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Uninvited & not sure how to feel

Old 11-22-2013, 08:23 PM
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Uninvited & not sure how to feel

So I have been stressing and worrying and getting neurotic about going down to FL for the holidays to see my mother and her partner.

Both are big drinkers (although both are what I would have once called 'functional') and, now retired, their social life revolves around going to the little beach bar on the corner and drinking from 4PM to whenever.

My mother has been ambivalent (this is being very diplomatic on my part) about my sobriety. She's an Italian Catholic so guilt-tripping is the currency she trades in but she has run the gamut from being supportive to being threatened and belittling about me getting sober.

A lot of the guilt has been me not coming to visit over the past nine months.

So imagine my surprise when she called the other night and basically told me that I was not invited to Christmas at her house because my sobriety was going to make her and her partner uncomfortable. That they weren't about to change their lifestyles for me and, even if I didn't ask, they'd still feel obligated to entertain me rather than engage in their normal activities. Which, of course, I used to take part in wholeheartedly.

Now I don't know how to feel.

On one hand, I am relieved. On the other, I am pretty hurt and angry.

Anyone else ever had this gem come up on the holidays?

Thanks in advance for any words of wisdom...
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Old 11-22-2013, 08:29 PM
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I used to wish for that to happen lol...but no.

If drinking is that important to them, they're doing you a favour, I think
Why not make your own Xmas traditions this year pt?

D
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Old 11-22-2013, 08:33 PM
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I can see how it would hurt, but it really would be a relief were I in that situation.
Being around a drinking parent during the holidays is such a trigger for most of us ACOAs.

I can also see why they are threatened by your choice to stop.
Let it go if you can and plan a fantastic sober holiday for yourself. Make some new traditions as Dee suggests.

You are a different person sober so why not create a new way to celebrate?
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Old 11-22-2013, 08:36 PM
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Sounds to me like an offer you can't refuse.

Hell, when I was drinking, I didn't want to be around people who weren't drinking, especially around the holidays.

Your mom and her partner are living out the alcoholic's retirement dream. Sharing this with someone who is sober is not on their itinerary.

If it were me, I'd be grateful that I dodged a bullet.
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Old 11-22-2013, 08:50 PM
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She is sick. I'm sure it hurts , but you're totally right on why. So Christmas where you are with friends and sown movies.
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Old 11-22-2013, 09:52 PM
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I know when I was drinking, I did not attend functions where alcohol was NOT present. And-When my immediate family brought up my alcoholism in the teensiest of ways, I became immediately defensive! I had no intention of going anywhere where I couldn't bring my wine! They in turn, especially my husband went to the sober parties & other fun events without me. Seems to me your mom is telling you point blank. I agree with the others, count it as blessing. Bobbi
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Old 11-22-2013, 10:33 PM
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Whoa...yeah that would hurt alright! I can totally relate. Maybe it's that parents seem to be able to tap into our child ego state and we cannot help but feel the teeniest bit abandoned and rejected.

Reckon it's normal for you to feel that. I know I would too.

But to keep this in perspective...she and her partner have obviously got their own issues with alcohol. Whether they admit to being alcoholic or not, to have someone sober around them causing them that much angst? Well. It sort of speaks for itself. My Mum (who I don't think is an alcoholic, but has issues with addiction to pain meds and is my Dad's and brother's codependent enabler), is already fretting about Christmas. She is worrying about having me sober and making everyone else feel uncomfortable..weird isn't it?

I would, if you can, turn this whole thing into a positive. Spin it on its head.

Be thankful that you have broken this cycle. Pity them for not bring able to share in the gifts that sobriety is bringing you.

Go set up your own new sober routine...you are free to do whatever you like and that is such a good feeling. Remember Christmases or big family events of the past when alcohol drove and ruled the whole thing? Well they are gone.

A sober Christmas? Sounds great. Make new traditions and you will have the best time xxx
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Old 11-23-2013, 12:27 AM
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I would try and look at it as a blessing.

I know when I was drinking I did not want to be around people that were not drinking. It made me uncomfortable. My ex recently called and he was going to stop over but he blew me off. I was hurt at first but I understand. He does not want to spend the afternoon with someone sober.

It hurts when people that we love reject us because we have changed ourselves and our life style. I feel in the end it just a way of letting go that maybe we were not ready to face, yet here it is staring at us. I needed to accept it and move on. I am not angry, it is just life on life's terms.

It is God doing for me what I could not do for myself. I could not break that connection, so he did it for me. I feel a sense of peace and relief about it now.
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Old 11-23-2013, 05:34 AM
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Sounds like Mom certainly has her priorities out of place. I am sorry she feels this way Ptcapote, but it may have been a very bad situation. With you being sober now who knows how you are going to perceive her behavior.

Our perceptions change to in recovery. Sounds like it would be a miserable trip to me. I think she did you a favor.
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Old 11-23-2013, 05:42 AM
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I'm so sorry your mom did this. It must hurt a lot. Ultimately though it's better for you. Spend Christmas with friends and enjoy your day.

Much love to you. xoxoxo
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Old 11-23-2013, 05:48 AM
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I'm sorry your mom did this. I don't understand it really. Even in my heaviest drinking of days, I would never not invite someone to something just because THEY don't drink.

Question, you weren't by chance trying to "proselytize" to her were you? Trying to convince her that she needed to quit? That may have been the reason for the un-invite.

Still, that's no reason, and I'm very sorry.
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Old 11-23-2013, 05:56 AM
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Italian catholic here too...not sure if the guilt tripping is unique to that ethnicity, but I do relate to what you posted. My sister and her husband pretty much shut me and my wife out for a while because we are teetotalers and they wanted to be in their cups on the holidays. Two DUI's later on my brother in law's part and suddenly we're more in demand, now that he's trying to stay sober.

All I can say is don't take it personally. People who are using are under the spell of the substance. I know I was. The booze takes top priority for the active drunk. Sad but true. You should be glad you don't have to put up with it.
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Old 11-23-2013, 06:00 AM
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Honestly - this would p*ss me off to no end. First she guilts you because you don't visit, but then she tells you you aren't welcome because you will put a damper on their boozing fun. Sounds just like my irish catholic mom and so many others I know of - they love jerking around the feelings of their daughters (sons seem to get a pass at this). (If you are a son...then I am wrong on that point - but not the irish catholic thing...

I told my mother once in a fit of anger that I need her in my life like I need a da*n two-by-four swung at my face. I told her that if she didn't start treating me better, I would be GONE GONE GONE because I don't have people in my life who I allow to treat me like sh*t, I don't care who the he*l she is. Then I told her she can call me for a blood transfusion or a kidney, but nothing else because I didn't want to talk to her anymore! She starting thinking before she said things and stopped taking me for granted - for a little while because she is a drinker and takes sleeping pills and seems to forget things.

Sorry for my rant here - this post clearly touched a nerve.
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Old 11-23-2013, 06:01 AM
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My love buckets (((hugs))))

I'm sad for you. Sad for her. She is in the deep throws of full blown addiction. Where anyone and anything that threatens that will be excommunicated from the church of all things drunk. It's obvious and palpable where her priorities lie.

And it's stomach turning.

I love what Dee said. Seriously. It's spot on.

But that doesn't take away the raw rejection of being cast aside because you are no longer ingesting ethanol. So allow yourself to really feel it. The hurt and pain and rejection. Then, when you have shed every last tear, pick yourself up and make the decision to have the best god damned SOBER holiday you have ever had.

You are wise for reaching out. Love you bunches and buckets and I am so so SO proud to call you my friend.

XO AO

PS - my polish catholic mother informed me that she doesn't think I'm going to make it through Thanksgiving sober. Thanks for that vote of confidence ma. Truth is, she wants to get slammered and doesn't have HER drinking partner anymore. Me. Oh, the Agita !!!
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Old 11-23-2013, 06:04 AM
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Originally Posted by anyistoomuch View Post
Sounds just like my irish catholic mom and so many others I know of - they love jerking around the feelings of their daughters (sons seem to get a pass at this).
Word.


Although it is hurtful, like others have written, I'd also feel a sense of relief. Now, you can enjoy the holidays sober and without that kind of drinking pressure and environment. Focus on creating a healthy sober holiday, and you'll enjoy yourself so much more!
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Old 11-23-2013, 06:05 AM
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Kind of sounds like the Spock approach. Logical. But if you are a Star Trek follower like me. You know the logical Vulcan approach doesn't always work out so well.
If it were me I might give it one more try. Logically showing up at 10 and leaving by 2. I'm sure you could find other things to do in the afternoon close to the beach. Then maybe do it again the next day and go home. That way everyone gets the best of both worlds.
Both of my parents are long gone. And once they are gone you think back and think (I wish I would have). If you give it another try and she still "uninvites"you. You won't feel so bad,because the blame is entirely on her wanting to "party" instead of being with you.
Just my opinion.....
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Old 11-23-2013, 06:07 AM
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Hi Guys and thanks so much for your responses, they are all very wise. I love this place for exactly this reason.

Yes, in the end it IS for the better that I am not going. And it is very true that when I was drinking, sober people made me very uncomfortable. As a matter of fact, I don't think I really knew any sober people at the end. Maybe by name, but certainly not by association.

I am sure my mother feels threatened by my sobriety and believes, even if I don't say a word, that I must be judging her and her partner. I just feel bad because she is my mother and my only surviving parent and older. I feel like the relationship should come before the alcohol but, then again, I probably would NOT have felt that way nine months ago about anyone else .

But. Both she and my brother are addicts and the thought of having to spend even 24 hours there is nerve-wracking. I am way too early in my sobriety to spend time around people who drink that much and not be affected. Especially family.

So, yeah, although this hurts, in the long run it probably is the very best possible outcome and I should be thankful.

Thanks again for helping me see this more clearly.
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Old 11-23-2013, 06:18 AM
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Originally Posted by anyistoomuch View Post
Honestly - this would p*ss me off to no end. First she guilts you because you don't visit, but then she tells you you aren't welcome because you will put a damper on their boozing fun. Sounds just like my irish catholic mom and so many others I know of - they love jerking around the feelings of their daughters (sons seem to get a pass at this). (If you are a son...then I am wrong on that point - but not the irish catholic thing...

I told my mother once in a fit of anger that I need her in my life like I need a da*n two-by-four swung at my face. I told her that if she didn't start treating me better, I would be GONE GONE GONE because I don't have people in my life who I allow to treat me like sh*t, I don't care who the he*l she is. Then I told her she can call me for a blood transfusion or a kidney, but nothing else because I didn't want to talk to her anymore! She starting thinking before she said things and stopped taking me for granted - for a little while because she is a drinker and takes sleeping pills and seems to forget things.

Sorry for my rant here - this post clearly touched a nerve.
Oh boy do I feel you on this one! And yes, my brother always gets a pass even though he has been an addict since basically the day he left diapers (I am only exaggerating slightly here) AND a thief.

I have lashed out on my mother that way a few times too and, admittedly, it felt damn good in the moment. Guilt is such a nasty, corrosive thing. I have done years of therapy and self-help books, meditation, etc., to try to get that trigger out of my soul. I am a lot, LOT, better than I used to be but, obviously, it is still there. One of those guilt-inducing comments from her and all of my Zen goes right into the toilet.

But she is also an alcoholic. And my mother. I have learned that we can't necessarily choose our parents but we can choose how we react to them. I am getting better but, on nights like the other one, I want to fly through the phone and strangle her a$$.

So, yeah, completely and totally hear you there, Any.
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Old 11-23-2013, 06:28 AM
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Originally Posted by Ptcapote View Post
But she is also an alcoholic. And my mother. I have learned that we can't necessarily choose our parents but we can choose how we react to them. I am getting better but, on nights like the other one, I want to fly through the phone and strangle her a$$.

So, yeah, completely and totally hear you there, Any.
Oi! These moms. One thing I realized, that helped me put some boundaries on the whole mom-being-a-drain-on-my-soul scenario is that I told her that she could not call me when she had been drinking, because I said she didn't seem like her self when she was. Basically, I told her that if she calls me after 3:30 (the time which she starts her drinking schedule), that I would not answer the phone. She left me a bunch of crazy messages, all of which I have saved.

Doing that had nothing to do with MY sobriety, it had to do with the fact that I couldn't talk to her when I knew she was buzzing - she wasn't reasonable and fell back on all sorts of bad manipulating habits as if I was still a teenager.

That seemed to help a little. My brother backed me up on it too, so that was a bonus.
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Old 11-23-2013, 06:38 AM
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I swore off my parents years ago, never mattered either way. I still visit my Mom about twice a year but I haven't seen my Dad in over 8 years and only talk to him on the phone maybe twice a year.

I would care less if my Mom called and told me this, live your life. Surround yourself with people that love you for who you are and want to be with you. Forget the rest, it is just dead wait holding up your life.
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