Lifewillgetbet

So I just got back from a 90 day Treatment facility for my Alcoholism. In the past 3 years I have gotten drunk less then 20 times so I am committed to being sober, just hit a couple bumps. I'm not ever going to give up on sobriety and am an active member in AA.

The issue is I spent the past 2 years single. It sucked. I was told to stay single for the first year of sobriety. I did that, 2 times!!! It gets lonely being single. I’m 30, have a great job, family, financial security and education. I dislike not having someone to share my life with.

Well during the 90 days I spent at the treatment resort I met a great girl (Yes it is co-ed). We kind of got attached and we both want to continue our relationship when she gets out next week.

My question is, should I end this relationship in “fear of the unknown”, or continue and see what happens? I’m not attached enough to relapse, but I also don’t know what it feels like to get seriously emotionally involved with someone sober.

Any suggestions?

Doug39

First off, if you only got drunk 20 times in 3 years, why were you in a 90 day rehab?

Lifewillgetbet

Because my life was unmanageable. Believe me, I spent 10 years as a raging alcoholic. The rehab I go to has a guarantee, so I get to go back for free. I take that opportunity when I slip up. Even if its only for 1 day, I still go back.

GracieLou

I guess I don't understand. Have you been sober a year this time? Or were you sober a year before and had a slip and while you were at the 90 day program again you met this girl?

Is she is just getting out of the rehab? So she only has 90 days?

It sounds to me that both of you need to work on yourselves and recovery instead of each other.

Even if you have a year, if she does not then I would not suggest a relationship with her. That year goes for you and the other person, IMO.

Leadfoot

I don't give relationship advise. I find that people are going to do whatever they want to do anyways. Besides. Anyone telling anyone what they should and shouldn't do goes against the AA grain. As in "what the hell do I know anyways"? What I will say is that nowhere in any part of the AA program or literature does it suggest that we give up any aspect of our lives for any reason. That stuff about making no major decisions for a year or no relationships for a year is treatment center babble. Treatment centers that send their clients to AA to repeat what they hear in treatment.

TomSawyer

I agree that people are going to do what they want. I entered into a relationship with only about 2 months sobriety and I will say it was a big part of my relapse. I don't know what I was thinking - I wasn't even prepared to tell a girl that I was a recovering alcoholic. It might help that you guys both know where eachother stands, but I would be cautious about it. Whatever you do, don't let a relationship get in the way of attending meetings and working your program.

Dee74

I'm glad I waited until I got myself together.

Inviting someone else into my unmanageable life (not to mention unmanageable me) would have been a sure recipe for disaster for us both.

I'd think about it very carefully
do you feel you're ready for a relationship right now?
is your life sorted out?
will it impact badly on your recovery - or hers - if something goes wrong?

those are the questions you need to ask I think

D

EndGameNYC

AA's Thirteenth Step: "My life has become unmanageable, and I want to share it with someone."

JLC82

I understand loneliness. I've been going through a divorce for the past two years (not alcohol related) He has moved on, even has a live-in girlfriend which is fine. Once he was out the house is when my drinking began and down the hellish descent I went. I've dated a few times but it never went well due to my alcoholism. Also, from personal experience, leave people from rehab at rehab. I made the mistake of trying to maintain friendships and it all went WRONG. I wish you luck, but trust me. Once you are healed and a total individual, the right person will come.

Carlotta

To quote Tomsteve:
"Two sickies do not make one wellie".

whiskeyman

I am dealing with something like this right now.

If you are not well into recovery and begin a relationship, you WILL fail at both.
Trust me been there.
Youre recovery will not be first priority.

Please dont

Lifewillgetbet

Thanks for all the posts. I really needed some advice because I have never been in this situation before.
I really Like the quotes
"AA's Thirteenth Step: "My life has become unmanageable, and I want to share it with someone." ahhaha
+ "Two sickies do not make one wellie". Lol
I think Im in pretty good shape to start a relationship, but I'm definitely going to give myself some more sober time. 5-6 months or so.
Thnx Again

Lifewillgetbet

So an update. We ended our relationship, Wow I should have stuck with the provided advice but the feelings were so strong. Probably PAWS related. It was incredibly hard to do emotionally but the fact is we were putting our relationship before our recovery and that was completely Wrong.
We ended on Okay terms. Not the greatest. But I still feel strong in my recovery and know I wont relapse. I would be lying to say it has not popped into my mind though. Scary.
Thanks for all the advice and if someone looks this up and is contemplating it, my advice would be to run fast.

digdug

I think you made the right choice.

Those of us who have been in treatment know that rehab relationships only bring upon bad consequences.

I totally get the feeling of loneliness. I'm 31 and have been in relationships for basically the past 10 years. I have 8 months sober and this is by far the longest I've ever been single. So when I feel lonely, I reach out to my sober friends. It really does help, even if it's just a phone call. It's hard to feel lonely when I'm hanging out with sober people on a regular basis, even if it's just as friends.

tomsteve

2 sickies don't make a wellie.
i had to be comfortable with myself before looking into a relationship.today i am single( never been married) and im ok with it.
it took my sick arse getting into a relationship in the 1st year to see just who i attracted: someone as sick as me.

thisisme

How can you tell two alcoholics are on a second date?
There is a moving van in the driveway.

I cannot offer any advice except that I hold my sobriety above relationships and so far so great.

MrTumble

Fantastic news, sounds great ! Go and enjoy

MrTumble

Oh thats a shame, I hope you guys didnt do that only because you are alkies? Life is very short, I spent several years with a fellow alkie who sobered up, we have a beautiful son together. She is still sober...

I dont think you need to end a relationship for the sake of your alcoholism is that relationship is a healthy emotional experience for you both. It can be very supportive together.

Ive done it, I know.

Lifewillgetbet

Thanks. You will see in further posts that I later gave an update and it didn't work out!!!

There is no written rule, but I believe it should be one.
I was properly warned and I didn't listen.

My stubborn addict ways got the best of me. Great learning experience though. I will wait another 8 months (1y marker) to try and hop into that scene again.

Lifewillgetbet

Thanks. I have heard of a few success stories and it was enough to give it a shot. She was a Crack Addict and Im the Alcoholic. We are all the same.

There was also some other factors like the long distance thing and age difference. I'm 31 - MBA, Great job. She 24 - fresh start.

Basically she came to the conclusion it was too much for her. It hurts, but I am okay with that. I'm going to Keep on Moving Forward. Thanks.
I dont think I will try this again. I'm going to aim for the year marker - so 8 more months.