Tetra

Please don't judge me. I realise that there are many people out there who have way worse problems than I do...but here goes...

Many of you will know already about my family. I will not say anything about that for now.

I am luckier than most. I have a roof over my head, food etc. etc.

But...I am not happy. I am sorry.

I am a 33 year old, unemployed, recovering alcoholic, living with my parents.

I spent the weekend in the city, meeting friends and going for walks on the prom. It was really nice.

Now, I am back with my parents out the country and I just see no reason to get out of bed tomorrow morning. Why should I bother? What is the point? I have no life....and I am not likely to have one anytime soon. My dad gave me a lecture today about "making things easier for those around you". I know he is worried, since it is only six months since my slip.

I went to a new AA meeting today. It was nice, quieter than my usual one. I am still having trouble getting a sponsor. The lady told me today to walk up to someone and ask...I am sorry, but I am having trouble with this...

I read loads of articles about gratitude, and how you will never be happy until you are grateful for what you already have, and again I am sorry but this feels like a load of BS tonight.

I guess I am wallowing in self pity, I have my health. But things are just looking very very bleak right now.

Thank you.

karate

Always someone worse off than we are , a girl in my youngest boys school .

She has cancer ,chemo made her hair fall out , her outlook is unknown to me but id say not as bright as ours might be .

Sorensen

You are experiencing depression, I have it and it runs in my family also. Your brain chemistry is most likely out of whack and needs to be balanced. Talk to your doctor. The best thing to start of with is supplements, vitamins and exercise. Cognitive behaviour therapy works as well. Anti-depressants are a last resort but they have helped me regain my life when nothing else worked. Keep your chin up and try to keep busy. Find some chores around the house and maybe volunteer to cook meals. A sense of accomplishment actually increases dopamine and serotonin in our brains, just like alcohol did.

Have faith.

deeker

All this stuff you are feeling, you will work through doing your steps, but sounds like right now your disease is looking for an excuse to use. Did you take the suggestions some gave you about looking into co dependency and to get help with that.

Start living in the solution. I know it is hard but you have to start somewhere.

Hevyn

I'm very sorry to hear you are down, Tetra. I'm glad you came here to discuss your feelings. Yes, people deal with worse things - but that's not the point. Your sadness and sense of futility are very real to you - and can lead to physical illness or relapse. I hope you'll consider talking with a doctor, as Sorensen suggested. Meanwhile, I hope you know we care about you.

FeenixxRising

Tetra, can you get a menial job or part time work? Retail clerk or office gopher? Something you could do short term until you find the job you want? I ask, because that is what I would do. Working gives me a sense of purpose, it gives me a routine, it gives me a responsibility I need to meet. And just being productive boosts my self-esteem and sense of worth.

Sudz No More

You just need to find things to do that you can feel good about. Something that gives you exercise and releases some natural endorphins. Whether it be working out and being proud of the progress you make or jogging and going that extra block.

Take up cooking for the family, cleaning or rearranging the house. Just things you can feel good about later and be proud of yourself for doing. It doesn't have to be some major thing just something that gives you satisfaction and possibly rubs off on people around you.

I am sure of this much, laying around and sulking is not going to get you feeling any more positive about your situation. You need to create the positivity you desire, it unfortunately will not come to you if you just wait for it to.

Please get off the bed, get out of the room and find something that gives you a sense of accomplishment.

karate

Drinking always made me more depressed ,so that's not the correct answer .

When I was really drinking a lot ,I was very depressed .

That corrected its self after I quit , who would have thought it ?

sunrise1

I know many of us have felt like this. No need to apologize. Keep in mind it's normal but do what you can to continue your journey forward. Posting here is always good for me and probably for you also.

jaynie04

Tetra, I couldn't agree more with Feenix. Work has saved me countless times from sinking into a rut. Just having to be up and out and interacting with other people helped me stay in better balance when I was having a rough time. Even if it is at a local coffee shop, anything to be around other people, it is amazing what being part of any team can do to boost our spirits.

cardoon

Once I see I am wallowing in self pity I do something productive for 10-15 minutes. This act of small effort usually starts to break the pity cycle and I slowly regain my productivity and positive outlook. My mom always said," Just start."

bigsombrero

Sorry to hear it Tetra,

It's a tough business, depression - sometimes it feels endless, this cycle. Getting out of this rut is a lot like getting sober, in a way. It seems literally impossible at first, and you can start feeling hopeless.

Just like sobriety though, in my opinion, you've got to try and take small steps first. Think of something small that you might be able to do - even just a little thing, something you'd enjoy. I always found solace in hitting the streets with my camera, even if I came back with no good shots at least I spent 2 hours focusing on something besides my problems. And at the very least, I felt a little bit better. Do you have anything you might like to do - just to clear your head? Make something small, like tea with a friend or a shopping trip your next goal. Achieve it.

Give yourself a chance to win for a change.

MrGhost

You can't be grateful for what you have, if you have no reason to live, and what some one lives for is the one thing they care about the most, and it's never some material object. Material objects is not love, you can only love other people. And now a persons codependency will make them think next, "I have no one in my life right now, so I guess I'm screwed with love", you don't need any one psychically..and I am pretty sure that depending on some one else would just worsen your codependency too. All I have to tell you is, heart is where the home is at, and that is where all the magic happens. And just let that be for now, it will have it's way of showing up as long as you just take notice in everything I said and not forget it, things will work out to be just fine for you no matter what. And that's a fact not just some thing I am telling you to try and make you feel better, and if I am wrong you can always hunt me down and punch me square in the face. But if I am right then you will had lost nothing and gained your way to happiness.

TomSawyer

I'm a 25 year old recovering alcoholic living with my parents as well, so I can relate. It can be depressing having to move back in with your parents. I know that in order to move forward with my life, though, I have to take small steps towards recovery. I feel like I want to solve all of my problems at once, too, but we have to take things one day at a time. Eventually sober time will build up and our lives will be moving in the right direction!

Flavia2

Very good suggestions here but I wanted to add one more. If you are having trouble finding a job, maybe you could be a volunteer at a hospital or old age home until you find a paying job. You seem like a very kind person. Also, maybe you could move in with you Gran. You seemed to be happy there and she might enjoy the company.

heath480

Thinking of hot Tetra,how are you today?

22NGONE

This too shall pass... Find a way to stop focusing on yourself and you will feel better!

doggonecarl

You are a recovering alcoholic, educated, with all the potential in the world...being held back by your own doubts.

You can do whatever you want.

Tetra

Thank you all for your help and advice.

I woke up late today because I was up late reading last night. There was a thread here a while ago about what do you spend your money on now that you have quit drinking? Well I spend mine on books.

I had a headache for a large part of the day. I found things easier in the summer, I could go for a long walk once or twice a day. But we have had monsoon-like rain for the past week and it doesn't make things any easier.

Yeah I have been applying for every job that would be suitable. I rarely get a response.

I spent some time today reading about codependency. Yeah, that does sound like me...

When I spend time with my mom, I have this constant need to defend myself. I am having a hard time letting go. What she says is opinion only. I am also well aware that this is not my house, and I know this will sound silly, but I feel like I need to ask permission for things, like if I want to stay with a friend, I feel like I need permission...I know my parents worry a lot about me and I feel really guilty...

I am going to sign off for a while. I want to sort through my books and get boxes of the ones I have finished with ready for the charity shop.

I will be back later.

Thanks everyone.
Love Tetra x

heath480

You sound more positive today Tetra.Good news.