Uninvited & not sure how to feel
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: canada
Posts: 7,242
ptcapote,
reading this....puts it all out there. choosing drinking over relationship. drink is tops.
of course it hurts!!
and it hurts doubly because i know i did the same. just not that overtly. very hidden, but still, the action was the same. making up some "reason" why i wouldn't go to the softball game. or why i needed to leave the birthday party early.
maybe...was there a little bit of hope left that your mom would be different?
it would be a challenge for me to NOT take it personally yet i'd know that ultimately it ISN'T. it's not about you. it's about them and their alcoholism
reading this....puts it all out there. choosing drinking over relationship. drink is tops.
of course it hurts!!
and it hurts doubly because i know i did the same. just not that overtly. very hidden, but still, the action was the same. making up some "reason" why i wouldn't go to the softball game. or why i needed to leave the birthday party early.
maybe...was there a little bit of hope left that your mom would be different?
it would be a challenge for me to NOT take it personally yet i'd know that ultimately it ISN'T. it's not about you. it's about them and their alcoholism
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: NJ
Posts: 20,458
here is something to ponder.....
Agree with Mommy Dearest! (it will floor her and frustrate her to no end)
tell her yes, she makes you uncomfortable too, but maybe next year you will both feel differently...tell her that you put your relationship as a priority and you do care as she is your parent, but for now you agree, distance is best. wish her and the partner a happy holiday and contact her in 3-4 months.
say it in a nice card....I guarantee you that she will sputter. =^..^= meow.
Agree with Mommy Dearest! (it will floor her and frustrate her to no end)
tell her yes, she makes you uncomfortable too, but maybe next year you will both feel differently...tell her that you put your relationship as a priority and you do care as she is your parent, but for now you agree, distance is best. wish her and the partner a happy holiday and contact her in 3-4 months.
say it in a nice card....I guarantee you that she will sputter. =^..^= meow.
Its a cold and its a broken hallelujah.
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 2,887
Originally Posted by Fandy 
here is something to ponder.....
Agree with Mommy Dearest! (it will floor her and frustrate her to no end)
tell her yes, she makes you uncomfortable too, but maybe next year you will both feel differently...tell her that you put your relationship as a priority and you do care as she is your parent, but for now you agree, distance is best. wish her and the partner a happy holiday and contact her in 3-4 months.
say it in a nice card....I guarantee you that she will sputter. =^..^= meow.
Agree with Mommy Dearest! (it will floor her and frustrate her to no end)
tell her yes, she makes you uncomfortable too, but maybe next year you will both feel differently...tell her that you put your relationship as a priority and you do care as she is your parent, but for now you agree, distance is best. wish her and the partner a happy holiday and contact her in 3-4 months.
say it in a nice card....I guarantee you that she will sputter. =^..^= meow.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: Poconos PA
Posts: 1,544
Originally Posted by Fandy
here is something to ponder.....
Agree with Mommy Dearest! (it will floor her and frustrate her to no end)
tell her yes, she makes you uncomfortable too, but maybe next year you will both feel differently...tell her that you put your relationship as a priority and you do care as she is your parent, but for now you agree, distance is best. wish her and the partner a happy holiday and contact her in 3-4 months.
say it in a nice card....I guarantee you that she will sputter. =^..^= meow.
Agree with Mommy Dearest! (it will floor her and frustrate her to no end)
tell her yes, she makes you uncomfortable too, but maybe next year you will both feel differently...tell her that you put your relationship as a priority and you do care as she is your parent, but for now you agree, distance is best. wish her and the partner a happy holiday and contact her in 3-4 months.
say it in a nice card....I guarantee you that she will sputter. =^..^= meow.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Central Massachusetts
Posts: 2,051
Originally Posted by Fandy
here is something to ponder.....
Agree with Mommy Dearest! (it will floor her and frustrate her to no end)
tell her yes, she makes you uncomfortable too, but maybe next year you will both feel differently...tell her that you put your relationship as a priority and you do care as she is your parent, but for now you agree, distance is best. wish her and the partner a happy holiday and contact her in 3-4 months.
say it in a nice card....I guarantee you that she will sputter. =^..^= meow.
Agree with Mommy Dearest! (it will floor her and frustrate her to no end)
tell her yes, she makes you uncomfortable too, but maybe next year you will both feel differently...tell her that you put your relationship as a priority and you do care as she is your parent, but for now you agree, distance is best. wish her and the partner a happy holiday and contact her in 3-4 months.
say it in a nice card....I guarantee you that she will sputter. =^..^= meow.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 1,949
Wow ..even if she couldn't drink around you which I don't even think is the case, she couldn't do that for 1 day of the year and get hammered every other day? I hardly think she is doing it to protect your sobriety because then she would invite you and not drink. It doesn't make sense
Living and Loving Life at Last
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: gods own country
Posts: 12,168
Ptcapote, I can understand how hurt you feel at your mothers words. When all is said and done, we should be able to believe our own mother is there for us when we need her. That said, if her alcoholism is such that she can't put the glass down for a day or two to help her own child, she doesn't deserve to have you visit for the holidays. How about spending the time helping out at a homeless shelter or something? It will put things into some kind of perspective for you.
And find a way to forgive her, you know how insidious alcohol is and how it can take control of our lives.
I'm sure there will be a few Christmas and new year parties going on here on SR threads! X
And find a way to forgive her, you know how insidious alcohol is and how it can take control of our lives.
I'm sure there will be a few Christmas and new year parties going on here on SR threads! X
Kaleidoscope eyes
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: London
Posts: 5,243
Originally Posted by Ptcapote
So I have been stressing and worrying and getting neurotic about going down to FL for the holidays to see my mother and her partner.
Both are big drinkers (although both are what I would have once called 'functional') and, now retired, their social life revolves around going to the little beach bar on the corner and drinking from 4PM to whenever.
My mother has been ambivalent (this is being very diplomatic on my part) about my sobriety. She's an Italian Catholic so guilt-tripping is the currency she trades in but she has run the gamut from being supportive to being threatened and belittling about me getting sober.
A lot of the guilt has been me not coming to visit over the past nine months.
So imagine my surprise when she called the other night and basically told me that I was not invited to Christmas at her house because my sobriety was going to make her and her partner uncomfortable. That they weren't about to change their lifestyles for me and, even if I didn't ask, they'd still feel obligated to entertain me rather than engage in their normal activities. Which, of course, I used to take part in wholeheartedly.
Now I don't know how to feel.
On one hand, I am relieved. On the other, I am pretty hurt and angry.
Anyone else ever had this gem come up on the holidays?
Thanks in advance for any words of wisdom...
Both are big drinkers (although both are what I would have once called 'functional') and, now retired, their social life revolves around going to the little beach bar on the corner and drinking from 4PM to whenever.
My mother has been ambivalent (this is being very diplomatic on my part) about my sobriety. She's an Italian Catholic so guilt-tripping is the currency she trades in but she has run the gamut from being supportive to being threatened and belittling about me getting sober.
A lot of the guilt has been me not coming to visit over the past nine months.
So imagine my surprise when she called the other night and basically told me that I was not invited to Christmas at her house because my sobriety was going to make her and her partner uncomfortable. That they weren't about to change their lifestyles for me and, even if I didn't ask, they'd still feel obligated to entertain me rather than engage in their normal activities. Which, of course, I used to take part in wholeheartedly.
Now I don't know how to feel.
On one hand, I am relieved. On the other, I am pretty hurt and angry.
Anyone else ever had this gem come up on the holidays?
Thanks in advance for any words of wisdom...
Member
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: Southern California
Posts: 318
pctapote- thank you for sharing! That sounds awful... I would be devastated if my family uninvited me because of my sobriety and I can't imagine what you're feeling! Although, after hearing that from my mom I wouldn't have a problem not attending, geesh.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: Southern California
Posts: 318
also, does she not think you're old enough to entertain yourself? When I visit my family if I'm not partaking in whatever they're doing I do not expect them to go out of their way to find something for me to enjoy.
A Day at a Time
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Grand Rapids MI
Posts: 6,435
Alcohol is a very jealous lover and you are huge threat to your Moms alcoholism. The last person an alcoholic wants to socialize with is someone in recovery. it is sad that she is putting alcohol ahead of you but as we all know if it comes down to a choice of family or alcohol we will choose alcohol every time.
I would feel relieved and start making a new Christmas memories and traditions without her. maybe someday she will see her loss but until then there's nothing you can do for her. What you can do is have a joyous and happy holiday season on your own.
I would feel relieved and start making a new Christmas memories and traditions without her. maybe someday she will see her loss but until then there's nothing you can do for her. What you can do is have a joyous and happy holiday season on your own.
Nothing is impossible!
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: EAGAN
Posts: 792
Originally Posted by Ptcapote
So I have been stressing and worrying and getting neurotic about going down to FL for the holidays to see my mother and her partner.
Both are big drinkers (although both are what I would have once called 'functional') and, now retired, their social life revolves around going to the little beach bar on the corner and drinking from 4PM to whenever.
My mother has been ambivalent (this is being very diplomatic on my part) about my sobriety. She's an Italian Catholic so guilt-tripping is the currency she trades in but she has run the gamut from being supportive to being threatened and belittling about me getting sober.
A lot of the guilt has been me not coming to visit over the past nine months.
So imagine my surprise when she called the other night and basically told me that I was not invited to Christmas at her house because my sobriety was going to make her and her partner uncomfortable. That they weren't about to change their lifestyles for me and, even if I didn't ask, they'd still feel obligated to entertain me rather than engage in their normal activities. Which, of course, I used to take part in wholeheartedly.
Now I don't know how to feel.
On one hand, I am relieved. On the other, I am pretty hurt and angry.
Anyone else ever had this gem come up on the holidays?
Thanks in advance for any words of wisdom...
Both are big drinkers (although both are what I would have once called 'functional') and, now retired, their social life revolves around going to the little beach bar on the corner and drinking from 4PM to whenever.
My mother has been ambivalent (this is being very diplomatic on my part) about my sobriety. She's an Italian Catholic so guilt-tripping is the currency she trades in but she has run the gamut from being supportive to being threatened and belittling about me getting sober.
A lot of the guilt has been me not coming to visit over the past nine months.
So imagine my surprise when she called the other night and basically told me that I was not invited to Christmas at her house because my sobriety was going to make her and her partner uncomfortable. That they weren't about to change their lifestyles for me and, even if I didn't ask, they'd still feel obligated to entertain me rather than engage in their normal activities. Which, of course, I used to take part in wholeheartedly.
Now I don't know how to feel.
On one hand, I am relieved. On the other, I am pretty hurt and angry.
Anyone else ever had this gem come up on the holidays?
Thanks in advance for any words of wisdom...
Isnt it amazing how just being sober and around people who drink makes them so uncomfortable they would rather cut you out of the equation entirely? Its a tough pill to swallow, but one we all face in recovery. I cant tell you how many parties or social events I am no longer invited to since quitting drinking. They always invited me, even when I was the guy who threw glasses or pulled fire alarms, but not when I am reserved and clear headed. At first it was so hurtful and made me so angry, but then I realized I do not need people in my life like that. Being sober makes people who want to drink feel uncomfortable and like they cant really cut loose without us secretly judging them. It has more to do with their own insecurity than it does you or me. Its actually a tad pathetic if you ask me, but whatever right? Its unfortunate your own mother is choosing the bottle over you, but the best you can do is remember that you have to be your own rock now and not let the actions of others infiltrate your recovery or serenity. This is the new you, and that being said, maybe its time for some new holiday traditions that are positive for YOU.
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