freethinking

I have about 16 days now and I am starting to feel extremely uncomfortable...with myself. I think about things I have done wrong all the time, or I think about things that make me sad...and in general I just feel hugely uncomfortable in my own skin. It's a creepy, icky feeling.

Any advice on how to deal with this?

ETA: It was suggested to me in a different thread that this disease is environmental...and we are not born with it, like I had previously thought. In being open to that idea, I am starting to get pissed off at what a sh*tty childhood I had. I don't want to think about my childhood, or feel sorry for myself. This is all just feeling very overwhelming.

IOAA2

At times I feel the same. I get to a meeting to hear a pearl I've heard before but forgot and talk about it with people who understand. Another thing I find useful is being grateful and that covers a lot of territory from being sober to just visiting a hospital or nursing home.

BE WELL

spryte

I found that when I was drinking, I was pushing down a lot of anxiety, fears, worries and so on. And when I stopped, they all came to the surface. I am sorting them out as time goes on, as I stay sober.

Take it easy on yourself! You don't need to figure everything out right away. Be kind to yourself and give yourself a pat on the back for staying sober.

I like the AA approach, one day at a time.

tomsteve

what yer feeling is rather common. the fog lifts and theres everything and it aint blotted out by alcohol.

"Any advice on how to deal with this?"

go to meetings, talk to your sponsor and others in recover,y read the big book, and follow the suggestions in it.
this,too,shall pass.

tobiano22

Definitely get to a meeting and share it, you will be shocked how many of us felt this way. I rode the pink cloud till about 4 months in, and all of a sudden all the emotions i had covered for years came at me in every single way. I was so scared of my own thoughts, and the only way i could deal with it was sharing my situation at Meetings, I started going through the Big book with my sponsor (read Bills story, it will help you understand your disease), and working with others. Helping someone just by sharing your story, and having them share theirs takes me out of my own drama... And I would suggest talking to the people in the meetings who are smiling... they've got what you want Do you have a sponsor?

freethinking

No, not yet.

caboblanco

It's early free...you can do it! I have total faith

KateL

I had all these feelings and sometimes till do, but not very often. You have to ride with it and it will get better. Meetings and all the above advice is all good xxxxxx

jdooner

Understanding the nature vs nurture is not to create blame but simply to understand why and how. Relying on the genetic argument allows you to throw your arms up and say, oh well this happened to me. You can take more responsibility to change things for yourself and break the cycle for your kids (not sure if you have any or plans in the future). Its also not want to be dealt with in the first month and there is no 100% just opinions.

I had no idea you were so early in sobriety. The early days are such a roller coaster. Go to this meeting, listen for someone you relate to and get a sponsor. You don't have to figure everything out in 16 days (congrats BTW), as I am sure you drank for longer than that. In time its all going to come together.

Your doing a great job and asking great questions

freethinking

Really? I feel the complete opposite. When I relied on the genetic theory, there was noone to blame. But when I rely on the environmental theory, my head goes nuts as a parent blaming my own parents, etc.

jdooner

We are responding to opposite threads of yours - too funny. That is sort of the point of the genetic argument no one to blame, just bad genes. But now you have power to change things and do something about it for you kids. I just don't think this matters at 16 days though.

This will come in time with the steps, step #4 and resentments and understanding your role in the resentment if you choose to work the steps.

If you change and work an AVRT program well, I believe understanding the environmental provides more personal accountability for our actions and this is empowering.

Understanding your childhood is getting to the root of your development and may open more doors. I feel hypocritical and saying this but I think you need more sober time before tackling a lot of this recovery stuff. It will all come in time - I am more than happy to provide my experience and my views but sometimes early on we can get overwhelmed and it is counterproductive.

I believe nature vs nurture was important for me to truly get step #1 and the powerlessness.

freethinking

My mom was/is a paranoid schizophrenic and was more obsessed with the government bugging our house than really minding what I was doing. My parents divorced when I was four and I had little discipline or supervision, and craved attention that wasn't given. So maybe, this was the environment that made me susceptible to being an alcoholic. I certainly don't feel my kids have the same environment. I still don't know if I disbelieve the theory that it is genetic and it "runs" in the family.

Anyway, I know this is a tangent...but this sort of stuff (the chatter on here) helps keep my mind occupied.

freethinking

How so? My understanding of the environmental theory is that the way we were raised contributes to our alcoholism. How are we responsible for that?

I know at 16 days it is not crucial I understand all of this yet...but it is interesting to me and helps pass the time. I usually drink during this time of day...

jdooner

Read some books on this topic - try reading both sides - Beyond the Influence for the genetic argument and In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts for the Environmental.

The genetic argument is primarily relied upon from the identical twin studies. I believe the flaw have been highlighted with many assumptions over the past decade. I don't think anyone can say either is right but it is definitely and interesting topic and perhaps why there has never been one single shred of scientific proof concluding without a doubt that there is one gene.

readerbaby71

I hate that feeling, but all you can do is work through it and hopefully let a lot of the guilt and anger go. We can't change the past. Are you seeing a therapist? It really helps.

EndGameNYC

The best thing I can offer you is the fact that I can barely remember ever feeling the way you describe. Not a boast, but a reality that is available to everyone who works on achieving sobriety.

rolliby

Early in sobriety, it is easy to focus on what I have done wrong. So many things. I still yet have gotten to the point where I feel like I've done anything "good" to remember. That takes time, it seems. Logically, as time passes in sobriety, the good memories will start to outweigh the bad. Sober time. I'm holding on to that focus and hope you do too. I need a lot of time myself. I resent how I've acted; how I've wasted my life in a bottle. Those thoughts are overwhelming. But I want to give sober time a chance to replace those self-loathing feelings. I want that more than a drink right now. Hold on to thoughts of future happiness and what we will be ABLE to do. What we have already done or experienced can not change, but today can. Today is hope. Tomorrow is hope.

Nuudawn

Um...I'm of the opinion that alcoholism is basically an "uncomfortable in own skin" disease. Spending sometime...with all your wits about ya..exploring the skin your in is the cure. Sometimes it smarts a little...but is passes : )

(sorry I do not mean to ruffle some trains of thought with my "cure" remark...tis a figure of speech)

beastactivity

Meditation helps, check out "Headspace" online, the free route is all you need because by the 4th or 5th lesson you can get your own headspace without some annoying guy disrupting your ten minute calm.

It teaches you how to shoo thoughts away, how to just let them pass through you like as if they were floating down a stream. I swear it saved my sanity, I now have a greater sense of living in the present-minute than anywhere else, not in the future or in the past and if my thoughts do start going to darker places I am able to snap back very easily. Even if I make a fool of myself one minute, regret it the next, by the NEXT I don't even care about it anymore. And I was like you dwelling, regretting, upsetting myself over stuff I no longer had any control over. It's very draining.

SillyString

Freethinking,
I think it's perfectly natural to question how and why we got to this place. I spent many years analyzing if I had a problem or not. Years that I definitely showed major signs of having a problem all the while. I think we all come to have our own set of beliefs in terms of the cause(s) of alcoholism. I think some of those beliefs are backed by hard science, and a lot of others are not. People will argue with you to the death regardless. Don't let that get you down.