Devushka25

So, I've been on and off this forum for a number of years now, battling alcoholism and addiction. I go away confident in my sobriety until inevitably my abstinence breaks.
All along I've feared I'd lose my wonderful, living bf. it's been 3 years of him dealing with my ups and downs in substance abuse.

Well this time, I lost him.

I drank myself stupid and blacked out. I don't remember what happened but he tells me it involves a lot of vomiting, beating up the outside if his truck and calling him every name in the book. Among other rings I'm too ashamed to say.

He gave me an ultimatum. I followed it. I hadn't had a drop but the damage was already done. I guess he can't get that night out of his mind. He calls it my lowest low. Apparently the image if me like that haunts him and despite his best efforts has made it hard for him to still feel that spark I guess.

I handled this news badly. I broke my sobriety. I went directly to the bar and got loaded. I attacked him when I returned home and hurt myself requiring a visit to the psychiatrist in the ER. I called him out on Facebook with horrible shrunken accusations in front if everyone we know.

Now I might've lost him for good.

He graciously came home the morning after to talk to me sober and explain his decision. He wants to try to make this work but wants to live seperately for a white and get both of in counselling, together and seperate. I'm praying this can be fixed, I love him so much. But I keep hurting and disappointing him.

I need real help. I need to commit to a real program and I need to show I'm committed to my sobriety for life. It's all so overwhelming....

Dee74

I'm sorry all that happened Devushka.

I hope that was your bottom - and I hope things work out at home - but do it for you not for your bf.

That mad angry violent person is not you - it's time to bring the real Devushka back - for keeps

D

suki44883

I'm sorry, devushka. Alcohol can turn us into things that our loved ones no longer recognize. I understand that you don't want to lose your boyfriend, but getting sober should be something you do for yourself first and foremost. Otherwise, it's too untenable. The slightest negative emotion from him could send you right back to the bottle.

It sounds like he wants to try to work this out, but he's protecting himself. This is a healthy thing for him to do. He's giving you a chance to get help, but again, you must want that help for yourself, regardless of how this relationship goes.

Do you want to be sober more than anything? Even if it means losing your boyfriend? These are questions you should ask yourself. We're here to support you.

Weaver

I am so very sorry to hear of your troubles. Alcohol seems (at least for us) to bring nothing EXCEPT troubles.

First big step was coming back to SR. As you know you will find mucho support here.

Stick around and believe in yourself. You can beat this. You can be sober. You can live a happy and healthy alcohol free life. Believe it. The fine folks here at SR are living proof it can be done with determination, hard "work" and self empowerment.

I wish you well and hope to see you around the forums often