alcoholism & Recovery
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Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 2
Need Guidance - Telling An Alcoholic Parent About Your Own Alcoholism & Recovery
Hi everyone...
My last and only post was back in September of 2011 so this is my second post. Back then, it was my first time really thinking seriously about stopping my drinking and seeking help. Well, wouldn't you know it, about two and a half years passed and my drinking got much worse but I finally stopped and got help! Go figure that doing it on your own is virtually impossible. After about 9,000 times trying to 'stop drinking for awhile' and failing, only to get progressively worse...I am now 30 days sober today. I volunteered myself into an Intensive Outpatient Program (best thing I ever did) and have been attending regular AA meetings and working the steps. Group sessions and really absorbing the wisdom of the community has been incredible. I was ready to stop and I needed to. Drinking was no longer fun...and it was time I meet the sober me and get to know that great guy for awhile. I really hated myself and person I had become. That was my 'bottom'. To continue on this path would have surely meant a very early death (a fifth a day habit) and most likely the loss of a job and many damaged relationships.
So far it's been good and I am living completely in the present and just enjoying being sober. So while I take one day at a time, I have also been telling folks about my alcoholism. I have only told my sister and three very trustworthy friends. I feel good telling people that I know are supportive, compassionate and empathetic. I have not told my parents yet (I am middle age and they are in their late 60s). They have been divorced a long time. I will tell my mom eventually after a significant amount of clean time. She is not an alcoholic and has never drank in her life but she is a very sensitive person and I know she will be very concerned and possibly break down and feel very guilty. With time and more wisdom I can likely frame my message to her more effectively and assure her everything is great! She'll need that. However my father is a different story. No surprises here but alcoholism runs rampant in his family. All of his siblings are alcoholics.
I have contemplated the best way to tell my father about my own struggles. My family and friends whom I told, had no idea about my problem. They just figured all of my excuses to cancel plans and be unreliable were due to 'anxiety'. But I was a master manipulator and very cunning (which I learned from my disease of course). I hid everything very well and designed my life around hiding my drinking from others. I was a recluse and very anti-social. I live alone and that was by design. All so I could binge for days on end and not show my face in public or have to answer to anyone. Ultimately I would like to tell him when I'm ready but I don't have much in common with him. I worry about his health as he has liver problems and is approaching retirement. I am concerned when he has nothing to do all day he will start drinking even heavier and it will kill him. He is a daily drinker.
My father can be distant, cold and selfish...just like I was. He was never really there for me, and these are resentments in my life that I need to deal with as part of my recovery. But that's down the road. I am just concentrating on sobriety today. But all of my childhood and adult life...75% of my total time ever spent with my dad was when he was drunk. I may not even really know the real him...as he most likely doesn't know the real me. We share some familial traits sure, but he sometimes feels like a stranger to me. I do feel compelled to tell him though and maybe selfishly to see if I can pass along some of this knowledge I've learned recently and help him.
I am probably making this future conversation much more complex than maybe it will play out but I can't help it. I envision this being hard since we don't talk about intimate details but perhaps it's time we did. It's never too late. I am just unsure the words I want to use and the perspective in which I want to tell my story to him. Maybe I just need to tell him how I've told everyone else...with honesty and just straight forwardness. But I'm not sure if I even need to address the other 800lb gorilla in the room...his alcoholism (mine is the other 800lb gorilla, to me at least). This is not something our family has ever talked about so that's probably why I am unsure how to approach it.
Part of me wants to tell him I'm concerned about him AFTER I tell him about my problem. But the other half of me recognizes some people need to be warmed up and not scared away from step 1: admitting and accepting you're powerless over alcohol. I don't even know if that's a good idea or not. I could simply tell him about my problem and not acknowledge his, at that particular moment...and just see how he reacts. But then again I would be remiss as his son if I didn't eventually or even then...use this an opportunity to try to help him.
I realize it's easy to get caught up in sobriety early on here, and 30 days is great for me but still very very new in the grand scheme of things. I don't want to sit here and play counselor to him and think I know it all but I do know he has a problem...because I have a problem. Any guidance, advice or stories about how you addressed an alcoholic parent would be appreciated. Thank you!
My last and only post was back in September of 2011 so this is my second post. Back then, it was my first time really thinking seriously about stopping my drinking and seeking help. Well, wouldn't you know it, about two and a half years passed and my drinking got much worse but I finally stopped and got help! Go figure that doing it on your own is virtually impossible. After about 9,000 times trying to 'stop drinking for awhile' and failing, only to get progressively worse...I am now 30 days sober today. I volunteered myself into an Intensive Outpatient Program (best thing I ever did) and have been attending regular AA meetings and working the steps. Group sessions and really absorbing the wisdom of the community has been incredible. I was ready to stop and I needed to. Drinking was no longer fun...and it was time I meet the sober me and get to know that great guy for awhile. I really hated myself and person I had become. That was my 'bottom'. To continue on this path would have surely meant a very early death (a fifth a day habit) and most likely the loss of a job and many damaged relationships.
So far it's been good and I am living completely in the present and just enjoying being sober. So while I take one day at a time, I have also been telling folks about my alcoholism. I have only told my sister and three very trustworthy friends. I feel good telling people that I know are supportive, compassionate and empathetic. I have not told my parents yet (I am middle age and they are in their late 60s). They have been divorced a long time. I will tell my mom eventually after a significant amount of clean time. She is not an alcoholic and has never drank in her life but she is a very sensitive person and I know she will be very concerned and possibly break down and feel very guilty. With time and more wisdom I can likely frame my message to her more effectively and assure her everything is great! She'll need that. However my father is a different story. No surprises here but alcoholism runs rampant in his family. All of his siblings are alcoholics.
I have contemplated the best way to tell my father about my own struggles. My family and friends whom I told, had no idea about my problem. They just figured all of my excuses to cancel plans and be unreliable were due to 'anxiety'. But I was a master manipulator and very cunning (which I learned from my disease of course). I hid everything very well and designed my life around hiding my drinking from others. I was a recluse and very anti-social. I live alone and that was by design. All so I could binge for days on end and not show my face in public or have to answer to anyone. Ultimately I would like to tell him when I'm ready but I don't have much in common with him. I worry about his health as he has liver problems and is approaching retirement. I am concerned when he has nothing to do all day he will start drinking even heavier and it will kill him. He is a daily drinker.
My father can be distant, cold and selfish...just like I was. He was never really there for me, and these are resentments in my life that I need to deal with as part of my recovery. But that's down the road. I am just concentrating on sobriety today. But all of my childhood and adult life...75% of my total time ever spent with my dad was when he was drunk. I may not even really know the real him...as he most likely doesn't know the real me. We share some familial traits sure, but he sometimes feels like a stranger to me. I do feel compelled to tell him though and maybe selfishly to see if I can pass along some of this knowledge I've learned recently and help him.
I am probably making this future conversation much more complex than maybe it will play out but I can't help it. I envision this being hard since we don't talk about intimate details but perhaps it's time we did. It's never too late. I am just unsure the words I want to use and the perspective in which I want to tell my story to him. Maybe I just need to tell him how I've told everyone else...with honesty and just straight forwardness. But I'm not sure if I even need to address the other 800lb gorilla in the room...his alcoholism (mine is the other 800lb gorilla, to me at least). This is not something our family has ever talked about so that's probably why I am unsure how to approach it.
Part of me wants to tell him I'm concerned about him AFTER I tell him about my problem. But the other half of me recognizes some people need to be warmed up and not scared away from step 1: admitting and accepting you're powerless over alcohol. I don't even know if that's a good idea or not. I could simply tell him about my problem and not acknowledge his, at that particular moment...and just see how he reacts. But then again I would be remiss as his son if I didn't eventually or even then...use this an opportunity to try to help him.
I realize it's easy to get caught up in sobriety early on here, and 30 days is great for me but still very very new in the grand scheme of things. I don't want to sit here and play counselor to him and think I know it all but I do know he has a problem...because I have a problem. Any guidance, advice or stories about how you addressed an alcoholic parent would be appreciated. Thank you!
12 Step Recovered Alcoholic
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 6,613
I have an alcoholic mother. When I got sober she got worse. Despite everyone's best efforts and two treatments she never got sober. She just doesn't want it. I learned quickly that I have no power over another's alcoholism.
My father, a non alcoholic, sounds a bit like yours in that we never talked on an intimate or emotional level. There were things I needed to address with him and I think I would have done the same things even if he were alcoholic.
The important thing for me was to make amends for my actions. The first thing was to stay sober, take the steps, and convince him by my example that I was on the right track at last. This took a while as family are always slow to believe as I had let them down so many times before.
Then I wrote a letter, expressing my regret for the things I did and asking his forgiveness. I also let him know I loved him and thought he was a great dad.
A little while later I got a reply, which I still have. It is one of my most precious possessions. Between the two letters there was forgiveness and reconciliation, he even acknowledged his own faults. We knew how we each felt about the other.
We never discussed those letters. But when he died, there was nothing left unsaid between us.
Writing him was my sponsors idea, but it was one of the best things I ever did.
Hope this helps.
My father, a non alcoholic, sounds a bit like yours in that we never talked on an intimate or emotional level. There were things I needed to address with him and I think I would have done the same things even if he were alcoholic.
The important thing for me was to make amends for my actions. The first thing was to stay sober, take the steps, and convince him by my example that I was on the right track at last. This took a while as family are always slow to believe as I had let them down so many times before.
Then I wrote a letter, expressing my regret for the things I did and asking his forgiveness. I also let him know I loved him and thought he was a great dad.
A little while later I got a reply, which I still have. It is one of my most precious possessions. Between the two letters there was forgiveness and reconciliation, he even acknowledged his own faults. We knew how we each felt about the other.
We never discussed those letters. But when he died, there was nothing left unsaid between us.
Writing him was my sponsors idea, but it was one of the best things I ever did.
Hope this helps.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 861
Welcome back!
I decided to not tell my mom much about my abuse of alcohol. But I don't talk much with her so it was not difficult. If you are closer to your parents, I can see why you'd want to share what is happening in your life.
I don't see anything wrong with telling your dad that you are concerned about him. Just be ready for whatever outcome may happen. Don't jeopardize your own sobriety.
I decided to not tell my mom much about my abuse of alcohol. But I don't talk much with her so it was not difficult. If you are closer to your parents, I can see why you'd want to share what is happening in your life.
I don't see anything wrong with telling your dad that you are concerned about him. Just be ready for whatever outcome may happen. Don't jeopardize your own sobriety.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: KC MO
Posts: 980
Congrats on 30 days sober.
Most of us knew or know we have a problem and need or needed to quit.
I knew for years I needed to stop. I am sure your father is no different.
You say he has liver problems,and we all know good and well about liver problems and drinking. I myself would not say a word about trying to convince him to quit. Someone talking to me about my drinking always made me get good and drunk. "I'll show them"..........
In my opinion the best way to convert someone is to set an example. Make them want what you have.Of course,if your father had no idea you had a 5th a day habit. It will be difficult to show him the difference between the old you and the new you.
When you quit drinking,they call it an emotional roller coaster. And that is exactly what it is. When we first quit,it is so obvious to ourselves "this is kool". "I know a lot of people that really need to experience this." But in reality,we all know quitting is very very hard. And it HAS to be the other persons idea. Not ours.
I hope you don't take this the wrong way. But I think you are riding the emotional roller coaster,and need to give all of this a little more time. Perhaps wait for the dust to settle,until you fall into a new routine. I think if you wait a little bit,the answer to your question about telling both your mother and father will become a lot more clear.
Of course all of that is only my opinion. But once you do something,it can at times be hard to undo.
Fred
Most of us knew or know we have a problem and need or needed to quit.
I knew for years I needed to stop. I am sure your father is no different.
You say he has liver problems,and we all know good and well about liver problems and drinking. I myself would not say a word about trying to convince him to quit. Someone talking to me about my drinking always made me get good and drunk. "I'll show them"..........
In my opinion the best way to convert someone is to set an example. Make them want what you have.Of course,if your father had no idea you had a 5th a day habit. It will be difficult to show him the difference between the old you and the new you.
When you quit drinking,they call it an emotional roller coaster. And that is exactly what it is. When we first quit,it is so obvious to ourselves "this is kool". "I know a lot of people that really need to experience this." But in reality,we all know quitting is very very hard. And it HAS to be the other persons idea. Not ours.
I hope you don't take this the wrong way. But I think you are riding the emotional roller coaster,and need to give all of this a little more time. Perhaps wait for the dust to settle,until you fall into a new routine. I think if you wait a little bit,the answer to your question about telling both your mother and father will become a lot more clear.
Of course all of that is only my opinion. But once you do something,it can at times be hard to undo.
Fred
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