newman23

Hi everybody,

Many nights, I find myself curled up on the couch, watching TV, and surfing the web on my laptop. Don't get me wrong, its very relaxing and I greatly enjoy it, but I am finding myself to be very lonely.

Apparently, I drank away any social life I had and don't really have any friends I regularly communicate with anymore. I have attended AA, and want to get a sponsor, but I am very shy at those meetings and usually leave right after due to the nervousness and anxiety when I anticipate starting a conversation with someone new. I started attending a martial arts group, but again, shyness is a factor.

The loneliness is starting to feel like a trigger as well. Can anyone relate and maybe have some tips or advice, even on approaching people in meetings?

bigsombrero

Good question. Hope you're feeling okay tonight.

Do you live alone? I do also, and when I first got sober that was a real interesting challenge. I often think there should be a whole sub-group of discussion for those in recovery who live alone, because there different challenges (not harder, just different) than others. When someone talks about their husband or wife, I think "Gee, it must be nice to have someone AROUND at least", then again, I'd imagine that's not always the case...but I digress.

Thing about AA is that when you're new, people don't really know your story. They aren't sure who you are or what stage you're in, unless you speak or introduce yourself with a brief bio. If not, they'll just have to guess. Is this your first meeting? Your 500th? You been living in Fort Lauderdale for the past 20 years, or are you from around the block? I think it's a good idea to stick around after the meetings for a cup of coffee. Don't worry about sponsorship or think long term, just see if you can strike up an enjoyable conversation.

As for the rest of it, try your best to keep things realistic. Slow and steady wins the race. One thing I did was hang up an old fashioned wall calendar and start writing down what I did each day, social-wise. Just little things. Say "hello" to a neighbor walking their dog. Say "nice day isn't it?" to the lady at the cafe. Hold the door for someone at the train station and tip your cap. Early on in sobriety, when living alone, it's okay to start with small things. It sucks because sometimes you have so much to say...and feel there's no outlet. But small, easy conversation is a simple way to start building a foundation.

Think of this as a start of a new life. Imagine you've moved somewhere new and don't know anyone. What would you do? You'd do exactly those things I listed above. Keep reasonable expectations, and you'll make slow and steady progress. And try not to get too depressed about things! It gets better, but it does take patience.

newman23

Thanks, bigsombrero. I think you're onto something here. I tend to focus exclusively on the long-term and the bigger picture rather then the small steps towards that goal.....so much so I tend to forget they even exist. With AA, for example, thinking about having a sponsor and friendships I wish to have, rather than saying hi to someone and keep on returning building upon that. I will definitely keep that in mind and make steps like that a goal

DG0409

The title of your post caught my eye because I too have struggled a bit with loneliness and shyness in sobriety.

I'd already isolated myself almost completely by the time I sobered up. The few people I was still in contact with were relationships that revolved around drinking or smoking weed and I cut those people out of my life.

So, I found myself with no friends at all. When I was drinking I wouldn't have cared because I would have been happy drinking alone. But I was particularly worried about that during the first few months of recovery. I wanted new sober friends. I started taking yoga with thoughts toward making friends, but I would be so anxious that I wouldn't open my mouth the whole time I was there and would leave as soon as class was over.

Now, I'm going on 7 months sober. I still don't have any close friends, but I feel much less worried about that than I did early on. I've settled into more things that I like doing and feel more comfortable on my own. And the social anxiety has mostly faded. It's becoming easier to talk to people at yoga. I am slowly starting to get to know everybody and they are starting to get to know me.

When I get impatient, I remind myself that it took me years to make my pot-smoking, drinking friends. It's only reasonable to expect that it's going to take some time to find sober friends. Relationships aren't built in a day, they are built up over months or years.

At this point, I'm happy to focus on being who I want to be and getting my life in order so that I'll be the sort of person that somebody might actually want to be friends with. And maybe more importantly so that I'll be the sort of person that I want to be friends with.

So, my advice would be to just keep going to the meetings and the martial arts classes. Whether you talk or not, you're making progress in the right direction. With time, you'll feel more comfortable with the people and start to get to know them better.

Bostonsportsfan

I still have my close group of friends, but I am more lonely. When I was drinking I was more social and did more partying, so I saw a lot more people. I miss having more of a social life, but it's something I'm working on sober. I'd say the best way to make new friends is to just get out of the house and try different things.

I have social anxiety to a degree and alcohol made it go away, so I get the shyness also. Just stuff to work on in sobriety.

Good luck.

GracieLou

I too drank away all of my friends. In the beginning I was very lonely. I was not shy at meetings but it seemed like it took a while for others to open up. I was not exactly a happy bubbling fun person. I found the more I stayed after and got to know people the more they excepted me. We got to know each other.

I am now 7 1/2 months sober and I cannot imagine living without all the people I have met and the friends I have made.

I thought I like isolation. I liked being left alone to do what I wanted, drink. I never in a millions years thought that other people would bring me out of that. Now most of the time I can be alone but I am not lonely. There are times though I still get that way and when I do I just roll with it. I watch TV or surf the net. There is nothing wrong with that and it actually gives me some down time. I run all week with work and meetings so is nice to not have anything to do now and then.

Try getting to a meeting a little early or stay a little late. Even ten minutes is enough to start a conversation. When I gave a little, I found they gave a lot.

hypochondriac

I can definitely relate. I found I got the most out of meetings by doing the washing up. I used to sit there in meetings defensive as hell with my arms crossed. At least when I was doing the dishes I didn't have my arms up as barriers in a please don't talk to me mode. Friendships do take time to form but I am sure being in that meeting makes it a little less lonely even as it is... x

Db1105

I took the coffee commitment at my Homegroup. Had to get there early, and stay late. Got to meet a lot of people that way. Instead of waiting for people to introduce themselves to me, I had to just introduce myself to them. Just like the steps, it takes practice, practice, practice.

pinkdog

Hi newman, to me it's repetition. If i go to the same places many times, I become more comfortable. The familiarity becomes comfortable.

kentuckydan

You are me some 24 hours ago, take it one step at a time, Commit to staying just 5 minutes after a meeting then start upping it by increments of 5 minutes.

PRACTICE and I mean stand in front of a mirror and say it and play it in your mind saying YES if someone invites you out for coffee with a group after a meeting,

If you are like I was you will get tongue tied and mutter something about having to leave if you don't prepare for that,

I will be checking back here to hear how you are doing.