Mother-in-law is an alcoholic
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Join Date: Dec 2013
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Mother-in-law is an alcoholic
My husband's mother has a serious problem. She is 53 years old and has a 19 year old son who still lives at home with her. Her husband died about 10 years ago and since then, her only source of income has been social security checks. After her husband died, the social security check that he was receiving started going to her, and her son also started receiving a check. She has known this whole time that there would be a time when the checks would stop coming and that she would have to get a job. She was told that her son's check would stop coming as soon as he graduated from high school, which was earlier this year. The social security check that she was receiving for herself stopped coming about 3-4 years ago. Since her son's check stopped coming back in June, they basically have had little to no income at all.
Like I said, she has known this whole time that the checks would stop coming and that she would need to get a job, and she has sat by and done nothing. Literally, everytime that we go visit her she is sitting on her couch watching Netflix or playing computer games. Not once have I seen her put in a job application. Her son is an adult now and he should be working also, but he makes up excuses why he can't work also. For the past several months, she hasn't had any car insurance because she hasn't been able to afford the payments. This is her excuse when someone tells her that she needs to get a job. She says "I cant get a job because I dont have car insurance! I cant drive my car so how can I get to work??"
Its her fault that she has no car insurance. She shouldn't have waited until she couldn't afford it anyone. She should have been looking for a job long ago. Its a laughable excuse anyway. If you really want a job, You will drive your car to work whether it has insurance or not. She has no other option. She is no longer able to pay her mortgage and is about to lose her house. What logical person would sit around doing absolutely nothing, and lose their house just because they dont have car insurance? It makes no sense.
She lives 400 miles away from us so thankfully I dont have to deal with her that often but its to the point where I dont even like visiting her anymore. Last time we were there, she asked my husband to buy her some cigarettes and alcohol. For reasons unknown to me, he actually bought them for her. I knew that he had bought her the cigarettes, but I didnt know about the alcohol until later. The same day he bought her the alcohol, she ended up having a breakdown right in front of my husband and I. She was crying about how shes so depressed and has all these financial issues. Shes just looking for someone to tell her that they will bail her out and take care of all her problems for her, but instead my husband response is that she needs to get a job. She used the same excuse as always. "I dont have car insurance, I cant get a job! I dont know how Ill get there!". After we left her house I actually ended up breaking down into tears myself because it is just so frustrating trying to talk to her. All she does is whine about her problems and portray herself to be a victim, and make up excuses. In reality, shes perfectly capable of helping herself.
I found out later that she had been drinking right before she had this little outburst. I asked my husband "Where did she get alcohol from?? She doesnt have any money to buy it herself. Who is buying her alcohol??" He reluctantly admitted that she asked him for it and that he bought it. I became very upset and asked him why on earth he would buy his alcoholic mother alcohol?? He knows its a problem for her and that hes only enabling her and making her problems worse by doing so, yet he continues to do it anyway. He said that sometimes doing what she wants is less stressful than having her get mad because she didnt get her way. The way I look at it is like this. So what if you have to deal with a few minutes of her pouting and whining because you didnt buy her alcohol like she asked? Isnt it worth it knowing that at least you aren't supporting and contributing to your mother's drinking problem and her destructive behavior? I would think that it would be.
A few months ago, he told me that she asked him to pay her credit card bill, and he did. He didn't tell me about it when it happened, this was yet another thing that I had to find out for myself later on. I asked what other bills he had paid for her and he said that he paid her internet bill. He said he only did it because her internet bill and phone bill are together and so if her internet got cut off, her phone would too... and he didnt want that to happen. Basically the only way she has been getting by these past few months has been mooching off of family members and having other people pay her bills. I told my husband a while back that he could "help" his mother as long as it wasn't putting too much of a strain on us financially and as long as he was actually HELPING her and not enabling her. He agreed to it... but I feel like he hasn't followed through with what he agreed to. Hes been helping her but in all the wrong ways. When I said help her, I meant like maybe take her to the doctor and get her on some antidepressants, or try to get her to go to an AA meeting.
Everyone paying her bills and giving her money isn't solving anything. This has been going on for years. Its just making her worse. She feels like she doesnt HAVE to get a job because she knows all she has to do is call a family member and they'll pay her bills or buy her whatever she wants. It all started a few years ago when my husband gave her $1000 because she was 2 months behind on her mortgage payment. Here we are in the same situation, shes on the verge of losing her house again.
My husband says sometimes she talks crazy and even like she could be suicidal. So his logic is that if he doesnt give in to everything that she asks him to do, it might make her even more depressed and maybe she will even kill herself. I just fail to see how enabling her and contributing to all of this is the better option.
He complains that it feels like I dont trust him to make the right decisions but the reason is because I dont feel like he HAS made any of the right decisions. Paying her bills or buying her alcohol might be a temporary fix... it may make her feel better or solve the problem in that very moment... but what about the next day or the next week? The cycle just continues.... I've been having to put up with this for 3 years and Im getting pretty sick of dealing with it. My husband and I have only been married for a few years and we are trying to start our own life, start a family, buy a house, etc... I just want for her to get her life straight so we can focus on our own lives.
He says that theres no way he can force her to go to the doctors office to get on medication or to go to an AA meeting. He says she will just deny that she has a problem and she will become embarrassed. Maybe thats true but Ive never even seen him TRY to get her to go get help. I think the alcohol is her main issue. I dont think she will be able to get the depression taken care of until she can stop drinking. So I think we need to focus on the alcohol issue first.... but how do we get her to stop? Other than putting our foot down and not buying the alcohol for her, what else can we do? Hes telling me that its to the point where he thinks shes suicidal.... Is there any way she could be forced into getting help if its to the point where her life is in danger? My husband admits that hes made some bad decisions and he seems to agree with me on most of this stuff but its like he just doesnt have the courage to do anything about it. He would rather just give her what she wants and fix things for the time being, but he doesnt seem to think about the long term effects.
I hate to say it but if something doesnt change soon, I can see this causing some serious problems in our relationship. Its sad because other that this particular issue we really dont argue about much and we have a pretty good relationship.
Like I said, she has known this whole time that the checks would stop coming and that she would need to get a job, and she has sat by and done nothing. Literally, everytime that we go visit her she is sitting on her couch watching Netflix or playing computer games. Not once have I seen her put in a job application. Her son is an adult now and he should be working also, but he makes up excuses why he can't work also. For the past several months, she hasn't had any car insurance because she hasn't been able to afford the payments. This is her excuse when someone tells her that she needs to get a job. She says "I cant get a job because I dont have car insurance! I cant drive my car so how can I get to work??"
Its her fault that she has no car insurance. She shouldn't have waited until she couldn't afford it anyone. She should have been looking for a job long ago. Its a laughable excuse anyway. If you really want a job, You will drive your car to work whether it has insurance or not. She has no other option. She is no longer able to pay her mortgage and is about to lose her house. What logical person would sit around doing absolutely nothing, and lose their house just because they dont have car insurance? It makes no sense.
She lives 400 miles away from us so thankfully I dont have to deal with her that often but its to the point where I dont even like visiting her anymore. Last time we were there, she asked my husband to buy her some cigarettes and alcohol. For reasons unknown to me, he actually bought them for her. I knew that he had bought her the cigarettes, but I didnt know about the alcohol until later. The same day he bought her the alcohol, she ended up having a breakdown right in front of my husband and I. She was crying about how shes so depressed and has all these financial issues. Shes just looking for someone to tell her that they will bail her out and take care of all her problems for her, but instead my husband response is that she needs to get a job. She used the same excuse as always. "I dont have car insurance, I cant get a job! I dont know how Ill get there!". After we left her house I actually ended up breaking down into tears myself because it is just so frustrating trying to talk to her. All she does is whine about her problems and portray herself to be a victim, and make up excuses. In reality, shes perfectly capable of helping herself.
I found out later that she had been drinking right before she had this little outburst. I asked my husband "Where did she get alcohol from?? She doesnt have any money to buy it herself. Who is buying her alcohol??" He reluctantly admitted that she asked him for it and that he bought it. I became very upset and asked him why on earth he would buy his alcoholic mother alcohol?? He knows its a problem for her and that hes only enabling her and making her problems worse by doing so, yet he continues to do it anyway. He said that sometimes doing what she wants is less stressful than having her get mad because she didnt get her way. The way I look at it is like this. So what if you have to deal with a few minutes of her pouting and whining because you didnt buy her alcohol like she asked? Isnt it worth it knowing that at least you aren't supporting and contributing to your mother's drinking problem and her destructive behavior? I would think that it would be.
A few months ago, he told me that she asked him to pay her credit card bill, and he did. He didn't tell me about it when it happened, this was yet another thing that I had to find out for myself later on. I asked what other bills he had paid for her and he said that he paid her internet bill. He said he only did it because her internet bill and phone bill are together and so if her internet got cut off, her phone would too... and he didnt want that to happen. Basically the only way she has been getting by these past few months has been mooching off of family members and having other people pay her bills. I told my husband a while back that he could "help" his mother as long as it wasn't putting too much of a strain on us financially and as long as he was actually HELPING her and not enabling her. He agreed to it... but I feel like he hasn't followed through with what he agreed to. Hes been helping her but in all the wrong ways. When I said help her, I meant like maybe take her to the doctor and get her on some antidepressants, or try to get her to go to an AA meeting.
Everyone paying her bills and giving her money isn't solving anything. This has been going on for years. Its just making her worse. She feels like she doesnt HAVE to get a job because she knows all she has to do is call a family member and they'll pay her bills or buy her whatever she wants. It all started a few years ago when my husband gave her $1000 because she was 2 months behind on her mortgage payment. Here we are in the same situation, shes on the verge of losing her house again.
My husband says sometimes she talks crazy and even like she could be suicidal. So his logic is that if he doesnt give in to everything that she asks him to do, it might make her even more depressed and maybe she will even kill herself. I just fail to see how enabling her and contributing to all of this is the better option.
He complains that it feels like I dont trust him to make the right decisions but the reason is because I dont feel like he HAS made any of the right decisions. Paying her bills or buying her alcohol might be a temporary fix... it may make her feel better or solve the problem in that very moment... but what about the next day or the next week? The cycle just continues.... I've been having to put up with this for 3 years and Im getting pretty sick of dealing with it. My husband and I have only been married for a few years and we are trying to start our own life, start a family, buy a house, etc... I just want for her to get her life straight so we can focus on our own lives.
He says that theres no way he can force her to go to the doctors office to get on medication or to go to an AA meeting. He says she will just deny that she has a problem and she will become embarrassed. Maybe thats true but Ive never even seen him TRY to get her to go get help. I think the alcohol is her main issue. I dont think she will be able to get the depression taken care of until she can stop drinking. So I think we need to focus on the alcohol issue first.... but how do we get her to stop? Other than putting our foot down and not buying the alcohol for her, what else can we do? Hes telling me that its to the point where he thinks shes suicidal.... Is there any way she could be forced into getting help if its to the point where her life is in danger? My husband admits that hes made some bad decisions and he seems to agree with me on most of this stuff but its like he just doesnt have the courage to do anything about it. He would rather just give her what she wants and fix things for the time being, but he doesnt seem to think about the long term effects.
I hate to say it but if something doesnt change soon, I can see this causing some serious problems in our relationship. Its sad because other that this particular issue we really dont argue about much and we have a pretty good relationship.
EndGame
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 4,677
Such a desperate situation. I think many people would find it difficult to cut off a parent who is suffering, yet not taking steps to get help for her is also unacceptable.
With that, there are skilled interventionists who implement successful strategies that include the identified patient in the process. Interventions have gotten a black eye that's not merited, based on A&E Network's Intervention. The treatment is for both the IP and their family members. The IP is invited to actively participate in the treatment, but this is not a requirement. This is much healthier and much less expensive for everyone concerned in the long run.
I don't see any simpler way through this. The family isn't just going to allow her to get thrown out on the street, and it doesn't sound as though anyone wants or is able to take her in. Since she's using her suffering to hold her family hostage, nothing short of radical treatment is likely to help. At her age, and in her circumstances and condition, she actually is at high risk for suicide.
I recommend finding a trained professional or professionals, ask for a consultation, and choose the one with whom you're most comfortable. I'd also approach her (whether it's your husband or another family member) and let her know that you're beginning this process. If nothing else, you'll likely get her attention.
With that, there are skilled interventionists who implement successful strategies that include the identified patient in the process. Interventions have gotten a black eye that's not merited, based on A&E Network's Intervention. The treatment is for both the IP and their family members. The IP is invited to actively participate in the treatment, but this is not a requirement. This is much healthier and much less expensive for everyone concerned in the long run.
I don't see any simpler way through this. The family isn't just going to allow her to get thrown out on the street, and it doesn't sound as though anyone wants or is able to take her in. Since she's using her suffering to hold her family hostage, nothing short of radical treatment is likely to help. At her age, and in her circumstances and condition, she actually is at high risk for suicide.
I recommend finding a trained professional or professionals, ask for a consultation, and choose the one with whom you're most comfortable. I'd also approach her (whether it's your husband or another family member) and let her know that you're beginning this process. If nothing else, you'll likely get her attention.
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Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 2
Well I went online to find treatment centers in the area and there are several of them but the problem would be actually getting her to go there. Is there anyway to get the interventionist to come to HER? Or is that something that you just see on tv?
I think my husband is right. Chances are she probably wouldnt want to go and she would deny that anything was wrong. Sometimes when she drinks, she gets emotional and talks abot all of her problems but then when shes sober she acts like everything is fine. You just never know what her mood is going to be like. Hes talked about getting her help before but then he finds excuse not to. He says he doesnt think she will go, and he doesnt want to upset her or embarrass her, etc...
But someone has got to step up and do something. Obviously what he and everyone else has been doing for her isnt working so someone needs to take a new approach. I just want to stop giving her temporary fixes and get to the root of the problem so we can be done with this. Im not used to having to deal with all the stress that his mother brings. My husband says he is used to being stressed but I can tell that it still bothers him. Over these past few years he has started to drink some too. Not anything to the point of having an addiction but when he first met him, he never drank. Now he usually drinks daily.
I told him that I know shes his mom and that its hard for him to just completely turn his back on her despite the fact that shes gotten herself into all this mess.... but all I ask of him is that if hes going to spend our money to help her, that he does it in a way thats not enabling her, and that he doesn't spend so much money that it hurts us financially or that it stops us from being able to meet our own goals. Like I said we have only been married a few years and we are trying to get our debts paid off and buy a house of our own... and I just dont want anyone to hinder that. We have to put ourselves first. There is only so much you can do for someone if they dont want to help themselves.
He is a Christian, goes to church, and hes a very generous person. He doesnt tithe though and I guess he feels guilty about it because he acts like when he helps out his family, it makes up for not tithing, and makes him feel better. I dont care if he helps out his family, but if hes going to do it, I want him to do it in a way that will actually HELP.... everytime he buys her beer or pays one of her bills, thats basically just throwing our hard earned money down the drain. It doesnt do anything for her in the long run except give her an excuse to keep doing what shes doing.
If we could get an interventionist to actually come to her, I think it could work... but as far as getting her to agree to get in the car and go to a treatment center, I dont think she would agree to it.
My husband's brother told him that she got drunk just the other day and that she went into the kitchen and started throwing dishes on the floor. Shes acting crazy... and Ill be honest, I think shes on the verge or being suicidal also. Really the best place for her to be is probably a mental hospital.... but my husband says they would put her on suicide watch and have her locked up in a padded room. But whats the alternative? She will either be locked up in a padded room and probably be put on some antidepressants, or just let her kill herself? It would be an obvious choice to me. I just cant get him to do anything. He knows what needs to be done but hes not strong enough to do it.
I think my husband is right. Chances are she probably wouldnt want to go and she would deny that anything was wrong. Sometimes when she drinks, she gets emotional and talks abot all of her problems but then when shes sober she acts like everything is fine. You just never know what her mood is going to be like. Hes talked about getting her help before but then he finds excuse not to. He says he doesnt think she will go, and he doesnt want to upset her or embarrass her, etc...
But someone has got to step up and do something. Obviously what he and everyone else has been doing for her isnt working so someone needs to take a new approach. I just want to stop giving her temporary fixes and get to the root of the problem so we can be done with this. Im not used to having to deal with all the stress that his mother brings. My husband says he is used to being stressed but I can tell that it still bothers him. Over these past few years he has started to drink some too. Not anything to the point of having an addiction but when he first met him, he never drank. Now he usually drinks daily.
I told him that I know shes his mom and that its hard for him to just completely turn his back on her despite the fact that shes gotten herself into all this mess.... but all I ask of him is that if hes going to spend our money to help her, that he does it in a way thats not enabling her, and that he doesn't spend so much money that it hurts us financially or that it stops us from being able to meet our own goals. Like I said we have only been married a few years and we are trying to get our debts paid off and buy a house of our own... and I just dont want anyone to hinder that. We have to put ourselves first. There is only so much you can do for someone if they dont want to help themselves.
He is a Christian, goes to church, and hes a very generous person. He doesnt tithe though and I guess he feels guilty about it because he acts like when he helps out his family, it makes up for not tithing, and makes him feel better. I dont care if he helps out his family, but if hes going to do it, I want him to do it in a way that will actually HELP.... everytime he buys her beer or pays one of her bills, thats basically just throwing our hard earned money down the drain. It doesnt do anything for her in the long run except give her an excuse to keep doing what shes doing.
If we could get an interventionist to actually come to her, I think it could work... but as far as getting her to agree to get in the car and go to a treatment center, I dont think she would agree to it.
My husband's brother told him that she got drunk just the other day and that she went into the kitchen and started throwing dishes on the floor. Shes acting crazy... and Ill be honest, I think shes on the verge or being suicidal also. Really the best place for her to be is probably a mental hospital.... but my husband says they would put her on suicide watch and have her locked up in a padded room. But whats the alternative? She will either be locked up in a padded room and probably be put on some antidepressants, or just let her kill herself? It would be an obvious choice to me. I just cant get him to do anything. He knows what needs to be done but hes not strong enough to do it.
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Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: KC MO
Posts: 980
How is a 53 year old woman with no experience going to find a job that pays insurance,a mortgage,and pay simple bills? I am 53 myself,and have experience in a number of areas. I am changing careers,and not making squat. Fortunately my house is payed for. I am just treading water with no bills except utilities. Trying not to spend what I made when times were good (I made all of my money when I was drinking by the way)
I am not sticking up for her,I am just trying to be realistic. I don't think she could make enough money whether drinking or not to survive to be honest.
I have a feeling if she wasn't drinking she still would have no job. Yes ,a job would show she is making an effort. But when you work your ass off and loose ground week after week you get a "whats the use"feeling. I'm sure she probably feels that way.
Iduno,maybe I am sticking up for her in a way. It's a messed up situation no matter how you look at it. It is a family situation,and I feel it needs a family solution.
Fred
I am not sticking up for her,I am just trying to be realistic. I don't think she could make enough money whether drinking or not to survive to be honest.
I have a feeling if she wasn't drinking she still would have no job. Yes ,a job would show she is making an effort. But when you work your ass off and loose ground week after week you get a "whats the use"feeling. I'm sure she probably feels that way.
Iduno,maybe I am sticking up for her in a way. It's a messed up situation no matter how you look at it. It is a family situation,and I feel it needs a family solution.
Fred
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 13,497
Has anyone thought to pay her car insurance for a time, in order for son, and her, to find work? if they both worked, perhaps they could swing it.
obviously she needs help. counseling might be something she would welcome, as her life is not going well as it is. there are local mental health departments where she could get some counselling. You never know, she may just not know how to ask for the right kind of help.. choosing to numb her fears instead. sounds like she is frozen in fear, doubt, and the alcohol gives her escape. If she is an alcoholic, she has a tough road and needs help other than financial.
prayers for a good end to this for all.
obviously she needs help. counseling might be something she would welcome, as her life is not going well as it is. there are local mental health departments where she could get some counselling. You never know, she may just not know how to ask for the right kind of help.. choosing to numb her fears instead. sounds like she is frozen in fear, doubt, and the alcohol gives her escape. If she is an alcoholic, she has a tough road and needs help other than financial.
prayers for a good end to this for all.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 1,778
Hi Watermellon,
I am so sorry you and your husband are going through this. He can sit down and have a heart to heart talk with her about her drinking, but unless she wants to quit there's nothing anyone else can do. I'm sure it's heartbreaking for him to see her this way and no one would want their parent out on the street because they can't pay bills. I totally understand where you're coming from too--enabling her is not going to help a thing and you both need to focus on your own lives and what you want out of them.
The friends and family of alcoholics board has a lot of good info on how to deal with loved ones struggling with alcoholism.
Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
Good article here, too: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html
Wishing you much strength and healing.
I am so sorry you and your husband are going through this. He can sit down and have a heart to heart talk with her about her drinking, but unless she wants to quit there's nothing anyone else can do. I'm sure it's heartbreaking for him to see her this way and no one would want their parent out on the street because they can't pay bills. I totally understand where you're coming from too--enabling her is not going to help a thing and you both need to focus on your own lives and what you want out of them.
The friends and family of alcoholics board has a lot of good info on how to deal with loved ones struggling with alcoholism.
Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
Good article here, too: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html
Wishing you much strength and healing.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 110
I kind of agree with Nevertheless. I know people much younger with college degrees and work experience that have taken up to two years of searching to find jobs in the current economy. she will probably have to settle for part time minimum wage work which won't pay the bills. But I agree that is better than nothing and having a purpose to get out of bed is good for anyone. Maybe there is something like that walking distance? Maybe she doesn't even need a car? that is an uneccessary expenses that many Americans take for granted. I live in the most car centric part of the country and I ride my bike to work and shopping by choice so it can be done. she needs to eliminate as many expenses as possible. she also needs to apply for whatever wellfare and and she's eligiable for. I'm generally against that but she is the type of person it's for. she gave up her life to be a mother and wife and misses out on years of professional experience she needs. I would start by helping with those things while addressing the drinking and mental issues as well
EndGame
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 4,677
Originally Posted by Watermellon 
Hes talked about getting her help before but then he finds excuse not to. He says he doesnt think she will go, and he doesnt want to upset her or embarrass her, etc...
Consult with one or more people who are trained and experienced interventionists. Lay it all on the line, and let him or her plan treatment strategies with you. Your MIL knowing that the wheels are in motion can refuse to make a trip to see the therapist, but the help the rest of you will get from the therapist will enable you to better deal with her and help to persuade her to seek treatment. It isn't an absolute truth that only people who really want help will go for treatment, and she just might seize the moment if and when she understands that she stands to eventually lose the financial help she's been getting, in sum or in part, without her getting help.
It's probably not a good idea to abruptly cut off her access to alcohol, given her drinking history and current condition, but that's for an MD to decide. But with the proper help, the tables will be turned, and the gravy train will have a definitive end date.
I won't go any further in describing what another professional does or plans to do. When things work well, the strategy is tailored to the problem...to the people involved in the treatment, and that is not my call.
Make an appointment and you'll get the answers you seek. There may even be a hotline number you can call for information and references.
EndGame
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 4,677
Hi Watermellon.
Try to find someone who practices CRAFT, a treatment modality that involves whichever family members are willing to participate in the process.
HBO: Addiction: Treatment: Getting Someone into Treatment: CRAFT: An Alternative to Intervention
Try to find someone who practices CRAFT, a treatment modality that involves whichever family members are willing to participate in the process.
HBO: Addiction: Treatment: Getting Someone into Treatment: CRAFT: An Alternative to Intervention
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