Hello, and I drank
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2014
Posts: 1
Hello, and I drank
Wanted to say hello. I guess this is one way to introduce myself.
I've visited this site many of times, but only reading. It certainly helps tremendously as a tool to realize why drinking is bad, and seeing what others go through to bring comfort to reality.
In any case, I'm not sure whether or not I'm an alcoholic. Problem drinker, binge drinker, alcoholic, who knows. Yes, I realize only I do. Point is, I have a problem with drinking in some way or another and realized that. Having one or two at times when I drank was never really a thing. It was all or nothing, I'm sure everyone is familiar. In any case, I've decided the best way to treat myself is as an alcoholic.
I've had periods where I won't drink for long periods of time, and (more recently, e.g. past couple years) periods where I have drank all day everyday for extended periods of time. It has clearly impacted me from these more recent periods.
In any case, I've always been extremely into fitness and the gym and eating right. I had quit drinking around a year ago, and got my body and mind back. Then the drinking came back on strong. Very strong, and worst it has ever been. Caused significant problems in my life and made me look stupid.
I ended up having to taper off alcohol 3 separate times last year - which is sad just in itself. Yes, I realize tapering (and unsupervised) would never be recommended. It was VERY difficult and I went through major withdrawals. I was drinking well over 20 drinks/beers a day. My tapers were rather fast, at least as fast as I could. I used the structure of the HAMS method all times. Reducing by at least 2 beers/day at minimum, and sometimes more if I felt I could handle it. When I got down to the 5/day (spread out), 3/day (spread out), and then 1/day it got a little annoying since I just wanted to be done with it. I kept a log each time, with the exact time I drank the taper beer along with any other notes. It's sad I have 3 of these logs.
In any case I decided to quit for good at the end of 2013 and my last taper corresponded with this. I had only half a beer at the end of the day on 12/30/2013. After that, nothing.
Working out and fitness were back. I went hard and it felt good. Eating right, lots of vitamins, etc. - all the good stuff.
I knew about PAWS and tried to correlate the feelings I was having with PAWS and it made sense. Used that knowledge and reading this board to help through any tough times.
What made it the hardest, and still does, was being falling in love with someone who broke it off at the end of the last year. I won't get into it, but the heartbreak and losing her heart still continues to tear into me.
Anyway, I had a little over 1.5 months completely sober and doing well. Then I was traveling on a couple flights home last night (yes, from visiting the girl) and decided to have a couple beers while waiting. The trip itself went well but my feelings and heartache are still there. We are "friends" now but she knows I'm in love with her. I had 2 large draft beers and certainly got very buzzed. Boarded my plane. Of course I wanted more, so tried to order 2 more cans on plane but they only accepted cash and I only had debit card. So no more on that leg of the trip - which was probably good. I knew I was still going to drink a bit more since I already started. So in between connecting flights I had 2 more large draft beers, then hit the ATM just so I'd have some cash, as I planned on getting 2 more cans on the plane - which I did.
All in, I'm not sure how many I had but I was buzzed and kept the feeling going. I was texting with the girl on the plane (via Wifi) and kept telling myself not to. We were just going back and forth. But of course I got a bit emotional and said some emotional things and over-apologized for my feelings, etc etc. Also got a little obnoxious with the texting while she was trying to work. Nothing bad, just clearly a different person. I doubt she really noticed, but I did, and it just wasn't appropriate.
Anyway, after landing I stopped any more drinking. There were some beers at home but I didn't partake. It was very late at night. I called the girl and said goodnight, probably still acting a little different. Then fell asleep.
I feel terrible about breaking the long streak I had going. I sit and wonder if I am back at 0. I am not planning to drink today but now that I gave in yesterday I really want to. I am in that mode of "maybe just 1 more day" and I'll get back to the gym and normal tomorrow. I probably won't do it, but the feeling is there. I feel like I blew it with myself. I hope I didn't screw up anything PAWS related but may have in my brain. I can't deal with going through the depression again. It makes me unmotivated and miserable and I can't be wasting more time with that. I tried to do it right this morning by drinking lots of water, eating a decent breakfast, and taking all my vitamins. I'm so heartbroken because I know I lost her heart but mine is just so in love.
Anyway, I'll stop rambling and apologize for the long first post. I was hoping to at least go for the year sober but I hit that bump yesterday. Makes me feel like I screwed it all up. Even though I thought I was still having trouble before, looking back after my screw up makes me realize how good I actually felt.
I've visited this site many of times, but only reading. It certainly helps tremendously as a tool to realize why drinking is bad, and seeing what others go through to bring comfort to reality.
In any case, I'm not sure whether or not I'm an alcoholic. Problem drinker, binge drinker, alcoholic, who knows. Yes, I realize only I do. Point is, I have a problem with drinking in some way or another and realized that. Having one or two at times when I drank was never really a thing. It was all or nothing, I'm sure everyone is familiar. In any case, I've decided the best way to treat myself is as an alcoholic.
I've had periods where I won't drink for long periods of time, and (more recently, e.g. past couple years) periods where I have drank all day everyday for extended periods of time. It has clearly impacted me from these more recent periods.
In any case, I've always been extremely into fitness and the gym and eating right. I had quit drinking around a year ago, and got my body and mind back. Then the drinking came back on strong. Very strong, and worst it has ever been. Caused significant problems in my life and made me look stupid.
I ended up having to taper off alcohol 3 separate times last year - which is sad just in itself. Yes, I realize tapering (and unsupervised) would never be recommended. It was VERY difficult and I went through major withdrawals. I was drinking well over 20 drinks/beers a day. My tapers were rather fast, at least as fast as I could. I used the structure of the HAMS method all times. Reducing by at least 2 beers/day at minimum, and sometimes more if I felt I could handle it. When I got down to the 5/day (spread out), 3/day (spread out), and then 1/day it got a little annoying since I just wanted to be done with it. I kept a log each time, with the exact time I drank the taper beer along with any other notes. It's sad I have 3 of these logs.
In any case I decided to quit for good at the end of 2013 and my last taper corresponded with this. I had only half a beer at the end of the day on 12/30/2013. After that, nothing.
Working out and fitness were back. I went hard and it felt good. Eating right, lots of vitamins, etc. - all the good stuff.
I knew about PAWS and tried to correlate the feelings I was having with PAWS and it made sense. Used that knowledge and reading this board to help through any tough times.
What made it the hardest, and still does, was being falling in love with someone who broke it off at the end of the last year. I won't get into it, but the heartbreak and losing her heart still continues to tear into me.
Anyway, I had a little over 1.5 months completely sober and doing well. Then I was traveling on a couple flights home last night (yes, from visiting the girl) and decided to have a couple beers while waiting. The trip itself went well but my feelings and heartache are still there. We are "friends" now but she knows I'm in love with her. I had 2 large draft beers and certainly got very buzzed. Boarded my plane. Of course I wanted more, so tried to order 2 more cans on plane but they only accepted cash and I only had debit card. So no more on that leg of the trip - which was probably good. I knew I was still going to drink a bit more since I already started. So in between connecting flights I had 2 more large draft beers, then hit the ATM just so I'd have some cash, as I planned on getting 2 more cans on the plane - which I did.
All in, I'm not sure how many I had but I was buzzed and kept the feeling going. I was texting with the girl on the plane (via Wifi) and kept telling myself not to. We were just going back and forth. But of course I got a bit emotional and said some emotional things and over-apologized for my feelings, etc etc. Also got a little obnoxious with the texting while she was trying to work. Nothing bad, just clearly a different person. I doubt she really noticed, but I did, and it just wasn't appropriate.
Anyway, after landing I stopped any more drinking. There were some beers at home but I didn't partake. It was very late at night. I called the girl and said goodnight, probably still acting a little different. Then fell asleep.
I feel terrible about breaking the long streak I had going. I sit and wonder if I am back at 0. I am not planning to drink today but now that I gave in yesterday I really want to. I am in that mode of "maybe just 1 more day" and I'll get back to the gym and normal tomorrow. I probably won't do it, but the feeling is there. I feel like I blew it with myself. I hope I didn't screw up anything PAWS related but may have in my brain. I can't deal with going through the depression again. It makes me unmotivated and miserable and I can't be wasting more time with that. I tried to do it right this morning by drinking lots of water, eating a decent breakfast, and taking all my vitamins. I'm so heartbroken because I know I lost her heart but mine is just so in love.
Anyway, I'll stop rambling and apologize for the long first post. I was hoping to at least go for the year sober but I hit that bump yesterday. Makes me feel like I screwed it all up. Even though I thought I was still having trouble before, looking back after my screw up makes me realize how good I actually felt.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 138
Welcome!
We have all had those feelings here, or at least I have...I haven't been through the exact same situation, but I recognize the embarrassment, the not really sure what to do with yourself feeling that you're describing.
My advice is to commit to not drink today...and then show up tomorrow and make the same commitment. Try to keep your mind busy so you don't go back to that place.
We have all had those feelings here, or at least I have...I haven't been through the exact same situation, but I recognize the embarrassment, the not really sure what to do with yourself feeling that you're describing.
My advice is to commit to not drink today...and then show up tomorrow and make the same commitment. Try to keep your mind busy so you don't go back to that place.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Posts: 85
Thanks for your very honest post. Do you think your visit to your ex girlfriend triggered your decision to drink? Seems like it might have. I wonder if it wouldn't be better for you to put that whole thing on the back burner for the time being. Just a thought.
It's good you signed up and posted here. I find it quite helpful to read what others are going through and to reinforce why I don't want to drink.
It's good you signed up and posted here. I find it quite helpful to read what others are going through and to reinforce why I don't want to drink.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: binghamton ny
Posts: 6
Variable. You seem to have the motivation, and the want for a good life. Not sure if it will work for you, but one thing that helped me were my 3 dogs as I am at home all day since I lost my job. Ive volunteered at the local humaine society. It gives an extra boost of confidence. Whichever route you decide, keep reading posts and keep posting. Best of luck to you in your journey.
Keep fighting
Keep fighting
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Here, EH!!!
Posts: 1,337
Slipping does not have to be a part of recovery.
I know plenty of first timers, who came in and never relapsed. They seem happy and serene, they are laughing in the rooms and helping out newcomers by putting on Big Book Studies, not Big Book Discussions.
Depends on how low your bottom is, these days the lows can be pretty high.
Mine was down right low.
I know plenty of first timers, who came in and never relapsed. They seem happy and serene, they are laughing in the rooms and helping out newcomers by putting on Big Book Studies, not Big Book Discussions.
Depends on how low your bottom is, these days the lows can be pretty high.
Mine was down right low.
Canine Welfare Advocate
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Norfolk, VA
Posts: 10,962
Welcome to SR.
It's okay to feel sad, to feel heartbroken. It's not okay to drink over it.
Recovery is dealing with the bad times sober. Abstinence from alcohol is just not drinking. It leaves us ill prepared for heartbreak.
Originally Posted by Variable 
I'm so heartbroken because I know I lost her heart but mine is just so in love.
Recovery is dealing with the bad times sober. Abstinence from alcohol is just not drinking. It leaves us ill prepared for heartbreak.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,456
Welcome to SR Variable 
There's some great advice here....what happened in the past is done - we can;t undo it - but we can do a lot with what we decide to do today.
If we make better choices our lives get better - and so we
You'll find a lot of support here Variable
S
There's some great advice here....what happened in the past is done - we can;t undo it - but we can do a lot with what we decide to do today.
If we make better choices our lives get better - and so we
You'll find a lot of support here Variable
S
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