Feeling lonely
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Central America/Florida USA
Posts: 4,064
Feeling lonely
Morning all,
I think my entire social circle falls into 2 groups:
1. "Coffee-and-a-handshake friends": These are friends in the recovery community I see every other week or so. We chat at a meeting, talk about the weather, and go our separate ways.
2. "9-to-5 friends": These are work people. We also talk about the weather, have a few laughs at the office, and then go our separate ways.
Folks, this is all I've got.
Before getting sober at age 36, my group of friends was still made up mostly of old college buddies. In order to protect my sobriety (and also my embarrassment for needing treatment for my alcoholism) I've separated from that group almost completely. I think it was a necessary sacrifice. But it left me empty-handed.
Being alone in my first year of sobriety was very good for me. But now I'm feeling a little freaked out. I'm at a tough age (38 and single) to meet new people. Sometimes I feel that if I don't hurry up, I never will meet anyone. Since getting sober I've traveled the world, got a new job, got myself out of financial ruin and even dated a bit....so why do I feel so lonely and pathetic? Am I being too hard on myself here?
I think my entire social circle falls into 2 groups:
1. "Coffee-and-a-handshake friends": These are friends in the recovery community I see every other week or so. We chat at a meeting, talk about the weather, and go our separate ways.
2. "9-to-5 friends": These are work people. We also talk about the weather, have a few laughs at the office, and then go our separate ways.
Folks, this is all I've got.
Before getting sober at age 36, my group of friends was still made up mostly of old college buddies. In order to protect my sobriety (and also my embarrassment for needing treatment for my alcoholism) I've separated from that group almost completely. I think it was a necessary sacrifice. But it left me empty-handed.
Being alone in my first year of sobriety was very good for me. But now I'm feeling a little freaked out. I'm at a tough age (38 and single) to meet new people. Sometimes I feel that if I don't hurry up, I never will meet anyone. Since getting sober I've traveled the world, got a new job, got myself out of financial ruin and even dated a bit....so why do I feel so lonely and pathetic? Am I being too hard on myself here?
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: nj
Posts: 470
What are you doing to meet people? doesn't sound like much.
Why don't you join a gym (met my husband at one)? Join a weekly run or bicycle group. Find a hobby? Take an adult school class. Join a book club. Volunteer? These are good and healthy ways to meet people in places where you will meet people your age. Pick something you like to do and the people you meet there will already have something in common with you. The more you're out there, the more people you will meet!
Why don't you join a gym (met my husband at one)? Join a weekly run or bicycle group. Find a hobby? Take an adult school class. Join a book club. Volunteer? These are good and healthy ways to meet people in places where you will meet people your age. Pick something you like to do and the people you meet there will already have something in common with you. The more you're out there, the more people you will meet!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 246
I think its tougher these days but i also think people appreciate it when others reach out. Maybe you can be that person, just dont be attached to the results if someone is not open to it, move on. If you are not familiar with meetup groups in your area, google it and check it out. The events are activity centered so you can avoid the drinking ones and people are generally there to meet others or at least very open to it. Congrats on your sobriety!!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Central America/Florida USA
Posts: 4,064
I think this long, cold, brutal winter has also got me down. It's been extremely tough simply not being able to go outside much. 
I'd gladly join a bike group, if it were above 10 degrees on a regular basis. I had many more casual friends when I lived abroad last summer and was out every day.
I am also planning to relocate this summer and move to a new city. I think I am not really "investing much" in new Chicago friendships right now because of this.
I'd gladly join a bike group, if it were above 10 degrees on a regular basis. I had many more casual friends when I lived abroad last summer and was out every day.I am also planning to relocate this summer and move to a new city. I think I am not really "investing much" in new Chicago friendships right now because of this.
Canine Welfare Advocate
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Norfolk, VA
Posts: 10,962
Are we talking lonely for intimacy here, Big? For a lady friend? Or general, run-of-the-mill loneliness?
I'm paraphrasing, but years ago I read a book that talked about interpersonal relationships and how they are driven by the need to be "stroked" by others. A "stoke" is any interaction that satisfies the innate human need for contact, mental as well as physical. Each person needs a certain amount of strokes. A loved one, family, provide big strokes. Close, intimate friends provide another level of stokes. But even a smile from the barista or a friendly greeting from store clerk is a stroke.
Not getting big strokes? Fill them with little ones. Life is all about the accumulation.
I'm paraphrasing, but years ago I read a book that talked about interpersonal relationships and how they are driven by the need to be "stroked" by others. A "stoke" is any interaction that satisfies the innate human need for contact, mental as well as physical. Each person needs a certain amount of strokes. A loved one, family, provide big strokes. Close, intimate friends provide another level of stokes. But even a smile from the barista or a friendly greeting from store clerk is a stroke.
Not getting big strokes? Fill them with little ones. Life is all about the accumulation.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 3,359
Originally Posted by bigsombrero 
I think this long, cold, brutal winter has also got me down. It's been extremely tough simply not being able to go outside much. I'd gladly join a bike group, if it were above 10 degrees on a regular basis. I had many more casual friends when I lived abroad last summer and was out every day.
I am also planning to relocate this summer and move to a new city. I think I am not really "investing much" in new Chicago friendships right now because of this.
I'd gladly join a bike group, if it were above 10 degrees on a regular basis. I had many more casual friends when I lived abroad last summer and was out every day.I am also planning to relocate this summer and move to a new city. I think I am not really "investing much" in new Chicago friendships right now because of this.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Central America/Florida USA
Posts: 4,064
Originally Posted by doggonecarl
Not getting big strokes? Fill them with little ones. Life is all about the accumulation.
And so do your words! Thanks buddy, it's good to just have someone say "you're doing okay man" - that's all I need sometimes. Much appreciated pal.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Central America/Florida USA
Posts: 4,064
Originally Posted by jdooner
I find certain more established parts of the Country can be more difficult meeting people. While on the fringe, I do believe Chicago fits into this category. It sounds like you might be much happier in California either North (San Fran) or South San Diego areas. Its more of a welcoming communal lifestyle.
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Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Nutmegger
Posts: 1,799
I live outside of NYC and I know the weather is having a dramatic effect on my psyche. (Apparently there is another whopper headed our way….). I wouldn't discount how much it affects us. We tend to be more insular, less communal, less adventurous….I just want to see some color, I am so sick of grey, brown and white……it is hard to believe spring will ever arrive.
I haven't been sober for nearly as long as you but I finally feel like I am ready to dig my heels in and get involved with the world again. But it's hard. People drive around windows up, rush in and out of places because of the cold, no one is strolling along leisurely, hanging out in cafes or the park, running. There was a good article yesterday on the seriousness of cabin fever.
I do think you are being too hard on yourself. Getting sober and having to recreate big parts of our life is like being dropped on the moon. The hard part is that you are still in the same surroundings you were in before so the only one that feels the disconnect is you. I think bridging that gap is where you are now.
Maybe feeling lonely is a good sign? A sign that you have enough in order internally now to start to add in other elements. I think your past has rewarded you with a certain maturity and discrimination, perhaps you are not even aware of. My guess is that you probably enter situations and relationships thoughtfully. That aspect is likely to mean that future relationships are going to matter and be a good fit, and while they may take awhile to manifest, they will be worth the wait.
I haven't been sober for nearly as long as you but I finally feel like I am ready to dig my heels in and get involved with the world again. But it's hard. People drive around windows up, rush in and out of places because of the cold, no one is strolling along leisurely, hanging out in cafes or the park, running. There was a good article yesterday on the seriousness of cabin fever.
I do think you are being too hard on yourself. Getting sober and having to recreate big parts of our life is like being dropped on the moon. The hard part is that you are still in the same surroundings you were in before so the only one that feels the disconnect is you. I think bridging that gap is where you are now.
Maybe feeling lonely is a good sign? A sign that you have enough in order internally now to start to add in other elements. I think your past has rewarded you with a certain maturity and discrimination, perhaps you are not even aware of. My guess is that you probably enter situations and relationships thoughtfully. That aspect is likely to mean that future relationships are going to matter and be a good fit, and while they may take awhile to manifest, they will be worth the wait.
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Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Norfolk, VA
Posts: 10,962
Originally Posted by bigsombrero
Yes, the smiles from baristas and kind words from waiters and hotel clerks do, in fact, help. The conversations I had on the plane yesterday with strangers helped. The kind words that I receive from my clients & customers at work help also. The friendly banter with coworkers helps also.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Brooklyn, ny
Posts: 734
I agree with Jdooner. If I were on my own I think I'd move to a sunny, friendlier place. Not that the people aren't great in Chicago or NYC ( my hometown) but perhaps it's the hard winter's plus the particular stresses of big city life that make it harder to form lasting friendships.
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Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 3,359
Originally Posted by jaynie04
I live outside of NYC and I know the weather is having a dramatic effect on my psyche. (Apparently there is another whopper headed our way….). I wouldn't discount how much it affects us. We tend to be more insular, less communal, less adventurous….I just want to see some color, I am so sick of grey, brown and white……it is hard to believe spring will ever arrive.
I haven't been sober for nearly as long as you but I finally feel like I am ready to dig my heels in and get involved with the world again. But it's hard. People drive around windows up, rush in and out of places because of the cold, no one is strolling along leisurely, hanging out in cafes or the park, running. There was a good article yesterday on the seriousness of cabin fever.
I do think you are being too hard on yourself. Getting sober and having to recreate big parts of our life is like being dropped on the moon. The hard part is that you are still in the same surroundings you were in before so the only one that feels the disconnect is you. I think bridging that gap is where you are now.
Maybe feeling lonely is a good sign? A sign that you have enough in order internally now to start to add in other elements. I think your past has rewarded you with a certain maturity and discrimination, perhaps you are not even aware of. My guess is that you probably enter situations and relationships thoughtfully. That aspect is likely to mean that future relationships are going to matter and be a good fit, and while they may take awhile to manifest, they will be worth the wait.
I haven't been sober for nearly as long as you but I finally feel like I am ready to dig my heels in and get involved with the world again. But it's hard. People drive around windows up, rush in and out of places because of the cold, no one is strolling along leisurely, hanging out in cafes or the park, running. There was a good article yesterday on the seriousness of cabin fever.
I do think you are being too hard on yourself. Getting sober and having to recreate big parts of our life is like being dropped on the moon. The hard part is that you are still in the same surroundings you were in before so the only one that feels the disconnect is you. I think bridging that gap is where you are now.
Maybe feeling lonely is a good sign? A sign that you have enough in order internally now to start to add in other elements. I think your past has rewarded you with a certain maturity and discrimination, perhaps you are not even aware of. My guess is that you probably enter situations and relationships thoughtfully. That aspect is likely to mean that future relationships are going to matter and be a good fit, and while they may take awhile to manifest, they will be worth the wait.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 1,949
did you have more good friends in Central America or was it the same? I made a lot of friends when I was down there. Not so much the ex pats..but the locals..what jd said is true. a lot of people think geography isn't part of the problem but different
places with different cultures can mean all the difference.. it seems if you reach out to someone these days they give you a look like,,"are you kidding me I'm married with kids..I don't have time for friends" so I get where your coming from. you didn't have to limit yourself to your own job or social circles to look for a friend or a gal...
places with different cultures can mean all the difference.. it seems if you reach out to someone these days they give you a look like,,"are you kidding me I'm married with kids..I don't have time for friends" so I get where your coming from. you didn't have to limit yourself to your own job or social circles to look for a friend or a gal...
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Here, EH!!!
Posts: 1,337
Originally Posted by bigsombrero
Morning all,
I think my entire social circle falls into 2 groups:
1. "Coffee-and-a-handshake friends": These are friends in the recovery community I see every other week or so. We chat at a meeting, talk about the weather, and go our separate ways.
2. "9-to-5 friends": These are work people. We also talk about the weather, have a few laughs at the office, and then go our separate ways.
Folks, this is all I've got.
Before getting sober at age 36, my group of friends was still made up mostly of old college buddies. In order to protect my sobriety (and also my embarrassment for needing treatment for my alcoholism) I've separated from that group almost completely. I think it was a necessary sacrifice. But it left me empty-handed.
Being alone in my first year of sobriety was very good for me. But now I'm feeling a little freaked out. I'm at a tough age (38 and single) to meet new people. Sometimes I feel that if I don't hurry up, I never will meet anyone. Since getting sober I've traveled the world, got a new job, got myself out of financial ruin and even dated a bit....so why do I feel so lonely and pathetic? Am I being too hard on myself here?
I think my entire social circle falls into 2 groups:
1. "Coffee-and-a-handshake friends": These are friends in the recovery community I see every other week or so. We chat at a meeting, talk about the weather, and go our separate ways.
2. "9-to-5 friends": These are work people. We also talk about the weather, have a few laughs at the office, and then go our separate ways.
Folks, this is all I've got.
Before getting sober at age 36, my group of friends was still made up mostly of old college buddies. In order to protect my sobriety (and also my embarrassment for needing treatment for my alcoholism) I've separated from that group almost completely. I think it was a necessary sacrifice. But it left me empty-handed.
Being alone in my first year of sobriety was very good for me. But now I'm feeling a little freaked out. I'm at a tough age (38 and single) to meet new people. Sometimes I feel that if I don't hurry up, I never will meet anyone. Since getting sober I've traveled the world, got a new job, got myself out of financial ruin and even dated a bit....so why do I feel so lonely and pathetic? Am I being too hard on myself here?
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: North salt lake
Posts: 3,325
Big, I think single and 38 is a wonderful age to meet. You're doing great. I lived in SD twice and did not care for it too much. Too crowded, too polluted, too much traffic, no place to park, just all too much. Unless!!!, you can afford a place on the beach. Then go forth young man! But I firmly believe whatever issues you face now, you will face regardless of your location. I'm a believer on volunteering, nothing is more satisfying than giving back. Prayers to you Friend.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Central America/Florida USA
Posts: 4,064
Thanks for the vote of confidence, folks. Just kind of checking in to confirm I'm not crazy here, and that I am on the right path. I think Janie made some really good points, and that it's probably a good sign that I'm restless for a little more companionship. And like Carl said, until that happens it's important to make the most of what we have.
Much appreciated!
Much appreciated!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Boston
Posts: 304
Hi Big, I don't think I've been sober as long as you have, but I know your loneliness. I had some luck meeting new people by doing meet ups. You are a photographer, so there are a ton of groups out there.
You are definitely not losing it. Lots of people are in the same boat.
You are definitely not losing it. Lots of people are in the same boat.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Lake Mary, FL
Posts: 159
yes, it does sound like you are being way hard on yourself. You are doing AWESOME!!! You listed so many achievements from just the last year or so....
I am 38 and single as well. I have used meetup groups and fitness buddy things to make a couple new friends.... there are a lot of people out there yet to be met.
I am 38 and single as well. I have used meetup groups and fitness buddy things to make a couple new friends.... there are a lot of people out there yet to be met.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 1,778
Originally Posted by bigsombrero
I think this long, cold, brutal winter has also got me down. It's been extremely tough simply not being able to go outside much. I'd gladly join a bike group, if it were above 10 degrees on a regular basis. I had many more casual friends when I lived abroad last summer and was out every day.
I am also planning to relocate this summer and move to a new city. I think I am not really "investing much" in new Chicago friendships right now because of this.
I'd gladly join a bike group, if it were above 10 degrees on a regular basis. I had many more casual friends when I lived abroad last summer and was out every day.I am also planning to relocate this summer and move to a new city. I think I am not really "investing much" in new Chicago friendships right now because of this.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Toronto
Posts: 3,195
I know how you feel. I am 37 and have been single since rehab 3 years ago. Like you, I don't have many interactions with closely connected people. Co-workers will always be acquaintances to me and my old friends are all married and in the suburbs so I do feel the same loneliness. I can't even go for a walk because its been so damn cold this winter...
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