Originally Posted by MrTumble

Hi GracieLou, i'd love to help you with this, in order to do so, can you explain what "details" about me, my relationships and my private family life, I need to divulge to you and this forum?

Originally Posted by digdug

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3. I don't know how much time you've spent in rehab facilities or meetings, but I have seen it over and over again that people in early recovery who jump into relationships end up having serious problems with their recovery, including relapse. Especially if they jump into a relationship with another person who is also in early recovery, as was the case of the original poster. I have seen people die because they took their focus off themselves and put their focus on the relationship. I have seen non-alcoholics get severely hurt by people in early recovery because the recovering alcoholic was just not ready yet. And I've just been in the rooms for 8 months. Listening to people with many years of sobriety just echoes my own observations. There is ample evidence out there, which is why almost every rehab facility makes this recommendation. These suggestions don't come out of thin air.

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Originally Posted by GracieLou

I am glad you want to help.

You came into a thread and started posting in an argumentative fashion about relationships in early sobriety. You brought up the birth of a child that you said would not have been possible if you had not started a relationship in early sobriety. I only am pointing out the discrepancies in your story due to information you have already supplied about your private life.

I was merely asking for clarification. You seem so interested in facts, I thought perhaps you could supply some.

I am not trying to start a fight with you. Honestly I am not. I am looking for an example. You seem to have this knowledge and I am interested in reading about it.

Originally Posted by MrTumble

With all due respect to everyone... No, i'm not arguing for the sake of it. I actually think the suggestion to avoid relationships is outrageous on so many levels.

Here, i'll list some of them:

1/ Drunken people can get into relationships, sober people can, why cant recovering people? Why dont we tell drunks not to get into a relationship?

2/ Why should someone in recovery suffer doubts and worry about proceeding with a relationship because someone has told them they shouldn't do it?

3/ There is zero evidence to suggest that relationships fail more often for people in recovery as compared to people who are drunks or teetotalers.

4/ There is zero evidence to suggest that people in recovery find themselves in more abusive relationships because they are "vulnerable" because they are sober.

5/ There is no evidence to suggest that relationships are a significant cause of relapse for people in recovery.

6/ Many people who are in recovery are already in a relationship or perhaps married - should they therefore get a divorce before attempting to recover (if indeed relationships are so dangerous for recovering drunks?)

7/ Who says I dont know my feelings well enough to get into a relationship? I have been sober for nearly 3 months, if I could make such decisions to be in a relationship when I was a drunk, I sure as heck can now after being sober for 3 months !!!

The list could go on.

Fundamentally I think its wrong to make such suggestions to people as if there is some general consensus or evidence to suggest that staying out of a relationship really does add value for a person in recovery.

Anyway, its my opinion and luckily human nature runs with my side of the argument...

Originally Posted by MrTumble

Do you feel that its only the alkies in rehab who jump into a new relationships that will have problems in recovery? Or is it the norm that everyone has problems, or something else? Please be specific.

Is it the case that only people in new relationships have died while in recovery, or is it indeed a mixture of people who die - some of them in a terribly and horrible lonely state and may of not had a relationship in many many years?

Originally Posted by digdug

Hi Mr. Tumble,

I really don't want to keep going back and forth about this, especially because we unintentionally hijacked the original thread. My point is simply that the suggestion is made to newcomers to give them the best chance at a successful sobriety. You keep addressing things as absolutes. Sobriety doesn't work that way. Everyone is different. There are people like you who are able to handle a new relationship so early on, and more power to you. But overall, most newcomers just cannot handle a new relationship and recovery at the same time. It doesn't matter if they came from rehab or straight to AA. People will die regardless. It's all about giving newcomers suggestions that will best enable them to maintain sobriety. This is suggestion one of many. I simply brought up rehab because the suggestion is made there based on years of observation. It is made by sponsors who have years of experience. Those with clinical experience and/or a good amount of sobriety just want to see people succeed. It's part of the program to help other alcoholics achieve sobriety. That's it.

Again, I'm glad everything has worked out for you so far. But this isn't about you or me personally. It's about all of the newcomers who walk into the rooms or rehab broken, lost and barely able to function on their own. And bottom line, it's up to these newcomers to accept or reject these suggestions.

So with that, I'm going to bow out. I'm glad the original poster is doing ok. That's what matters most here.