ViciousCycle714

I'm sick of this cycle, sick of going around and around on this carousel.....drink, drunk, recover, feel like a million bucks........drink drunk recover...

But what I am really sick of is being boring......a corporate office dweller holding on and hanging on....**** this......I feel boring, I look boring, I am boring.....I see pictures of myself and wish I could disappear....I see movies and tv shows with guys acting bold and getting ahead and looking great and wonder what the hell went wrong.

I'd rather be dead than exist in this gutless, corporate, beta, hopeless state.....

I'm done with all this going along and getting along.........there has to be something more....it SUCKS......ITS boring and lame and I F'ing hate it...I hate the weak individual I have become....the person I was in high school would puke if he saw what he became....what a sad pathetic joke

This is why I drink.

doggonecarl

Or, it might be why you're boring. Drinking sure doesn't promote "guys acting bold and getting ahead and looking great."

Getting sober was far from boring to me. I've haven't had the chance to do so much in many, many years.

Pedro1234

This is such a sad post that i can honestly relate to on all levels. We drink to feel better about ourselves but in fact are depressing our feelings and life by drinking. It is such a vicious cycle. Please find the strength to break free because as you posted above "recover, feel like a million bucks.

Hevyn

Hi Vicious. I'm so sorry you're feeling this way.

I agree with Pedro, and I can relate too. That's why I had to let go of it and find myself again. I was nothing but a numb and foggy bore. I got free - and you can too. We are with you.

Dee74

I found that I need to fix my drinking in order for me to fix my life, VC.
Deal with the drinking and you'll be surprised at how much else will fall into place...

have you got a plan to stay sober?
D

KateL

I hope you find some answers. I was just the same once. One of my motives for recovery was to regain some self esteem. I don't care what they say about ego and stuff. You need to like and be proud of yourself and you can x

youngcatlady

I share a lot of the same self loathing. No friends, no purpose, hating everyone, hating myself. It all feels so out of control and so meaningless at the same time. The only thing I can control is getting up in the morning and making a conscious decision not to drink. And right now that's enough.

9 days is a long time. Make it 10 and celebrate the victory. You earned it and good things will follow.

Love38

I haven't posted in a long while, but you really spoke to me.

I just want you to know I 100% feel what you are feeling; you're not alone. And...this may not be what anyone wants to hear, but sobriety won't magically cure this level of depression...for some.

I'm sober, I'm in the career I thought was my calling; one I worked toward the last 20 years...the one that was going to fulfill me.

Guess what...I still feel the way you are describing.

BUT, feeling that way sober makes it much easier to handle; at least I'm not layering on more problems.

I'm here if you want to talk...

Mountainmanbob

the simple truth is that in 99.99 cases

drinking is not going to make this better

if a drunk ?? drinking only adds to our sorrow

hope that you will seek help
not only here but also wherever it may be found for you

Mountainman

George3334

I hear ya, man. Drinking was escalating for me in recent years due to very similar reasons. This past summer, when I turned the corner on age 46, I thought, "There has to be a better way. Something just ain't working."
Took a long hard look in the mirror and asked: "what can I do about it?" What can I do NOW?!? Committing to sobriety made sense to me as something that I could do as a step toward finding a better place. I hate the "boring" feeling, but I do believe sobriety is helping.

ViciousCycle714

Its strangely helpful to see others feel the way or have felt the way I do.

It is a cyclical thing but it is going absolutely nowhere....something has got to change because I am super over this lifestyle.

ClearMind

Hang in there, man!

afloatsober

Felt the same way VC
30 years as a fraud in an office, hating every minute and too afraid and trapped by my alcoholism to do anything about it.
Eventually the facade crumbled and there i was, a very sick man for all to see.
Thank God the career went but so did the booze. And the fear. I am just now feeling well enough to be true to myself, find my proper place in this world and have some peace.
Only happened when i finally quit tho.
Be safe.
G

afloatsober

Felt the same way VC
30 years as a fraud in an office, hating every minute and too afraid and trapped by my alcoholism to do anything about it.
Eventually the facade crumbled and there i was, a very sick man for all to see.
Thank God the career went but so did the booze. And the fear. I am just now feeling well enough to be true to myself, find my proper place in this world and have some peace.
Only happened when i finally quit tho.
Be safe.
G

22NGONE

Nothing changes if we don't change. This too shall pass.

h24k

...the good news is that you have a job; aren't you at least grateful for that? I understand that you feel like your life is mundane, but a lot of people wish they even got a pay check. Try to be thankful for the simple things in your life. I know it is easier said than done, but it's what I am trying to do and I have been finding it helpful.

TrickyDave

VC - I know exactly how you feel. Wondering where to go, what to do. At 58, not many choices. Sometimes feel like chucking it all in.

breath

I was there. Cororate GIG, all was well, then that stopped, the job wasn't meeting my expectations so that resentment turned into drinking. First, drinking with fun, then drinking with fun and problems, finally it was just problems, I "crashed and burned" used the corporate EAP to get sober; returned and found I was right about the corporate fraud; even saw the bosses get fired....stuck around to get strong in my sobriety and to be sure I was making a sober decision. AND I QUIT, after a 25 year career-they gave me a toaster oven! THats 2+ years ago and things aren't easy, but I haven't looked back and don't regret a thing. Get Off THe Booze, Get Your Life Back and Take Control, not the alcohol! Best Wishes.

DayTrader

I recall a lady, my Probation officer...of all ppl, suggesting to me that there's a world of difference between "not drinking" and "recovery."

If I don't drink but don't recover.....eventually, drinking starts to make sense again and, as an alcoholic, I WILL drink again. If I've recovered from alcoholism, that sort of "thinking" is gone....it doesn't enter the mind.

youngcatlady

That's a really powerful way to think about it daytrader, thanks for posting.